I keep feeling that the older I get the more I think about love but love has never been a factor in my life so I see no need to have my concerns, yet I still feel the need to experience it. What stands out the most about love is the fact that I believe I'll never feel it no matter if I change my looks my personality or my ways of life, love seems to escape from my finger tips as if it was never there. I've tried so hard to conquer love in so many ways but no one ever told me it would be this hard. Then that's when it hit me. It was never loves fault nor was it anybody's else's fault...but mines. How do I expect someone to love me when I don't even know who I am? what I am? or what I consist of? How do I expect someone to love me....when I don't even love myself?...

I cried for you when I had no one else to cry to.
I cried to you when I felt like the world was giving up on me.
I cried to you when the deepest part of my heart started to dissolve.
And some how you always seem to be there.
Like you were some kind of hero who could make my world so much better and you did.
So when you cry for me when you have no one else to cry to,
When you feel the world is giving up on you,
When the deepest part of your hearts starts to dissolve...Just Know I'll be there to make your world happy and I'll be your hero.

Yes I fall in love too easy.
Yes I believe the person I barely met two days ago will be the one I've waited for my whole life.
Yes my mind is childish and I should give up my feelings, but I can't, its not that easy.

What do you expect from me? I never had a mothers touch I've never had a fathers discipline yet you expect me to know the way of love. Yet I simply cannot when the way of love never knew me.

I never asked for this life and I certainly never asked to be this way but what can I do? I'm sorry I never met anyone's standards even though they never met mines, I'm sorry I hate touching people because I never got a hug when I was younger, I'm sorry I can't keep promises that were never kept to me.

But you can't judge me because I never knew what I was getting myself into
You can't exclude me because I love someone based on their mind and not the
Their body. I am a different person, I grew up different I never had what a normal family had, But that doesn't make me any less than you are. We all have flaws but some decide to choose whether they want to fix theirs and others decide if they want to embrace theirs. Why can I?

I stood there and watched you leave,
I told myself "why cry now when i was the one who caused it?"
I couldn't help but feel like everything I ever told you was just a lie even if at the time I meant everything I said.

Holding in tears is probably the hardest one person can do even if everyone tells you not to but to me I felt like I had to because i always told you "Why cry over one person when 5 billion others could make you happy?"

I feel my throat get dry and my face get red and overwhelmed just of the thought of how you used to bring sunshine to my cloudy days and how you were the only person I could tell my secrets too.

I told you I would never leave you,
I told you even if we stopped talking I would make the effort to talk to you,
I told you that no matter what pain you felt I would be there with a bandaid and my love to heal your wounds. Times got tough and soon unbearable to the point I thought I would rather die than see your face but the only problem was you were never real...

I woke up and the first thing I thought about was you. I keep denying that I still care for you because I feel no reason too, but you are still my mother or so I think.
All the brutal phone calls with me always having to press 1 and hearing a lady say our calls would be monitored. Its feels like I should stop answering those calls because I hear the same excuses over and over, like "I want to get better", " I want to change for you and your brother", its been 8 years and the only change I've seen in you is your skin tone because of the drugs. And it's like everytime I want to say I'm done with you and your excuses, you get weak and you do stupid stuff so I feel like I need to be strong for both of us.

I remember in 6th grade I was writing a letter to you while you were in jail, and in this letter I told you that some girls were bullying me just because I had a different point of view about love and then I thought to myself about how stupid I sounded because I knew you couldn't do anything about it,you couldn't tell the girls to shut and tell me I was gonna be okay. I just wished I had a mother to protect me but instead I had a mother who protected her boyfriend.

I heard you called last night crying and weeping because you caught him talking to some other girl and how you almost Oded on whatever you were taking, its funny because a week before you were talking about how you wanted to go to a shelter and get a job but I guess that means nothing now like it did before. When they told me what had happen I didn't feel anything...I was just so numb, but deep down I knew I wanted to cry but for what?!

Now Im just sitting here while tears roll down my face because I don't know what's gonna happen next.

I miss the two things I once had
One my mom and two my dad
My dad and I were sometimes close
And my mom used to be fun to talk to
But then one day it all came to an end
when the devil came into their lives
there was nothing I can do but cry.
my dad started messing around with other women,
And my mom was on and off the streets.
I know I was just a little one,
but my feelings were strong and mature.
They stopped paying attention to me
that is when I felt that nobody loved me
I started to pray every single night
and would beg Jesus for just one little sign
to help my mom and my dad
because Jesus was the last person I had
I am still young and I know I have to be strong
because my life isn't over and time isn't gone.