A heart so plagued and finally pacified
Some time has passed and I still can't look you in the eye
I search for hints of you in everyone I meet
but the conclusion that I'm left with is you can't be beat

Something about you can't seem to be topped
rationality screams desperately for me to stop
but for once the good seems to outweigh the bad
It's not typical for a girl like me to not be sad

and I find myself drowning in the undertow
I soothe my shakes and tremors thanks to Marlboro
I've been burned so much before that I come to expect it
my self-worth is crumpled where I left it

A hurt so hollow, rejection swallowed to my gut
Fading footprints I find and follow left right back and front
You may leave, but you always make your way back
In ways you don't even know that you have

Sleep disturbed, the darkest nightmares haunting me
I wake up gasping but you're still right here next to me
perhaps all of it is just irrational
but my track record is nothing short of laughable

So I refuse to let down my guard, stubbornly
read between the lines, and coax my heart, lovingly
I may not say it near as much as I should
but if I could open up all the way I would

A conversation had about intention
Will you be something lasting or a lesson?
I can't seem to find it in me to ask that question
for what its worth, I consider it a blessing

There's some protection in my reflection
A relief that I never mention
A disturbing sense of reality
Free from my ****** up mentality
Shows me I still exist on the outside
Without a rabbit hole to duck in and hide inside
Now I finally know I'm real
Is this the way I'm supposed to feel?

Admiration turns to validation
Then degradation and humiliation
Always start off so happy that you love me
Time goes by and everything gets ugly
I guess that's what hurts the most
You can never ever ever let them get close
Keep em arms length they'll adore you from a distance
Let them in and they'll hurt you in an instant
Check my face in the pocket mirror
Does my hair look okay is my make up smeared?
I gotta make a good first impression
I try to be my own version of perfection
I'm tripping over my 2 left feet
To be each different person they all want me to be
If someone doesn't like you it really sticks
If you're unremarkable, do you even exist?

Admiration turns to validation
Then degradation and humiliation
Always start off so happy that you love me
Time goes by and everything gets ugly
I guess that's what hurts the most
You can never ever ever let them get close
Keep em arms length they'll adore you from a distance
Let them in and they'll hurt you in an instant
Before you know it you're faced with your mistake
How many more times is it gonna take?
Some bruises just never heal
But a smile can always hide what you really feel
There's nothing left inside of me to break
But if you really try you get used to the ache
There's only 3 things on earth you cannot measure
Pleasure, pain, and forever.

Admiration turns to validation
Then degradation and humiliation
Always start off so happy that you love me
Time goes by and everything gets ugly
I guess that's what hurts the most
You can never ever ever let them get close
Keep em arms length they'll adore you from a distance
Let them in and they'll hurt you in an instant.

Nobody's felt a heartache like mine
Tinged with bruises and dollar store wine
Tell me, who are you to stand judgement of me?
When I'm just trying to feel...
anything
Every single time I've felt a spark
I'm left with a wet match by myself in the dark
Could it be us, could it be you and I?
Or will I be left the highest of dry
I am the lovesick girl
No amount of rubies or diamonds or pearls
Can mend such an aching so deeply inside
To which no one can run and hide
You'll never know just how far I'd go
To make you the happiest you've ever known
And yet somehow it's just never enough
And yet somehow it's just never been this tough
And I'm begging you please
To show me some sensitivity
(Just one time before you leave)
I am a woman
And you are a man
They don't write instructions
There's no label on a can
Nothing tangible, nothing you can read
Its inside you and inside of me
So I'll keep on crying at night
And dreaming that someday I'll catch your eye
Until then you know where I am
An innocent one night stand
So there you go
I've beared every inch of my soul
Is it you'd just rather at this point be alone?
Just know you dont have to be
That I'll always be waiting
And I'll never ask you to change, meet requirements or rearrange
Because in order to set my heart aflame
You must stay the same the same the same

I can just picture it
Your super close to finishin
Nutting into ***** socks
Tugging at your wimpy ****
I know that you think of me
To an unhealthy degree
Writing all those angry songs
A loser limpdick sing-a-long
I can't seem to blame you much
I have that effect on all I touch
You didnt deserve it though
So now you get to watch me go
While I upgrade to bigger **** and you get to imagine it
I'm smiling up at someone else
While you sit at home and touch yourself
So obsessed with my life
You're a cuck without the wife
I guess you couldnt handle me
We're from a different pedigree
No longer on that failure ****
Or living in a trailer ****
Crybaby **** don't work no more
So stomp your feet across the floor
All the way to mommies room
But she don't love you either dude!
Man you cant seem to catch a break
My ******* were all a fake
But if you need a diagram
You know where the **** I am
I'm out here focused on myself
While you threaten to **** yourself
I bleed success and excellence
I am too good for this all this mess
Remember who the **** I am
When I destroy you on the stand
You say you used to be abused?
What a ***** boy *** excuse
I am not your baby girl
I'm rocking someone else's world
So take some notes and highlight bits
It says right here that you ain't ****

Regrets bounce around back and forth inside my mind
like a game of pong
a purgatory
making me cockeyed
I try to explain that I have nowhere left to hide
Every emotion
sensation
obsession
amplified
Maybe when I was young I needed something you couldn't provide
Maybe my little apple slices were covered in pesticide
Speculation of course
it can't be simplified
A combination of factors that together fortified
An illness
A flaw inside of me
so vicious
My intentions in the right place but my actions turned malicious
We tried to fight back with multiple prescriptions
I popped 6 or 7 without reading the description
You'll have to excuse me and my self fulfilling prophecy
I catch myself getting bad again constantly
It's not done consciously
And then yall get gossipy
about my lack of modesty
All that **** you're spewing you should invest in a colostomy
I don't know who I am without the drama
Without the trauma
Without the late night calls crying for my mama
I try to listen but its like I'm rotten to the core
I tried to stop it all that day but they broke down the bathroom door
Asphyxiation
And another state petition
Humiliation
At my failed suicide mission
I figured I'd grin and bear it
Act recovery driven
My insurance will boot me either way in 5-7
Why are you so angry?
What is at the source?
Can you pinpoint it?
Do you think it's run its course?
Don't you ever get tired?
Of being so dramatic
Everyone has problems
Some cobwebs in their attic
Yeah I do get tired
I'm exhausted actually
Of constantly being at different extremes mentally
Polar opposites
I wish I could be competent
I would trade my mania to truly be self confident
Nature versus nurture
A classic debate
Which one is more at fault for causing those to deviate?
A long line of addiction
Or abusive tendencies
Is it genetics?
Or painful first memories?
You wonder why I go for guys that hurt me in the end
When I get down about myself it's your voice inside my head
I've done some things in my life that keep me up at night
I've been so afraid of failing that for years I never tried
From an early age I just wanted to be loved
To be held, to be kissed, to be cradled, to be hugged
Instead I got tossed around and used like a rag-doll
When someone treats me good
I'm at a loss of how to handle
Sweeter than honey and it keeps my ego fed
But I repeat bad habits and cycles instead
I've been here before and man isn't it funny
How desperate I am for you to ******* love me
It serves to ask questions and poke at insecurities
I put my all into serving others and its so ******* embarrassing
I'd do anything and perhaps it is my downfall
But I didn't anticipate such a quick and subtle curveball
It's pathetic call the medic
Sedate me
anesthetic
Put the drugs on credit
I just want to forget it
All the way
but I guess I'm here to stay
Cant even **** myself right
Jesus christ, what a cliche
It's a new day
gotta fight through the pain
It's okay
its okay
it's okay
it's okay
I got these regrets
like I said
and I'm sailing off course
I'm nothing but the walking dead
but I try to consider the source
I repeat things and stumble
all on autopilot
I'm hardwired to **** up
and I'm done trying to hide it
a moment of silence
for all that couldn't have been
a lust for violence
and an appetite for bloodshed
beg for an abrasion
and physical injury
contusions
gashes
lacerations
dulls what's happening in me
all these different methods
to avoid my introspection
******* myself up
relieves the constant tension
acting up and acting out
gets me the attention
and impulsive actions keep all around me guessin'
Now, tell me, is that what you expected?

You and I we lived a lie
And spread it to the masses
I made sure to tidy up and wore rose tinted glasses
I saw the flags and all the bad but couldn't understand
I cried myself to sleep and stuck my head under the sand
But somehow baby I just never could be what you needed
Accusing me of everything, yet you're the one who cheated
Such a sad realization when you wake up to a stranger
That you somehow knew for years and yet your connection's weaker

So goodbye goodbye goodbye I walk out with a bang (Just like I walked in)
Goodbye, goodbye goodbye we'll never meet again (you should have listened)
I know I told you baby that this was til the end (for better or worse)
But eternity don't work for me, if youre hurting me, my friend (you were my curse)

You told me I was heartless when I left without a tear
I guess you didn't count all the times I cried those years
You wounded me in different ways in which I still can't heal
Still I was devoted, my hearts not an easy one to steal
I gave you enough chances, time and time again
If you really cared about me, than you should have listened
So call me this and call me that
I really dont give a ****
I know that for some other man someday I'll be more than enough

So goodbye goodbye goodbye I walk out with a bang (Just like I walked in)
Goodbye, goodbye goodbye we'll never meet again (you should have listened)
I know I told you baby that this was til the end (for better or worse)
But eternity don't work for me, if youre hurting me, my friend (you were my curse)

How can I learn to trust again after such a failure?
You were just another waste of time, you weren't my savior
Sometimes I still think of things you said I get lost inside your lies
But I've grown so much since I stood my ground, you'll never realize
I won't allow myself to act stupid over another guy
I deserve the world and will except no less than the moon, the stars, and sky

So goodbye goodbye goodbye I walk out with a bang (Just like I walked in)
Goodbye, goodbye goodbye we'll never meet again (you should have listened)
I know I told you baby that this was til the end (for better or worse)
But eternity don't work for me, if youre hurting me, my friend (you were my curse)

Fast forward to the future and look how much I've grown
Can't believe how good I'm doing out here all on my own
I became my own support system, my own best friend
I don't need nobody else baby I got this til the end
But then a pair of eyes caught mine in a way I can't explain
They look not a thing like yours and I'm over the moon again
But this time will be different, this time Ill be stronger
I refuse to be abused or suffer any longer

So goodbye goodbye goodbye I walk out with a bang (Just like I walked in)
Goodbye, goodbye goodbye we'll never meet again (you should have listened)
I know I told you baby that this was til the end (for better or worse)
But eternity don't work for me, if youre hurting me, my friend (you were my curse)

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
I'm done with all your heartache
And I promise you by the time you notice what you threw away
I'll be someone else's cherished "mistake"

The crash of us together
A wave caressing dancing sands
We kissed with tongue for hours while our mouths were full of glass
You cradled me so softly
and kept my heart inside a jar
I took your brain, made you insane, our adhesive made of tar
Can I **** myself with you? 
I want to stick to you like glue
Our fingers intertwined as they turn stiff and blue
The world is scared of dying,
Always looking for a sign,
But if I died with you beside me 
I know that I'd be fine
We inflict upon each other
pain, despair and passion
undying devotion
has always been in fashion
You hurt me so bad
But always hold me after
We sob together yet always end in laughter
Can I **** myself with you? 
I want to stick to you like glue
Our fingers intertwined as they turn stiff and blue
The world is scared of dying,
Always looking for a sign,
But if I died with you beside me 
I know that I'd be fine
A space is in between us now
A shield so to speak 
But I miss the way it used to be and every night I weep 
I wonder if you miss me too even though I'm still right there
Its as if now that we're better we have nothing left to share
Can I **** myself with you? 
I want to stick to you like glue
Our fingers intertwined as they turn stiff and blue
The world is scared of dying
Always looking for a sign
But if I died with you beside me I know that I'd be fine