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I am told to take this one day at a time.

I cannot tell you how many times I have head that saying.

One day at a time,
One day at a time,
One day at a time.

It repeats over and over again in my mind.

One day at a time.
One day at a time

Yet, in my reality, it is
every seven minutes
then every ten minutes.

Every seven minutes, for m, feels like three hours,
during those seven minutes, i crave,
I crave to be drunk
I crave to be so high, I cannot tell left from right
I crave to smile like a child, 
I crave to laugh like there is no tomorrow
I crave to feel confident
I crave to make these shakes disappear for awhile.

Then every ten minute I feel normal.
I don't feel so outlandish for not drinking a beer.
I don't miss the taste of a cigarette,
after swallowing a shot or two.
I don't yearn for a drunken lullaby,
As time passes by.

Every seven then ten minutes
I'm switching opposite sides
Back and forth
inside my deranged mind
handling it the best I can

One day at a time
Staying sober is really strange for those of us how have a problem.
I miss you.

The you who was already looking at me,
when I glanced at you.
The you whose eyes light up,
when you'd see me after a long day at work.
The you who never got annoyed if I said I love you,
no matter how many times I had said it in the past hour.
The you who'd rarely go out if I wasn't able to go too.
The you who always had me on your mind,
even when I'm not by your side.

I miss you.

The you that always pulled me closer,
even if there was only an inch between us.
The you who would send me cute messages,
telling me how much you love me.
The you who loved to surprise or scare me.
The you that would make me laugh until I can barely breathe.
The you who made it impossible for me to ever feel like I was alone.

I miss the old you.

The you who didn't make me feel undesirable.
The you who couldn't look at me and not know I am upset.
The you who didn't only respond with whatever,
when I'm just trying to be honest and open with my feelings.
The you who wouldn't roll over and look the other direction,
when my voice becomes shaky.
The you who wouldn't, couldn't, go to sleep,
knowing these teardrops are falling from my eyes.

I miss you.

The you who would tell me, relentlessly, that you love me,
until you have convinced me that you really still meant it.
What I miss most of all are the small things we did together that keeps are relationship going effortlessly. The competitive card and board games while listening to music.  Not fully paying attention to the shows or movies we'd watch because we'd talk over them. Then those night where we are completely content holding each other in silence. I miss the play fights, pin you agains, and i love you mores. And the lava lamps and candlelit nights too. The nights we would take baths together just to mix things up and the nights we'd  make deals saying I'll watch this if you watch that.  I miss feeling as though i can speak my mind without worrying you will judge me or make me feel bad for feeling a certain way. I really just miss so many things that this relationship use to contain without us really having to try at all. Lately I feel like I'm trying so hard and I'm getting nowhere with you. Then I fall apart all over again.
I suppose what bothers me the most
is thats you didn't both invite me out with you tonight,
after you left the bar that is.
Even though you had the power to right in your hands.
Instead you left me alone all night,
knowing my heart was/is in despair.
I've had a very long and tough week as you know,
it would've been nice to have a fun night out with you,
but I suppose that deemed too much for you even think of and propose.
We both could've had a nice night, and there wouldn't of been any need to fight.

In the very end though, there was only one thing I asked in return,
was that you'd brush your teeth when you got home.
So I wouldn't get the urge to drink when I tasted beer on your lips.
If I had wanted to drink tonight, I would've.
Don't think the thought didn't cross my mind a thousand times.
Consider that and acknowledge I'm trying here,
but won't or really can't make it own my own.
You are truly the only person I have left,
that really cares where I end up.

Yet, I'm the pathetic and stupid one.
Maybe your right about that.
Maybe, just maybe, I shouldn't care so much,
Or in better words,
I should've left more than half of my remaining heart buried.
I love you either way, but these words are the things I fell unable to say, while you continue on with your night singing.
I will love you till the birds give up flying
Till eyes give up the habit of crying
I will love you till the cats make a truce with mice
Till probabilistic algorithm needs not a dice
I will love you till the Nile pours water into Victoria
I will love you more than war is cherished by any warrior
I will love you till Butterflies become caterpillars
And even if It's samson pushing the pillars
The pillars of my passion will never crumble
I will never change course even if I stumble
I will love you till the Doves stop to sing
Till entangled bees cease to sting
I will love you till the Sun grows cold
And the moon burns hot and grows old
I will love you till it snows in Hell
I will love you till Ants stop living in hills
Because I need you just as Snail needs her Shell
I will love you even when human heart no longer feels
I will love you till all African states unite
I will love you till old age steals my sight
I will love you till roads cease to have potholes
I will love you even after my destiny calls
I will love you till poems no longer rhyme
I will love you till the end of time
To a once close friend and a loved sister,

        I feel like I should miss you more than I do at this point in my life. I suppose after the year of drinking I have put us through, the 'us' I knew so well caught on fire and is now a pile of ash. I've managed to collect as much of it as I could before it was swept away, and I keep that in a safe place buried deep in the center of my heart.

        In those ashes are some of our fondest memories we spent together, almost always laughing and having a grand o' time, but now that all feels so distant, like it was many years ago. Sometimes it even feels as though I am remembering a great dream I had, or someone else told me a vivid memory that they shared with someone they called their best-friend, and I wanted a bond like that so much my mind convinced me it was really something I once had.

        It kills me inside to even think about how much I pushed you away but i'm doing what I can now to earn the right to even call you a friend. I know most of the time after this disease consumed my thoughts daily, and I moved out, it seemed as though I stopped caring about you and the friendship we spent our entire life building didn't matter anymore, but thats not the case. I can promise you that much. I understand if you chose not to believe me, because I am a liar, a thief, a cheat, an *******, but most of all an alcoholic. I'm in AA now to learn to change my ways of thinking and to learn what truly caused me to make the decisions I did. I know I need mental help, that much is obvious, and I did choose on my own to get sober and find the help I needed all along.

        My drinking after Chris left me increased drastically, to the point that I couldn't even get out of bed without being in morbid pain and shaking violently, unless I had alcohol to chase down my throbbing throat. At that point I had lost complete control of myself and I didn't really care about anybody but myself. At the same time though, from my understanding at least, you could've forced me to get sober and I would've received the help I needed and shown why what I doing was wrong, yet you deliberated chose not to. That says a lot to me, probably more than you realize. For I know if it had been you in the shoes I was walking around in, I would've used casey's law. You could tell just by looking at me that I was sick, and unable to change on my own. I literally was skin and bones and puked six or seven times a day, I know there is no way you didn't see that at least a couple of times.

        Knowing all of this brings tears to my eyes. It is the reason now why I still don't talk to you much, or really even attempt to keep you up to date with whats going on with me. Yet, at the same time, maybe thats just me being spiteful, I truly can't tell at this point. I do know I miss you quite a lot, but i'm not sure if i'm ready to look you in the eyes after all that has happened, at this point in time. I don't deserve your forgiveness but that doesn't mean I don't want to make amends. Maybe, someday in the future, we will call each other the best of friends, like we did when we were younger, and make more time for each other.

         Until then, I will carry those precious ashes in an air-tight jar,
                   with my chin up, proud of what they stand for.

                                                      -love your sister, the daydream girl
I've been carrying around this letter for almost a month now, never quite able to finish it until now. It brings tears to my eyes every time i read it but it keeps me strong at the same time. For it will always be my unsent letter to a once so very close friend, my older sister. I don't say it enough or express it hardly ever, but I love and miss her so very much.
I was on my way to a party
Dressed in heels and a crop top
When I entered the corner store
To purchase some snacks
And on my way to the cashier
A man standing in an aisle
Browsing through peanuts
Glanced up and stopped mid-search
When I clicked past him
And proceeded to uncomfortably stare

I walked into the gas station
Wearing dark wash jeans and a v-neck
With my best friend at 2 AM
When two drunken men stumbled in
And began eyeing us up and smirking
My friend leaned in to me and whispered,
     "I'm really scared."
Overhearing her, one man elbowed the other
And with a smile on his face taunted,
          "Oh no, we're scaring them."

I was at the laundry mat one night
Wearing shorts and a baggy shirt
When a middle aged man across the room
Kept gawking at me from over the washers
Uneasy, I went outside to smoke
To which he stood at the window
And kept a close eye on me
I called a friend and stayed on the phone
Because I was afraid to go back
And get my clothes alone

I stepped out of my vehicle
In my sweatpants and flipflops
To grab some cigarettes quick
When a white bearded man
Was already at my heels
"Hey, how're you honey?"
I quickly replied, "fine".
And hurried into the store
Without looking back

It seems like every time I leave the house
It doesn't matter what I'm wearing
It could be "provocative" or a burlap sack
I always end up feeling threatened
     Heartbeat in my ears
          Cold sweat on my back
So don't blame it on my outfit
Don't blame it on my actions
Because I'm not asking for it
I just want to be left alone
It's not right that I fear for my own safety because animalistic people can't control themselves and act right.

I'm going to have to invest in pocket mace.

I wish I didn't have to.
We are so close, but not just by physical touch;
I can feel you the way I feel my cheeks warm up,
after you have said something
that inevitably causes me to blush.

Its as though our souls are connecting
on the same frequency
radiating off the core of this Earth.
This pleasure is unnoticed by most,
but we can feel it
like we feel the blood dripping down our thighs
on a substandard night.

Before we started talking, so many years ago,
I never believed in true love
or really love at all.
I always assumed it was just all in the head,
and two people could only connect to a point,
unless you were related to each other.

After the first year and a half or so of talking to you regularly,
you proved me wrong.
You proved what I grew up believing
for 16 to 17 years was completely false.

For if I had never met you,
to this day, I more than likely would of continued preaching
to myself, that everyone else
who has experienced this feeling called
'love' was insane.

Life without you would of still been bearable,
but only because I would still be lost in ignorance.
I am more than grateful you walked out of your way
to meet up with me that night three summers ago.
I owe you so much, and will cherish every moment
I'm blessed with standing by your side.
I'll make it a point to provide a nurturing life for you,
one worth living for.

You are my world, my inspiration,
the main reason I look forward to waking up,
or falling asleep cuddled in your lovely arms.
I cannot wait to see you later today and hug you,
while my heart races with satisfaction
like the first time you put your arm around me.
This is more than just some fairy-tale,
this is still the beginning steps of our long journey together.
So we mustn't give up when things go south,
for if we do,
it will be the undoing
of what our relationship has always been about.

You truly are my best friend,
the one person who'll never let me fall
if you know you are capable of preventing it,
even if i don't want your help at all.  I appreciate that,
even when my words or actions do not acknowledge it.
You truly are the only reason i was able to climb out of that dark lonely tunnel of agonizing depression;
for everyone else either dragged me father down or walked out.
You are my life saver, my sweet guardian angel.

I love you, my dearest, Chris, forever and always.
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