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I find myself in AA for the first time, I can't say what exactly gave me the notion to evolve my mindset to walk through these doors without walking right back out within a few hours. I'm sure of a few things though.

His haunted eyes slapped reality back into my life but a higher power of sorts must'v stepped in right afterwards.
Sober or not, i know my mindset wouldn't of naturally chosen to come here of all places.
Yet, here I sit tonight facing headstrong all of the demons I've been busy hiding from by getting drunk, high, constantly moving, and of course blocking them out. I cringe constantly as the flashbacks race through my head.
I have to keep myself active at all times just so I don't flake out of here on my loved ones or better, on myself.
The only things truly keeping me here is my new friends, the loved ones rooting for me on the outside, and shear willpower.

        I feel as though I'm running backwards on a treadmill leading to the hope and happiness so many have found through this program. I can feel the love and understanding as each member speaks or listens. Yet, in my mind I'm being ****** into a portal of hell, thinking there is no end this madness. I can't tell you how many times I have thought about waking out those doors, knowing I shouldn't. Throughout all of this I stand my ground, scared to death if I don't I'll end up downing whiskey til I'm six feet under.

       At the same time I've learned a lot about myself since I've been here. I now know I'm allergic to alcohol the way people are allergic to peanuts. Yet, I am unable to make the proper decision to not indulge in taking a shot or 30 on my own. I did not choose to be born this way, once i start i cannot stop til i pass out somewhere in an unknown place.

        It is crazy to know a bottle of poisonous liquid has so much power over me, even crazier realizing how much control it has taken from me.

        I know of healthier ways to sleep but my brain is contentiously doing everything it can to convince me all i need is alcohol. Someday I won't daydream of drinking ***** as i swallow this water;, waiting on that buzz i know full well isn't going to materialize to make me feel better.

-to be continued
I wrote this June 28th in detox.
I don't remember half the **** i said,
nor do i remember half the **** i did.

But i do remember the only way i could even function without you.

One beer in one hand and a shot in the other
was the only way to truly numb the pain.
All of that just to be able to get out of bed
after sleeping for 20-30 minutes a night,
without being soaked and shaking in desperation that is.

I do remember smiling, singing, and dancing during the day,
until the night stole my happiness away;
with a piousness liquid and drugs
i was aware/unaware i had par taken in.

I remember my motto became "Oh well." and "Who cares."

I don't remember the pain in your eyes when i'd walk away
leaving a foul stench behind me.

My mind had taken control
while my addition had swallowed me whole.  

I don't even remember caring, if i could help it.
I left the few small pieces of my heart and soul in you safe warm home.

I do however remember almost dying in detox.
I will never forget the violent shakes, ***** and heaves, barely being able to breathe for hours on end;
being so close to death i could taste the dark dryness.
The utter hopelessness had taken me to the point that i started praying to a god I had no belief in
to end it all.
Broken beyond repair as i pulled out my hair,
hollow screams escaped into something less than the molecules in the air.

Yet here i sit today, still ******* in tobacco smoke
waiting, always waiting.
But what exactly am i waiting for?
For this incurable disease to take control once more?
I have never been know for letting myself be happy for too long.

Or is this really my first real chance at a fresh start with a mature mind?  

Time will tell with many known/unknown colors, I suppose.
This is all too much to explain fully. Take it however you choose for i have nothing much else to say on this subject right now.
You can say you like a person
You could like a person's laugh or smile
But my dear darling
Never say "I love you"
When you do you have enclosed yourself in a glass case full of water
Slowly and painfully losing oxygen
Because one day you'll have to let go
Whether it's a death or a moving on
It doesn't matter if your fingernails are latched on
Because they will eventually break
Never love a person so much
It is unbearable to leave them
You will forever be scarred of the knowledge that you have lost
what you have loved so dearly
Never get too attached.
  Jun 2015 Amber Rae McNeilan
Daisy May
Crushed to death by these feeling of woe
my soul has no where else to go
I cannot take the heat in this can
nothing ever goes according to plan
slipped on someones banana skin
feel like my lifes been tossed in the bin
mouth is locked and cannot smile
so tired of going the extra mile.
  May 2015 Amber Rae McNeilan
You’ll be my 2 am thoughts, my 4 am texts. I’ll never stop thinking about you and your lovely eyes. I’ll attach myself to you so that you and everyone else around us knows you’re mine. I’ll cling onto you and never let you go, but I’ll do what makes you happy.
2. I’ll make a home out of you. I’ll run to you when I need to get away from everything, when I need to cry, lay down with someone. Your arms will become my bed and I won’t want to leave you for days.
3. My body isn’t beautiful. I am not gentle and graceful; I am sloppy and empty. My eyes have spilled the four oceans and are completely dry and dead. My bones stick out in unusual places that I have learned to hate from how much they make me ache. My tummy is round and large in my eyes, it takes up too much space and I grab it, I wish it would just disappear. I have tally marks cut into me from my worst days as reminders that I’m not mentally stable, that I struggle. My body can curl up into a ball so small that it makes me question if people can see right through me, if I even exist anymore.
4. I’m hard to love. I want what makes you happy, I don’t care about my happiness, because you will end up controlling it, and it scares me so bad. Your words will affect me more than I will show.
5. When you leave me, it will hurt me for days, for months. I’ll need to be constantly surrounded by people, or I’ll lock myself in the bathroom with my razor and pills. My body will break down, my world will crumble. My tears will be never ending and I’ll cry for you at night that I’ll have no voice in the morning. I won’t exist without you; I’ll completely lose my identity.
6. Lastly, I’ll write ****** poems like this about you.
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