I find myself in AA for the first time, I can't say what exactly gave me the notion to evolve my mindset to walk through these doors without walking right back out within a few hours. I'm sure of a few things though.
His haunted eyes slapped reality back into my life but a higher power of sorts must'v stepped in right afterwards.
Sober or not, i know my mindset wouldn't of naturally chosen to come here of all places.
Yet, here I sit tonight facing headstrong all of the demons I've been busy hiding from by getting drunk, high, constantly moving, and of course blocking them out. I cringe constantly as the flashbacks race through my head.
I have to keep myself active at all times just so I don't flake out of here on my loved ones or better, on myself.
The only things truly keeping me here is my new friends, the loved ones rooting for me on the outside, and shear willpower.
I feel as though I'm running backwards on a treadmill leading to the hope and happiness so many have found through this program. I can feel the love and understanding as each member speaks or listens. Yet, in my mind I'm being ****** into a portal of hell, thinking there is no end this madness. I can't tell you how many times I have thought about waking out those doors, knowing I shouldn't. Throughout all of this I stand my ground, scared to death if I don't I'll end up downing whiskey til I'm six feet under.
At the same time I've learned a lot about myself since I've been here. I now know I'm allergic to alcohol the way people are allergic to peanuts. Yet, I am unable to make the proper decision to not indulge in taking a shot or 30 on my own. I did not choose to be born this way, once i start i cannot stop til i pass out somewhere in an unknown place.
It is crazy to know a bottle of poisonous liquid has so much power over me, even crazier realizing how much control it has taken from me.
I know of healthier ways to sleep but my brain is contentiously doing everything it can to convince me all i need is alcohol. Someday I won't daydream of drinking ***** as i swallow this water;, waiting on that buzz i know full well isn't going to materialize to make me feel better.
-to be continued
I wrote this June 28th in detox.