I try not to notice
that you don't notice it.

I find myself in AA for the first time, I can't say what exactly gave me the notion to evolve my mindset to walk through these doors without walking right back out within a few hours. I'm sure of a few things though.

His haunted eyes slapped reality back into my life but a higher power of sorts must'v stepped in right afterwards.
Sober or not, i know my mindset wouldn't of naturally chosen to come here of all places.
Yet, here I sit tonight facing headstrong all of the demons I've been busy hiding from by getting drunk, high, constantly moving, and of course blocking them out. I cringe constantly as the flashbacks race through my head.
I have to keep myself active at all times just so I don't flake out of here on my loved ones or better, on myself.
The only things truly keeping me here is my new friends, the loved ones rooting for me on the outside, and shear willpower.

        I feel as though I'm running backwards on a treadmill leading to the hope and happiness so many have found through this program. I can feel the love and understanding as each member speaks or listens. Yet, in my mind I'm being ****** into a portal of hell, thinking there is no end this madness. I can't tell you how many times I have thought about waking out those doors, knowing I shouldn't. Throughout all of this I stand my ground, scared to death if I don't I'll end up downing whiskey til I'm six feet under.

       At the same time I've learned a lot about myself since I've been here. I now know I'm allergic to alcohol the way people are allergic to peanuts. Yet, I am unable to make the proper decision to not indulge in taking a shot or 30 on my own. I did not choose to be born this way, once i start i cannot stop til i pass out somewhere in an unknown place.

        It is crazy to know a bottle of poisonous liquid has so much power over me, even crazier realizing how much control it has taken from me.

        I know of healthier ways to sleep but my brain is contentiously doing everything it can to convince me all i need is alcohol. Someday I won't daydream of drinking ***** as i swallow this water;, waiting on that buzz i know full well isn't going to materialize to make me feel better.

-to be continued

I am told to take this one day at a time.

I cannot tell you how many times I have head that saying.

One day at a time,
One day at a time,
One day at a time.

It repeats over and over again in my mind.

One day at a time.
One day at a time

Yet, in my reality, it is
every seven minutes
then every ten minutes.

Every seven minutes, for m, feels like three hours,
during those seven minutes, i crave,
I crave to be drunk
I crave to be so high, I cannot tell left from right
I crave to smile like a child, 
I crave to laugh like there is no tomorrow
I crave to feel confident
I crave to make these shakes disappear for awhile.

Then every ten minute I feel normal.
I don't feel so outlandish for not drinking a beer.
I don't miss the taste of a cigarette,
after swallowing a shot or two.
I don't yearn for a drunken lullaby,
As time passes by.

Every seven then ten minutes
I'm switching opposite sides
Back and forth
inside my deranged mind
handling it the best I can

One day at a time

To a once close friend and a loved sister,

        I feel like I should miss you more than I do at this point in my life. I suppose after the year of drinking I have put us through, the 'us' I knew so well caught on fire and is now a pile of ash. I've managed to collect as much of it as I could before it was swept away, and I keep that in a safe place buried deep in the center of my heart.

        In those ashes are some of our fondest memories we spent together, almost always laughing and having a grand o' time, but now that all feels so distant, like it was many years ago. Sometimes it even feels as though I am remembering a great dream I had, or someone else told me a vivid memory that they shared with someone they called their best-friend, and I wanted a bond like that so much my mind convinced me it was really something I once had.

        It kills me inside to even think about how much I pushed you away but i'm doing what I can now to earn the right to even call you a friend. I know most of the time after this disease consumed my thoughts daily, and I moved out, it seemed as though I stopped caring about you and the friendship we spent our entire life building didn't matter anymore, but thats not the case. I can promise you that much. I understand if you chose not to believe me, because I am a liar, a thief, a cheat, an *******, but most of all an alcoholic. I'm in AA now to learn to change my ways of thinking and to learn what truly caused me to make the decisions I did. I know I need mental help, that much is obvious, and I did choose on my own to get sober and find the help I needed all along.

        My drinking after Chris left me increased drastically, to the point that I couldn't even get out of bed without being in morbid pain and shaking violently, unless I had alcohol to chase down my throbbing throat. At that point I had lost complete control of myself and I didn't really care about anybody but myself. At the same time though, from my understanding at least, you could've forced me to get sober and I would've received the help I needed and shown why what I doing was wrong, yet you deliberated chose not to. That says a lot to me, probably more than you realize. For I know if it had been you in the shoes I was walking around in, I would've used casey's law. You could tell just by looking at me that I was sick, and unable to change on my own. I literally was skin and bones and puked six or seven times a day, I know there is no way you didn't see that at least a couple of times.

        Knowing all of this brings tears to my eyes. It is the reason now why I still don't talk to you much, or really even attempt to keep you up to date with whats going on with me. Yet, at the same time, maybe thats just me being spiteful, I truly can't tell at this point. I do know I miss you quite a lot, but i'm not sure if i'm ready to look you in the eyes after all that has happened, at this point in time. I don't deserve your forgiveness but that doesn't mean I don't want to make amends. Maybe, someday in the future, we will call each other the best of friends, like we did when we were younger, and make more time for each other.

         Until then, I will carry those precious ashes in an air-tight jar,
                   with my chin up, proud of what they stand for.

                                                      -love your sister, the daydream girl

I write and I write but it just doesn't fill the holes of the absent anymore. My emotions are on hold and my train of thought is, well, malnourished. I need to be productive, more ambitious, and, I guess, a little less occupied with showdowns against the moon. I use to have dreams, and goals, I use to be happy. Now I have blocked memories of empty bottles and a love slowing healing from being shattered to the bone.

This is my own fault yet I can't fix it, not back to what it use to be. There will always be a scar layered with uncertainty. I can give my sincerest apology but that's more like a bandaid with ointment smeared all over it. I feel like you deserve more than that but I'm not sure what to do or give as a replacement. Though I hope you know I would do anything in a heartbeat if it would mean you had the slightest idea of how truly sorry I am.

I want to come out of this barrier I've put between myself and the outside world to get a job, yet I don't have the nerve to really leave the house. I wish I could find a way out of this mess of my mind because I feel more than ready to start the new chapter to our life. But I think I need help, a shove here or there, to get back on my feet. I need to feel like I'm needed, and less like I'm expected. I need an open window to escape this haze I call my daily routine. I need to try and be better than what I am today, if not for me than for you.

Should I or should I not go through with what has been brought upon me?

What is the correct choose when both answers are right and are complete opposites.

'What is waiting around my river bend?'

Something is coming but what exactly is that for me?

When you know deep down what you need to do, but your heart wants something else
...
Who is right?
What part of me really controls my life?

I'm curious to find out.

I feel the warmth in my heart,
And it reminds me of our very first visit to the park.
It was a beautiful summer night and I was so shy,
You weren't sober at the time but that doesn't really matter.
I think of our first kiss every time we near that second park.
It never fails to make my heart skip a beat when I think of that night.
Then there comes the third park where I fell head over heels for you.
You made me realise there that it was okay to be happy.

And I was always love you.

Tab you were my best friend.
The water to my soil. The earth to my sun. I still need you. My son needs you. You will always be my best man my sister and my tab.

For a long time now I've want to talk to you about what happened with chick. I will never forget that day. I tried like hell to get in that room. I may not know what he did to you fully but I remember what I did every second that day and it haunts me. I will never forget I did every thing I did to get in that room. I'd give anything for it to be me and not you. I will also take the blame and punishment for you. I'm so sorry he got you instead of me. If I could change the past I would.
I would change everything about that day If I could but I can't..and I will never forget it.

I want you to know one day I will find him and destroy his life and make him suffer for what he did to you. I'm so very sorry I wasn't strong enough to stop him from hurting you. I love you and what he did doesn't make you a victim it only maded you stronger. I hope you've recovered from it by now. And I hope you are finally happy.

I suppose what bothers me the most
is thats you didn't both invite me out with you tonight,
after you left the bar that is.
Even though you had the power to right in your hands.
Instead you left me alone all night,
knowing my heart was/is in despair.
I've had a very long and tough week as you know,
it would've been nice to have a fun night out with you,
but I suppose that deemed too much for you even think of and propose.
We both could've had a nice night, and there wouldn't of been any need to fight.

In the very end though, there was only one thing I asked in return,
was that you'd brush your teeth when you got home.
So I wouldn't get the urge to drink when I tasted beer on your lips.
If I had wanted to drink tonight, I would've.
Don't think the thought didn't cross my mind a thousand times.
Consider that and acknowledge I'm trying here,
but won't or really can't make it own my own.
You are truly the only person I have left,
that really cares where I end up.

Yet, I'm the pathetic and stupid one.
Maybe your right about that.
Maybe, just maybe, I shouldn't care so much,
Or in better words,
I should've left more than half of my remaining heart buried.

My mind remembers the past in the events that fliped my life upside down. Or maybe it is the moments that I wanted to hide behind closet doors and let myself cry. I'm not sure why it is this way but it is. When I think of years before all of the day's become a blur and only negative parts stand out. I have to try and remember days when I was happy, like really try, even though those weren't really rare as my mind makes them seem. But once I've managed to pull some out recently it only makes me tear up. These memories are always engulfed with the love I felt flowing from you when you'd put your arms around me and the look of overwhelming happiness in your eyes. These memories are the only ones that can pull me together when I feel as though I'm falling apart and I miss those days more than anything. I miss the bond we had and wholeness we shared. But I feel us moving on  with our future and there is a small but unforgettable spark in your eyes that gives me hope things are getting better.