Sometimes I see my past in your present
The twinkling eyes with each smile that radiates a room
The disappointment in self each lecture and post tantrum
I get scared about that sometimes because I want you to be better than me

But then I remember that people aren't "better" or "worse" than one another
And I shouldn't expect something I don't personally believe in
To apply to any situation
Let alone to you

So I struggle between

Raising you around your happiness, because I want you to have what I couldn't so ******* bad

And
Raising you with discipline, for the most righteous fist is the one that holds back when it isn't needed

And
Raising you as carefully as if we called a claymore mine home, and walked a driveway of tripwires

I parent in a tip-toe style
Hoping the foot prints I leave for you aren't too large for you to be unable to fill
While simultaneously hoping you don't follow them too closely
Or even that if you do, you won't be afraid to stray the path

I want you to be a great person
By your own volition
And sometimes I feel like I influence you too much
But you're still only a child
And have much to learn
And I as your humble caretaker, teacher, and protector
Really wish I knew exactly what the lesson plan you need is
But until I know what to do
I'll continue to try my hardest for you
Until the day my heart stops,
My teeth shatter like frozen tissue paper
And my last breathe and effort dissipates into the clarity you'll need when you need it.

J.A.O.
My initials
Three letters, representing the sounds I've obediently responded to my entire life
But acron- I mean initials
Can sometimes stand for multiple things

Take mine for example
It can stand for my name
"Jam and Oranges"
"Jail and Outbreak"
See? My initials can mean a lot

But when you take context
Which defines an acronyms given meaning
You get the exact meaning behind each symbol

So let's look at the context
My family tends to be repetitive
They're unable to easily cope with most things
And get overwhelmed by emotions to the point
Where they stick them in bottles to brew and fester
Well, I do that too
Ive been trying to stop
But I still do it

They drink
I drink
They smoke
I smoke
They act with reckless abandon in any given situation
Dido
They don't respond well to confrontation
Yeah. Hi.
Swearing like a sailor?
Check.

So maybe my initials don't stand for my name
Im sure they once did
But as far as I can tell
It could just as correctly mean
"Just Another Ortiz"

I've been thinking about you each day, maybe twice
And how disfigured your world views can get
And how I could help if I could go back with abilities to stop regrets

I'd tell you not to worry but I know that's a lost cause
Because back then you were trying to treat your feelings with rap gauze

I'd tell you love yourself because you're the only one that matters
Or maybe tell you how my brain works now, to see if you'd get sadder
I know the world was built on shakey grounds of lots of stress
But no one you know thinks like you son,
That was your genesis

I would tell you how you should see your dad
But back then if anyone bad talked the family you'd get mad
So maybe I can tell you why everyone is out to hurt you
Or why you'll try to make your life close the ******* curtain.

Maybe I can give you space to ****** grieve
Over your aunts, uncles and friends that had to leave
Maybe discourage your ambitions and untie the knot
I know life's a surplus of vacant parking lots
Where dreams, ambitions and desires start punching rocks
Until they're morphed into creatures you refuse to acknowledge
Until your final break down at the "Pittsburgh Rip off College"

Maybe I could tell you to feel your pain
Or lessen the impact of prescription drugs on that younger brain
Maybe even make you into who you're meant to be
But I fear that that answer maybe me

I'd tell you to talk to mom, and open up
Take up the vacant room she left you in that hut
I'd help you sleep at night with soulful lullabies
And put you to sleep with our own hurt pride

Maybe if I could bleed the effects of the pre-condition
You'd be intelligent and have some kind of ancient wisdom
Lessons that stuck from two worlds apart
But most of all, I'd tell you to take the sleeve from that bleeding heart
There's no wound to nurse once you break the silence
Because the only reason it still hurts is cuz you're keeping quiet

You'll grow up to be a manipulator
The kind of person you won't despise until much later
The kind of person that uses people for mental exercise
The person who isn't afraid to resort to lies.

Sometimes I wonder if it would even make a difference
Or if the timeline would adjust the route,
Like a downhill liquid.

I killed myself to make me view
That life is how I see it,
So now I look at you.