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Last night you asked
What I was doing.
I didn't lie,
But I didn't tell the
whole truth.
You aked what I was doing. I said I was drawing butterflies. It was more like carving them into my leg
I was bored
I was broken
So I tried what
You said works.
Numb your skin
With ice so it doesn't
Hurt when you cut yourself


My heart was a bird trying to
Escape my aching ribs and
I shook like a dead leaf
As I pressed the blade
To my skin, and it
Was so numb
It scared
Me
So
B
A
D
.
.
How could you ever bring yourself
To do that in the first place?
I'm just scared of cutting too deeply and leaving too bad of a scar. You just want to see blood. I want everything that comes with the touch of a blade. I hate when I can't feel something because it reminds me of being internally numb and it's terrifying
A bird flew and it's head
Smacked into my window.
It tried again, and again,
As I sit in awe of its blind
Determination..
Silly bird, don't you know
The satisfaction of perhaps
Entering my room isn't
Worth the headache
Pastell dichter May 2016
The first thing you should know is that he doesn't care
He shows up randomly and doesn't wipe his feet off or help around the house
He whispers to me how much he loves me but then he turnes his back when I need him most
He wants me to eat and then tells me I'm fat and ugly
He keeps me in bed way past when I should have got up
He forces himself apon me and makes me swallow him down
He screames at me and then when I try to tell someone about it he gags me and won't let me leave my house
He tears apart my life
He tells me about all the things my friends say about me,
That they think I'm worthless,
That I'm nothing
He said that he is the only one who loves me
He gives me little presents of cuts and scars,
bruises along my les and arms
He kisses me goodnight and wakes me up in the middle of the dark to scream about that stupid thing I said to the guy at the store
He uses me for his own pleasure and leaves me broken and lost
He lurks over my shoulder and scares off my friends
He pulls me to the bottom of the pit and kicks me,
Ribs snapping like twigs,
Flesh and skin tearing like paper,
Tears flowing like a river.
Pastell dichter May 2016
I paint my walls because I think maybe it's the blue that I grew up with that is making my feel so awful
I cover the walls with pictures of better times and brighter smiles because I think that maybe if I put up memories of happy times that maybe I will forget all the blood these walls have seen
I hang things up and cover the celing in stars so I will stop crying myself to sleep every night
I put up pictures of you to remember that it will be okay
I put up fairy light to hide the scars on my leg
I open the window to air out my sorrows and release my deamons
But it doesn't work
Nothing does
Pastell dichter May 2016
She assaults me with words and feelings I can't deal with and then says I should thank her more often
Sure let me thank you for breaking my clean
Let me thank you for making me want to cut
Yes please I would like to spend my day looking for razor blades
Thank you for making me throw up
Thank you for the nightly tears
The yelling
The fighting
The blaming
The self hate
Thank you mother for giving me my depression on a silver platter
And then asking me to thank you
Pastell dichter May 2016
you are my armor
my shield against all things bad and harmful
I'm sorry I use you to block the arrows that are hateful comments and quiet sinister whispers
but when I'm in your arms I'm safe wrapped up in my armor
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