I meander and malinger
As physically as mentally
No idea where I'm going
Just knowing
I feign this pain
Partaking in pernicious poison
Voraciously devouring venom
to keep you away
It's not fair to you
to stumble with a broken leg
while trying to guide you.
I've no map, no motivation
You deserve a dancer
with perfect poise
To lead your feet and body
While I meander and malinger

The smoke and vapor permeates
through the room
Before it dissipates
into the air and out the window

from a thick fog
to a gossamer

to nothing

I was fine with the atmosphere
You said you were choking
That I was smothering you
Which didn't help my cigarette addiction
I kept falling for you harder
I mean smoking harder

So you turned on the fan
and you opened the window
Like you forgot I got addicted
by smoking with you
When you were in love as much as I was.

I am
Eternally exasperated
Frequently frustrated
Incessantly irate
Perpetually perturbed

Awfully ambivalent  
Forever fickle
Frustratingly finnicky
Laconicly labile
Madly mercurial
Virulently volatile

And every other ******* adverb, adjective alliteration

I've been burning cigarette incense to ward off the hunger spirits
I've been drinking pure poison to try to **** the butterflies in my stomach
I've been relying on saying cheap cliches and terse, trite platitudes to avoid speaking of how I really am
I've been trying to stitch words together to make constellations or at least to make sense of everything or anything

I've been sleeping in the oddest of places if at all
I've been aching
I've been wasting money and myself


I've been better than this.

I'm not Bukowski
I don't care what you say
I'm not Bukowski
You never said I was but I don't care
I'm still not Bukowski
No, it's not pretentious to compare myself to him
I can say I'm not Bukowski
I don't write poems about degrading women while I ****

I'm just brushing my teeth in a gas station bathroom
Thinking about this poem
Or whatever it is
Thinking about you
I miss you emotionally and sexually
And I'm drunk

But I'm still not Bukowski
**** I wish I was
He'd know how to end this
I have no idea how to end this
Poem
These feelings
I'm not ******* Bukowski

I stopped smoking
In case you were wondering
I don't know why you would
But I did

I still remember the last time I did it
It was that night
You were there
I think about that night more than you do
How it went,
Should have gone,
You were

Crying about some one else
I just listened
I watched the smoke
Thinking it wasn't delicate
But dangerous
It reminded me of you

Tonight I'm really ******* craving a cigarette

I feel like there is rocks in my aorta
There is sediment blocking my capillaries
There is pebbles filling my lungs
There is sand irritating my eyes
There is gravel eroding up my esophagus
There is a landslide coming out of my mouth
There is an earthquake rattling my stomach
There is a boulder weighing down my mind
There is a hole in me no mountain can fill