Coffee and cigarettes
I tell myself I have
Coffee and cigarettes
"You don't need food tonight."
Drink coffee.
Smoke cigarettes.
Ignore the rumbling.
"You don't need to eat."

Just one more meal, I tell myself
Is it a lie?
Is it the truth?
It doesn't matter
I shovel bite after bite into my mouth
Chew.
Swallow.
Choke.
Keep it in.
"Just one more bite."
It's therapeutic

My stomach is rumbling
No, I tell myself
"You just ate."
I feel nauseous
"You don't need to eat."
My body is tingling
"You're still full."
[Let's do something about it, then.]
I eat and I eat and I eat and I eat and I...

I puke.
I watch my body expel all that I ingested.
My forehead is wet
And so is my nape
My body is shaking
Make it stop
My body doesn't listen
I puke
I heave
I retch
I gasp
There, you're not full anymore.

I tell myself it's the cigarettes
I watch my food go down the drain
Too much smoke in my lungs
Too much nicotine in my veins
[Too many lies in your head.]
"Ignore it."
I wipe away the tears
I escape
My stomach rumbles
I need food
So I eat

Coffee
Cigarettes
They make me hungry
I'm always hungry
My stomach is constantly rumbling
Never satisfied
Never pleased
"I'm full."
[Let's do something about it.]
"Please don't."
[Too late.]
I eat and I eat and I eat and I eat and I...

I cry.

In a dark room
Tonight

Hand clenched tight
Uncontrollable sobs
Red, seeing red
Throat blocked
Someone save me

Lost and never found
In the abyss
Killing me softly
Enthusiastically

Heart shattered
Endless tears
Love me please
Lose me please

We silence each other with a magnificent apocalypse
You poison me with paint-smeared lips
And I choke you with ink-stained fingertips
With colourful grips
And aesthetic drips
We create a breathtaking eclipse

And now I understand
that no one else can
possibly keep up with
the love I can offer
because everyone else has
other things to lose
unlike me who have nothing
and I can't possibly blame them
for not being as sacrificial
as me
for I am their destruction
despite them being my salvation

They say I’m bluer than blue

And I agree

If “bluer than blue” means not that I am sad

But that I am mad about

Or glad of the eternal cold surrounding me

For that algidity 

Allows for your arms around me

And try to provide me with warmth

Warmth that only you can bring

As I am tucked under your wing

With your smiles that promise something

In the future

Preferably with me

Still curled up in your embrace

Because only then can I face

Reality

Then yes I am bluer than blue

And I don’t want to be anything else