I want to know what it feels like to be I your #1.  Because Baby you are mine. I need To know that beyond a shadow of a doubt you always have my back , because I will always have yours. I try to reframe from letting hateful things come out of my mouth to you. I love you too much to intentionally hurt you, but above all this I want You to know that you hold my life in the palm of your hands and I hope you love me enough to cherish it. Because I will forever cherish yours.
©kimmied1105

For so many years I have loved you.  For so many years I have longed to have you back. For so many years I layed dreaming, for so many years I woke up alone. I had too many years to make you exactly how I wanted you to be as I remembered you just the same.
My image of you was of my own perfection, all a fabrication in my brain.  Never stopping to realize the image I molded  of pure perfection would later become the destruction of my own demise. My expectations exceeded far beyond the reality awaiting me . Painting my own heart ache and shattered my every dream.
After so many years you returned to me, it was perfection for a while. As my dreams seemed to be coming true. Until that moment reality took it's toll, my life as I dreamed it spinning out of control.
Now I am faced with the book of my life in a fantasy world that I made myself believe, as things have gotten out of hand and left me to face reality. I find so hard to accept.  For I have no more wishes or wants or dreams left to come true, I used them all up when I spent so many years building this image of you.
Before I turn to the final page of my book, the one that reads, The End, I have to come to terms with myself and accept my own blame. Things may not have gone this way if I hadn't been living in a fantasy world and tried to live a life of pretend.

©kimmied1105

Hard times have come among us. Are we all prepared. Have you taken the time to teach your children so they can teach their own how to live off of the land one day.  That day is closer than we all want to admit. Survival without starvation of your loved ones is inevitable if  they haven't been taught how their ancestors survived back in the day.  If posed the question where honey comes from, would they even know what to say?  Honey has to be robbed from the hole in that tree swarmed with millions of honey bees, milk that we drink or mix with recipes for our bread made from scratch every day , comes from the cows ***** milked by your own hands, the eggs must be gathered early in the morning from the hen houses where they are laid. The wheat fields must be picked along with the soy and every vegetable we eat, sugar that sweetens our tea came from that sugar cane . All of the luxury's of  seafood must be caught with a net from the sea , the fish that we eat from many different bodies of water , just remember to watch for the bear in that spring catching the jumping trout. You see for the way we are hunting our meat other animals already know how.  I hope that your wealth is abundant to survive in these coming days but most will fall short of the prices in the grocery stores to feed their families . Teach your children to teach their own all these things they need to know because the day is coming more near than we think that the only way to survive will be hunting prey and eating food that with our own hands we've  grown. Teach them the difference between their wants and needs as they will have to know the difference. Stop giving them everything they ask and start making them earn what they get. Teach your son's how to provide for their family, how to hunt and fish and farm, teach your daughters how to prepare homemade meal's that don't consist of a box, how to cook it over the heat of a camp stove that they have to cut the wood to keep it hot.

This family I have all began with a girl named Bella, she was more than adorable. Loyal and loving she was one of a kind. She never ran off until one day she never came home, my heart broke as I searched near and far, not only taken from me but 5 babies left behind.  I was trying to find these babies a loving home but attached from day one I kept them for my own. Oh my the destruction they caused, 3 girls and 2 boys, Heaven, Sadie, Sky, Junior and Buster along with my shitzu,  Zoey. Never a dull moment as each one special in there own way. Little did I know the place where we lived the ground they played upon made every one of them poisoned by parvo and deathly sick. My Fience and I worked round the clock administering medication and fluids to 6 very sick puppies. Our battle seemed to never end as death filled our home and we lost one. Exhausted and drained as i laid beside our remaining babies, death sunken eyes peered up at me from each and every one as if asking me "momma please save us for what have we done"  I burst into tears as I gathered them all near, laying my hands upon there tired bodies I closed my eyes and began to Pray, God please heal my babies make them better through my hands, I know you can work miracles so I'm begging of you to spare the life of my babies I pray unto you . As silence filled my home covered with doom, my body grew numb , I knew God was here. I began praying harder never lifting my hands as the heat from my hands became even hotter I couldn't remove them from their bodies. Chills ran through me like I've never felt before, releasing my hands as I looked in their eyes , the death that once consumed them appeared to go away. Within a matter of hours one by one they began to get well. I dropped to my knees and gave God his Grace for saving my babies that day. Every word I've said in this poem is 100% true, A wonderful testimony of how love , faith and God healed my furbabies that day.

©kimmied1105

Here I stand but against the odds in a world full of the unknown.  Waking by day and sleeping at night doesn't apply anymore. For things of my past left to the memories of a time long ago and shall remain for ever more. Though I exist now in the present of shattered dreams one by one became now none. What can be said or looked forward to of a future that lays ahead, a broken heart, a world full of me, or the promise to feel no more pain when im dead. Once a light shown bright and clear at the end of my tunnel now it's hard to find my way. Should I turn around and try and salvage the reminance of my life or face the hard truth that the promise he made is shattered as well and he will never make me his wife. Just when I believed I knew my purpose , I stand corrected but once again . Now with the odds still stacked against me it's time to raise my white flag and retreat. I faught a good battle but lost the war.
©kimmied1105

January 16, 1990, The day my life began to know true love. The anticipation rose with every contraction that came. I couldn't wait to put a face with her name. When she arrived, she stole the heart of every person that seen her. Her hair at birth fit perfectly in a little pink bow and she had the face of an angel. Not one flaw did my baby girl have, as she entered this world almost perfect.  Her eyes, the most captivating blue but with a unique black line defining them. Never at my young age, just turning 20, had my heart felt more joy and love as it did holding my precious daughter,  Mallory Ann, asking myself how something so perfect in every way could be mine. As she grew, she was as bright as she was beautiful. Advanced in every aspect of her fast developing life. Time wouldn't slow down and before I knew it, there she stood in her prom dresses, next her cap and gown. My baby girl was all grown up now and just as beautiful as the day she was born. Growing up very close, sharing everything together, I never dreamed there would come the day, I never seen it coming , my baby girl walked away. I went from being her only support that was by her side every day to a woman she grew to despise some where along the way. She was mom to her son at a very young age, I helped her the best I could or all she would let me, until she then to took my grandson away. I have missed out on his precious life and God knows I've made mistakes in my life but nobody is perfect needless to say. But when I look at her and the things she likes and the way she looks, it's like a mirror of a young  version of me, I miss her and my little Roo every minute of every day, I think of how wonderful it would be to have them in my life again, but the one that wronged her and was never there gets her forgiveness and love while I remain her worst memory as she sees no good in me and doesn't remember all the sacrifices and love and the teaching of morals and respect she was taught, for it hurts my heart as the credit goes to other people in her life   I can stand today and know the truth and feel the hurt and pain and the loss because the day will come when I'm no longer here and I won't feel the loneliness any longer. I only know I love and miss her and my grandson more and more every day . When the good Lord calls me home that's when the pain will go away

Why did you have to leave so soon, you were supposed to see all the dreams you told me I had would some day come true. Six years gone by and I still feel you here . I just want to hug you close and tell you how much you mean to me , I love you big but Lord my friend all these men you left behind , all for me to contend with   I hear your laughter , pretty funny you think , I could use some words  of wisdom my friend , only you would know what to say , be it biblical, comical, serious, or pointless I just need to hear your advise right now God I miss you every day. From Paul to Scott no never met Brent , all the way to your baby boy Nick , of coarse I saved him for last cause Jimmy Rogers if I know you , you Are propped against that cloud with a huge smile on your face sitting so proud of those boys you made . Thanks for coming to see me today , even though it's not how I planned it I remember what you use to say , be patient for it's all in God's Hands and He's the one with the plans. I hope your presence never leaves , I love you and miss you and all your boys and your best friend does too , we will all meet again one day Fly High my friend save us all a place in that beautiful sky right there beside you.