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 Jan 2018 Kate
Kaity
Survivors Curse
 Jan 2018 Kate
Kaity
They call us survivors

I call us leftovers

They tell us we're heroes and deserve better than the hand life dealt us.

They use us as examples of inspiration and make shiny metaphors out of our trauma.

But.

But they never look at you long enough to see that you flinch when they reach, with greedy hands, towards you because to look at you too long would mean seeing the hand wrapped around your throat.

They are never around long enough to know that panic sets in while you shower and scrub at your skin until it's raw and bruised.

Sticking around would mean knowing that you were touched by Poison Ivy and they've heard it's contagious!

They don't watch when you're seventeen and crying into his shoulder, asking him to tell you he loves you, just so you can sleep because that would mean that maybe..you aren't that heroic afterall.

If they got too close they would see that you aren't surviving so much as submitting to being alive.

They sit on the edge of their seats gobbling up details about your so-called courageous story, eating up the nitty-gritty details because they know it will end in some form of you rises from the ashes.

But YOU didn't know that you'd be rising from the ashes when he was lighting his match.

When you tell them, you're still in therapy learning to breathe and count to ten, they have to realize bandaids don't fix gaping wounds, so they stop listening, notice the crows feet and crooked teeth,  and turn away because suddenly...you look like a victim
 Dec 2017 Kate
kas
this is how it happens
it's the last day the temperature will be
above thirty-two degrees Fahrenheit
until February
you're not looking at the date
it's just the end of November
the middle of the night in the middle of a road
at the end of November
the hum of this small town hurts your ears
you're stuck in a dream where everything you see
turns into a weapon
this is how it happens
you knocked back sharp, amber liquid
to make this place feel a little more okay
and it only worked halfway
no matter how soft the edges are
you bruise your hips when you
run into them in the dark
you're ******* on your fourth cigarette when
a police officer pulls over and asks
how you're doing today
in the too-bright white of the headlights
the sick taste of Red Stag sticks to
the roof of your mouth
the mouth that you're moving into a smile
the mouth exhaling plumes of smoke at the ground
you're okay
"i'm okay."
you don't tell him what you're really doing
you're really taking all of your
thoughts about stopping your pulse for a walk
you don't tell him you've been
chasing ambulances all night long
please, officer don't leave me alone, you don't say
he tells you to have a good night and drives away
and this is how it happens
the moon smiles at you with every single one
of its tiny, sharp teeth
nobody but your cat finds you in that bathtub
nobody but your cat watches you rise from red water
watches it drip drip drip
from every chasm carved in your left arm
nobody but your cat saw the soft animal of your soul
shiver from the cold that day
it's the first day the temperature
dropped below
thirty-two degrees Fahrenheit inside your chest
based on true events
 Nov 2017 Kate
alex
i was riding through the city earlier
and i thought of you. thought maybe
if you were there,
we’d get off at the stop for the art museum.
we’d look at the paintings
and the sculptures
no, i wouldn’t be so cliched
as to say i would be too busy looking at you
to look at the art
because i would, of course,
look at the art.
it’s just that you would fit right in.

i thought maybe if you were there,
we’d get off at the stop for a place
we had never heard of
we’d walk until we found an ice cream shop
and you’d get two scoops of chocolate
and i’d pretend to judge you
because all sensible people get sherbet.
thought maybe we’d walk the sidewalk
and i’d point out all the dogs
and take pictures of you even though
you’d shield your face
thought maybe i’d pretend
i didn’t just try to hold your hand
thought maybe you’d pretend
you didn’t want me to.

i thought maybe if you were there,
we’d stay out until midnight
and admire the lights still on in the buildings
as if they were stars.
i thought maybe if you were there,
the city would bring out the quiet in us
the gentle liveliness
thought maybe you’d think
the sky was devoid of stars not because
of light pollution but because
they fell into my eyes
or something.
that’s what i’d think.

that’s what i thought maybe.
but you weren’t there.
so, lost in thought, i rode around
until it started to rain
and then wondered why i got wet
on the lonely walk home.
k.
 Nov 2017 Kate
alex
it doesn’t feel real
it feels like the moments where i sat in the snow
outside my old house
before going back inside
only to find my father breaking things
and my mother sitting by herself
in another room pretending she was right
and my brother angry at both of them
for things they already did
and things they were bound to do later.
it feels *****
like i need a shower
but no shampoo can wash the
anxiety from the underside of my scalp
and no body wash will scrub the
tingling tenderness that i feel on my skin.
the party in the other room
makes me feel like life never
invited me to join in
so i wait patiently for someone to text
and ask where i’ve been all night
even though i’m never anywhere
but inside my own head.

i wish life invited me to join in.
i still wouldn’t have gone
but i would have appreciated it
nonetheless.
i want you to text me back but i'm scared of what you might say when you do. i don't miss you yet but i will soon.
 Nov 2017 Kate
alex
have you ever tried to write poetry
when you’re not at all feeling poetic?
when life isn’t necessarily ugly
but it isn’t necessarily beautiful either?
when you could talk about
the sonder you try to feel
as the people sitting at tables around you
eat their food, talk on the phone, finish their homework, sip their coke
do whatever it is they do
when you could talk about how the
chill of this air reaches underneath
your goosebump skin
and draws out a shiver, a chatter
when you could capture the sounds
of the ice machine
and the clicking keyboard keys
and the rusty sliding of chairs on
a linoleum floor
when you could write about
whatever you **** well please
but it just doesn’t come to you?
have you ever been too tired
to feel tired?
god, i wish i were awake.
life is happening
and where am i?
one of those moments where i realize that at any other time, i would be feeling such wonder for all the people sitting around me, i would feel such gratitude for life, but i just don't right now. i don't know. @life don't move on without me; i know you've tried before.
 Nov 2017 Kate
alex
the guy
 Nov 2017 Kate
alex
such little interaction i know
just little pleasantries
but you remembered
out of all the distractions
you remembered.
i could build you up in my head
like a build-a-bear
give you a soft demeanor
make you a dancer
make you a painter
make you a soft soul
with seven cats and an
incredibly high score on guitar hero
in my mind, you could become
literally anything
and it’s a little scary.
there’s almost a 0% chance
that you’ll be who i think you are
who i think you could be.
thinking about you is dangerous.
i guess i’ll do it anyway.
i don't really like this but here you go
 Nov 2017 Kate
alex
watch where you put
your commas

some things are meant
to end,
despair for the irony
 Nov 2017 Kate
alex
and if you’re fond of
floating in the limbo
between handshake
and hug
then i suppose
i better make myself
at home.
k. whatever you want.
 Nov 2017 Kate
alex
"new year's day"
 Nov 2017 Kate
alex
the imaginary leftover confetti is still in my hair.
it’s been two days and i still feel
the brush of your hand on my fingers
in the elevator as i held tightly
onto what had become my entire life
over the course of three months.

and i’m brought back to the night
when you just barely stopped being a stranger
gliding down the steps
you asking me what i think of
this thing that would turn out to be life changing.
god back then i had no idea
that i’d be breathing underwater
taking shots of victory and mellow yellow
as you stared right at me
and never have i ever wanted you so bad.

lounging in hotel rooms and
turning around to look at me in the backseat
midnight flying down the interstate
i remember thinking you kept revealing
more of yourself than i thought i’d get to know
i remember thinking i could fall asleep right there
and trust you to wake me up if the city
came back into view

i want to send you the song i’m listening to right now
but i know you wouldn’t answer
and i know i wouldn’t blame you
i have a whisper confession to make
baby i think you might have changed me
more than my actual life did.
k. listening to taylor swift's "new year's day" and thinking about you. i don't know what this poem is about because i can't read it without getting caught up in your daydream.
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