The hardest part of life I’ve come to understand is realizing how much power and how little power you have. To change homes, feelings, people and the loss and longing of finding out things will not change back with you when you’ve found yourself far from home, alone, wishing so bad you had back what you threw away in pursuit of happiness, something better or unusual. The bitter taste of regret. You’ve dug your grave and now you will die in it. “I need you back” has the consistency of running water.

Love is wickedness
As the longer way home
Of death, of longing for feelings once known
Here and there but not again
Sideways, backwards, I toss in bed
Sorrow lit by sadness flame
Only but for love is to go insane

Passing strange
The people say
They peer a glance I look away
Ive missed the years
I greave today
What once a pleasure now a pain
Tumbling over my intent to stay
The past bleeds in today…..today
Crowded rooms and empty plates
Spinning off away….away
I thought id sway to rooms more safe
My Regrets move on I keep my pace
antiseptic, diagnosed & bound by bone
The richer seasons stay unknown

tap tap tap
Goes the raven
On the tomb stone in my mind
Awakens my torment if torments eyes go blind
“I walk from breakfast to madness”
And part way back  
Reciting her words as my chosen attack
Stalking death as death i seek
Though the dark lit vail I always peek
But bleeding scars on oceans cue
Times hands tick on avoiding you
To cheat the game is a tricky find
But Dying is the dish we all must try

Describe it they say
But how do you describe being haunted?
Is it a heaviness in the air you can feel with your fingers?
A low tolerance of tolerance?
A profound emptiness in everything I do
A deep desire for love which I simply do not understand
A why for my thousands of unanswered why’s
If seeing is believing I don’t believe it either
But I feel it in my brain like a light switch
Sometimes I’m really truly there
But mostly I’m not

A sudden urge to run away
Without reprieve, you must not stay
I loved you yesterday but not today
My waves of hair hide shattered glass
I close my eyes and see the past
What once was here so easily gone
I wish you’d need me all day long
A turning of tables, a different view
I’ve split from one into two
So close you’re eyes and count to three
What you need won’t be found in me

We rip and claw at each other
Cling on in desperation
Bounce away and back towards each other
Like electrons
Fear and love collide until they are
Completely indistinguishable by our faulty human eyes
I need you I need you
I do not need you
Leave, come back, don’t go, just go
Filling up and emptying out the holes in my heart over and over again
One day they will stay full
Or I will empty myself of blood and refill with water, tasteless, odorless, colorless yet so vital

I don’t know what to do
Change my mind, I can’t decide
Should I quit? with a single slit
All these outcomes seem so bitter
You see it’s more than me against the tide
It’s Burnt inside, on my mind
To bestow my will and make me ill
Bring into me until I see a lighter hue
I do diffuse my blue onto you
But to myself it makes it better

I am cracking like glass
Ripping at the seems like an old t-shirt
My brain is not working anymore
Everything lacks meaning
I cannot hear or see with the same vibrance
Pitter patter goes my heart with inhuman speed.
Why am I so very tired and urgently awake?
A dull gray has washed over my life
I can almost grab it but it slips through
My fingers like so much water
Like the years of my life
Maybe this is forever? A thought occurred
So I ran into this moment of clarity
and, of course, I ran like hell
Conclusion: The more I eat my fantasy make believe world Falls aback and fades
So I may enter the real one
And this simply will not do........

There was a moment
During my life
I can almost pin point it down
See though clean
On the edge of my seat
I hang on to my chair
The room goes silent
Bracing myself for the monster
To jump out from the darkness
And grab the idiot walking towards it
I want to scream
“Turn back! The monster is in there! He will grab you and take you away”
It Turned out I was the idiot
Walking willingly towards the darkest corners where the light never reaches
But I was not grabbed, the monster was not large and scary
So I took its hand and we walked together
Still Sometimes now I want to point my fingers accusingly “Look what they did to me” I’d holler! They are to blame! But there is nobody to blame because the monster who grabbed me and took me and made me something horrible from which there will be no return
Was essentially.......me.

And now things really are scary
I’m off drugs
I sleep
I’m eating what I want (mostly)
I’m 101 pounds
My body has stopped repairing itself
I’m cut up like tiger stripes
The sight of red and subtle sting has yet to fail as a quick relief yet
I consider killing myself on a very true, inner and curious level
I am not whole, just fragments of a girl no longer able to play the part
My thoughts turn and twirl, colliding and overlapping like the oceans waves in the thick of a storm.
Forgetfully mistaking actions of love and support for jabs in my sinking heart
For you are my enemy or I cannot even see you. I am combat ready. My mind has shut me out, slammed the door and turned the key. I am alone.
Thick fog fills my mind
It is too loud, too bright, too much
Somebody is screaming and sobbing
It might be me. I do not understand.
Maybe my weight has gotten too low?
The tight wraps of my mental illness
So long untreated is finally opening up and swallowing me whole
I realize as I’m sure Alice must have too
I’ve strayed so far from home
It would be easier to die than find my way back.

There is ice behind you’re eyes
I crave to entangle my coldness with yours
I want you deeply, I do not trust you.
You’re words are insightfully premeditated, ever changing and empty
I meet you’re gaze with anticipation of the sudden urgency too look away immediately, automatically and habitually
I must not love you, I must not love.

The goal is to build 4 walls
Decorate it with nonsense
Find someone to accompany basic tasks
Until you cannot sleep alone
Or Think as an individual
Freedom becomes a punishment
Hate. resent. resign
Make a copy
So they can finish the task for you
Or find the plot you’ve lost so long ago
Build up those 4 walls
Decorated with nonsense
To distract that it’s a cage

Being with you is like being alone.
You’ve taught me why lovers should never live together.
I can jump in and out of bed with anyone
Because it never meant anything to me
But I’d pretend it did, I wish you gave me that courtesy
And when I see you all my thoughts get reversed
The idea of loneliness makes me happier
Rage comes over me when I see you more
And I love you most when you walk out the door

I took the medicine to save me
But oh how lucky it erased me
No, not even a trace of me
Suddenly I moved gracefully
Before the side effects overcame me
And I saw only black and white again
My only memory of me before then
I was sitting by an old oak tree
Within myself I found peace
Something let me off the leash
Now I’m crumpled up inside
The lights too bright it hurts my eyes
Everything is rotten fruit
Craters are bullet wounds left on the moon
And I’m gone, though the cracks again
No one can find me
I am bursting through the seams
Now I know what dying means

Now I’m stuck in my room
Cobwebs forming in the ceiling corners
My light flicks out and only a shadow of me remains.

So I look outside
The moon is peering back at me
The lights so bright
I could’ve sworn that I remembered you

So I’m back upstairs
Dancing with my shadow of a silhouette
Then a knock on the door
Long coat, sharp teeth, I remember you.

Oh just sit down.
What am I doing in a room like this?

Now I’m alone
And I can think for myself
About strange things and a world that I just don’t understand
A white lie or two
A couple touches that night
Did I ever mean anything to you?

You know I hate to ask.....
But am I still in wonderland?

I see clearly now
For smiles and phone calls
So lonely now, maybe it’s time for you to leave

Because you see, you meant everything to me

What a spectacle to see
A girl who resides in a mind
divided into slices of three
and since that girl is me
I’ll tell you what it’s like
With painstaking accuracy.
One slice of my mind is currently living
In a state of past memories, weeping with joy for what I’ve had and wailing out in agony for what I’ve lost, my safety, my home, my father, my mother, my lover, my sanity my self esteem and years later my fiancée.
Slice number two is the one that claims to keep me safe but desperately wants me dead. This voice is the loudest so I most often do as it says. “Don’t eat all day, you’re much too big” “stay little, stay young”.  “hunger hurts but pills work” “spend all you’re money” “cut up you’re arms and thighs” “you’re a loser and you’ll never know love again” quite convincing I cower and cry.
Slice number 3 is still bits of me, my fear of dying, wanting to be loved and cherished, being sober, getting married, having kids, and being happy. I still don’t know which slice will take me.

I'm sorry I made you not love me, I'm sorry I turned you're feelings to hate. I'm sorry you don't find me to be a thing of love, desire or need. I'm sorry I make you feel the urge to run away. I'm sorry my tears make you angry and we are no longer the same. I thought we could make it. I'm not the angry one anymore, I don't want to tell you that you're bad. I see a switching of positions "change places" as the mad hatter would say. I hope you like you're new seat better.

She hitches her thumbs back over her shoulders. She pokes at the world, full of recriminations, bloodlust and injustice. The big out there world, the one I am hungry for today, at last.

I wonder what happens when I close my eyes for the last time? Will thick fog fill the room? curiously Will I walk hand in hand with the reaper, through twisted gardens of flowers wet with due. Drop off gray lit roses at my tomb? Will soft dim lights of crimson blue greet the nighttime hue. You’re arms may be stretched out to me and home I’ll be. Such surprises await me when I finally close my eyes. I can’t wait for my last time.

I twist and contort from the light
Hiding my cracking porcelain skin
If I step too hard an arm will fall to the earth and shatter. Turn to quick and my ribs will crumble inwards. So delicate I walk on glass  stick legs, careful my footprints don’t leave stains in the snow. I shudder upwards towards the moon but only reach my bedroom window, in I go, they’ll never know.
I prop myself up on the wire stand that keeps me from collapsing and gently lower down the bell jar that keeps me safe. I pop a blue pill to sleep and pray I don’t wake up tomorrow.

Ive given you tons of reasons to leave,
But still you stay
Because those reasons weren't enough
To keep you away
Because I love you so
Because I need you so
No matter what you say
I promise I’ll stay
If you promise the same.

I’ve become so bitter
With no ones arms in which to fall
Alone I wonder will love find me again.
Or am I left and forgotten
Do you think of me?
Like I dream of you,
I just wish you were here
To lay my head upon you
Feel comfort again
To feel anything again
I’m pick my poisons
Take a little more each day
Until my sadness goes away.

How much more pills do I have to take?
To even feel a thing, a glimpse of hope or anything? The days pass so quickly and I always wonder why, I don’t stop to smell the roses or point my face towards the sky, I never even try. I’ve become comfortable in my sadness, though I hate it so. My depression, my madness and obsessions is all I really know.

I want a love so tender and sweet
That you’d look past my scares
And scary habits, the pills and fainting.
To hold me when I cry and
Let me hold you to sleep
Fix me please & don’t ever leave me
I need you like the starts need the moon
I want it now, I’m tired of waiting.
Please come find me. Find me fast.

I love you,
Though I don’t know you very well
And myself, you don’t know me at all
it's not that I'm scared,
but I could die happy
If you would just say you loved me,
Or asked me to hold you
But you’re so far away
I would die tonight because
I love you more than myself
Even though I’ve never met you

You Green-eyed boy
With black flowing hair
From far away lands of which I dream
Please Stop following me to sleep
Possessing my feelings with yearning
Turning my reality inside-out
I will never hold you
And you will never love me
So please tare this fantasy down
My green-eyed sole mate

Take me away
Far away from here
Where things are real
And I can feel
Where I’m more concerned to die
Then weep of being alive.

Lithium, light boxes, little pills for this and that. I’m sitting here in total fear, is anything gonna work? Pay me this, it costs that much. I was once told happiness is free. How do I satiate the demon inside who wants to **** me. How do I lull him, hold him, suduce him? He never sleeps. The pills don’t feel good anymore, I’ve cut too much and now I’m sore. Starving worked but it’s hard to start. There’s nothing left, I’m torn apart.

Fate I believe is true
Most disagree on this topic
But I must believe it
For my life too sour
To swallow a spoonful without belief
If everything happens for a reason
My suffering somehow preplanned
I can open my mouth and pretend
This bittersweet sadness will end.

I have become so bitter
From having no ones arms in which to fall
When my mind is eating me alive
They say it’s better to have loved and lost
I disagree with this strongly

It’s the middle of December
When my sanity recoils
Like a serpent in a startle
I can’t get my balance right
Threw all my marbles in the fight
I have only one emotion
Careless fear of depth and devotion
Never seem to get things right
Me and my mind in constant fight
There are only a few to remember
Long ago years that went a bit better
In disbelief they’ll come again
I’ve met my fate until the end
A sliver of hope ill find my way back
Maybe in April, when my thoughts aren’t black.

You thought you were a story
In my never ending book
But not even half a chapter
Before you got too hooked
And I’m sorry you got hurt
I really don’t know why?
It comes so natural for me
to manipulate and lie.
My thoughts never seem sinister
And my heart feels in the right place
But I picked you up and held you
With all the care I had
Too soon my arms forgot they were ever even around you.
And you fell like porcelain.
Such a pretty broken doll.

I know one day I’ll meet my fate
If I am ongoing this way I may meet it sooner than later. Most people tell me I should be I should be more fearful. Though my thoughts on the reaper are loudly quite.
Surely I must be scared but I’m also scared to wake up tomorrow and practice my sadness in 7 steps again and ongoing until I really reach my end. I don’t feel anymore, so what’s worth living for, the things that made me happy now are dead, love, hope, little pills that get me through the day. so perhaps I’ll join them forever in death. My love, my dreams, my fantasy’s. I don’t think the reaper is scared of me but nor am I. I Just want peaceful and pleasant goodbye.

My thoughts are tangled hair
This maze I stumble through winter
That Folds me in like bat wings
Until I disappear
To the basement of my mind
Where none of this is real.

All happiness and unhappiness
Solely depends upon the quality
of the object or person to which we are
Attached by love. My love Is sitting in a velvet green bag full of ashes.
I’m *******.

Winter comes each year with a promise of chaos. Like clockwork I cannot stop it. My mind grows darker and my vision fads till all the worlds a dim lit gray. As a child I recall telling my parents I saw in black and white. Assured themselves I was lying. An exaggeration perhaps, but a lie? No.
October ends and the little things I can control are now controlling me. Like an old marionette doll on fraying strings. By December I’m peering up beneath the water. My reality now darker, like twisted, tangled hair that falls off in large clumps and clog my memory. I forget how to sleep, I no longer recognize my reflection. I’m something different? Pale, tall, sometimes bigger but mostly too small. My bones poke and protrude through my skin, my hips have turned to hooks whose only job is to hold up my *******. I’ve gone mad again. It happens every year as far back as I remember. Just don’t leave me here in the icy heart of December.

It hurts upon the sight of injection
Where needlils pierce my face because I’m fearful of growing older.
I’m light upon my feet because I forgot how to eat years and years ago.
The hole in my heart is full from the holes I put in my brain with pills.
My relality doesn’t measure up to yours because I refuse to make a decision.
You can’t choose wrong if you just don’t choose. So may I bud and never flower.

I’m upside down
Everyone else is right side up
Why I am like nobody else?
Should I shout and scream?
Am I lost in some dim lit dream?
Where convex mirrors cover the walls
Only shows a contorted, twisted version of yourself. Am I somebody else? I’ve forgotten who I am. How to right myself back up.
Am I real? Am I real? Am I real enough to die?

She lays in her garden of memories
Each flower a better day
Each **** a different time
But the problem with memories is
When all hope is lost they mean
Nothing more than a time to never relive again. You can’t warp you’re arms around a memory.

I can’t take reality so I take pills.
I don't know if things will ever be ok again.
I’ve sunk so far I can no longer see the surface. Do you still love me? Am I still here? I don’t feel anymore. I’m not anymore. I float and sink and bob about beyond the surface below the ground.

I wanna look pretty like your girlfriend. I wanna feel fun like her. I want to dance into the night, young and free nothing but your arms and eyes all over me. But from here I peer out though my display case, the glass bell jar that keeps me safe. I’m all alone in here, locked away inside, So prop me up with pills and tell me pretty lies. it’s all I need to be happy inside. Forever yours, dying bride.

My dreams are fading
I’m frightened
Will I ever find my cure
Mistaken, I’m waiting
Until I finally hit the floor
Loves fading, I’m haunted
Will I ever find the cure
Mistaken I’m waiting
Just for him
It's gonna tear my soul apart
I need to find my way to escape
I’m lost in my imaginary heaven
Have I finally found the cure?

Love lies best as loves life’s cursed
In loves eyes blessed as loves hearts hurt
Love like this possess our minds first  
As loves like ours our bound to burst
So fear for the best and hope for the worst.

I’m Attempting to balance the look on my face
While Drowning myself in these pills that I take
And Now matter how long I peer from my display case
I know it is better to want you in my head
With No relief from my longing
Because Winter is coming
So don’t bring November
With No warmth from a whisper
You said it’d be better
But I can’t remember...........
What’s even the matter?

Some days it’s too much
I can’t wait but I’m running out of distractions
Who am I now?
I don’t wanna love you
Just don’t forget me like I forgot you
I crave the chemicals
The euphoric illusion of my control
Who am I now?
Everyone thinks they know
Until I change like blinking
Now you see me now you don’t

Reality dawns a rainy day
My world of fantasy now dismay
In my dreams I make you mine
Hold you till the end of time
But when I wake your no longer there
My world is full sorrow and despair
And Reality, like a rushing wind
Destroying my hope, my everything

What’s the difference between
a bridge & a wall?
If your asking me there is no difference at all
I’m running up and down in my mind
Searching for something new to find
There’s nothing here to thrill me or pick me up .So I run up & down that hill
I turn it on and off at will
But if you’ve got no other choice
You know you can follow my voice
Though the dark turns and noise
In this wicked litte town

Fever dream
You’re all I need
a fantasy to fall asleep
an obsession to occupy my mind
something to waste my time
Fever Dream never leave
without you I’m stuck in between
a dull lit life of grayish blue
fading memories once of you
where I lived to dream
not dream to sleep
fever dream so sickly sweet

I’m broken
For me all hope is lost
Everyone has forgot
I’m the rain cloud that hovers near by
Nobody questions or wonders why
Other people don’t want me near
They hate the rain, I understand why.