There is ice behind you’re eyes
I crave to entangle my coldness with yours
I want you deeply, I do not trust you.
You’re words are insightfully premeditated, ever changing and empty
I meet you’re gaze with anticipation of the sudden urgency too look away immediately, automatically and habitually
I must not love you, I must not love.

I am cracking like glass
Ripping at the seems like an old t-shirt
My brain is not working anymore
Everything lacks meaning
I cannot hear or see with the same vibrance
Pitter patter goes my heart with inhuman speed.
Why am I so very tired and urgently awake?
A dull gray has washed over my life
I can almost grab it but it slips through
My fingers like so much water
Like the years of my life
Maybe this is forever? A thought occurred
So I ran into this moment of clarity
and, of course, I ran like hell
Conclusion: The more I eat my fantasy make believe world Falls aback and fades
So I may enter the real one
And this simply will not do........

I’ve become so bitter
With no ones arms in which to fall
Alone I wonder will love find me again.
Or am I left and forgotten
Do you think of me?
Like I dream of you,
I just wish you were here
To lay my head upon you
Feel comfort again
To feel anything again
I’m pick my poisons
Take a little more each day
Until my sadness goes away.

I can’t take reality so I take pills.
I don't know if things will ever be ok again.
I’ve sunk so far I can no longer see the surface. Do you still love me? Am I still here? I don’t feel anymore. I’m not anymore. I float and sink and bob about beyond the surface below the ground.

Passing strange
The people say
They peer a glance I look away
Ive missed the years
I greave today
What once a pleasure now a pain
Tumbling over my intent to stay
The past bleeds in today…..today
Crowded rooms and empty plates
Spinning off away….away
I thought id sway to rooms more safe
My Regrets move on I keep my pace
antiseptic, diagnosed & bound by bone
The richer seasons stay unknown

You thought you were a story
In my never ending book
But not even half a chapter
Before you got too hooked
And I’m sorry you got hurt
I really don’t know why?
It comes so natural for me
to manipulate and lie.
My thoughts never seem sinister
And my heart feels in the right place
But I picked you up and held you
With all the care I had
Too soon my arms forgot they were ever even around you.
And you fell like porcelain.
Such a pretty broken doll.

We rip and claw at each other
Cling on in desperation
Bounce away and back towards each other
Like electrons
Fear and love collide until they are
Completely indistinguishable by our faulty human eyes
I need you I need you
I do not need you
Leave, come back, don’t go, just go
Filling up and emptying out the holes in my heart over and over again
One day they will stay full
Or I will empty myself of blood and refill with water, tasteless, odorless, colorless yet so vital

It’s been a while since I could remember
every detail of you’re face, little lines once so familiar. Dips and gleams. The way you looked at me. Multiple Shades of blue, the things that made you, you. You’re smell, smile, laugh, you’re jokes and quarks. I feared when you left I’d never know love again and I’ve lived that to be true. In the casket of my heart I always drag you. Waiting for the day I close my eyes for the final time to know love and be loved again.

Describe it they say
But how do you describe being haunted?
Is it a heaviness in the air you can feel with your fingers?
A low tolerance of tolerance?
A profound emptiness in everything I do
A deep desire for love which I simply do not understand
A why for my thousands of unanswered why’s
If seeing is believing I don’t believe it either
But I feel it in my brain like a light switch
Sometimes I’m really truly there
But mostly I’m not

Leave behind you’re happiness
And Run with me into the night
Live your darkest dreams and be free
Take my hand & dive with me
into the lightless of nights
In my arms, I’ll tell you the sweetest of lies
Well for what are you waiting?
Lay into the casket of my heart
Don’t fall for the promise  of a life with a purpose Because you’ll see that’s impossible anyhow.
Let me hold you And dream of a life
We belong to another world now

If you were for me
Would I know it?
Would I feel it?
I hate the guessing
I hate the emptiness and the yearning
I know it’s only my mammal instincts
But it’s hurting
Why let the chemicals in my head control me?
Only ends up feeling lost and empty
I’ll turn it off for you
Because I love you more than I’m supposed to
You drive me mad I belong to you
So Ill **** my human senses to fight you
Your stuck in my head like a virus
But I’ll take the chemo and antibiotics
You’ll never hurt me I’ve blocked you
I’ll break my own heart I love you

I’m Attempting to balance the look on my face
While Drowning myself in these pills that I take
And Now matter how long I peer from my display case
I know it is better to want you in my head
With No relief from my longing
Because Winter is coming
So don’t bring November
With No warmth from a whisper
You said it’d be better
But I can’t remember...........
What’s even the matter?

Some days it’s too much
I can’t wait but I’m running out of distractions
Who am I now?
I don’t wanna love you
Just don’t forget me like I forgot you
I crave the chemicals
The euphoric illusion of my control
Who am I now?
Everyone thinks they know
Until I change like blinking
Now you see me now you don’t

A sudden urge to run away
Without reprieve, you must not stay
I loved you yesterday but not today
My waves of hair hide shattered glass
I close my eyes and see the past
What once was here so easily gone
I wish you’d need me all day long
A turning of tables, a different view
I’ve split from one into two
So close you’re eyes and count to three
What you need won’t be found in me

I wanna look pretty like your girlfriend. I wanna feel fun like her. I want to dance into the night, young and free nothing but your arms and eyes all over me. But from here I peer out though my display case, the glass bell jar that keeps me safe. I’m all alone in here, locked away inside, So prop me up with pills and tell me pretty lies. it’s all I need to be happy inside. Forever yours, dying bride.

I'm sorry I made you not love me, I'm sorry I turned you're feelings to hate. I'm sorry you don't find me to be a thing of love, desire or need. I'm sorry I make you feel the urge to run away. I'm sorry my tears make you angry and we are no longer the same. I thought we could make it. I'm not the angry one anymore, I don't want to tell you that you're bad. I see a switching of positions "change places" as the mad hatter would say. I hope you like you're new seat better.

All happiness and unhappiness
Solely depends upon the quality
of the object or person to which we are
Attached by love. My love Is sitting in a velvet green bag full of ashes.
I’m *******.

Fever dream
You’re all I need
a fantasy to fall asleep
an obsession to occupy my mind
something to waste my time
Fever Dream never leave
without you I’m stuck in between
a dull lit life of grayish blue
fading memories once of you
where I lived to dream
not dream to sleep
fever dream so sickly sweet

My thoughts are tangled hair
This maze I stumble through winter
That Folds me in like bat wings
Until I disappear
To the basement of my mind
Where none of this is real.

tap tap tap
Goes the raven
On the tomb stone in my mind
Awakens my torment if torments eyes go blind
“I walk from breakfast to madness”
And part way back  
Reciting her words as my chosen attack
Stalking death as death i seek
Though the dark lit vail I always peek
But bleeding scars on oceans cue
Times hands tick on avoiding you
To cheat the game is a tricky find
But Dying is the dish we all must try

My dreams are fading
I’m frightened
Will I ever find my cure
Mistaken, I’m waiting
Until I finally hit the floor
Loves fading, I’m haunted
Will I ever find the cure
Mistaken I’m waiting
Just for him
It's gonna tear my soul apart
I need to find my way to escape
I’m lost in my imaginary heaven
Have I finally found the cure?

How to save your heart
Don’t fall in love
How to save your soul
Don’t need
How to save your mind
Distractions....

She hitches her thumbs back over her shoulders. She pokes at the world, full of recriminations, bloodlust and injustice. The big out there world, the one I am hungry for today, at last.

Fate I believe is true
Most disagree on this topic
But I must believe it
For my life too sour
To swallow a spoonful without belief
If everything happens for a reason
My suffering somehow preplanned
I can open my mouth and pretend
This bittersweet sadness will end.

I twist and contort from the light
Hiding my cracking porcelain skin
If I step too hard an arm will fall to the earth and shatter. Turn to quick and my ribs will crumble inwards. So delicate I walk on glass  stick legs, careful my footprints don’t leave stains in the snow. I shudder upwards towards the moon but only reach my bedroom window, in I go, they’ll never know.
I prop myself up on the wire stand that keeps me from collapsing and gently lower down the bell jar that keeps me safe. I pop a blue pill to sleep and pray I don’t wake up tomorrow.

I love you,
Though I don’t know you very well
And myself, you don’t know me at all
it's not that I'm scared,
but I could die happy
If you would just say you loved me,
Or asked me to hold you
But you’re so far away
I would die tonight because
I love you more than myself
Even though I’ve never met you

You Green-eyed boy
With black flowing hair
From far away lands of which I dream
Please Stop following me to sleep
Possessing my feelings with yearning
Turning my reality inside-out
I will never hold you
And you will never love me
So please tare this fantasy down
My green-eyed sole mate

I’m upside down
Everyone else is right side up
Why I am like nobody else?
Should I shout and scream?
Am I lost in some dim lit dream?
Where convex mirrors cover the walls
Only shows a contorted, twisted version of yourself. Am I somebody else? I’ve forgotten who I am. How to right myself back up.
Am I real? Am I real? Am I real enough to die?

What a spectacle to see
A girl who resides in a mind
divided into slices of three
and since that girl is me
I’ll tell you what it’s like
With painstaking accuracy.
One slice of my mind is currently living
In a state of past memories, weeping with joy for what I’ve had and wailing out in agony for what I’ve lost, my safety, my home, my father, my mother, my lover, my sanity my self esteem and years later my fiancée.
Slice number two is the one that claims to keep me safe but desperately wants me dead. This voice is the loudest so I most often do as it says. “Don’t eat all day, you’re much too big” “stay little, stay young”.  “hunger hurts but pills work” “spend all you’re money” “cut up you’re arms and thighs” “you’re a loser and you’ll never know love again” quite convincing I cower and cry.
Slice number 3 is still bits of me, my fear of dying, wanting to be loved and cherished, being sober, getting married, having kids, and being happy. I still don’t know which slice will take me.

Will we always be this way?
Project our hearts on a tv screen
And when we closed our eyes
You crawled inside of me
And you slept in my blood
Like the way you sleep now
The pills piled up to cushion my head
But I could no longer sleep and cried out for death, well Just rest now, and in a moment you will know everything, it’s only dream?
Now the quietest hush won’t calm me down
But sending my neurons firing into a dim lit rage. Because you and I will never be this way again.

I want a love so tender and sweet
That you’d look past my scares
And scary habits, the pills and fainting.
To hold me when I cry and
Let me hold you to sleep
Fix me please & don’t ever leave me
I need you like the starts need the moon
I want it now, I’m tired of waiting.
Please come find me. Find me fast.

Love is wickedness
As the longer way home
Of death, of longing for feelings once known
Here and there but not again
Sideways, backwards, I toss in bed
Sorrow lit by sadness flame
Only but for love is to go insane

Love lies best as loves life’s cursed
In loves eyes blessed as loves hearts hurt
Love like this possess our minds first  
As loves like ours our bound to burst
So fear for the best and hope for the worst.

Being with you is like being alone.
You’ve taught me why lovers should never live together.
I can jump in and out of bed with anyone
Because it never meant anything to me
But I’d pretend it did, I wish you gave me that courtesy
And when I see you all my thoughts get reversed
The idea of loneliness makes me happier
Rage comes over me when I see you more
And I love you most when you walk out the door

I know one day I’ll meet my fate
If I am ongoing this way I may meet it sooner than later. Most people tell me I should be I should be more fearful. Though my thoughts on the reaper are loudly quite.
Surely I must be scared but I’m also scared to wake up tomorrow and practice my sadness in 7 steps again and ongoing until I really reach my end. I don’t feel anymore, so what’s worth living for, the things that made me happy now are dead, love, hope, little pills that get me through the day. so perhaps I’ll join them forever in death. My love, my dreams, my fantasy’s. I don’t think the reaper is scared of me but nor am I. I Just want peaceful and pleasant goodbye.

Take me away
Far away from here
Where things are real
And I can feel
Where I’m more concerned to die
Then weep of being alive.

She lays in her garden of memories
Each flower a better day
Each **** a different time
But the problem with memories is
When all hope is lost they mean
Nothing more than a time to never relive again. You can’t warp you’re arms around a memory.

You’ve broken in, to my heart sworn never to love again.
You've taken my heart and stole my mind
By words and deeds so endlessly kind
Just take them and go
But please come back
To tend the garden you've attacked
My heart and soul gently keep
As you wake me from this deepend sleep.

Reality dawns a rainy day
My world of fantasy now dismay
In my dreams I make you mine
Hold you till the end of time
But when I wake your no longer there
My world is full sorrow and despair
And Reality, like a rushing wind
Destroying my hope, my everything

The hardest part of life I’ve come to understand is realizing how much power and how little power you have. To change homes, feelings, people and the loss and longing of finding out things will not change back with you when you’ve found yourself far from home, alone, wishing so bad you had back what you threw away in pursuit of happiness, something better or unusual. The bitter taste of regret. You’ve dug your grave and now you will die in it. “I need you back” has the consistency of running water.

My sadness seeps out
And pours over everything
Tainting my world into a dull gray
It seeps out over you, until nobody will stay
I drag your ghost throughout my days
Reminding me what I had, what I lost
And why I’m sad and why I’m broken.
This game I’ve played all my life. Down to a sliver or shadow of myself. Not real enough to live not real enough to do die.
But I peer through the glass
Underneath the bell jar I’ve made for myself
Where I spin and stumble in my own Make believe world. To keep to safe or keep me sick.
I’ve forgotten which is which.
But now nothing matters. I finally had the dream. The one I’ve been dreaming of for years where suddenly you remember me.
We laid in mourning due, in your bed like we used to and you touched my back
And to my amazement it was you but you did not disappear or dissolve once I knew.
You stayed and you spoke. Aware it was me.
Finally again me knowing you and you knowing me.

If I let myself fall
I’d never get back up
I’m pulling back, the breaks are on
You’re not gonna take care of me
And I will not let myself crave you
I’ve never more wanted to not be in love
Than I am today, now.
The world is a cold dead place and
I am a cold dead person.

It hurts upon the sight of injection
Where needlils pierce my face because I’m fearful of growing older.
I’m light upon my feet because I forgot how to eat years and years ago.
The hole in my heart is full from the holes I put in my brain with pills.
My relality doesn’t measure up to yours because I refuse to make a decision.
You can’t choose wrong if you just don’t choose. So may I bud and never flower.

Now I’m stuck in my room
Cobwebs forming in the ceiling corners
My light flicks out and only a shadow of me remains.

So I look outside
The moon is peering back at me
The lights so bright
I could’ve sworn that I remembered you

So I’m back upstairs
Dancing with my shadow of a silhouette
Then a knock on the door
Long coat, sharp teeth, I remember you.

Oh just sit down.
What am I doing in a room like this?

Now I’m alone
And I can think for myself
About strange things and a world that I just don’t understand
A white lie or two
A couple touches that night
Did I ever mean anything to you?

You know I hate to ask.....
But am I still in wonderland?

I see clearly now
For smiles and phone calls
So lonely now, maybe it’s time for you to leave

Because you see, you meant everything to me

Contrast and compare between the busy ones
And the ones that don't care
Until there is no one that you really know
So I drift through these days of appointments and wasted time
They will all end up broken and quickly replaced. With pills and empty promises
I can’t seem to not take
The Weeks are slow, days drag on;
Even love making and parties seem too long
But I find myself on going
I guess there's nothing to do
Oh well......

Each day I live I see your smile
I die each night not in your arms
Of your beauty I take my sips
Like poison wine on ruby lips
Grant me reprieve give me rest
To lay my head upon your chest
In morning dew we lie entwined
Our hearts inside your hand in mine
From your view I’m vibrant and alive
In my eyes i’m contorted & twisted inside
You’re spared from the cruelty inside my mind  
I’m sealed from the reality you think is mine

How much more pills do I have to take?
To even feel a thing, a glimpse of hope or anything? The days pass so quickly and I always wonder why, I don’t stop to smell the roses or point my face towards the sky, I never even try. I’ve become comfortable in my sadness, though I hate it so. My depression, my madness and obsessions is all I really know.

Ive given you tons of reasons to leave,
But still you stay
Because those reasons weren't enough
To keep you away
Because I love you so
Because I need you so
No matter what you say
I promise I’ll stay
If you promise the same.

I’ve heard she hangs the headless
Upside down to drain
Nothing’s real it’s all a game
Am I Alice or the Red Queen
Do you suffer? Do you scream?
Are you mixed up inside like me?
Eat me, drink me
I’m so far away from home
I chase the rabbit further down the hole
Eat me, drink me
This will hurt you more than me
From a muffle to a scream
Wonderland isn’t scared of me

I took the medicine to save me
But oh how lucky it erased me
No, not even a trace of me
Suddenly I moved gracefully
Before the side effects overcame me
And I saw only black and white again
My only memory of me before then
I was sitting by an old oak tree
Within myself I found peace
Something let me off the leash
Now I’m crumpled up inside
The lights too bright it hurts my eyes
Everything is rotten fruit
Craters are bullet wounds left on the moon
And I’m gone, though the cracks again
No one can find me
I am bursting through the seams
Now I know what dying means