Now I’m stuck in my room
Cobwebs forming in the ceiling corners
My light flicks out and only a shadow of me remains.
So I look outside
The moon is peering back at me
The lights so bright
I could’ve sworn that I remembered you
So I’m back upstairs
Dancing with my shadow of a silhouette
Then a knock on the door
Long coat, sharp teeth, I remember you.
Oh just sit down.
What am I doing in a room like this?
Now I’m alone
And I can think for myself
About strange things and a world that I just don’t understand
A white lie or two
A couple touches that night
Did I ever mean anything to you?
You know I hate to ask.....
But am I still in wonderland?
I see clearly now
For smiles and phone calls
So lonely now, maybe it’s time for you to leave
Because you see, you meant everything to me
What a spectacle to see
A girl who resides in a mind
divided into slices of three
and since that girl is me
I’ll tell you what it’s like
With painstaking accuracy.
One slice of my mind is currently living
In a state of past memories, weeping with joy for what I’ve had and wailing out in agony for what I’ve lost, my safety, my home, my father, my mother, my lover, my sanity my self esteem and years later my fiancée.
Slice number two is the one that claims to keep me safe but desperately wants me dead. This voice is the loudest so I most often do as it says. “Don’t eat all day, you’re much too big” “stay little, stay young”. “hunger hurts but pills work” “spend all you’re money” “cut up you’re arms and thighs” “you’re a loser and you’ll never know love again” quite convincing I cower and cry.
Slice number 3 is still bits of me, my fear of dying, wanting to be loved and cherished, being sober, getting married, having kids, and being happy. I still don’t know which slice will take me.
I'm sorry I made you not love me, I'm sorry I turned you're feelings to hate. I'm sorry you don't find me to be a thing of love, desire or need. I'm sorry I make you feel the urge to run away. I'm sorry my tears make you angry and we are no longer the same. I thought we could make it. I'm not the angry one anymore, I don't want to tell you that you're bad. I see a switching of positions "change places" as the mad hatter would say. I hope you like you're new seat better.
She hitches her thumbs back over her shoulders. She pokes at the world, full of recriminations, bloodlust and injustice. The big out there world, the one I am hungry for today, at last.
I wonder what happens when I close my eyes for the last time? Will thick fog fill the room? curiously Will I walk hand in hand with the reaper, through twisted gardens of flowers wet with due. Drop off gray lit roses at my tomb? Will soft dim lights of crimson blue greet the nighttime hue. You’re arms may be stretched out to me and home I’ll be. Such surprises await me when I finally close my eyes. I can’t wait for my last time.
I twist and contort from the light
Hiding my cracking porcelain skin
If I step too hard an arm will fall to the earth and shatter. Turn to quick and my ribs will crumble inwards. So delicate I walk on glass stick legs, careful my footprints don’t leave stains in the snow. I shudder upwards towards the moon but only reach my bedroom window, in I go, they’ll never know.
I prop myself up on the wire stand that keeps me from collapsing and gently lower down the bell jar that keeps me safe. I pop a blue pill to sleep and pray I don’t wake up tomorrow.
Ive given you tons of reasons to leave,
But still you stay
Because those reasons weren't enough
To keep you away
Because I love you so
Because I need you so
No matter what you say
I promise I’ll stay
If you promise the same.