And now things really are scary
I’m off drugs
I sleep
I’m eating what I want (mostly)
I’m 101 pounds
My body has stopped repairing itself
I’m cut up like tiger stripes
The sight of red and subtle sting has yet to fail as a quick relief yet
I consider killing myself on a very true, inner and curious level
I am not whole, just fragments of a girl no longer able to play the part
My thoughts turn and twirl, colliding and overlapping like the oceans waves in the thick of a storm.
Forgetfully mistaking actions of love and support for jabs in my sinking heart
For you are my enemy or I cannot even see you. I am combat ready. My mind has shut me out, slammed the door and turned the key. I am alone.
Thick fog fills my mind
It is too loud, too bright, too much
Somebody is screaming and sobbing
It might be me. I do not understand.
Maybe my weight has gotten too low?
The tight wraps of my mental illness
So long untreated is finally opening up and swallowing me whole
I realize as I’m sure Alice must have too
I’ve strayed so far from home
It would be easier to die than find my way back.