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Jennifer Jan 2016
“Mummy I’m sick” said the girl pale white
The mum turned around in an awful fright
exclaimed, “What’s wrong? How do you feel?’
She replied with an honesty “I never feel real”.

The mother just sighed, went back to her book.
The little girl shocked didn’t know where to look
and went back to bed, in her nothingness room
Whilst her mother ignored her nothingness gloom

The next year the girl aged, just turned thirteen,
she called out to her mum who couldn’t be seen.
And shouted down stairs “mum something is wrong”
with the mothers reply “what the hell’s going on”

So the girl with the pause says “Mum I feel sad”,
Then the mum goes on about all the girl has
and how lucky she is, and no fuss should be made
Just think happy thoughts, it will all go away.

To which the teenage girl said “you’re right” with a breath,
and goes to her room, feels like turning to death,
but switches off her light and lays in her gloom,
her room filled with nothing, fit for a tomb.

Now just turned sixteen, her heart had just broke,
a boy that she loved continued to joke
about all the things, she hated the most
her weight, her smile, she felt like a ghost

And after a week, she spoke to her mum,
about feeling so fat and feeling so numb.
Unfortunately for her, the cliche applied,
about how all teens feel this, trying to clarify
to her girl that the “fact” is it isn’t real
stop saying you’re sick, illness isn’t how you feel



This time she said nothing and went to her room
stopped talking to the boy who filled her with fumes
the thoughts of hatred and self deprecation
she knew it was time for her mum’s “education”
to see that her sickness long wasn’t all in her head
it was something deep down that started to spread

And weeks went by with planning and thought,
to show how her feelings and illness was fought,
she searched through the house for a constructive fight,
to clearly scream out what she knew was right
“Mum, I need help I don’t want to die”
but this was too late to say, the time was nigh

and finally the next day she calls for her mum
screaming “mum I’m hurt please just come”
with a relentless sigh, she walks up the stairs
to her little girls room, destroying her prayers
that her daughter was better, she wasn’t still sad
and the realisation of what she said was bad

her little girl kneeling, white and pale,
with blood on her hands, began to wail
in physical pain with emotional struggle
the mum had realised, her girl was in trouble
and picked her up and took her away
to a place where people like her could go stay.

And finally after years of trouble and fraught,
this girl knew she was allowed to be distraught…
Jennifer Jan 2016
You hurt me and you didn’t even know.
Not knowing how to comprehend me can hurt me even more
And not knowing that this unrelated person is my unrelated problem
has caused a hinderance with their unspoken words.
A smile, a touch that’s all it took to turn away
not taking a second look as you walk to her
with your arms open wide,
regardless to the person who was already there
with their arms prepared to break to comfort you.

But your disregard to this leaves my words unanswered,
those unspoken words left forgotten,
buried somewhere deep down in order to remain
the person who watches on by in discomfort…
Jennifer Jan 2016
Him
I'm not angry at you because I can't be.
The only one to blame here is my misleading self.
Telling me that all the signs are there
when in reality all the signs are going the wrong way
The wrong way to where I thought they would go

On and off, he said they are
but it's never on and off for me
but the truth here is clearly
that no one was wrong, obviously
Jennifer Jan 2016
I type until my fingers are numb,
with messages of reassurance and love.
But you never believe my truth
because my sincerity isn't convincing to you.
You hate yourself for doing nothing wrong
But I hate myself for not be able to do it right,
to fix your problems and send them away.
But the I can't fight your problems that have no face.

The battle you fight constantly
is a background worry for me.
But the battle isn't over when I go to sleep
because the other messages keep on coming through to you.
The thoughts of pain and solitude.
Whispers in the night when you close yours eyes.
And all I can say is "Everything's alright"...
Previous experience with the frustrations of trying to help someone when you don't know how to!
Jennifer Jan 2016
why change what isn’t broken, because it can be improved
why build bridges that are broken down, you found other friends in the move
why fix what’s right and wrong, we should fix what the future can hold
why stay another day, no point waiting till your old
why be the hero of the situation, anyone can do if after all
why be a small fish in a pond, there’s advantages to it all…
Jennifer Jan 2016
I forget about it most of the time.
My thoughts only linger in the daylight
where they can dissolve into a nothingness,
Whilst people around me remind of anything less
of what I really want the most.
I don’t want to be alone. I feel like a ghost…
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