Dressing up isnt me
It makes me feel like an object

Yes, I like to look nice
Yes, I care about what I look like
But it's the constant worrying of not looking good enough that gets me

What to wear
What to say
What do I do with my hair
What do I do with my face

I've cried more this week than I usually do in a year

Need to harden up

Grow some *****
You little *****
Be straight up
*******
Grow a ******* pair
Stop making a big deal
Out of nothing
I was upset
And you didn't even care
Didn't give a ****
Cool dude
Thanks for fucken nothing
**** boy
Get ******

Head thumping
Stomach in pain
Chest pressure
Arms weak
Heart on my sleeve
Opened up
Silly idea
Stupid girl
You let your wall down
Slowly let them
Take it down
Brick by Brick
How silly of you
To trust someone
To hold your heart in their hands
To hold a gun to your head
And trust them to not pull the trigger
Silly Girl
Head Thumping
Stomach in Pain
Chest pressure
Arms Weak
Brick wall
Building up again
About to
Explode

I find it kinda strange
How everything
Seems to be working out
Lately

I'm not used to this kind of happiness
Something usually bad happens
That causes me to not stay happy
But right now
I genuinely am
Happy

I don't really know
What to think
What to feel
Because nothing seems
To be wrong

It's not what I'm used to
I'm used to pretending
Used to faking a smile
And hanging out with people
That don't make me
Feel that wanted
Used to being just okay

Now everything different
Is changed
For the better
It's a good change
But I'm not used to it
It feels weird
But I'm happy
Genuinely

So this is what it feels like
To be happy
Genuinely happy

I'm resting my head
On your chest
My hand on your shoulder
Your arm around me
Playing with my hair
Gently stroking it
Helping me fall asleep
Your other hand
Holding onto my arm
gently moving your thumb
Up and down
Your chin on my head
I can hear your heart beat
Your arms tightly round me
Holding me
Making me feel safe and happy
Genuinely happy
Even though it was the worst sleep
I've ever had
Because of the little space we had in the tent
It was one of the best sleeps
Just because you were there
You move and your cheek is pressed against mine
I can feel your breathe on my neck
You moved your hand into my sleeping bag
And pull my top
And gently rub my back
Because I'm almost in tears
With how sore my stomach is
I giggle quietly cause it tickles on my side
It starts to get cold
So I move closer to your chest and you hold me tighter
You're dreaming
A nightmare possibly
Sounds like your crying
My arm isn't on you anymore
You make a weird noise
And I pull you closer to me
And you seem to feel better
It's cute really
You felt better with my arm around you
Just like I did
Continue stroking my hair
As I fall gently asleep on your chest
Feeling the steady rhythm
Of your heart
And hearing your heavy breathing pattern
And you light airplane sounding snore
From you being sick
Slowly falling asleep
In each other's arms
Happy
And safe

I'm down
Hit the bottom
again
Nothing seems to be working out
right
Families fighting
People Distant
Alone
Down
"I'm Fine"
"I'm just tired"
"I'm okay"
"Just a bit cold"
I am tired
I am cold
I'm not fine though
I dont even know
What I am now
A hug from a friend
Well needed
Thankyou
You have no idea how much I needed it

I don't really know
But I feel like
I'm slowly breaking
losing it all
Slowly breaking
Inside
Trying to hide it on the outside
You three people
Make me happy
Happier than I've ever been
But you can't seem to make me
Genuinely happy
anymore
I'm slowly breaking
And I don't know why
I'm scared
Falling
Breaking
Worried
Scared of falling back into that hole again
She screams but no words come out
She finds it hard to reach out for help
No matter how much they notice
That she's not okay
She won't even admit it to herself
Shes breaking
Slowly
Falling
She doesn't know what to do
Or how to even handle herself
She's been through it all before
She can't go back
Back to that hell
She stayed in for years
She's so scared
HELP
she screams but nothing but silence
escapes her lips