I wish I could feel something other than this sadness
I'm really sick of all this madness
the drama I create inside my mind
if only my sanity was something I could find
except for all these joyous ruses
I'm not convinced that all these bruises
will heal and I feel like running away from me
or starting a catastrophe
to hide in the numbness...
and I keep hearing about oneness
and it makes no **** sense
might as well burn some incense
and conjure my demons and tell them that
I'm ready for relapse
so they can prepare the way to my grave
with all the rage of yesterday
oh Lord!
where are you...
I keep feigning faith and trust
yet the only things I seek are out of lust
from a disgusting array of fantasies
even worse when they manifests in my dreams
because I can hear the screams
that are coming from me
I'm not sure I'm going to be okay
I've worked so very hard at changing my ways
my thinking and perceiving of what I see
but the world is exactly as ****** up as I knew it to be
and there's no consoling me at the moment
so here is me trying not to control it
oh, **** it, I'm tired of pretending that all will be well
that all manner of things will be well in this living hell
'cuz my mind is a prison phone with the devil on the line
telling me that all I'll ever have is time...

I know it's hard to touch the clouds
when memories
hold you down
I know you cry a lot inside
when no one is
around
I know it is hard to wake up
sometimes
when breathing cuts so deep.

and the birds, they sing
but
you cannot hear
and the sun, it shines
but
you cannot see
and there's a lot of warmth around
but
you cannot feel.

I know it feels so hard
to live
with so many scars

but

light will shine and you will
see
and birds will sing and
you will hear

It's just a dark path
you have to walk
and I will be there
to walk along
don't hold your breath
don't give up yet
just
keep your hope
and you'll find one day
that you can fly again
for you deserve
the highest clouds
the purest air
the deepest love.

and I'll be here for you,
you, dear soul,
the sweetest lyric
of them all.

Self hatred was an on going battle for me.
It's been years and I'm still affected.
I tried so hard to love myself and at times I did.
I felt beautiful,
worth it,
I felt like me.
Which is weird because I didn't even know who "Me" was.
It never lasted
Time flew by and in a matter of seconds, I was fighting again.
Yelling, lashing, trying to eliminate the monster that lived inside of me.
That part of me that made me believe I was ugly
that I'm not gonna go anywhere, that I'm not worth anything,
It wasted so much of my life.
I spent so much time fighting that I was losing myself again and it scared me.
I couldn't find my way out of that maze I use to know like the back of my hand.
I did it a thousand times so why couldn't I then.
It's not that difficult and I understand that now but my brain had been so drained that I couldn't seem to follow the simplest tasks.

That Self-hatred came from society telling us how to live..
I was told how to live for so long,
Look like him,
Have grades like her,
Do this,
Do that.
It was only a matter of time till I broke and I wasn't gonna let that happen again.
Society told me how to live for so long that I finally decided to die.
I stopped fighting and when I did, I wasn't the one who died, the monster inside of me was.
Some see it as suicide but I see it as self saving.
How can you say you're living when you aren't even being you.
How can you live your life guided by guideline made from people that don't see imperfections.
Tell me that.
Do you even know?
I just hope you know that
It's okay to not be slim
It's okay not to have curves
It's okay to feel different
It's okay to want to die, I've felt that way many times, I'm pretty sure in the hell hold, we all have.
But I chose to live and you should too.
No, you need to!
Because I'm not ready to see you on the news tomorrow.

Stop letting others thoughts kidnap yours.
People behind computers are not our gods and until they can prove us that they're, I'm gonna live my life doing the things I love and you should too.
Live your life the way you want to, because you only get one.
Stop fighting and find yourself because once you do, it'll make everything worth it.

Just remember in this context.
It's not suicide, it's self saving.

Breathing nothing but confusion
Living in an ambiguous situation
Amidst the uncontrolled explosion
Clutched by a whirlwind of commotion
Entrapped by daily damnation
Your voice is still  my only salvation