I deleted her picture today
the same day I tripped over my feet,
got a nose bleed,
and lost forty dollars.
So should I have done it?
I see her roommate at work,
she knows more about me
than I know about me.
Weird how that works.
I wish it wasn't this way
Maybe I should have left and gone to a different school,
It's not like I didn't think about it
But yet my heart has healed in Liz's comfort
and the surrounding of this new group
"We are not them" Charlie says to me.
I say that I know, but somehow I don't
I fear this perpetual loss of friendship
and it eats at my heart
like termites
but my heart is not wooden
its glass.
It has many cracks and gaping holes
from the divorce and the deaths and the loss of friendship.
But every once in a while
people come around attempting to make me whole
My problem now is
I don't trust that new friends
won't break me like the others

I'm living in a tank filled with sharks
A contained living space
with creatures of blood

My body
suspended in the water
dark, blue light filters in
from somewhere far above

I don't need to have my eyes open
to know they are out there
watching me

Every once in a while
one gets too close
to me and my lifeless body
it nudges its head against my floating limbs
reminding me it's there

Today a shark took a bite out of me
my flesh ripped open and I am exposed
What do I do?
If I hit it back, surely it will consume me entirely
and if I don't I will die slowly anyway

You see, here in this tank
there isn't escape
The sharks don't leave
they pack together and hunt me

So I stay here
my hair fanned out and body wieghtless
floating and waiting for something to happen
I wait for the creatures of the tank
to leave me
but I know they will only sink back
into the shaddows
watching and waiting
for the next time they want to take a bite

I'm kind of stuck
At least... I think I am
Somewhere between telling everyone I know to *******
And "just please come hold me friend"

Some place in between an uneasy heart and hectic mind

"I'm depressed"
Can't I just say it without having to explain why?
Sometimes I don't even know which reason to choose

Short replies

"You seem like you don't want to talk"

You're right, but I also want to reach out
I want out
I want to let go of everything
And capture it all in my arms

like a fire fly in the palm of restless hands,
Just let me hold on to your light
Atleast, just for tonight

Because I'm feeling stuck.

My heart still jumps every time
your name shows up on my phone
I'm craving you
Only 30 days
until I am in the hometown we share
Only 30 days
until I have 10 seconds
of ultimate courage
when I learn over to you sitting beside me
and kiss you
with all I have
because I have waited two years to do this
and I will not wait any longer
Only 30 days

I can't wait for the summer
because it's when I'll get to see you

I want to lay in the grass with you
I want to go to the art museum with you
I want to get high with you
I want to skinny dip with you
I want to watch comedy shows with you
I want to paint van gogh on your back
I want to get drunk with you
I want to dye your hair
I want to spray paint the mills with you
I want to kiss you
I want to hold you

I wait for the summer to come
and all that it has to offer

I had two dreams about you last night
The first
We walked together
I reached for your hand
And you intertwined them each time
Each time we said see you later
We kissed
And then I kissed you once with more passion
And you said how come you don’t kiss me this normally
I said, why do I have to be the one to kiss you

The second
Was that over Easter
When you said you had plans
Really you were living in a house
With your ex girlfriend
The one two years ago you told me not to worry about
Now as I lay awake this morning
This dream has shaken me

These dream play on real life fears
I want him to make the move
I’m afraid he will go back to her
I want him
I want to know I’m his
I don’t need commitment
I need reassurance
Make these dreams stop
Kiss me

I don’t like it when people change
That’s my problem
All my best friends from home
I have known all my life
And when they change it’s gradual
I growth with them
We are intertwined
But here, at college
It is different and people change rapidly
I don’t have time to keep up
I don’t have time to analyze who they are anymore
I can’t keep up with their changing moods and wants
It’s exausting and that’s why I lost all my friends
I couldn’t keep up so I got kicked to the side
No pity please it’s a good thing
They create chaos and facilitate dysfunction only visible to the outside
I’m better now for this loss and I like myself better
I no longer sit in the dark crying over the loss of their love
I thrive with my new friendships of loving people with my own interests and aspirations and values
Starting anew is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done
But oh am I happy to be on the other side