"Funny, I don't remember no good dope days. I remember walking for miles in a dope fiend haze. I remember sleeping in houses that had no electric. I remember being called a ******, but I couldn't accept it. I remember hanging out in abandos that were empty and dark. I remember shooting up in the bathroom and falling out at the park. I remember nodding out in front of my sisters kid. I remember not remembering half of the things that I did. I remember the dope man's time frame, just ten more minutes. I remember those days being so sick that I just wanted to end it. I remember the birthdays and holiday celebrations. All the things I missed during my incarceration. I remember overdosing on my bedroom floor. I remember my sisters cry and my dad having to break down the door. I remember the look on his face when I opened my eyes, thinking today was the day that his baby had died. I remember blaming myself when my mom decided to leave. I remember the guilt I felt in my chest making it hard to breathe. I remember caring so much but not knowing how to show it. and I know to this day that she probably don't even know it. I remember feeling like I lost all hope. I remember giving up my body for the next bag of dope. I remember only causing pain, destruction and harm. I remember the track marks the needles left on my arm. I remember watching the slow break up of my home. I remember thinking my family would be better off if I just left them alone. I remember looking in the mirror at my sickly completion. I remember not recognizing myself in my own **** reflection. I remember constantly obsessing over my next score but what I remember most is getting down on my knees and asking God to save me cuz I don't want to do this no more !!!"
- Delaney Farrell

Do you still look for me in your new girlfriends? Do you still seek my eyes in theirs? Do you still feel my lips when you kiss her and hear my voice when they speak? Did you cut your hair because I loved it so much? Do you still celebrate Tuesday as “*** Night”? Do you still look for me, when you ask them out?

Do you still blame your father for our demise? Do you still think your hands are capable to do as he did? Did you marry her and divorce her because you were afraid of yourself? Do you still talk about our first time? And do you in a negative or a positive light? Are you changing yourself because you think you’ll finally be happy? Or because you won’t look so much like him anymore.... Do you miss me at all?

Do you still feel hate and heartbreak when you hear my name? Do you hear my name when our birthday comes around? Do you take your clothes off because I made you feel *****? Do you still collect lovers and partners like the hundreds of beads you make your jewelry with? Do you still fill your body with healthy choices but unhealthy people?

Do you wish we never happened? Do you miss your bruises because your mother is now dead? Do you hate me for wishing you were free of her when she was still alive? Do you still eat sushi and think of me? Do you still listen to the playlist I made you? Do you still cry that you lost your best friend because of me? Do you wish we had fought our feelings and that you would still be hers? Do you still have the letters that I wrote you? The poems? The drawings? Do you still have that power ranger blanket? Or did you destroy that with the rest of my memories?

Are you happy now?

He tells me that I’m beautiful.
That I’m good at what I do.
He tells me that I’m worth every cent while the clock ticks to two.
The mattress is up against the window.
The door is locked x3.
I sit and watch as the smoke floats and drifts around me.
I use my magic words.
And I do my hair just right.
I’ll make a bunch of money if I can make it through the night.
The drugs make it bearable.
So my body hardly feels.
This is my reality now. This is what is real.
Makeup painted on my face
And Fishnets up my thighs.
I tell him that I need him, right to his buggin eyes.
His pipe and rock are on the floor.
So I watch where I walk.
When he gets it in his system I can hardly even talk.
The paranoia eats his mind
As the clock ticks to 4.
He locks us in the bathroom, so no one can see us anymore.
The last of his drugs are gone
As the hour comes to 5
He tells me that I’m beautiful. That I make him feel alive.
He drops me off at home
And thanks me for what I’ve done.
“Last night was great.” He says with a smile,
“I Can’t wait for the next one!”

I'm sitting here listening
To your voice on the machine
Begging and pleading
this all be a dream
She wrapped her arms
around your heart
Tortured and pulled
Til the beating stopped
Now I sit here asking
Will I follow you soon?
Who's next in line?
Can I meet you on the moon?
I'll meet you on the moon, darling
I'll meet you in the stars
I'll meet you on the moon darling
To pull the needle from your arms
I'm sitting here Nikki
Numbing my own pain
Up the nose, there it goes Nikki
We are one in the same
She wrapped that tie
Around your arms
Tighter and tighter
Leaving only her scars
That minute
That hour
Of pure delight
It stopped your breathing
It stopped your fight
Now I'm sitting here Listening
to your voice on the machine
Knowing full well
It's not a bad dream
I sit here and wonder
Will I join you soon?
Can I meet you Nikki?
Can I meet you on the moon?
I'll meet you on the moon, darling
I'll meet you in the stars
I'll meet you on the moon sweetie
To pull that needle from your arms.

Fingers slide down your throat
It's hard to forget, as you choke
Every bite you took today
Stupid girl, disgusting shape

Watch it come back one by one
Tasting it twice is half the fun
See the colors mix and swirl
Till your marker appears in the bowl

Wash your face, wipe your mouth
Now that you're sure it's all out
Look your reflection in the eye
Smile, like you don't want it to die

Their names leave your lips and your heart starts to beat,
They fill your lungs with life as you speak,
Your heart is home to many loves that you keep,
But you have too big a heart.

You take them in, their soul you defend,
You truly think their love will never end,
Until you see their true intent,
You have too big a heart.

Her sweet British accent made your mouth water,
Her flowing blond hair, you would have wished for your daughter,
The ones who hurt her you wanted to slaughter,
But you have to big a heart.

But you're kept from her voice, and you're kept from her face,
An ocean keeps you from her warm embrace,
You soon realize her lips you'll never taste,
You have too big a heart.

His warm hugs healed your soul and dried all your tears,
You counted his freckles as you both shared your fears,
He had been there for you through all of the years,
But he stabbed you in the heart.

The ten years you had spent together, All undone and shattered forever,
His heart taken back and to a new bestowed
He abandoned your loving humble abode
I'll protect you forever is the song that he told,
But he stabbed you in the heart.

Her smell was addicting and her lips were so soft,
Her light olive complexion sent your heart aloft,
You traced her skin as her laugh would waft,
But you have too big a heart.

She told you she loved you and made you smile,
She tempted your heart and played it a while,
Then in a split second, told you that you were but vile
And stabbed you in the heart.

Her shy, gentle nature made you want to know more,
She guarded her heart behind a locked door,
But she melted away as you made love on the floor,
But you have too big a heart.

You want nothing more but to hold her tight,
But her body is constantly in a fight,
Sickness ravages her every night,
And you have to big a heart.

You loved him as her, and you love him as him,
You jumped in this pool, though you knew not how to swim,
Before his love, all of life seemed grim,
But you have too big a heart.

Night by night, you give and give,
Your heart dissolves, and you struggle to live,
You love so many, And love so strong,
Yet you hear that this love is wrong.
The guilt, it builds and breaks you down,
In this depression you begin to drown.
Monogamy tears your soul apart,
All because you have too big a heart.