today looks like knowing.
it looks like coming to and realizing that making me feel hard to love has more to do with your heart than mine.

realizing you brought out the lesser parts of me.
the unease,
the pain,
the doubt,
all this waiting

and in the end you are only sadness.
and i’ve fought my whole life for happy.
i’ve fought my whole life for the opposite of you.
there are no regrets here, because this brought me closer to myself.
closer to trusting me.

all this time i was waiting for the silence,
to hear the right voice in my head.
...it took so long
because i thought I was waiting for you.

What does love look like today?

Today love looks like sweet, sultry music...
I feel myself a child of the moon,
Dancing with wine in her hands.
I feel like lavender and honey,
Sweet and attending to
Your breathing,
Your melting,
Your heavy...
Like skin on skin
Like oil on canvas
Like chocolate candles
Like running all over each other...

love today looks like
yoga right out of bed
and coffee.

...deep breathing,
with only that and this body in mind.
it looks like wanting,
wanting more for myself
wanting more of myself
wanting it all for myself
wanting everything I deserve that makes me more than myself.
...wanting myself.

working though this tension
and realizing this pain is trying to tell me something.
my body has been communicating and it has taken me 27 years to become intelligent enough to listen.

love today looks like
Balance & Composure
and a little bit of The Maine
some Jhene Aiko
and Jessie Ware.
it looks like letting myself feel everything,
but staying silent.
all these questions
that will never have answers.
all this holding when the middle is empty.
today I am dressed in red,
feeling blue.
wishing i tried to put on lipstick.

At 12:20 pm today ...
love looks like
wishing
wanting
and letting go.
wake up,
let go.
sleep,
let go.
wake up,
let go.
sleep,
let you go.
it’s never ending
...until it does,
but what will that look like?
will this ending look like you?

... love today looks like
wishing
wanting
and letting go... of you baby .

What does love look like today?

love today looks like mountains that I can’t make move or see over
like breaking and no space to sit down and put the pieces back together
love today looks like rain w/ no peace to lie down and enjoy the falling
like the sun building up its walls in reaction to me
like myself building up walls in reaction to me...

What does love look like today?

the sadness leaving,
joy coming in the morning,
getting back in bed after breakfast,
steam breaking down tension,
oil pushing through the feeling of not being touched by the other person I love,
mending and healing
after cleaning out the wounds,
lying in the night,
knowing there is light tomorrow,
God say the same ... knowing that there is living to do tomorrow.