i have lost
i have won
i have been down
i have been up

my world has been rocked
and turned
upside down

so much has changed
yet so much has stayed the same

things have become more complex
yet some have simplified

(i just want this year to end)
i never want this year to end

the butterflies in my stomach
the flutter in my chest
are overtaken
by the weight of self-doubt
and overthinking.

those butterflies,
that flutter
are the only things i ever want to feel.
pure bliss.
pure happiness.

the self-doubt, the overthinking,
the anxiety it brings
is overwhelming.
shutting down is the only option.

it's all i can do.
(but i can't)

i has a dream i was running
feet pounding on the ground
(left
right
left
right)
breathing just hard enough to be uncomfortable
(in
out
in
out
in
out)
arms hanging low
swinging just enough to help propel me forward

i felt so free
striding down the road and onto the trail
dodging roots and rocks
jumping over fallen trees
soaring down hills
flying across the woods

i felt so free
just the earth and me

I'm just really sad.
I should feel great.
I have a family that loves me,
Friends who care,
A promising future,
Big dreams,
Good grades.

But I still feel sad.

worn down,
buzzy ears,
full face,
heavy chest,
dry throat,
red nose,
cracked lips,
dry skin,
heavy head.

ever since i was a little girl,
my mom always told me to
sing,
sing a song,
sing out loud,
sing out strong,
song of good things, not bad
sing of happy, not sad.
mom
i regret to inform you
that i cannot sing  -
but i do anyway,
alone,
in the shower,
and in my car.
in the kitchen
when i'm alone.
i sing things people will never hear,
i create melodies that will never be played,
i write lyrics that will never be read.

if i were blessed with a voice,
i would share it with the world.
but for now,
the only things that will hear me
are my car seats
and shower stall.

i love snow days
sleeping in,
a pancake breakfast (or brunch),
working in my pajamas,
watching the quiet and still world out the window
nothing beats a snow day

until you have 3 of them over the course of a week or so (with a weekend in between) and you live alone

then i start to feel like jack torrence

I cannot decide whether or not to
End this.
Sometimes things go great.
But those times are rare.
Things are turning sour but you're too
Blind to see it.

this couch seems so empty
with just me on it.
i am so lonely here
on this couch.
the songs i hear
are making me long
for your arms around me -
comfort me,
let me cry,
and please
just let me speak.

nothing but
tears
have streamed down my face today.
my eyes,
my head,
my throat,
my chest.
they all hurt.
my heart is broken
i am living in a state of
denial.
i can't believe this happened.
it wasn't supposed to happen like this.
this wasn't supposed to happen today.
i am broken.
my soul is shattered.

I am happy now

These things I have penned
These thoughts that were once impenetrable
Have dissipated.

Each one of these poems
Mean nothing to me.

I still feel pain
but I'm not afraid to hurt anymore.

There is a light -
I just had to go through the darkest depths
to find it.

I'm proud to say
"I made it"
Memories sometimes surface
but I have the strength to push them away.
I have the strength to let the sun shine on me.

I finally learned that it is okay to be happy.

it's thanksgiving.
i'm so grateful for everyone in my life
and
all the incredible things i've done this year,
but i still feel like something is missing.

(and it's you)

i never really thought an almost stranger’s second floor apartment could make me feel at ease

it was a houseful that night but even after almost everyone with a long drive home left
it still felt ***** even though i barely knew anyone who stayed
if it were anywhere else
i would have stayed bottled up all night
and left when they did
even though i live ten minutes away
but something about that place
and the almost stranger who calls it home
made me feel more comfortable than i have since coming to this new place

not even my space feels like that

the last time i left you
i was livid.
i was shaking in anger and i was hurt
i was shaken to my core.
the last time i left you
my throat was closed and my voice thick with tears
i tried not to cry the whole ride home.
i sat there in silence while my best friend comforted me, and told me who you really were - the person i was too blind to see.
this time when i left you
it was friendly,
it was cordial
and i'm looking forward to seeing you again.
i'm glad you're happy now
i'm glad you're doing what you love
i'm glad you're alive and want to continue to live.
now i'm glad you did what you did to me
because i have finally found something real and true.
i have written about how much i hate and despise you
but i don't hate you anymore.

white spider
black cotton
we’re in your home now

grey squirrel
heather polyester
we’re under your home now

blue bird
blue jeans
we’re just visiting

today i bought a journal
so i could pen my thoughts on paper

today i bought a journal
not only to write my thoughts
but to keep my life in order
today i bought a journal

today i bought a journal
to hold myself accountable
for my actions
today i bought a journal

today i bought a journal
so i could write down lines
that might fit some rhyme
somewhere, sometime
today i bought a journal

today i bought a journal
maybe as a tangible reminder of how far i will go?
maybe just as a physical place to keep my writing?
today i bought a journal

Do not buy me roses.
Roses are beautiful,
but the last time
someone gave me roses,
was at a funeral.
Do not buy me roses
of any color -
red,
pink,
or yellow.
My grandmother
gave me pink roses
at her funeral.
My dear cousin
gave me red roses
at his funeral.
Do not buy me a rose
because I will punch you in the nose.

the things that i want to say
are the things that might scare you away
how can i validate or dispel the thoughts in my head without taking a risk?
a risk that could change everything for the better
or
a risk that could ruin everything
why gamble away what is already good?
because there is a potential to discover something even better.
my heart is screaming to take the plunge,
my head is telling me it would be a total loss
who do i follow when i'm so torn?

i'm so physically,
mentally,
and emotionally
exhausted.
i'm so tired
no amount of sleep
will help me.
i'm so tired
but
my thoughts are racing
at one hundred miles an hour.
but i can't quiet them.
i can't sleep,
i can hardly eat -
i'm so sick of this place.


but i'm trying my best to be better.

it's like i have it all
good grades, a job, a roof over my head, a family who loves me, a boyfriend who i love more than life itself - a feeling that is reciprocated tenfold.

yet

i feel the shadow of an emptiness that i can't seem to fill
the remnants of a sadness that was once so profound still linger in my consciousness and
although small
are mighty
they are capable of eating me alive and my soul drowns in their waters
i feel as if i don't deserve the good i have
i feel as if i don't deserve the love that is given to me
i thank the powers that be for everything that i have
yet
if i say this out loud
i think i seem ungrateful

i want someone
to look at me
that way
johnny
looks at loretta
in moonstruck.
the way
johnny
looks at baby
in ***** dancing.

waking up alone is something i never thought i would experience
but
it happened

we stayed up talking on my futon until 2am
but neither of us realized the time because we were laughing more than i think we both laughed in a long time
and you told me to stay with you on my ****** futon for those few hours before the sun came up
but i made up a ******* excuse about not being able to sleep outside of my own bed
probably because i didn’t want to let myself feel what i knew was real
what you told me just minutes before we kissed to see if we felt anything
and ******* i felt something

i wouldn’t have kissed back if i didn’t

i should have stayed with you on the futon
maybe i would’ve slept
maybe i wouldn’t have woken up alone
with just a note on the futon

this is the third thanksgiving without you.
this is the third thanksgiving without your laugh.
this is the third thanksgiving without the question "are your still playing?"
this is the third thanksgiving without that faint tobacco smell following you.

this is the fourth thanksgiving without you.
this is the fourth thanksgiving without you yelling at my uncle for his hair.
this is the fourth thanksgiving without you're criticisms about the soup being salty.
this is the forth thanksgiving without your two cents about politics.

i hate having two less seats at the table.

i wish so desperately to find solace in
You
i want to believe in You wholeheartedly
but for some reason
i cannot
i was raised to follow You and believe in
You
but i feel You have left me in the dark
i am trying to see Your light through the forest
but i cannot
i don't feel Your love the way i once did
You don't touch me the way You used to as i kneeled before You on sundays
i know You are real and the Son is real
but i am having a hard time understanding why i am here
and why my prayers have gone unanswered
You have a purpose for me
but what is it?

clean laundry
the smell before rain
that feeling after rain
a fresh cup of coffee
a new box of crayola crayons
a bag of m&ms;
a used bookstore
fresh baked bread
a fluffy towel after a long shower
a sweets shop
a bouquet of flowers
getting in bed after a long day
the elephant room
crunching snow
birds in the morning
sunrise
sunset
stoplight kisses
foggy nights
a summer breeze
ocean waves
the quiet things
the blood in my veins
the sun
the moon
the stars
my love

you are the sun
you shine in my sky even on the darkest of days
your light radiates through the densest fog
and the worst of storms
your light burns in the best way
warming my skin and my insides
i am blooming
the ivy that holds my throat like a vice is dying and making room for the flowers that are bursting from my ribcage and out of my mouth

you are the sun