At nineteen,
I told you my deepest darkest secret.
I thought I could rely on you to hold my hand through the pain.
Figured the fact we knew each other for so long meant we had a bond.

At nineteen, I told you he ***** me.

At nineteen, you shapeshifted.
You morphed into a volcano.
You became explosive with rage.

You told me it was my fault.
That I had to make it up to you.

At nineteen, I told you more truths.
At nineteen, you refused to believe
Or acknowledge, understand,
Or even think for a second that he tried to **** me.

I guess that was something only you were allowed to do.

But it’s all true.
The years I’ve spent walking through hell.
From both of you.
I know you said to never compare you to him.
But you’re much the same.
That’s why you were so afraid when in a sentence I spoke both your names.

Not trying to impress you, I'm just trying to get by
I've been running out of breath and out of hope and out of time
And if I pass this finish line, I'll just keep moving on
Surprised that I still made it even though it took so long.

'Cause I have failed so many times that sometimes I don't try
I wrap up in my fears and thoughts and curl up tight to hide
But no matter what it is that gets me on my feet again
To go again is all that's left, so I count down from ten.

Ten more breaths until my heart can settle in my chest;
Nine more hours on the clock until I get to rest;
Eight times more that I can tell myself I'm not alone;
Seven more reminders of the way that I have grown;

Six more chances left to give myself the care I need;
Five more minutes off the clock that I can use to breathe;
Four good beats to count inside my steady beating heart;
Three attempts that might not fail that I just need to start;

Two things left to say before I rise up from the depths;
One more time I'll brush myself off and take one more step.

A faded picture
Of a swing set
On a lonely porch
Of two hands
Twined like vine

A waning sketch
Of imprints of feet in sand

And millions of words
Created in
Moonlight starlight and daylight

Millions of chuckles ,Smirks
Laughs and Hugs

Millions of Kisses
Blushes and Cold shivers

Memories living in skin and lips
I'll run my wrinkled hands over each of them

You can see the moon
as well as I
from where you are.

Perhaps I can stretch my arm
up to the wandering crescent
and grasp it firmly
to swing myself
across the meager gulf.

I'll lightly drop
into the lap of your land,
before the moonlit vision
of your loveliness.

To write words over and over
To explain what it feels to love you
To express what you mean to me

No words can be enough for that
And so I always end up erasing them

Life is a chasm,
You don't know what it holds,
Just grasp every second of it,
And love and enjoy,
Treasure your relationships.
Family is a blessing,
Savour it.
27/4/2022

I’m just tired. Tired of being broken. Tired of being forgotten. Tired of being used. Tired of feeling lost. TIred of being nothing. Tired of fighting myself to eat. Tired of feeling empty. Tired of feeling alone. Tired of Tired of doing everything for everyone; But getting nothing in return. Tired of being pulled back into this dark place. I’m just tired. Tired of crying.. Tired of breathing.. I’m just so tired..