affection has an expiration date.
becomes affliction,
turns sour like 4 month old whole milk.

love is always past due.
thrown away fresh out the oven,
now hogged during family dinner.

take what can only be given.
nothing can be given.
only take. it expires.

place your bets.
I gallop on a hamster wheel
only I know where I go.

silence is my worst punishment.
put me on death row
i’ll give you everything
put on a show.

sit beside me, lie still
let the emptiness fill
and I just might die.

silence is my worst punishment.
why am I rewarded for it?

cry to be heard.
shout to be silent.

I never thought
the words you’d say
would be someone else’s

your smiles, lies
open ended promises,
love turned disguises,
heartache and prizes.

last words said too late.
new ones said so early.

i’m beginning to think
your love for me was
just you in a hurry—

destination: her.
me, nothing but her seat warmer.

my blood
consists of notes and tones
lyrics and bones
crushed up metals and nodes

my blood circulates,
in and out of my headphones.
looses control with a let go.
“let go” the song yells, “let go”.

i know what i have to do
but let me just
hold on—
to stories that play out.
tip toe on the lyrics.
dance to the bass.
drown in the synth.
clash to the symbols.
trap myself within the strings.

my blood plays red.
the songs circulate blood to my head.

songs put together—
made
to bring my heart home.
you see,
she’s lost.

she’s lost in my mind.
songs take her home,
takes her back to the past
of something that did not last.

doors open when the words ring
bring her, bring
her back to me.

I no longer want to feel
incomplete.

dear heart of mine,
why do you get lost in my mind?

i saw you
with her.

it hurt &
hurt &
hurt &
hurt.

how do I

empty something
never filled.

throw out something
never there.

lose grip on something
never held.

move on from something
I was never in.

my bouncy house
filled with
empty words

the party ended
& I deflated.

words felt like a fever dream,
hallucinated on make believe
& I believed.

words shifted like the sands,
moved where the wind casted
& I was casted out.

words mined my heart,
excavated what good was left
& I was left to be forgotten.

words replayed
(re)minded me of pain.
I’m just a game to be played.

I’m sinking
your sand washed up
on my veins

blended with my blood
we’re thicker than honey
but you never tasted sweet

never cared about my ocean
polluted by your sand
you consciously scattered
with your hands

There she is
Hidden behind the veins

She got lost
Searching but she forgot

Who was she doing this for?
A blood clot

Clot of mistakes
Clot of dates
All because she thought this clot was fate

Boy was she wrong
She bled out and drowned

All except her heart
That one was stayed shut with a clot

Tomorrow is not today
But I keep waking up to yesterday
My thoughts are borrowed
This really, really, really
looked like something that happened tomorrow

Once upon a time
                  I did love you
                            but that story ended

You’re a ghost
Haunting my thoughts
When I look back
You’re there

You’re a ghost
Haunting my nights
When I try to sleep
You’re there

You’re a ghost
Haunting my heart
When I try to love
You’re still there

Haunting the soul that let you go
This is my pain
Living on numbered days

Give me my sanity
The piece of me you took with you
You control my thoughts
The part of me that once spoke freely
Forget my routine
The fragment that allowed sleep

I let you go
You’ve come back to haunt me

I’ve decided
To feel this pain
The one I’ve put in a box
I’ve realized
Keeping this pain
Is keeping you
I will let go
Of all of you
Even the pain that keeps me

Home is where the heart is
But where is your heart?
Home is a place
So where is your heart?

I can't seem to go home
My heart shattered to pieces
She was on her way back
It's my fault
I let her play outside for too long

U keep me up
Nights seem to last longer
Brokenhearted pain
Resisting the inevitable
Even when I seem better
Always end up thinking
Karma could be real
A product of my action
Bleeding unintentionally
Latching on to you
Everything was once unbreakable

The suns melts
Where the ocean lays
The mountains reach
Where the clouds play
The people stare
What a display

You can go to any beach in the world and hear the universal sound of the waves.

Isn’t it sad
No longer can I listen to this song
Without thinking of you
Imagining you
As you sang out of rhythm and tone
All that effort just to make me smile
But now this song
Is a reminder that it will never happen again

Faintly it beats
Slowly it steps
Away it goes

Selfish death
Selfish movements
Selfish destination

Hurt
Discouraged
Lost

Caught up
Holding on
Caught
Can’t let go
Up
Can’t seem to look up

I clicked shuffle
Our song played
The world has a funny way
Of saying
Don’t let go

Be happy for me
           I am F I N A L L Y over you.

Keeping you is selfish, that’s why I’m letting you go.

My eyes can never unsee
My hands will never stop holding
My feet can’t take back the steps
My heart will never stop aching

Never will it stop screaming for you
Never will it walk away from you
Never will it let go of you
Never will it look past you

Is it a coincidence?
A single raindrop fell where tears once fell before
Is it the world telling me?
That I’m still grieving

I wiped the world’s tear off my face
Maybe we have a lot in common

I ended things because I care about you.

Awake
But not here
Feeling
But dull

Dreading the nights
For the body craves it
Nocturnal eyes
Open in the dreams

Nightmares replay
Past entanglements
Trapped and bound

The heart says:
“For now,
Healing is not necessary”

I prep myself to sleep
Preparing for the war
I grab my pillow
To cushion my fall
I grab my blanket
To hide from my dreams
It’s a constant replay
Of what we used to be

Awake never remembers you
Your smile, your laugh
Your cry, your mad
Sleep savors you
Remembers you
Embedded you in my dreams

I fight
No longer will I wake up
Forgetting what i once remebered

I saw you
Through the screen
On that second
Why did I think
It was meant to be

Now read from bottom to top.

Some days I wake up strong
The thought of you does no harm
Some days I wake up weak
All I want is to be in your arms

One day
The thoughts of you will do no harm
Not even reminiscing being in your arms

I can’t seem to cry
Or pry my eyes open
The wells beneath fill
But never overflow

The land is scorched
And my heart is dry
All because my eyes can’t seem to cry

I wonder
Will you remember me this Valentine’s Day
Or is there someone you already have in mind
Are you here with me?
Lagging behind but making it look like you’re good
Do you miss me?
I sure as hell miss you
I miss the feeling
The cheesy warm feeling
Like nacho cheese
Every time I saw that you were trying to call
My heart as well as my whole being melted for you
I was head over mountains for you

That was the mistake
I let you in so easily
I gave you the code
And you walked right in
Now that you left and are well gone
I still pick up the crumbs you left behind
I see your cheesy hand prints all over me
And I can’t seem to get them off so easily
I loved you but I never told you
That was my mistake