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  Jan 2018 Benji James
Sherry Juliet
i woke up this morning and felt nothing
my anxiety was gone
my sadness was gone
my pain was gone
my happiness was gone
my excitement was gone
my joy was gone

i went about my day
just a typical day
smiled, laughed, worked, came home
my boyfriend asked how i was
same answer as usual; fine

my eyes tired
my mind numb
no energy for emotion
no explanation or reason

so I will go to bed
and feel nothing
  Jan 2018 Benji James
Sherry Juliet
and then there are nights
when I just feel like ****
useless, stupid, petty
I get jealous over the stupidest things
then I get angry at my anxiety
but what if it's not anxiety?

I'm so ugly
I have acne
I don't party
I'm not an exciting or fun time
I study too much
why would you love me?

no, stop,  you idiot
he cares so much about you
he'd do anything for you
stop belittling him
...but what if he gets bored?

It's during these nights
that I don't talk a lot
you wonder if I hate you
you worry I might break up with you

baby I love you so much
I just sometimes wonder
how do you love me?
I can't even love myself
  Jan 2018 Benji James
Selcæiös
It’s not always as bad
As people make it out to be
It’s something that can fuel a human
to cast a unique outlook on life
or cause unimaginable misery

Most are ignorantly clueless
A very few have an expertise
Many cast a negative tone upon it
But some may sense creativity

Those curious few learn to control it
Honing in to the repulsive chaos
Taming it and reigning it in
Dominating the scene
A few may learn to enjoy it, like me

When you know how to use it
It can go a long way
You can spread it out over time
Or use it all in one day

It’s madness, it is
Humanity’s default death spell
Whether it’s markings on wrists
Or they’re a failure to tell

Just varying side effects
Of an attempt to control
But should never be labeled as failure
But it should be seen as battle scars from hell’s toll

Maybe it’s their only friend
Maybe it’s all they know
Maybe they live an abuse-infused life
Maybe they don’t have a home

So before you call someone out
Sure, you may feel great playing along
But be aware
It soon becomes an uncontrolled laughing stalk

And they'll probably just agree
They might smile and laugh,
They might run outside and cry
So the world will never understand how mad they are inside

The day will come,
When blood shows as clear as a diamond
And you understand then and there,
You can **** with just words, no fighting.
in dedication of my late life-long friend
  Jan 2018 Benji James
Evie
i pull my veins by compulsion
one by one
and my audience for some reason loves to watch that
they dont care if it gets messy
red dripping blood on their clothing
it smells too
it has a taste too
but they have no tongues to taste
they have no eyes to see
no hearts to feel
nothing
they are not even human
right now im with them
in the blank space
the large unknown place
have you seen such a shade of black
black has no shades
or maybe it does
this is definately a dark dark black
i cannot see but no get it
I DO see them i DO feel them i know they are here with me
they are my parents my friends my lovers my people
but they hate me they hate my heart they hate my soul they hate my mind they HATE ME
but they sure as hell love my acting
especially when it bleeds
and when it leaves me just as empty as the fridge of an emotional eater.
why do i always write when im waiting on the bus station
  Jan 2018 Benji James
Amanda Kay Burke
You should stay away from me,
Don't let me too close to your heart,
I don't know why but everything,
I love ends up falling apart.
How I am feeling at this moment. Thoughts anyone?
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