Trust is a limited currency
For those who have wronged us,
And the wall subconsciously built
In a day, can only be taken a part
Brick by brick,

But those who speak
For the force unheard,
Only proven to exist in a feeling
Or in the passed down book,
I think, are given too much credit.

Speaking for that which cannot speak for itself
Inherently is wrong, yet these priests
We give our trust
Despite the controversy
They always bring up

Speaking for not the god
That those sitting there
Came to hear about,
But speaking for those
There sitting.

Swaying and advising
The path they take and what direction
And nodding heads,
And right hands pointed to the sky
Tell you nobody pays much attention.

For a priest
Who preaches abstinence
And practices excess
On the underaged sons,
Open your eyes.

That stage shouldn’t be upheld
By one who sways people
Against one another,
But with the bible in the right context,
Anything could be directed towards anyone.

Limit your currency of trust
For those who prove
They deserve it,
The church can heal,
But my, oh my, can the pasture bleat.

This carving knife
Tears skin
Like plucking threads;
The pain of the mind
Let out
Through physical response,
Immeasurable.
A tear,
A grain of sand,
Time ticks
Present to past.
It’s an awful state
To survive
In such a way;
Not even living,
Just pulling through
On a razor blade
To appease the nightmare—
The shadow;
What an awful presence.

The knife I take down my throat
To vindicate my thoughts
Of ruinous infection,
Deceives all sensation,
All thoughts, and ceases
To exist myself,
Until the blade conceals,
And the only tell
Of even its unsheathing
Is that of the daylight
Pouring in through
Windows of which
I had forgotten,
To strike the flower
I left out alone in the open.

The scent of the previous day
Made aware though permeation
From the bottles
Left open
To fill the air
With their intention,
But lit candles
Will once again
Flush the awful realization,
As the day sheds colors
To the night,
And when the music hits,
And the temperament
Fills veins with built and bottled-up
Stresses, the candles will smell great
As the chaser takes away the sting
From the blade,
And the flower, unconcealed,
Let without any pressures
Or internal guilt,
Finally able to be myself,
If only for one more night.

The song weaves me apart
To appease the tension
In my heart
Before taking strings
And sewing me back together
I will cry from the tension release
And cry more when the song is over
Leaving tear trails
From my eyes
That soak and run
Between my fingers
Like rivers down
Down my forearms
But I'll be okay
When the song is over
I'll be okay
When the lyrics speak to me
As them I could have written
I have a relationship with music, you see
One that you could never understand.

It's a struggle
I understand---
The point is lost
When comfort
Of the bed takes over,
But failing
The challenge twice
In a week
Is noteworthy.

The point cannot get across
If it's all but a car
With flat tires,
For this road has no time
For brakes to depress,
And we knew that stepping in,

But surely we can do better
To not deplete the message
Of wasting any moments
Than the example we've set.
Laziness is no longer an excuse,
It's a mindset;
Don't let it breach the line
Of permanence.

Calm is the storm when you’re away
Dreaming I’m sure of what I’m thinking,
And what desires I crave.
There’s a creature lurking behind the treeline
Of the distant forest, and a part of me
Yearns to adventure there
To see what ways it’ll have me.

A cage unlocked by undone straps,
Button, zipper, and tied laces,
And torn clothes from impulsive thirst
For more skin to be shown,
I know you crave it.

The bark will make its mark
As torn skin likewise will against it,
Follow me to the treeline,
Where none but the feral dare go,
To have their way
As the domesticated
Run for suburbia.

There’s nothing to fear
If your beast fights as mine,
For where’s the fun in vanilla,
When red is such a pretty color,
You don’t need to be careful with me,
Show me what you’re made of.

Tonight, let’s be the new urban legend,
And dismiss the thoughts of making it out alive
Or letting the sunrise save us from our fate.

One could might hypothesize
That the tears would have
Drained more than
The veins drawing out
Of the confines of the muscle
Pumping sweltering anger
On such a transportation
Of creating a new home
Out of one recognized for three years.

The stacks upon stacks
Of emotional drainage
After the physical had worn out
From problem after inconvenience
After incompetency.
A departure I wrote an outline for
Before I stood at the border
Of goodbyes,
I quickly threw out.

The itch and discomfort,
The aching and drainage
The constant questions in my mind
Throughout the entire time
Divorced me from the clouds
That I foresaw above us
Hugging goodbyes.
The storm was in the lies
That made me hurt
To see such discomfort in your eyes.

Here’s to the storm’s dispersion,
No good deed can split the coming tidal wave.

Laying beside
Direction the same
Aligned against
Hands on your stomach
Staring at the black threads
That streak down
Never out of place
I memorize each thread
Questioning if you even
Recognize me
After gazing at the wall for so long
Almost lifeless
But laying alone, myself,
I'd rather be buried.

It kills me knowing
You're away in your head
Not present to feel
The touch of my fingertips
Or the silent breathing
Against skin

I lay in wishing
With each breath
That you'll remember me
Longer than the next morning
I lay in hope
That when you face me
You won't tire of what you see.

I lay in desperation
And in fear
Of losing you
With ourselves sitting,
Watching
These eyes and heart
Fading away
Less than an arm's reach
From the desired dream
Less than an arm's reach
When I'll lose you

And I'll be cast
Into detriment
Soaked in self-loathing
Screaming internally
At my mistakes.

So long, old friend.
The way has lit a path
To new places,
But the bruises we have shared
And patched together
Through the years
Will not be forgotten.

I miss you
And I’ll be missing you
Old friend.
For the clock ticks
Us forever apart
No matter how close
And yet, still,
I know you’re there for me.

Brothers we are
You and I,
Old friend,
And I wish you
The very best in life
As you’ve made mine
Worthy of smiling back on.

And looking forever before my sight
Will I be in waiting
Of our next meeting.
For the way has lit a path
To new places;

So long, old friend.

I don’t know my right from my left,
And tomorrow is the first day
Of the rest of my life
Is what everyone tells me.

Are they living in a separate reality than I?
Or are they all just pretending
That the sky isn’t overcast,
And the sun shines brightly?

My heart has a migraine,
And it’s been this way since yesterday:
The last day of the beginning
Of my life.

The forecast tells that the weather
Will remain unchanging
Until I finally get out of bed,
But I can’t bear to see another wasted day.

My heart has a migraine,
And now I might know my right from my left,
But time remains restless,
While I continue letting drain the hourglass—

Will I ever get out of bed?

I miss your eyes on me,
And I can’t sleep,
Your voice in my head,
Unable to think,
The mist and the tears,
I can’t decipher between;
And another glass sits empty.

I’m blank of meaning
Without any ideas to say,
Just tell me if I’ve been pushed
From your mind already
Because the silence
Has taken me to an asylum,

And when I yell to the breeze against my face
Barely alive and disregarding speed limits,
I wonder if the lyrics I speak
Tear you to pieces
As they do me,
Since they speak truth better than my own.

When did you forget me?
It’s degrading to only know
By feeling,
And not by telling.
I can taste the sulfur
In the air tonight.

Why didn’t you warn me?

Invisibility is a cliché wish,
But a night spent staring at the ceiling
Or the wall
With the feeling of existence
Washed to the minimum
By consumption,
Creates a similar feeling
Of invisibility to the senses.

I wish not for invisibility,
I wish to be your ghost
For exclusively your eyes
To witness me
As a shooting star
Scratches the sky
Leaving no trail
For those who missed it.
I hope I don’t miss
The trail of the gentle scratch
You leave in your last touch,
Letting this fleeting moment pass
Without recognition until lost.

If you spend forever in a single moment,
It’s not just a moment anymore,
For if you lose sight of me,
I'll erode away in the river
That you'll toss me in.
Emergence to accept defeat
That I let such a moment
Dissipate to become a lifetime
Of regret is the pressure point
In my mind regarding you.
Losing you now would be unforgivable,
Don’t let me go.

It’s not what you deserve
Hardly even anything at all
But I can’t bear to look at another missed day

Out of dust we are,
Which answers the question
Of why I love the rain,
Skin run along like sandpaper,
Scratching and mostly unpleasant
I have been made in the rough
And the rough I have become
But when the scent of rain comes
I can’t help but let myself
Become soft to its touch.

Run along to make the feeling
Of my skin more pleasant
But why does it stop so suddenly?
A month straight of rain
And no sun
Then all gone in an instant
Letting the skin I let get soft
Crack and bleed
From the lack of your touch.
Where did it go?
Who thought it was okay
To tell someone you loved them the day before,
So they woke up the next
Blocked.

Clear
Deceit
Knowing
Life is noise
And the static
Breaks the silence
When thoughts emerge
With violence turning their heads
Are we made to just burn on our knees for the king?
It’s time to stand on our own cliff
Away from their wealth
Embrace the static
Invite silence
Noise is life
Until We
All Fall
Slowly

Lost in your head for part of the day
I'm friends with all your voices
And they all have nice things to say
But how'd you get so broken into this
5 people in one mind
But they all call themselves mine
And every day for just a few moments
Every voice comes into sync
And I hear every part of you
With all 5 voices
Tell me you love me

Memories plant the ability to look backwards on one’s reality
So that they may change
And realize what was worth the pain
And what was only a mistake.

Although wishing for amnesia
Makes for a painful breakup song
I doubt anyone would truly
Wish for something so cruel.

Self awareness revoked
Just sitting in a chair
Not even conscious
While staring at whatever lies right in front

Not understanding why people hug you
And why they're crying
Not understanding what
Crying even is

As the mumbles
Incomprehensible
Escape from chapped lips
And dire eyes

I wonder if you’d even know of your end.

Will I go out like the sun
Yellow, orange, red, and pink
Burning until the end?
Or will I be like the moon
And quietly let the coming light
erase me from the sky?

A descriptive word
I not often would present
To myself
Has been cast in blindness
By the spotlight

The curtain distorts
The intentions
Of even my own
Acknowledgment

Dwelling at my reflection in the water
When ripples form
At another coin I toss
Wishing

Wishing at a well
Instead of planning,
Because planning
Makes the dream real,
And I’m afraid of reality.

I could spend my whole life
Staring into my reflection
Debating on what I'm worthy of wishing,
Instead of not letting those thoughts
Take over my mind
Fidgeting with coins between my fingers
Before I inevitably let flick,
Instead of pretending I believe in myself
And take a chance on something.

Why would I rather
Be alone
Than run into
Your open arms
Waiting for me?

What things are so important
That I cannot just turn away
So easily?
Doing nothing
Instead of loving.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Click a button
Watch the numbers climb
Even if it means nothing
The feeling is sublime

Purity

Clear water without a hint of discoloring
Free from anything however small floating inside
What is the purity of your kindness
Can goodness be tainted?
Although the outcome is wholesome
Do motivations lessen the good of goodness?

Selfish "Good"

How good is goodness
If goodness is conditional?
If all the good I ever do
Is to get something back
If I neglect those with nothing to offer
And bargain with those who'll do anything for help?
A desperate cry to my ears sounds the same
As coins clinking while they form a pile
As the shuffling of bills
With every "good" deed
My heart races as the weight of debts owed to me grows

Obligatory Goodness

When the pure water of a good act
Is used to put out eternal fire
Done not because I love you
But to appease my angry master
Under threat of hell, how can my motivation remain pure?
If good people is what the master wants
Why even muddy the waters with goodness under threat?
Unless it's not about good people
But about having people that can be controlled
Monopolizing on man's fear of the unknown
To create slaves that will shackle themselves
For the illusion of safety
And to be free of the burden of thinking

The Good Face

How good are good acts
Done merely to preserve an image?
To stay in people's good favors?
To be praised for your selflessness?
Like the good that asks for something in return
And the one that comes from fear
If being good was not rewarded
Would you still seek it out?
You can't help if people praise you
For doing what anyone should
But you can help if that's what drives you
If you save all your goodness for the spotlight

For Goodness Sake

I saw you hurting
Your face was not that of a stranger's
Because although I've never met you
I know you.
You're me, if all our circumstances switched
I'm just as human as you
There are no main characters here
It only feels that way because ours are the only thoughts we hear
But you're no different than me.
We're all only people
But I have the ability to help
And so I will.
I don't need to be seen
I don't need you to repay me
I'm not afraid of any religion's hells
I just have compassion for you, fellow human.
Unconditional love is the heart of pure goodness
The heart of goodness for goodness sake.

The plastic bag rolls against the wind
Once again, to let the sun glisten
Those brunette curls as the wind takes them
As they swim through the air,
Right into my arms,
With those watering eyes
And trembling lips
I simply cannot resist.
For once again,
Another has broken you,
And once again, I’ll prove
That men aren’t all bad.
Without you I drink the thought of you away,
And with you, I drink the red flags away
That cloud my vision
With warning signs.

It almost seems too easy
My sympathy already being taken advantage of
Yet knowing this, I wring out enough trust
From my cloth of chances
That you’ve let be used up.
You’re nothing but a snake
And my emotions are contained
Like a paperback novel
In the rain;
My heart is breaking
Feeling the pounding of yours
Knowing yours has been working fine,
While my shaking
Is not from the weather
Nor the tearing inside,
For I know that this plastic bag
Will drift away once again
When the wind breathes just right
And another bystander of yours walks by,

But you’ll leave a memory
On my table
For the last time,
And the plastic bag you left,
Will be the last sound
I hear,
After liquid courage rivets
My sensible nature into a cage,
And I hear it rustle
As the leaves did
When first you entranced me
With my inhales forced inaudible
Just as forced audible
They were laying in the grass
And I’ll play that image
In my head
Of the first moment I felt alive,
Until I fade out, lay still,
Never to breathe out again.

How could it be possible
A decision so small
To text some random stranger
Would lead to finding my all
We're only two in billions
And not even ones close by
But now you're the only one I think about
What I see behind closed eyes
I don't believe in miracles
You don't believe in fate
We just got so **** lucky
But luck is all it takes

First fascinated strangers
Then we became new friends
Then bonding brought us closer
But it all started with hitting send
Fondness turned to attraction
And that would normally be the end
But there was so much more ahead for us
That I never imagined before hitting send

Things changed when I first read "I love you"
But I won't pretend it was a fairytale
We're both far from perfect people
But the truth in that statement prevailed
I've done my best to put my amazement
At how we got here into words
But the feelings are too great
Too complex for patchwork rhymes
Perhaps even with no rules
With words wielded freely
I still could not do it justice
But it's worth it to me to try

I love you too.
It's hard to believe I've had the honor
Of calling myself yours for 6 months now
Especially considering how simply it all started
But now you're my best friend
And I want to tell you about every unimportant thing
As much as I want to hear about all of your uneventful days
And I want to share the ones that mean more
With only you
Because you make the best of life even better
And the worst of it not so bad
I'm so glad I have you
Happy 6 months, darling.

From clouds above,
High and massive
Things are falling
On vast green plains
And dry deserts shaded yellow and orange.
For some, the falling brings smells
Of cleansing and new life,
And fresh new mornings filled with opportunity,
But for others the falling brings only
The stench of destruction
Of environments and lives.

The rain immerses one in a state
Of taking the long cold streaks
For granted, as it’s just another inconvenience
To the already somber day.
Rainbows are dreams
Hidden behind closed eyes
Of those forgotten,
Whose existence consists of turbulence
And tremors.

Resting minds are forced awake
Elsewhere tired eyes stare out windows,
Anxiety filling them both,
As the thunder rolls in ever closer
Until it is at last upon them.
An all encompassing roar
That some believe to be directed by gods,
And some to be brought by man themselves.

As one looks out,
Gazing on the horizon,
The sun lighting the sky in an orange haze,
While the rain, gives off a haze of its own
When it strikes the ground,
Leaving a growing terror
On a face,
As the baleful sound
Steadily approaches,
From the rolling thunder.

April showers conjure memories for some
Of time spent in the comfort of a warm bed
While raindrops pour steadily outside the window
And of running through the grass
As a carefree child
Until a flash of lightning and a roll of thunder
Send them running excitedly to the safety of home
But it’s because of no small privilege
They are able to think this way
Showers are not the same only half a world away

Usually seconds are counted after the sound,
To tell the distance,
But the distance is closed
In an instant,
With the barrage of shells,
And the shock of thousands
As their mouths open wide
With no audible sound
From the crushing wave
Of the falling rain.
Run or hide,
Both choices
Are alike in the outcome,
Only apart by placement.

Across the world a child that’s different,
Only because of where they were born,
Is hiding under covers,
In a country that’s been torn;
The thunder doesn’t scare them
Simply because it’s loud,
But because it’s not lightning that causes the sound
And it came from a drone, not a cloud
While one splashes in puddles happily
Without a care in the world
The other lives with seeing many they know
In pools of their own blood

Rain, oh rain, go away

A long time is becoming
Sooner than the grasp of its coming
Once, i could take the drive
Without specifying what time
Until a message would be sent
At only a moment’s notice
In warning of my arrival
Not asking permission
Simply stating i’d be there soon.

Once, the coffe shops defined our friendship
As we sat and spent those thoughts
That would otherwise swirl in rumination
Locked inside the mind only for another
Sleepless, endless night,
But we spent those thoughts on eachother
Digging a deeper hole of understanding;
There’s something about them
That I can’t help but miss.

Once, Drinking felt more healthy than it should have
When it wore down the wall so that all was left
Was the genuine heart breathing in our chest
So many moments
Oh, so many memories that defined us, inseparable
My brother of which i share no blood relation
But the bond formed won’t be shattered
By the miles away you ventured;
We’ve still miles to go.

Shades of green, brown, yellow, orange
The death fall brings is beautiful withering
But winter's soft white blankets
Replace that beauty with monotone
And make the air too cold for moving
It freezes the soul
To be trapped inside walls
And only see only white under an infinite grey sky
I struggle to feel or want anything
But to exist for the purpose of staying warm
Until spring's promise is followed through
And the earth's plants thirsting for water and starving for sun
Emerge from melted snow to usher in warmth and color again.

A deep embrace
Into the arms
You withdraw
Changes my soul
To a tinge
Cataclysmic,
While remaining the muse
For all my best work
Just to tantalize
How deep the abyss steals
From my paper-thin
Mask unable
To hide the intake
Of your second hand smoke
Taunting with every
Exhale against my lips.

So steal another,
But one without rhymes
Because the road
You dragged me along
With the noose
You tied, yourself,
Is one I travel
Often,
And find myself a smile
Held back
From a road I gave too much credit
For my shadow,
As the driver
I let loose,
But now my eyes
Stare on the other end
Of the bars you left me
To cower alone.

For now, I flaunt the scar
Of the noose you gave
And the tearing of my back
When you dragged me along,
And think about
Whether or not
An epiphany
Will find you
Acknowledging the mistakes
Within the grave, hidden
That you continue digging,
For you’re already six feet deep,
Yet you keep going.
You don’t get to be my muse
Any longer;
Your eyes have hidden
The retraction
Of your sins,
When will they boil over?

Just because your team ***** this year,
Doesn’t mean you’ll shift your support,
You’ll defend them as you would yourself,
As though your life depends on the opinion.

It's like the turning of a faucet
If you stay in the hot too long you'll boil your hand
If you stay in the cold you'll freeze
Are you going to move before you get punished
Or are you going to stick with your team?

Justified in your opinion
As you won the game,
You’ll shoot the opposition down
Claiming “fake news” as a bleat
That only adds irony
To your flock of sheep.

But don’t get me wrong:
The other side bleats just as loud,
With the wavering cries
And nights spent in paranoia,
After calling out at the other side,
You’re just as bad.

Address your strengths together,
Understand each other’s weaknesses
And prejudices to stop the fire from spreading,
Because spending every four years undoing
What the other side has done
Leads on a winding path to nowhere.

It's like the turning of a faucet, I said,
A faucet of denying that both sides
Have gone much too far.
Turn on the other side,
To combine both,
Or we’ll only ever exist in fire-hot or freezing-cold.

For all the effort that goes into them.
Dreams and games fail to replicate reality.
I've been able to let myself become immersed,
Totally enveloped in artificial worlds,
But a simple mistake can be a thread,
That undoes the entire tapestry.
I'm forced from the illusion,
Back into reality.
But lately some things don't make sense,
And real has never felt more fake.
I can't help myself from wondering,
Is there something else waiting if I pull this thread?

Your grace is wasted on a ******* like me
I can’t accept your forgiveness
Because I haven’t forgiven myself
Don’t make it look so easy
No need to walk the higher ground
I can see you ready to take a fall
The hate that’s hidden is weighing you down
Don’t spare me the rod
And let your bitterness sit and fester
Give me what I deserve
Some say I’m gonna burn for all I've done
And I don’t believe there’s anyone to follow through
But sometimes I wish they were right
An eternity of suffering might be enough
To fill this *******’s bottomless well of self-loathing

The sauce of life is edible;

Fuggin dig in.

Can I keep doing this?
Pushing on uninspired every day..
Creating things I hate
Not because of what they are
But because I had to make them
It's a shame, because you could've been loved
if I'd have loved you when I made you
But even the gentle stream
Destroys the bolder with time.

Is there something wrong with me,
For feeling like I do?
With so many beautiful eyes around me,
I only want to be seen by you.
You have doubts cause there are others closer,
But I only want to be held by you.
I was doing fine alone,
But now I can hardly breathe without you.

There are thirteen hours between us,
After the sun sets you begin your day,
But I miss sleep just to talk to you,
And then rest easy knowing you're okay.
Is it okay to fall this hard?
To feel as if nothing else matters..
To throw my heart to you across the world,
Knowing if you don't catch it, it will shatter.

I can't stop myself from trusting you though,
Because everything's so much better,
When I let all my walls down and love,
Your love warms me like a sweater.
I hold on to hope that I'll be with you someday,
Doing all we hoped we'd do,
I believe if I keep holding on,
There's no way you won't come through.

I know there's nothing wrong with me,
I'm just learning how to trust.
You've given me something to believe in,
After so many promises crumbled to dust.
I won't feel guilty for trusting you,
As long as your love is guaranteed,
Because a life with you is worth the risk,
Darling, you are all I need.

I depend on you
You depend on me
They depend on us
We depend on them
One goal
Every hand building
Equal parts of the ladder
Know your position
Take pride in your tasks
Together we will do
What none of us could do as one

Everywhere I look tonight
Somebody in pain
Somebody trying to run away
Somebody just wanting to be touched
Somebody just wanting to be seen

Take a pill
Make the pain go away
Take a drag of this
Let the memories slip away
In the clouds of smoke
Take a sip of this
Numb the feelings I can’t deal with
Dance until I drop
Fake it til I make it
Go talk to them
A warm body melts the loneliness away
Turn the music up
So I don’t have to hear my thoughts.

A season groups together months
Like days into weeks,
And forgotten in the sands of time
Rests the first month,
Nameless,
Because of my oblivion
In regard to the reel of time
Of fishing line
Steadily pulling out,
As the great trespasser
Ripples my water.

Fitting that the first month
Joins the dead of winter,
Since it will be the last time
I lay my eyes
On the untouched
Ice crystalline ground;
It’s sad coming to acknowledge
That in preaching of not taking for granted
Even a second,
I myself am ripe with hypocrisy
As I took for granted such a sight.

I’m a steady ripple
Heading straight for the shores
To be stranded,
For time’s turning
Of the wheel
Is unchanged
As my destination
Approaches
More rapidly than I’m prepared
To undertake,
And nobody can save me now.

It just struck me as odd
Since we sleep to regain energy
To do the things we need to
The next time the sun rises

But what do we rest in peace for
I think it’s a different kind of sleep
My matter dissipates in the dirt
And awakes to live in the roots
Of all the trees that gave me shade
And the flowers that defined beauty

The only better place I’m going
Is the world beneath your feet.

Why am I trying to catch this light,
When it runs away
Just as the last.

Why can't I understand,
That to touch it
Is impossible once passed?

But it's beauty I am left
Entranced, wishing for it
To hold in my hands,

But trying is a frailty better left
In the bottomless pit
I found it in.

For the fly cannot be caught,
Only forgotten to be left alone,
Or swatted after the annoyance.

The light cast before me,
Was not a light,
Just another caught up in their own image,

Gathering a flock of bleating men
Who would swear, each of them,
That the light chose them.

A light only passing by to turn heads,
Is a light better left forsaken,
Never to be admired again.

This game I will not play,
But no worries, little cruelty,
Beyond me await many more to ensnare.

I’m counting the hints I’ve missed
Over again on my fingers
And in my head,
Making excuse after excuse
To give doubt the benefit,
But this smile
Has taken its toll
On my lips
And my eyes
After three nights
Grow a shade beneath them
To define restless.

I can't pretend much longer,
And I keep thinking
Of all the things I should have said,
And what I should have refrained from,
But I can tell by the silence
That soon the hint will be so obvious,
That I couldn't possibly mistake it.

I get star-struck too fast,
Lost in awe
Before the supernova takes life
From my world once again;
I'm jealous of those you'll see instead—
I'm jealous of the silence they spend
Lost in your eyes
While I'm stuck with the quiet,
Holding the pillow next to me
As though it could feel
This soft, slow caress;

Am I already dead?

A cold abrasion
Numbing as quickly
As the words outpouring
Making raw a mind
Knowing no different
Than to accept
And try to live with
The disappointment
Of oneself.

Havoc raining as a wave
Twice as tall
Allowing no escape
But to watch
As the trauma unfolds
And the words
Spoken out of hate
Branded on my brain
As a reminder
Of being unworthy.

A blank canvas
Unknowing
To the wide staring eyes
Bruised beneath
The blank canvas veil
That is the shell
Of skin,
More alien on this body
The more photo albums
A mind fills with memories.

Could I really be
The monster
Of which
She speaks?

Deleting
Is the only option
To escape the toil
Of counting fingers
And reading
Truths and falsehoods
To conclude
Innocence or guilt
In my adolescence.

Silence is a grave
That one finds comfort in
When these walls
Are so used to ringing ears
From the storm
That only lasts seconds
But lingers
In the gilded silence
As the mind speaks
Above the bloodflow
When all one can do
Is plug ears
With fingertips
In order to live with oneself

Retaliation lies beneath
The bleeding
Now only visible
If friends are let close
To see
As the heart
Tears threads
That have been sewn
To restrict emotion
Loosening the seal
On the demon cradled within

A furnace
Are thrown the old photo albums
But in turn are the recents
As a block in the mind
Has been created
To forget
Because nothing is worth remembering
During a childhood
Of only knowing
The names
And the fear
Of what you are,
And after such a block has been made
Remembrance
Is no longer
A thread
Sewn in
To allow an escape.

There exists a room,
Without windows,
Only walls;
It doesn’t matter how many
But it’s dark,
And feet are chained to the floor.

This room exists in everyone,
But some choose to stay closed off—
Choose to stay forgotten.

The bottle swells with pressure,
For as long as one
Could possibly contain it,
But pressure, no matter of what origin
Always leads
To an explosion,
And so explode one will,
In a cataclysm of tears,
And aching.

Each time the pressure
Lets itself break the cap,
The level rises,
And the loss
Starts at the first moment
Because the cap
Gets looser
With every time it breaks,

Until the rain from the eyes
Is covered
By the water rising,
And your vision might have
Gotten used to the dark,
But the effervescence
Of your exhales
Has blinded you,
As I’m sure you didn’t notice
How far the level had risen,

And those eyes
Never let be seen
By another pair,
Or by the sunset
Surely overtaken
By the despair that
You wouldn’t let them be seen,
But the pulmonary edema
You face has been made
By your own brokenness

Why, I must ask, did you lock yourself away?

Empty bags and candy wrappers
Left strewn about
From my last attempt
To fill this feeling
To suppress this anxiety
Only for it to fail
And give birth to a different sickness

The rage I feel when I look in the mirror
The body I was given
And all that I have done to it
I want it to be beautiful
But just can’t keep up with the work
So the burning grows inside
I’ve gotta let it out
And I want it to hurt

There’s no one else to blame
No other half
I’ve just one brain
There is no wicked tempter
Only chemically driven impulse
I only lose my temper on myself
I want to squeeze til there’s no pulse
I want to shatter my mirror
And use the broken pieces
To carve the body I wished to see
When the mirror was whole

You cheated,
And now they come for me.
No questions,
No eye contact,
Just a deep silence
To marinate me
In the guilt
That we missed one,
But you cheated,
And they don’t seem too bothered,
So let's continue stepping forward
Because maybe they won’t notice.

Precious seconds fill the void of time
For every second that goes by
One month has passed
And only eleven more
Before the end.
Do you just sit there
Waiting to be consumed,
Or do you feel life
In every second that passes?
Either way your time is limited.

Are you here?
Are you present in this moment,
Or is the passing of time something that happens to you?
What did you eat for breakfast last monday?
Do you even remember this morning?
Don’t let these precious seconds slip by,
Just because they’re not tied to precious memories.
Because the seconds with the people you love,
And the ones passed in the monotony of the day to day,
Are all the same length,
And each is an equal step forward
To the last second you get to spend.

Wilting is in our nature;
It's a part of existence
But the wilting bud left unbloomed
Leaves no greater waste
Of beautiful minds.
Sprout and let your roots
Plant deep
But let your heart show
That what you keep to yourself,
Doesn’t need to be uprooted
To be shown.
Just because the sky breathes
Winter through the clouds,
Doesn’t mean the sun
Isn’t shining behind them’
Don’t let yourself wilt
Just because the sky gives an excuse.

Existential horror.
The dread of being on a conveyor belt,
Taken somewhere you don’t know,
Your destination far away or around the corner,
With no power to slow down or stop.
Now or later,
We all reach the destination we’re bound for,
So why waste another moment,
Staring blankly down,
In attempts to deny you’re going anywhere?
Look up,
And join us as we face the end with hope.
334 more days.
334 more opportunities to live instead of simply not dying.

Today the breath of life suffocates me
And the poison I poured
Makes me ask
If it is too much.

I feel a shadow in my head
That wants more
A craving
For a taste

Poison used for medicine
To heal by forgetting
And living in present
Without the burden of feeling

What an awful sensation:
The sense of touch;
After holding of another
Is learned,

The body never forgets,
And the only thing
That gives the senses in my skin
Amnesia of touching

Is the poison I pour,
But it’s never enough.

Was it the crook in my neck,
Or the tension in my back
That set me off course
To start the day?

Was it my sore feet,
Or the dust in my lungs
That sparked a thread
Of anger inside me?

Was it, perhaps,
A dream I had forgotten
Before my eyes blinked awake?
I could feel my heart racing…

The stars seem more dull,
The sky, a tinge more grey,
My step with less motivation,
And mind, less patient.

I’m missing something
That I don’t remember now,
But I feel it when the wind
Runs around my neck.

You can see the goosebumps emerge,
And a sigh of relief push out
With a moment of tilting back my head
And eyes closed.

Today, I’m missing something
That I’ve forgotten,
But I miss it now more than ever;
Can I make it stop?

Life was only worth living
With SSRIs in the system
It was only a matter of time
Before I regressed without them
Back to the bottom
Another AllTimeLow
The headaches
The despair
The empty
If I can’t live without you
Do I even deserve to live with you

Was it a glitch?
Or was it a reminder
That the end is coming?
I speak to the stars
To provide answers,
As they have passed on
Inspiration to gaze upon
For years,
But they remain silent
As though they have forgotten me.
Perhaps since I learned my death day
On January 1st,
I lost my ability to live
With the gift
Of new knowledge.

I cheated,
And now feel invisible
As the world
Passes around me.
I’m no longer an obstruction
I’m just a figure
With no shadow,
With only the ability to write,
And post
And fulfill what I promised,
But I fear
What comes after
When yesterday’s
Was written illegible.

The arrival of life
Something new is beginning
Before my very eyes
The world does not try to hide it
I’ll be replaced even before I’m buried
But I do not resent you
I’m not jealous of what I’ll miss
I’ve already lived my lifetime
And that’s all anybody gets.

My body slows
As gravity has it’s way with me
My mind is slowing too
Slowly the neural network is going dark
And with everything slowing down
What does time do?
It races ever faster
Our first day was longer than last week.

The page is turned once again
As a eulogy of winter is recited
While the weather outside steadily
Changes the season
As the sun seems to shift
Towards the North
Until it reaches its maximum height in the sky.

I see the leaves regain life
And flowers sprout from the ground
Blossoming the earth
With new shades.
The Vernal ground develops
As I can see the dirt slowly begin to give
Between my feet
As the ground in which I stand
Has no seasons.
Its nature is unknown
And already it rots at my feet
It’s as though even nature
Has an understanding
That soon is my time to go.

Evolution has chosen jealousy
To be an intrinsic trait for us all
Even at the top of the world,
Novels and songs are written
About how much easier life is
At the bottom of the *****.
Perhaps this is the reason
For the routine poisoning of ourselves
Just for a break from all the monotony
To finally be someone else
If only for an evening.
Drinking and smoking
To celebrate to become
Someone else…
Nobody, in this life, wants to be
themselves.