i saw a woman on a willow tree when i was seven yrs old
and she disappeared into the summer air
am i going to be this way forever
am i going to keep believing in ghosts
i saw a woman on that willow tree
claimed she was an angel of god
eyes cut daggers
was she a ghost or was it in my head?
was she a ghost or was it in my head?
bless my holy sins and suffering
and give me something else to believe in
but leave her ghost to sit on top of that beautiful tree
so when i look up i can still see the empty space she occupied once.
i still believe in ghosts
and i can still feel you in the air
forgive me for my lack of reality
I love you

... and all of Life's questions were set to be answered,  from "Why are we here?" and "Why should we care?"  to "Why don't he love me?" and "What should I wear?" and
                                                        "Wher­e is my father?"  and
                                                   ­                                                    "Can I kiss my daughter?"              and

                                    ­            "What does it matter?"
"Flannel or Mod?"                              and
                          ­                                                                 "What about God?"
                      "Meat on a stick? or Shish Kabob?"
and
                                                            ­                            "Free Will or Fate?"
                                                       and
                        "Do you think of me when you *******?"                                                   and
"Is Santa for real?"
                                                                ­                  and

                                          ­                                                    "What does love feel--"
                                                         ­                                                                 ­              "Like this or like that?"  
                                   "Do I really look fat?"            
                                                   "Do u thnk its gonna b bettr than the 1st one??"     "When Atheists go to court, do they have to swear on the bible?"               "Is it legal to travel down a road in reverse, as long as your following the direction traversed?"                        "Where do u see urselvef in 5 yrs?"
               "what's the most embarrasing thing that has happened to you?"                    "Why are the best looking things the most deadly?""What does i.e. stand for?"            "How do you know when you fall in love?"" If ghosts can float, why do they waste their time walking around?"          
"Why am I still in the bed?"                        "Why would u get pregnant by a dude that doesn't take care of the kids he already have?""Why do ppl Cheat ?"
                 "Did u really love me or u just lied???"                    " whats the point of tryin anymore if u tried so hard in the past and nuttin happened?" "why is the sky blue?"?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
?­?????????????.?????????????????????????????????????????????????
?­??????????.????????????????????????????????????????????????????
?­???????????????.???????????????????????????????????????????????
?­????????????????????.??????????????????????????????????????????
?­?????????????????????????.?????????????????????????????????????
?­?????????????????????????????.?????????????????????????????????
?­??????????????????????????????????.????????????????????????????
?­???????????????????????????????????????.???????????????????????
?­??????????????????????????????????????????.????????????????????
?­????????????????????????????????????????????????.??????????????
?­???????????????????????????????????????????.???????????????????
?­????????????????????????????????????????.??????????????????????
?­????????????????????????????????????????.??????????????????????
?­?????????????????????????????????????????.?????????????????????
?­??????????????????????????????????????????.????????????????????
?­???????????????????????????????????????????.???????????????????
?­???????????????????????????????????????? .
                                                               ­                                 ¿
                              ­                                                                 ­     ?
                                                          ­                                              ¿
                                                                ­                                         ?

                                                                ­                                             ¿

Age old wives' tales,



                                                       ­                                                          ?

                                                      propheci­es,

                                                            ­                                                            

jud­gement day--
                                                           ­                                                                 ­  ¿

                                      The Human Symphony


of doubt and faith,

                                      
                  ­                   with crescendos of hope now played,                              ?



as the moments of our naive darkness


                                                      ­                      Tick
                                      ­                          

                                                               ­                        Tock
                                                            ­                                         slip, slide



&

                  fade



















                     ­                                                                 ­                  




















                          ­                                                                 ­           











                                                     ­                                                            ¿















































                ­                                                            10


­













































                   ­                                        6




































                           ­                                                                 ­ 8


                                  


























­














                                                  ­                                                                 ­      7










                                                     ­                                                                 ­                    ¿

                                                               ­                                                                 ­           ?

                                                               ­                                                                 ­               0

                                                             ­                                                                 ­                      1
The greatest accomplishment of humankind took the stage just                      
                                                                ­                                                                 ­                   
                                             ­                                 past 11:59,  New Years Eve 2099          !
                                                 ­                                             
The first and only of its kind,
    
                                                           ­     
                                                                ­  
                                            
                   ­                                         Born from the Hope and Ingenuity



                                                    ­              of
The Great Recession Generation--
                                                    ­        Whose Change and "Deviation"  gave birth



                                                        ­           to
The Artificial Assimilation Generation--
                                                    ­          Whose Instant Omniscience created




                                                     ­               the
Automation Generation, whose lack of challenge
                                                       ­         Evolved into the Great Stimulation Generation--


                                                    dependent upon emotional simulation
for spiritual mental and human validation.



                                                  ­                    A
Civilization whose foundations were pillars
                                                         ­           





                                                            ­                  0f  



21st Century Dust..............................★★★★★★★★★★★
                   ­                  ★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★
                                     ★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★
                                     ★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★
                                     ★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★
                                     ★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★
★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★          ­ 
★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★
                                   ­  .                                                    
                                     .
                                      .
                       ­                 the perfect shambles of a custom built artificial
                                                      ­                                                                 ­                    life.
Intelligent saturation, automation, assimilitation-- the cries of *******--
                                                  ­                                      nothin' but digital elation!
                                                        ­                                                                 ­             No
                                                 ­                                                                 ­      more
                                                      ­                                                Heroes--
        ­                                                                 ­                              Tears
                                                           ­                                                                 ­of
                                                              ­                                                                 ­    Nero.

                                                                ­                                                                 .

                                                              ­                                                           .
                  
                                                                ­                                                   .

Thursday December 31,  2099                                    
                 23:59:31                                   ­                   A time of ever present
                     ☼   42°                                                              ­                      Knowledge
         Aged 25 years 12 days
           Heart Rate 154 bmp        
           Daily Caloric Intake
            1660.079/1830.15
                Calorie Buffer
                     170.071
         Personal Headlines
"First Artificial and Visceral Intelligence
        To Be Unveiled @ Midnight"

"First we were meat. After, sentient meat. Then self aware meat.
As such, manipulative meat. Adaptive meat. Rotting meat. Limbo Meat.

Then came awareness of spirit.
Freedom from the mortal meat,
Via a mastering of its meaty concepts.

We became one in the same; spirit and meat.
Held mirrors to one another, reflected our dreams.

Shared sense of Being.

Then meat met metal, plastic and graphene--
Testing the infinite ways to give birth to Life.
And we did.

We called our first child Artificial--
afraid for our mortality.
Yet called it intelligent in its ability.

A selfish denial of a miraculous act.

The question was inevitable,

'If knowledge is infinite, and
                                                   intelligence is the capacity to acquire knowledge,
Would we call such a pursuit, of intellectual Life, "Artificial"?'

'If God is infinite, and
                                       Non-visible, non-provable,
Would we call a pursuit for such a source of Life, "Artificial"? In vain?'

'Is this not Life before us existing in the shape of electrically charged plastic? Entities that observe and react to their environment, is that any more artificial than a man?'

Emotion. One word, and the intellectuals were silenced....

Emotion.

Meat knows emotion.
Our meat has been stimulated and shaped by
pain and joy.

Machine knows only causation, not visceral relation.

Visceral. One word, and the intellectuals were aroused.

Visceral.

A machine's viscera lies within its programming, its sense of being.

Meat's viscera lies within its program to survive (food, sexuality), its sense of being.

"If a program can understand environment and its relation to that environment, it may be able to approximate a sensation to a high level of accuracy based on temperature, humidity, and whether or not that environment is detrimental to its functioning hardware, and thereby make a statistical decision as to where to move next.  It may interpret sound as obtrusive or melodic based on input sensitivity. But creating hardware with central parts is counter-intuitive to information flow-- which is of paramount importance, far above form.

However, the nano-sized 'cloud'  hardware used in this new "form", will have sensors by the trillions. Examining its environment-- functioning as One, Creating a field-- a floating specter of the collective human mind. Where its understanding of history is both objective and subjective (given of course the established norm of a non-private society).

The most important factor, is its relation to us... Meat. That comes with empathy, compassion. If it can understand basic weather, terrain, and statistics, it can understand basic human survival challenges and its solutions. If it can hold all of the information past and present, circumstantial factors of old and new, would it not have a more clear perspective of our human state of being? Would it not be our most reflective mirror? Would it not have some visceral answers? Would it not be an awareness of Spirit? Spirit meaning by definition: the principle of conscious life; the specter or trace of existence."

At last the intellectuals gave themselves a centennial deadline. Blood sweat and tears of a generation upon a generation...

'We are calling her Aavi.' they said early in December.
"Artificial and Visceral Intelligence.

So, The World listened...

" A Computer Will Reveal Our Greatest Secrets" were they laymen headlines.

"Artificial and Visceral Intelligence with the Free Will to pursue anything." for the Romantic readers

Either way-- meat or metal-- it comes down
                                                            ­                                        to Choice.
Choice, based upon instinct
                                                        ­                                                          and reason--
Until now an option reserved only for Man.

What will our greatest achievement say about its creator?

                                                       ­                       (feel here for list of  sources)
                                                    ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­     *23:59:50 Countdown

I don't see how u can talk to someone off and on for over2 yrs and follow their every keystroke and see what and who they talk to and listen to them thru the speakers on the computer and if I didn't  cover the camera would be able to see us also.....and then see theyre on a dating site and either u had a profile already or made one up to meet me.  That is a lot of following and listening and reading their online happenings...only to meet them from the dating site.  Which how u even knew that id date you is odd unless u were just hoping.  I realized that when my brother died last year.....that was you I was talking to wasn't it???  Do you know how special that is to me and my heart? I didn't have anyone to help ,me thru that and you were there.  I wanted to thank you so very much. I don't see how u can do all these tracings of my actions and talk to me at the most horrific time of my life thus far and then not tell me that its you..... I will never under stand why u didn't tell me.... I so wished you would have *** the things would have turned out so much different. I just thought u were some dude who was a cheating pig....and wasn't thinking too serious about anythg *** I knew u wont leave "her". that's why I never asked u too and or even brought it up *** ive seen the shows where they say they'll leave but never do so why ask? but if id had known u were frozen heart and soule shawn I would have looked at things differently. I would have taken things and rearranged them to fit into my life better. I owe the person or man who talked to me and helped me get thru each day when john died a lot..... *** If it wasn't for u I don't think id been ok. Also If id known you were the holder of my heart and would have told me things instead of not saying much....it would have ended up in the way u wanted it to be. Not this way where I will be sad and ****** yet upset for not knowing u were the one who makes me happy *** to me you are perfect and perfect for me as well... God I miss u more then u will ever know,,, I wish I could hug and kiss u.... and sit and talk ....but its not gonna happen and it just makes me want to cry but I keep getting headaches when I cry....so I don't like to....     Im so grateful that I was with u for the year and a half we spent together.....wish it would have lasted for ever though instead...*** I wont ever stop wanting u....ILY!!!

This is what Dale Yeager- CEO "SERAPH -
The Problem Solving Company"
Says, There’s No Crime Here.
What do you think?

This man I want to help is my son’s father; we were many years out of touch with one another due to many reasons well beyond this situation; but it should be noted that this woman, the one in this, has had much to do with why he and I were not with one-other after 1991 and why the two of us are still not together today she’s also the reason he’s been out of touch with most of his family.
It’s in the later part of 2018 I found out about things which has have been going so wrong in his life. I have been in touch with his family but I always kept them off from talking of this man’s life to me; one day I was told of this man’s brake from his wonderfully close bonded family. They have learned recently his health has suddenly been doing quite poorly; one member even said they’re fearing this woman was setting to rid herself of him; I told them I’ve seen the Philly News about their boy, I didn’t think that boy did what was being said about him, not at all, and I’m going to look into it and see what I could find; and, this is what I found.
Within 5 years 6 months 19 days, from the day the words “I do” left this man’s mouth this woman has isolated him from most of his family and all of his friends, she places herself as his wife onto the deed of his house on March 12th.1993 a full 1 yr, 7 months, 16 days before their said wedding date; First thing being first is the actions and timing of the wedding; she tells his family to come on down, on October 28th.1994, for a big Halloween shindig?! Only once his family arrives they were then told one of the guest, a woman, was the mayor of their town and she’s to officiate on this day, it’s going to be their wedding day?! I looked up the Mayor of their town during that time and the mayor there was a man, a man who as of 2019 is still the mayor down there. His family was understandably perturbed, to say the least. not being told beforehand of it being a wedding as some hadn’t gone thinking it was nothing more than a Halloween gathering. This woman has had this man go through a chapter 7 in 18 and ½ months, a chapter 13 in just shy of 2 yrs, 2 months of that and then once again he’s gone right back into a chapter 7 in only 2 years 2 months, 17 days later??? She convinces this man to sign away his house, the home he has had built from blueprints, over to her first husband; her first husband who has by this time already been moved right into the house to live with them; Seven years afterwards this woman gets herself replaced onto the deed as an unmarried woman along with her first husband as an unmarried man who does all this 7 years, 10 months, 23 days to the day he took it away from Joe and without any financial considerations from her what so ever she’s on the deed as a single, unmarried, woman?!
How did a man with near $200,000, Bankable dollars who has had the ability to with straight-up with cash buying land and having his house built and having his very close family with his two brothers and a sister and so many loving friends, many of those held since grammar school, how could a man such as this man go from “I do” to having no body, no family, no friends, being $230,000 into debt and having to sign over the home he had built and having, now, to having to sign it over to her ex-husband all so you could have a roof kept over the heads of those you see as the only family you have left in this world. All of this has been done to this man, to a good man, all within 5 years 6 months 19 days; I also found even more way more deepening financial troubles down the road for him. I also found a fourth bankruptcy court case set in 2014 in Joe’s name for a foreclosure; a case on the house he no-longer even owns and he hasn’t owned one percent of it since May 11th. 1999?! How this could be done, is for the life of me, I do not understand??? At this point in time, this man is well over a half a million dollars in debt?!

In late September of 2019, I mailed him an Acknowledgment of Paternity form with the DNA testing office information to my son’s father so he could have all the test-work done. Then in November, I went down to see him after I had my book published; I gave him a copy; this is the first time I spoken to this man in decades. I wanted to tell him all that I learned about her and find-out what the hell was going on straight from him; but, I couldn’t. When I saw a medical-contraption strapped onto his chest, attached to his heart?! I just told him he needed to come home where he belongs. Joe said to me he had nothing to give to the boy?! I told him, I already knew that but I’ll be here to take care of him in any way he needs.
He said, he wouldn’t, he couldn’t;” I made bad choices.” He tells me, now, he could never leave from where he’s living no matter… his words,” No choice.” He seemed frightened. I couldn’t tell or question him i couldn't say anything further about anything knowing his health was so uncertain.
After his surgery, while he was still in recovery, we were talking on the phone with when he saw them coming down the hall; He said, “My family’s here and he hung-up. Time passed, he was out the hospital, I tried calling him but when I dialed his phone it said the number has been disconnected?!
On February 23, 2020, at 6:33 pm. there was a message I found which was sent on my face-book account it was sent this woman saying, “…happy he will be where he should have many years ago. It’s time he’s yours.”
I waited a while and asked a family member and I was told his phone number hasn’t changed?! Calling from a different phone he picks-up but as he hears my voice the phone went click.

Looking into his so-called wife’s actions, I seen markers of illegal activities far beyond those I thought I would. Beside his home this man’s name was attached to many homes not only in his town but on his block?!  It wasn’t as if he owned all of block 44 of his town nor has the paperwork to these lots make it into a true-file at their County Clerk’s office; one of the most important functions of a County Clerk’s office is the recording of all the legal documents associated with the properties and during the time his name was on his deed 22 files which were claimed filed but had no paperwork to show… whole files were missing from records and this wasn’t happening prior to his arrival to these town nor any time after signing away his house to her first husband?! I had also found this woman and her first husband have been living well beyond their means; they’ve been traveling on multiannual cruises together and they’ve even been paying for others to go traveling with them. The first husband himself is the owner of two rather large sized boats and both of them have been jetting-setting off on many out of town trips together all year long, leaving Joe to stay as the caretaker for her two children; this woman’s first husband is a. retired, Riker’s corrections officer and he’s not a man from a family of financial means?!

I started gathering the names of the others on these filings where Joe’s name appeared, I found they’re all of people living on that 44 block, all of them; and her first husband’s name was also in on this list 2 times, twice, before he was ever signed over onto this house, before and without, any file to show?! His name on 3/2/99 and 5/11/99; she had his house signed over her first husband on that day, Happy Mother’s Day?! Then, I looked up first husband’s name on the property and found a third empty file posted for a SUPERIOR MORTGAGE also being filed on 5/11/99

Those words after his surgery, “My family’s here…” was eating me up inside.

I see all this as well as knowing the idea of his needing to have even more surgery and knowing just what it took for her to get this man in the first place by September 23th. 2020 I was beyond the ability to say nothing anymore until his health was better; I called him up from my landline and told him just what she had tried to do back in 1991; how this female inside a little beige hatchback tried to run over my child and he calls her his family; I let him know just how much it was she who was interfering with our relationship back then; I knew she was right there hearing everything I was telling him, I didn’t give a care about it; But, I didn’t want to let her know everything I have learned about how it is that he’s not owning his house anymore. He told me he’ll be in touch with me… and we ended our call. On October 1,2020  while researching and printing out more information on just how I think this female ,Puttana, did what she did… I came across this new file in his name?! It was for a UCC1!? What? How could he be filing this without holding ownership on this house? I began looking into and watching files on this company; from that day ‘til after I hired Dale Yeager, there has been 23 files from this company for UCC1’s for block 44 alone and only four others within their whole township?! 23 out of 27 and 23 all from on the same block, nothing off about that and one of those names are of a man who’s not even a property owner and has not been one in 21 yrs.?! I did make a much wider search on this company itself but we’re only looking at this Joe’s block here and now. This company began showing files here for this whole town back in 2019 and to date they have filed only 40 files all together in this town and 30 of them are from block 44 and, FYI, only seven files were from before 10/01/2020 Dale Yeager says there is nothing off???
I also began seeing other things as well; I began seeing mortgage flipping going on here, where people were selling and buying their own homes over and over and then they’re paying off those 30 yr. mortgages within 5yrs and many of these even underneath a two years, on a 30 yr. mortgage?! And those people doing this were using the same clearinghouse?! All these are earmarks of money being funneled; this begins just after 1999 and there seems to be a line-up connection to these two’s traveling itinerary. But Dale at the end of his day says there’s nothing there; he wasn’t saying that when I first show these to him.
I hired Dale Yeager CEO of Seraph through bark.com, on April 10th. 2021 It was through an Email titled; It's about Husband-abuse. I gave him all my information and of what it is this investigation was about and I told him I was hiring him to help me to look into Lynn and her first husband; by this point I wasn’t sure if she even ever divorced herself from her first husband and she could have merely tricked everybody in his family as well and it wasn’t just him with that Halloween wedding. I sent Dale two different background checks for each of them; for Lynn, this woman, for,Kevin, her first husband, and for the one who is to believed to be second husband, Joe; … none of these shown marriages or divorcing information. I gave Dale all his family’s information so he could call them all to gather up what information he would need to help Joe; with a long list of everybody’s websites. I hadn’t much to give about the first husband other than his job, where he lived when she was known married to him and the year she married him.  I did have and I gave Dale all of Lynn’s information for where she lived before, It was a complete background back to her grammar school days when she lived on 65th. Street and all her brothers and sister information, I knew her and her family growing up. I was only vague about what I knew on her husband Kevin’s.

When I received Dale’s first report, it was wrong; it was on some man with Joe’s middle name and his last name, it’s not on the first husband’s name at all?! I told Dale the name on this report is wrong and Dale told me that I was wrong??? We argued about this but then Dale says to me it must be an AKA the first husband was using and just push through the questionnaire and it will make sense as the investigation moves along; the second report was on her and even this report had not made any sense to me at all; it was saying that information I know to be positively true was fraudulent; and again Dale tells me I’m not correct and that all his information was checked and was accurate information; his words,”… we have direct access to the records so we can have verified data for you!” I should just get through the questionnaire and it’ll become clear! It was clear to me this man kind of an ***… I grew up knowing about this girl and her family; her parents were friends with my mother and I’ve been inside their house on 65st. as a kid?!  Dale tells me I’m wrong??? And now he’s saying to take info I find and put them into these grid-sheets? It’s busy-work. I asked him again about the first husband’s name not being in the reports. I knew, once I hired an investigator time wouldn’t be on my side because it’ll known fast; I’ve been being monitored ever since my book’s been out and sent Joe those Paternity papers. I had to get the work done fast or they’ll cover their tracks. It’s been eleven days and all I needed most from Dale is of her marital status-proof with these two men everything else of illegal activities I’ve given to Dale in those three full mailers I sent are anywhere near as important?!
I wrote to Dale later that night, I just found out that Lynn and Kevin just returned back from another trip down to Florida, why they or anyone our age would go down there during Spring-Break is anyone’s guess; It worries me to think the kind of danger Joe is in right now... they both have and given Joe Covid; all three have went into hospital?! Joe was sent home as I’ve been told, Lynn maybe back home as of the time I’m writing you this, Dale but as far as for Kevin he was being placed into a room; At least Joe was able to go back home right away with it being a mild case but I would think this will put off his needed surgery for a while. I do hope Kevin makes a full recovery; I’d prefer him in jail than in hell for what the two of them have done to Joe.

On May 8th.6:40pm. Kevin’s dead, he died tonight; this is what I Emailed Dale.
Next morning Dale sends to me, ‘Thank you for this update.’ As cold, as silence itself.
This man is dead and… ‘Thank you for this update.’
I started working harder to gain as much information as I could gather; I fear, now, with Kevin's death Lynn's going to turn all her sights back towards Joe telling him, he's her husband: and, he has a duty to be there for her... by her side.
With Joe not knowing what we’ve been learning about who knows… Now, she's alone, who knows what is going on inside her mind.
I hope we can find and have everything we need very soon.

June 11th. I sent Dale an Email; Hello Dale I'm wondering what's going on with the files I sent you and the work on Kevin? Dale, are you seeing the same as I within those files I sent?  
The same day Dale wrote back…; Theresa; Yes, I am and the data was shared with the team. We are waiting for the financial accounts data. Dale
When next Dale and I spoke it was June 22nd. I sent the third box full of files completely fixed to him.
Email; Hello Dale; I sent you a package you should get it today; Please let me know when you get this; I fixed all the files in a mortgage, discharge, names of party and the block and lot numbers of property’s order. Hope they are useful for you.

Twelve hours later I get an Email; Theresa, I received the package and will review asap. Dale

Next thing I heard from Dale, Mon, Jul 5, 2021 11:15 am; Theresa good morning. Everything we could find and verify is in the last updated report we submitted. The next step is the POA. We will have that to you this week. Dale
This seems off?! The next time from Dale was Tue, Jul 13, 2021 3:00 pm Theresa; attached is the next update please review and email back your answers to our questions. Dale
Now, again Dale sends a report for the wrong person; a person who has my son’s father’s middle name and his last name?! This one also has her first husband’s name on it but Dale said he was sending a POA Report; what happened? At this point I don’t know what to think; I feel as if I’m being placed onto a treadmill?! I don’t have the ability to do this search on Kevin I can’t go any steps further then I already have... I gave Dale everything I could; and I told him this; He says ...Just to do it.
It has been since that night, September 23,2020, I last spoke with Joe; and it’s now been more than 8 months of continuously searching and working on this thing;  and during this I’m finding way more than I ever wanted to know about  what this poor man has had to endure during these past three decades; if only I were a stronger person back then before she got her hooks into him his life would have been so much different than all this...
But as for, Dale Yeager’s actions with this investigation; he has been with complete unprofessionalism, I think he’s a crook.

I whistle for the Scarecrow to lead the way right after Neur decided to leave. It begins to form a black mist/smoke like essence in the middle of where I stand then it unifies and creates a Scarecrow with red eyes and it makes noise and flies slowly in front of me. Finally it lands in a mysterious cave where I stand in awe as I see ...there the Scarecrow stands on top of a crystalline rock emanating from the entrance of the cave itself. I walk in and I feel an eerie feeling go down my gut...something tells me to look immediately to the right. So when I do there it is the mystical impenetrable rock Aziel was talking about. Then just then I feel a sense of ease and Aziel says telepathically..."So my not what are you waiting for destroy the rock and retrieve the relic." So all the sudden I feel a sudden deepening defining feeling in my chest and I acquire the powers of Darkness for the first time in my quest for revenge is paying off. I command my whole arm to become a sledgehammer and hit the rock directly and it cracks in a half...there stands a beautiful glowing base with a fancy top on it ...made out of red diamonds and showered in Gold. Then I am relieved. "I got it" I tell Aziel telepathically. Then Aziel responds worried ... "Come as quickly as you can because I believe the Goddess is onto you...plus I cannot sustain you with the power of Darkness only 45 more minutes. Therefore,  come friend for you will be handsomely rewarded. " As I am getting out of the cave I hear galloping coming up the path I came. Then to my bewilderment Boom there stood a huge 32 ft tall ElderGloomTree It looked at me and it had a sweet berry like strawberry like scent in the Air it smelled beautifully nice.
The middle of the tree there was a mouth like sideways and it opened inside it slowly took out it's tongue and there was a small what looked like a mustard seed with rainbow like colors all over. There that little seed grew before my very eyes in the matter of split seconds and formed the shape of a beautiful glowing young woman with beautiful green skin and black hair with blue red and white stripes on the hair color. She spoke to me kindly and softly her breath smelled like fresh mint...I was astounded. Frank: "Yyyoouu...mmuusstt....bbb..e..." I stuttered... Nabyah: "Yes Young Mortal I am Nabyah many call me the Goddess Of The Forest Of Whispers. What are you doing here...what is that your carrying and oh one last question...I heard from Neur you was seeking me." Frank: "Indeed I am Frank Deltoro and I am here to request something from you...in return I'll do something you want done. If it's under my power and will to do so I will aid you." Nabyah: " I want to aid my tribe of centaurs and the remote Cyclop  village of Vlakazamuk & Chalekathan *
  We want to stop the killing of Centaurs and the human captures from capturing Cyclops and making them work enslaving all Cyclop population or sometimes brutally **** them and practice known as
Davalkaj Shamanism.

You humans and your inventions to destroy our home-world and natural habitat. Tell me what makes you think I'm going to help You? Should I **** you for trespassing my forest?" Frank: "Well... I didn't come to fight but if i must we can clash but I would rather we handle the situation like 2 Grown up adults here well you for one am sure have lived thousands of years now but hey...help me and I will do my best to remove the curse." Nabyah: " Fine but do come ...come close to me I will kiss you in the lips once and you shall have my blessing..." Aziel shouts telepathically: "Use the power of the Dark to see if she is giving you a curse or a blessing...if you take the kiss and become enchanted well since the power of Darkness is in you it will be removed. But if it's a curse I shall take it and renew your power by some. So either way it's safe go ahead kiddo...I know you want those lips. Get em" I just nod. Then wow I kiss the Goddess and it's by far the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me in my 25 yrs of living. I felt a holy power showering over me then the power of the Dark was immediately removed.
Then all the sudden she makes a beautiful hymn comes out of her mouth and a fairy about 3ft tall with 6 wings flying in mid air hands Nabyah a gorgeous engraved Vial of blood. "Here is what you seek warrior; proceed carefully not only benevolent souls and entities linger here. I leave the area as soon as she hands me the vial of blood. I get about 50 ft away from the area and the power of Darkness consumes me I transform to a Giant Bat and head back to Aziel.
In the Castle am greeted with pleasure and I hand him the vial of Goddesses blood. There and then he drinks the elixir of blood and before my very eyes he regains his youth and full power. Then there stands 5'7 Sharp look young man about 20 to 21 years of age. He disappears and reappears behind me tapping me on the shoulder. Aziel: "Frank I am in complete debt with you for only and even though we do not agree nor do I love him any but thanks the Lord...you helped me regain my full vampiric power. Ahhh it feels amazing. Hahaha  he embraces me in a warm hug.  Now what do you desire my mortal friend?
I think deeply..."I want to help the Goddess remove the curse from the forest." Aziel: "I usually don't meddle in human affairs but I am making an exception I'll help you as long as your willing to help me destroy the Order " Frank: "Does this mean I must look for the Relics Neur Blackthorn asked me to get ...since I got the vial I don't really need to do it no more right?" Aziel: " I'll let you borrow the power of Darkness for 6.5 more hrs till morning comes" Frank: "Thanks Aziel once again for letting me gain more power and knowledge."

~ *Meanwhile

At a very remote location deep in the heart of the Forest Of Whispers lived Bethilda Wood. She has lived in a old ruined cabin for 700+ yrs also she is known as The Elder Witch *Empress Of Darkness known to bestow powerful spells and hexes but also with the gift of healing and releasing souls back to the Almighty One. A young Wiccan woman comes up young in age her skin tan/white heading toward the old rugged cabin...then pauses whistles a delightful melody and a staff appears.  Having been trained in the field of magic this young witch is been taken under Bethilda's wing. Bethilda:  Adrianna  darling come I have a surprise for you. Follow me to the pond of *Greater Enchantment. Adrianna: So... I heard you became the High Dark Empress 1200 years ago. Bethilda: Yes that is true I been a Witch for the past 1600 years or so. I survived the middle ages the dark ages and the years of enlightenment.  It's something I been willing to be all my life for I meet the man who carries my heart a young man known as The Count Of the Night. Dracula! We fell in love and I bore 3 of his children who so I have heard inherited the gift of becoming a vampire and they inevitably became vampires, more like the 3 princes of the night. Vladimir my first born Aziel my middle child and Uriel the youngest of the three. I been on the quest of finding Jesus Tears a small opaque flower the color of silver to complete my spell and relinquish Vladimir's soul to the mortal realm fit it into a red diamond and transfer it's soul essence into a freshly dead human body. With that he will come back to the World of the living and redeem himself and take revenge on the Order. Adrianna: I will help you. I will find this flower you'll see. So then they practiced spells from there on out.

~ Meanwhile

Its 1 a.m. and Frank heads out to seek the Ancient Relic. With the complete power of Darkness at his disposal he sends out 3  scarecrows to look for areas of interest in the Forest Of Whispers. Two of the  scarecrows come back one doesn't so that last one got killed by someone's power. Frank communicates telepathically to Aziel. Frank: I think someone is onto us Aziel guard the Castle it might be the Order. Aziel: already got it covered buddy. Then Frank feels a very strong power slowly emanating from the Southeast part of the Forest Of Whispers.  Frank transforms to a bat and heads there. As he gets there the small village of Chalekathan...
He who has been destroyed there stood a mysterious figure in the middle of the havoc a mysterious strong power could be felt from him. Mysterious Man: Hello adventurer my name is Navarro Castle-worth I am the Warlock of the *Tower Of Frejoird where I was trained to use magic and rituals to summon strong deities into this plane of existence.  I got here too late someone had destroyed the village before I got here. Frank: Right ...my name is Frank Deltoro and how do I know your not the one who destroyed the village? Why should I trust you? Navarro: Young friend...I do not desire battle but if it's necessary I will satiate your thirst for battle...Navarro Summons his staff and says some words and a Huge Nightmarish Creature that looks like a dog with a fog of Darkness surrounds the Creature. Frank summons the power of Darkness and since its 1:33 a.m he gains the *Wings Of the Desolate Count which makes his power two fold. There Frank stood looking at Navarro in the eyes and him looking at Frank with perspicacity. All the sudden a trembling can be felt and a Huge Cyclop comes out of the Wilderness. Mysterious Cyclop: Hold one moment ...this man is telling you the truth young Mortal. Frank: Woah a Cyclop what how did you get here? Frank loses his fighting stance and so does Navarro...My name is *Jhino Velvermount I am from the Tribe Of Chalekathan* known Village Of the Largest Cyclop population. "Come I show you what the Witch Of the Tavern Of Doom Dragons* done her name is ...whispers Bethilda N. Lement. Raised originally in Sweden in the small farming town of Wrellender* learned Martial Arts Of Taijutsu and Ninjutsu. Able to control Lighting/Air/Water/Fire/Metallic energies. Coming from a family that practiced Zetzou Buddhism. Who are thought at a very young age to control the Chi* Energies of the body how to practice Re-Vitalizing and Re-Energizing the Chi to be able to stay in a meditative/active blending of consciousness with the subconscious to make Ninjutsu possible. She is known to have rested 1322-1555 A.C. about 250 not been too active but her Great Grandmother. Nayya M. Element who was born 1119 A.C. in the same village one of the co-founders of it who placed the curse on the Forest Of Whispers and it's being sustained by her Great Granddaughter Mrs. Lement. Now me and Navarro follow Jhino to the Village. We go thru extensive difficult paths that leave me tired for an excruciating 5 hrs of walking. Finally arrive at the village... and there is about 30-40 Thousand Cyclops gathered around the Village to hear Gromm ElderLord of the Village Of Chalekathan. Gromm: My stance stands I am here to protect my people from the evil that has left this village wrecked record in the past 300 years. I will NOT allow Bethilda to wreak havoc here no longer. There Me and Navarro and Jhino stand behind the large crowd waiting for the speech to end. The speech finally ends and strong Cyclop incense is burn to allow other high ranking tribe members to know the Elders speech ended. <br>
<br>
~Meanwhile in Aziel's Castle~
"Hello" a young woman with Long Red Hair that hits the ground as she walks White Pearl Eyes with Black Pupils and with a Long  *Black Ceremonial Dress known as Akashaic Black Tunic Of the Dark Empress from the Land Of Necromancers.There appeared in a Dark WindAziel Governale in a White Taxedo like Suit Welcome Home... Iris Senteno ...Oracle Of the Shadows Of the most powerful Magicians from the Tower Of Frejoird. I have seen your prodigal human who's name is Frank Deltoro...handsome young man who encountered Navarro in The Forest Of Whispers. Will he be trouble? Or shall I eliminate his presence?"
Aziel: No he is working for me...you shall have him without delay at the end.

                         ~To Be Continued

the first time we kissed you initiated it
you were nervous (i think)
and i.. i wanted you.
so badly
to hold your hand
to feel your heart beat
to touch your lips with mine
i hadnt kissed anyone in over 6 months
i lost count; a blur of lips
and tastes,
and people who never even mattered even then in a fruitless attempt
to find a pair that rivaled yours
about a month ago, you reappeared
the second time we kissed (after about 2 yrs) i initiated it
and. it. was. wonderful.
in the morning you asked if you could kiss me again anytime soon
if it was alright
what i said was yes
but what i meant was
in the second kiss i realized yours are the only lips i could ever want for the rest of forever

6 yrs old i was playing the bathtub with my mermaid dolls & wall crayons, waiting for my mom to come wash me like she always did
she would soap my hair up two feet tall and make it flop over,i'd get soap in my eyes & cry cry cry
crybaby that's all i every did was cry
dad would scream "make that baby shut the hell up or i will"
,i hated thebelt
so,i learned i learned to **** it up & be a good girl

16 yrs old daddy doesn't spend anytime with me
yells at me & tells me to get overmyself "i pay everything for u,i work so u can eat and be under a ******* roof"
the tears are choked back and god id wish hed just ******* choke me

She always grumble
about my ex-girlfriend
that I love her more
days passed
after 10 years
one fine day
she did the same
talking about her
I replied, "Your problem
is… I left her 10 yrs back
but you still carrying."

I was in a little coffee shop here in KY Area where many people from different places around the planet come to speak about innovative ideas and discuss their pass-times and exchange information on how to make the planet more ECO-FRIENDLY and better ways to go about the problems the whole Planet is facing today. We are against Governments that got TOP SECRET HIDDEN AGENDAS on how to Brain-Hack/Mind-Control/Mass-Hypnosis/Luciferian Doctrines/People with Special Gifts & Hidden Powers/ Godless people/Lovers Of $$$/Lustful People/Pornographic Industry/Video-Game Industry Become more Violent & Ruthless/ Lovers of themselves/ Inventors of Evil/ Deceivers/ Soul-Controllers/ Witches/ Witchcraft/ Demonic-Possession/Dark-Lords/Demon-Lords/NWO/NumberOfTheBeast(666) and Liars & Thieves.

It was around 5:51 A.M in the Morning on 3/4/19 and I walked in to this little Coffee Shop...I got greeted by a Young Woman who was really polite and really friendly...I told her I was homeless and that all I needed was to warm my hands for about 5 to 10 minutes and then all the sudden I started to tremble a bit and I felt so overwhelmed by a sense of peace and happiness...

All the sudden a small blue orb that I was able to see from the corner of my left eye came inside the Little Coffee Shop ...that little orb levitated to my table hovered right on the opposite chair to where I was sitting at...in the table. This little Orb started to un-wind and I told myself in my head...this is unbelievable ...is so amazing to see this... then the Orb slowly but surely; took a form of a Man with a White Long Tunic sitting across me like 4 ft opposite to me & the chair I was occupying to sit on. All the sudden I realized it was a Man about 151 Lbs height couldn't tell and a beautiful gray beard and his skin color was like all the races combined to 1 specific color but each color blended to perfection.
His feet looked like shiny pure bronze his hair was so long it touched the ground and was actually not gray the hair on his head was white...I noticed that when I came in it was just me and 2 female workers in the Coffee Shop and 1 Caucasian Female about 24-26 yrs old sitting on the other table across mine and she was minding her own business and typing in a computer...

Something was strange hence when this powerful being came inside the place I knew that it was so odd to just come to my table and hover and then slowly transform the small blue energy ball to a full blown grown older man with a extremely white tunic on...so white I could not tell if it was just the color or if it was transparent...
I figured that all the sudden I became extremely submissive to this being that was sitting across me and also I sensed deep within me that he is the ONE that made everything we know to exist and everything we think we know that is out there in the MULTI-VERSE.

I began to cry of overwhelming joy and happiness and a touch of excitement to see that he came to visit me and to make sure that he made his presence and even the air in the little shop changed it became more dense... everyone in the little coffee shop knew there was something up but couldn't exactly pin-point what was happening all the sudden I felt an overwhelming sense of peace and a radiant holiness inside that place that it was just unbelievable man. Then something amazing happened there was now about 10 people in the little coffee shop and everyone was intoxicated with the presence of the MAKER OF THE MULTI-VERSE CREATOR OF SOULS & STARS, GALAXIES, & BLACK-HOLES, WHITE-HOLES, WORM-HOLES, POWERS BEYOND HUMAN IMAGINATION TO EVEN GRASP & EVERYTHING WE THINK WE KNOW ABOUT THIS GALAXY or even the Universe.

Then everyone all the sudden smiled and it was all at the same exact time and everyone was talking rapidly and I could sense that they knew HE was also there...who ever thought GOD didn't exist up till then at that POINT when that mysterious presence appeared and made itself known to me and everyone else...it was just *** I couldn't believe it. It was if the whole place was filled with a sense of belonging a sense of hyper-joy a sense of perfection to everything. Then I noticed he the presence and he said..."Do you have anything you wanna ask me?" I was like...."I have...(interrupted) gave me the answer to my first question which we where talking to each other with telekinesis (it impacted me in such a way hence I had not even thought of the question that I wanted to ask and then he gave me the answer to the question I was thinking to ask with my mind and BOOM already had an answer for me.

I realized that 5 minutes had elapsed since he made himself known to everyone and that he was speaking to everyone simultaneously all at once ...I was so scared of his presence had a deep deep admiration for him and ultra FEAR and MEGA respect for him. He emanated this profound love and profound holiness it was just plain scary to know something like that could rule all things at all times and knows all answers and could destroy all we know to be EXISTENCE in less than a fraction of a second. IT was a real and so profound experience it felt ethereal and mind-blowing and also I could not think I could not speak I could not move all I could do IS CRY AND BE SCARED LIKE a little baby. Then he spoke and said "Son it's OK don't worry am not here to hurt you all I want you to do is to do what I put you on earth to do you are forgiven for your sins don't worry I know what you do...I know when you sin and what you like and what you don't and what you want and what you don't. Just don't ever doubt the power I hold and don't ever doubt me and you'll be just FINE." With that being said All I could do was merely say..."I surrender I am sorry for sinning my GOD ...I was genuinely afraid of what might happen next... I wanted to just BOW DOWN & WORSHIP HIS MAJESTY the FATHER OF ALL.

Then he also gave me permission to look into his eyes for just a glimpse..."I did and Oh My Freaking Gosh...it was so scary it was like a burning furnace his eyes and he read me and saw and told me every sin I ever committed all the wrong I ever did in just like an instant I felt like a mental defective I felt like a new born baby at that moment naked, afraid and alone knowing I was just a ***** RAG compared to the HOLIEST THING that I could ever imagine my mind kept blowing up from second to second till he left...I could not move speak ...ask or even do anything just cry and cry and cry.
After like 2 more minutes it was about in total of 8 minutes of my life being spent there with the MAKER...he left ...just like he came ... a flash of white light that blinded me  and everyone knew that he was gone then the air was back to being normal everyone back to their own head and their own problems but they left with a powerful perhaps the most powerful spiritual/ethereal/surreal/conscious waking experience...they shall ever have. I told the people the 2 girls in the little coffee shop that I was leaving and the rest of the day I felt like I had won just a billion dollars and I felt an after-glow of the MAKER it was so beautiful I loved it...Thanked the Girls for treating me like a human being and like someone that mattered and I left and did my own thing.

                                                                            Sincerely, H.R.V

THIS WAS MY EXPERIENCE OF WHAT THE POWER THE MYSTERIOUS POWER OF GOD THE FATHER CAN RADICALLY CHANGE YOUR LIFE IN 1 INSTANT...DON'T DOUBT JUST BELIEVE & NEVER EVER ABANDON YOUR FAITH.

however i choose
to abuse these loose reigns
to gain whatever gallops may overtake
to overrun the rampant jade
in summer's plum, my teeth in no shade
but the plump flesh
of a ****** day; brightly at heel
of my toes, bejeweled
in ocean spray
fresh cut lawns with diamond dew, disarranged
sprinkler cast before midday
to cheat the sun,  a sip or two -
and slake the thirst
of emeralds
i would soon delight
to cantor through.
to roam
with eyes too wide
to choose
a culdesac ... to dread-
or view. Perhaps
a glance at crates
and crude cadavers of a life
removed -
from every thing i worship twice !
while prancing, ever-prancing -
through
the manicure
that has ' no cure '
for Nature's way
of tending too the over-groped
and fussy plucked,
some Charter barks
you have to do; What Art dispels
what man has framed ?
what power drapes
the Land more true ? A dozen Elves ?
Prayer in school ?
what genius
never fails to ask -
the question that reveals the fruit ?
or listens .... to the loamy grass ?

a very
few, if any who -
would
do
the same; the
mortgage and a
landscape, paid;
' in-full.'  [ The first ]

with love, the glade ?

The Earth
is all i know,
would do
for nothing,
all...  Spite all -
we do.
however we blockade
or stake
the acreage
we have papers prove-
belong to every
dispossessed
with keys to doors
that lead to
rooms -
that seldom have the sun
inside the red Redwood
the old thing died
too raise your roof
under god's blue
sky.

To shelter
men from other
men,
who covet what
you keep in
them.

a 1000 yrs of Life, undone  
to build our vapid
ornaments.
a forgery
of hearths; and hardly worth
the vasty parlors
lost.

we parcel, carve
and auction
off
our petty Lots of
*******...

the empty ones we polish
while our homeless
remain home-
less

the echoes of a simpler time
too weak to even haunt them.

our shame intact, we slash
and burn, for coffers have
no conscience.

our charity is scarcely more than earplugs
for a blindness; a band-aid for an Apathy
a thimble and
a wine list
etched inside the hollow
just below the milk of kindness
that soured
in a palsy hand
that brought a drop
and spilled it.


However
I have chosen more
than fiberglass and
fountains
my habit is to wander off
the beaten path
to mountains.
To slopes
of avid avalanche
and quiet shouts
of Silence -
that echo and return
as if to soothe
my withers'
finally...

an
ache
to meadowlark and leap
for leagues without a harness
without
a gate to keep
the lush pavilions
at a distance

nothing
to contain
the gift
and no one
there to
name
it.

nothing but the wind to kiss
and no books to
explain
it.

When do
the thinking machines
come on the scene
10 yrs to fear
some say more like
a fright in 30 or 40
but on this path
do the math
and it will most surly happen
if we are still here
someday shed a tear
when computers say
cogito ergo sum
inorganic panic
faster to think
in a blink
knowing more
then ever you or I could
if the strongest survive
how do you and I thrive
after creating our replacements

It was as if I ran out of saliva, when the girl I didn't like told me she's in love with me. Wanting to **** myself because of ugly hearted girls
I WAS ON MY WAY TO HELL WITH MY SUITCASES ALL FILLED. Walk, Pray and Bleed
"That's why the bible was made" I said, to protect us from our evil deeds
which are increasing as we live.
Well, not all dreams are good (I MEAN COME TRUE!)
bcoz of things like "POVERTY" the girl that fell in love with me
She had striked my Dad when young, he used her before he passed her on to me.
I Inherited a ***** from my father of which I hated, so broke; that the devil wont dare to tempt me
(CAROBLEND WILLIAMS) son of a rich lady (I MEAN *******!)
My name is an Italian one which means "FAULTRESS OF AFFECTION"
Demn he who cant understand!
Bcoz everyone no matter who likes me, hates my behaviour
I h8 some women bcoz they make me sad
My mom had 5 children, whom all had a different Dad
3 yrs ago Mom was killed by Dad's hands
now, he's in a death spice
hail poverty one LAST
   DANCE!

I gave you up for adoption at 16 yrs old never gettin to know who she is
Sad that I learned what it takes to be a man after learning to use my *****

And at the time I was so inflicted being drug addicted my sight
To see the future sober me will have
To carry this all his life

After I gave her away I woke up some days not remembering why
I gave u away only to stay intoxicated to run away or fly

Becoming scared of not being high
So when I finally decided to quit
the drugs, I regretted all I was and
the love I turned away&now; miss

The daughter who I won't kiss
hug or love so I often feel sad
Picturing my daughter hugging a better man .. Who she now calls Dad

The one she says she loves, who
Was man enough to be
A Selfless, sober and responsible role model.All the things I couldnt be

&No; matter how sorry I am or how much remorse was in my tears
Eventually even the drugs couldn't help me run or numb the fear

That still grows every year
Scared shell think I didn't care
Or even worse not even care, cause I'm just a stranger she could stare

at and not recognize me like I wore a mask as we pass in street
not knowing who I am, and I'm so **** Scared she wont want to meet

Scared shell find that in time I became a dad and succumb
To the knowledge that I now lovingly raised another baby... My son

Leading her to be angry and confused on Why she couldn't stay
But I still kept my son who now has the one father who gave her away

And it eats at me everyday, cuz I never meant to leave my blood
In the hands of a better man but trust me Ive cried so much it floods

My face whenever I face this pain that I still face now
I often wish the tears that appear as I cry over u would cause me to drown

From the puddle left on the ground
But objectively this is much worse
Cuz I am cursed with facing your birth every day only to feel the thirst

To find closure, for all of the hurt
But deep down I know that first
Karma must fairly punish me mercilessly as thats what i deserve

So like revenge it's dished& served
As cold as anything can be
And I can only hope I can forgive myself but like Casey Anthony

I took for granted the gift planted So I reep what I sew as rancid
Is self hatred,that strips my soul naked now vacant after bein handed

Something sacred, that I refused
To protect so it was safe at night
Bearing the pain of missing your first words&steps; or teachingU2ride a bike

Never hear I love you. Never know you. Never be part of your life
... I wish you knew how sorry I was but in life. There are things that no apology could ever make right ....

/////////////////////////

I get sad when you come to mind....
I have wanted you for so long.... i hoped one day you would be the one I would find..

I have loved you for so long....
I never stopped loving you even when i had a 'toy' to help forget what brought my saddness on...

Even when hed be here....I still looked for you *** it was you who should have been there.
Not once did i ever stop thinking about you......
I knew somehow you were behind it all in some way too...

When john died close to 3 yrs ago.....
you were there to talk to me all the time...
making me feel better ....
getting the sun again to shine.

I wish it were that way now *** when my mom dies....
how will i  manage......  i ust dont know how...

You used to seem so much more compassionate and loving about life..
Now its not that way....
I wish i could go change it or so you can end it just hand you the knife.

In counseling I wrote a poem
It was a letter to my mom .. Whose if you don't know
Died 4/14/01
  

My mom

Mothers are suppose to be their when their babies need them.

Where were you when I. Needed you ..
Have you forgotten you had children?
Where am I suppose to go.. Who am I suppose to turn to when Im feeling weak when I need my mommy..
I remember your smell
The comfort my head laying on your chest and your fingers in my hair.
Emily and I in the backseat. . you driving. All of us singing loud and full of joy to some country song.
I was 14 when you  died
I need you so bad sometimes

I cry alot .. I lashed out .. I hated you for leaving me .
How is it that I end up being the only kid with no family. .
Treatment for the kid who can't handle her mom dying ..
People wonder why I acted out saying you need to stop these anger outbursts ..
****. I doubt anyone stop and thought maybe its normal that Im having a hard time grieving.. Nope
A therapist and 8 kinds of pills for the list of things I must have

Mom you don't know the war in my head the nightmares I felt ..
The darkness that creeper in
The problem child that fat girl that had anger problems gets out of treatment goes to live with grandparents

The kids at school picked on me .. I had no friends
I run home and grabbed a knife and cut my wrist I screamed. Why did you leave me .. Mom where are u

How any I suppose to live without you..

That was 15 yrs ago

Now Im 30
And Im a **** up just like u were ..
At 25 I got to be 500lbs
With a 2 yr old n a 6 month old ..
I chose ****
5 years later

Im sitting here thinking
You chose ****** and was a needle ******. And died at 42..
I love u I forgive u

I messed up .. I had 4 kids . I lost them i became a needle **** ****** that hates herself. .

Im clean now 17 days
Trying to figure out of to go about talking again to your mom...
My grandma.
Haven't talked to her in 2years..
I don't want her to die with out seeing her.

Well mommy. I love you. And say hi to my poppy and Uncle don !

Love Annare

I seen nim again that sad looking man...
He stared at me with wonder....
Or was it disgust i cannot tell....
Maybe he should clean up...
The world will hate him less....
And a brushing of teeth will allow him to get close....
Looks like he has enough barriers...
He is not the suitable shade of accepted...
His tattoos make him a dangerous felon....
The lost look in his eyes means he cant be trusted....
If the rest of the world could see what i see......
That he tries harder and harder everyday....
Because his daughters names are tattooed on his neck.....
They are the reason hes tired...
14 hr days leave every late night worth it...
Because a midnite playdate is his only reward....
A lonely soul who recently lost his mom.... his dad....
And how a friend may be all he needs....
But burying his last one four yrs ago has made him scared.......
Now he is facing a world without any back up......
He is the only protection for a family that means everything....
And has a girl who maKes him feel like nothing....
Someday i hope to not see him so down....
But as smile at him...
I realize this whole time...
That sad man in the mirror is actually me....

Thanks everyone for your kind words and ur goodness towards me well I'm just    11 yrs old  and I'm so thankful thank you





Thanks 👍😊

I guess you wouldn't see this everyday
A 43 year old man writing in a diary
But hell what other choice do I have
See a shrink
Talk my problems out

So I'll give you the details
My names Karl 43 yrs old
Divorced 5 times
7 children I barely get to see
Kids mothers think I have manic depression
Judges took my supervised visitation rights away
Because I had a mental breakdown
Ended up in the psych-ward for a month
I'm working three jobs
Little Ceasers, Raising Canes, and a handyman
I'm living in my moms basement
Paying rent out the ***
Even though I'm barely here
You tell me if I've had it rough
My dad drank himself to death
Beating my mother and me
My older brother died during service
My younger sister is a crack fiend
And I've spent more money on her
To stay in rehab than I have on clothes
For both me and my kids
I've been recently cutting
I saw my oldest do it
When I confronted him
He said it relieved the pain
He was right
Still feels wrong
I just wonder when enough is enough
When you finally give up
I've been a devoted Christian
Yet I've never seen the end of it
The constant pain
The endless torture of reality
Hell would be my heaven right now
I have no friends
I don't have a single clue
Where my life went to
But I'm sure it's heading nowhere fast
Thought about ending it
But the picture of me and my kids
Always seems to stop me cold
I just wish I could say I'm sorry
That I wish I could be a better father
A more devoted husband
But how can I do any of that
When the woman I've been with
Only wanted my wallet more than my heart
I don't even remember the smell of cologne
I guess I'm just rambling
But how old do you need to be
To die from a broken heart

I'm a poor father, that is to say my yearly income is nothing to brag about.  According to our government as of last year, I am now above the poverty line, so I realize there are many out there struggling more than I am.... too many, theres no reason for poverty to be so common in todays world.  I have my 9 to 5 life (though its not actually those specific hours),  I have a car to get me from here to there and back again and thats all it is, I live in a house that isn't impressive to look at, it's liveable and functional, and most importantly I have a little boy to take care of.  He's my only child, but he has a half sister and a half brother, so he's not an only child.  He's  almost 8 yrs old, unfortunately and fortunately since his mother and I went our separate ways I've gotten to spend half his life with him .  A week with me, a week with his mom, thats been his life since he was 6 months old.  Over the years I've grown  closer and developed a much stronger bound with him  than his mother has.  I taught him to read, add, subtract, multiply, divide, and write.  Reading time has been a major part of our life,  we've read hundreds and hundreds of books (and theres probably a few of those books we've read a hundred times each).  I've encourgaed him to exercise his brain daily, both for mental dexterity and creative agility.  I won't claim I taught him to draw or anything like that, like all kids he just picked up crayons and makers and pencils and brushes and went at it.  As he got older I gave him suggestions and "helped" if he asked but mostly I just watched and encouraged.  Nothing is more important to me than his health and happiness.  I took part in bringing him into this world because I wanted to be a father, I wanted to raise a child,  I wanted the challenges and responsibilities, I wanted the joys and the heartaches, the sleepless nights and the sleeping in, late night binges and earlier morning breakfasts....all the things I thought would be wonderful and amazing.  As great as I thought it would be, and I thought it would be beyond my wildest dreams,  its been so much more than I could have imagined.  I know as a parent I'm going to naturally want to brag and say what an amazing kid he is.  So I am. He is an amazingly beautiful little guy,  his heart is already too big for this world.  He's as kind and compassionate and empathetic, it's easy to forget his just a kid sometimes.  He's not perfect, he's silly and goofy and acts just like any other boy his age.  He makes mistakes, he runs in the hall and plays in the bathroom and talks during quite time and gets too excited and doesnt always listen the 1st or 2nd  or 3rd time and stands in the corner every now and then.  But he's a good kid with a good  heart and at this point in his life a better person than most of us (a more common trait in children than I think most "adults" would care to admit).  There's been no greater privilege in my life than being his dad.  We love each other, I'm not going to try to claim more than any other parent and child love each other but at least as much as any other can.  For the last 2 or 3 years (I can't recall the exact first time) he's been wishing and asking to just live with "dad".   It started off with cute expressions like "Dad, I wish I could be with you a million days and only have to see mom one day.", to crying "I don't want to go back to mom's, I want to stay with you.", to asking "Why can't I just live with you all the time?".  And every time, I sat down with him and explained that wouldn't be fair to mom and mom loves you just as much as I do and me and mom agreed to share you equally and deciding on who he wants to live with is a "Big Boy" decision  and he would have to have a "Big Boy" talk with mom one day, but he had to know that telling mom he wanted to live with dad would hurt moms felling so maybe we should wait until he was older.  However, mom wants to move somewhere were it wouldn't be possible to keep up the other every week and now we're in court...
It wasn't an easy decision to make, lawyers are expensive, outcomes are unknown until its all over.... I didn't have to ask where he would choose if it was his choice, but I did.  I've witnessed the heartache in his eyes week after week our last few days together for years now.  I know if I just let him go he would be devasted and heartbroken.  Now here we are waiting... my lawyer is hoping by christmas we'll be done.  Every now and then he asks, "What if mom wins?", and I have to choke down the tears and stop myself from crying and sit him down and put on a brave face and tell him "At least we tried, we just have to do our best, and no matter what happens always remember  we love each other and nothing will ever change that."  I wish I had a better answer... and every now and then I wish it was the other way around, that he would be happier at moms or at least just as happy.  It would be easy to let him go if it meant he would be happy.  There's nothing more beautiful than your childs smile, nothing more pleasing to your ears than their laughter, no greater privilege than keeping their minds, their hearts, and their spirits healthy. To teach them to be kind and generous, to show them no matter how little you have you always have enough to share,  to protect their innocence, to give them magic to belive in... to let them be children in the short time they have to be so.  As they grow through their childhood, encourage the things they love, push their minds and hearts towards the things that make them smile, give them the tools to develop discipline and a good work ethic.  There's no stopping time, and time will always steal some of everyones innocence, but we can teach our children to hold onto at the very least the ghost of their innocence.  Show them its not the size of their house, or the price tag of their car, or how many figures and zeros on their paychecks that makes them rich or successful, but instead it's the amount of love in their hearts they have to give to the world that will either make them rich or poor.  On paper, on the surface of my appearance, I'm just a poor father, one of too many on the world,  I drive a car that goes but has no vroom, I live in a house that won't ever end up on the pages of a magazine...  But that little guy of mine, what he's given my heart, what his smile does for our home.... There's  no on richer, no one living in bigger or more beautiful castle.

When Colton went missing,
my life changed in every expected and
unexpected way and
i no longer had solid footing on any ground when it came to what i could hold onto as unwavering belief in or count on as fact.  
I think I decided very early on after his disappearance that I had either totally ****** up his life and failed as his mother and
I had caused this to happen and
it was all my fault and
I was to blame and
no punishment was sufficient enough to repair the grievous damage i had inflicted onto him
OR
I was totally egotistical,
full of myself,
shallow,
superficial,
self righteous,
attention seeking,
even vain and
his leaving had absolutely not one **** thing to do with me.
For the last 5 yrs I have mentally put myself on trial and
the prosecuting attorney looks just like that crazed Glen Close from the movie Fatal Attraction and all memories of the 17 1/2 years I had of raising Colton are admissible evidence.  
Very rarely when I am questioned,
harassed,
looked upon with utter contempt and
asked to redirect my answer only to the question as demanded by "Ms. Close",
that defending myself hasn't left me completely physically exhausted and
mentally drained and
spent from having to defend myself or concede once again of my guilt.

I don't know if I will ever allow myself to become acquitted of these self imposed charges that i mentally taunt myself with but since finding these stories about Larry, Justin and Colton and
reading about such hilarious and
heartwarming moments,
some which made me laugh so hard that i cried,
that mean judgmental ***** hasn't felt the need to put me on the stand lately

I listen for so long at what
TV, Radio & what other people said.
Advertisements, Magazines,
Books on how to loose weight,
Other ways & things to make myself look
pretty.  Pity-Petty me,
Trying to dress like
Celebrities,
Trying so **** hard to fit in & be like those
Models & some of them one hit wonders...
even starting to think there
was something wrong with my skin.
Too dark for many
and yet I have this red hue kind of glow,
White teeth but so UN perfect to me.
Hour glass shape I hated it,
Big strong thighs that just didn't look right,
Truth be told for a while I used to like me
until I started becoming self-sabotaging .
Thinking I could get him or just be happy doing
what all the other girls & women did,
Oh how I wanted to be anyone else
other than myself.
Long curly- unruly hair,
***** some would say
but back then
I'd have it no other way,
Afro puffs, braids,
beads,
Styles that made people question me.
Relaxing, burning&straighting; my hair
To look like Halley Berry  
How she looked in that movie
QUEEN.
I guess.
Making me feel so unPretty,
You sorry lil freak in
the mirror looking right back at me,
My grapefruits sit high-up on myself,  
They perk up and smile at me
in my state of  undress,
Some where some how along the way
I started hating them & their shape,
Wanted bigger even though I'm  38C.
Why? I really don't know...
I guess it all started
way back when;
I was just blooming
into a young lady,
Finding ones self.,
When I started to hate being me;
Foster father told me
I need to eat less,
Only Black/Puerto Rican
with dark skin in
a all White School.
Went onto visit family during this time
and got picked on
at home because
most of my families skins was so light,
Abusive relationships unbeknown at the time
had me feeling like I could never get it right,
Doing what ever "He" He  "Him" liked,
which is also what
helped take away any concept of self.
Went through the toughest 15 yrs of my life,
Married young to a
Man whose opinion
matter more then Mines.
Finally hit 23, Divorced & Free,
A light came on bright as the Sun...
I had to figure out who
I was when everyone told me
I was Ugly,Worthless & Dumb.
See eventually you reach that exhaustion.  
You take a really good look in the mirror,
Seeing me for me what hard facing reality...
I have almond shaped cat like eyes,
Brown hair with auburn highlights,
Full lips that most people pay to have
and I ain't never had to inject rat poison
into any parts of my FAT,
It's at this point where
I had to decide at this crossroad
which route I'd take.
Most would choose defeat but I had my little girls,
I couldn't accept them ever looking
at me as someone who gave up.
I had to figure out how to love myself  all over again
Be comfortable with who I am.
It takes many a lifetime sometimes to
finally come to this conclusion.
But for others like me,
It's really like building or rebuilding a puzzle,
The Puzzle Of You!
Always Me Ayeshah
Copyright © Ayeshah K.C.L.N 1977-Present YEAR(s)
All right reserved

She's angry,
but she loves me.

she's hurt
but she's not cryin

I love her
and she loves me

shes strongly
Self reliant

Jaydi Lynn- 7 yrs old
2013

He smiled weakly
and offered up
this
"I'll be dead in 5 yrs if you don't come back"
he said it was a love declared
and couldn't see why I was scared

Communication is the key...Well at least that's what I thought. You said you wanted to converse better and that would be the end of all flaws.

You stated you wanted me to tell all, and discuss when I felt some type of way.

But when I came to you with my problems you blamed me for starting things.

You say that I like to argue, you say that I'm delusional too, you say that I'm crazy...And had the nerve to call me insecure too.

When all I ever do is give you exactly what you wanted. Which is communicate with you properly, but not argue while I'm talking.

I speak with a normal tone now, but yet you say that I'm hollering. I ask questions when I'm confused, but yet I'm as you say using assumptions.

You say let it all out instead of holding it in... when I do **** now I'm nagging!!

But I just realized after contemplating all your talking.. that you only complain, assume and point the finger, but not once have you been happy cause I gave you what the Hell you wanted!!

So if you want to communicate, learn to do it yourself. Cause now it's over and 4 yrs. Is now done and this is the case of a man not knowing how to communicate with his woman!!!

Well the doctor told me I was out tears ?
The doctors told me I would never sweat again ?
I am 10 lbs UNDER weight & will never gain it back ?
I won't regain a lot of lost muscle ,so I won't be able to lift 200lbs again ?
My appetite is 1/2 what it has been my whole life?
My blood ,heart,other parts ,fat,cholesterol etc. are as good as a teenagers?
My credit will straighten back out this yr.:)

I think the cost savings in KLEENEX,DEODORANT,FOOD, & then knowing I can't lift means my back won't hurt,saves ON CHIROPRACTORS and PAIN KILLERS :)
Plain food tastes "fine" now I can sell off my cookbook & kitchen junk collection:)
I have missed out 30 yrs of junk food , I might as well go for it now :)
with that cost saving and a small loan I can pay off another house & paint it PINK just to freak the neighbors out :):)
Hey I am "POSITIVE" that is a good side to be on :) R.C.