I have never been anyone's first choice
But why would anyone want me to be
If they knew I knew would it make them change the way they think of me
Or would they lie to me like they do day to day
I can't seem to let this vile though ht escape throughout the ears connecting to the brain
Just to be thought of day to day but there is no more rooms left in the hearts now a days
I can't be cramped up with a charlie horse lingering around
I am just a pretty little flower but nobody's ruby red roses anyhow
Just under dressed while living in this distress
With thoughts of suicide hanging them self at the roof of my doorstep
If no one loves me now no one will love me in the times I will condone
The thoughts of sharp razor blades seem to reep into my skin
We get excited to travel the world but not for traveling someone within
I just want to be put first even if only for a day
I want to drown in the love and affection even if I can not breathe
Just simply someone standing next to me would put me at the greatest of ease

The light that lit the longest day,
now faded,
"time to cut the hay!"
Time to reep those seeds long sewn.
The furrowed lines
where all has grown.
Thank the Sun,
though shy to shine.
Without it, there would be no time.
No hallowed ground,
or sacred soil.
No harvest for a God to spoil.
Seasons would be just a notion.
Tidal waves without an ocean.
Secrets told without a voice
without our Sun,
there'd be no choice.

Is it too bad to say that I feel empty?
There are no memories of the two weeks that passed too soon.
its like the time had stopped,
Onlu flashes of surprise, laughter, hope, pain, respect, anxiety, guilt, sorrow, worry, gratitude, love, sharing,
Listening in speachless silence.

I feel like sand.
I feel no water inside me.
But I remember water falling on me.
I remember the green glint of the reflected sun.

And then the wind of time blew,
and the footprints lose their memory.

The sand wonders why?
All the water has to dry,
or get soaked up too deep, too quick.
That a thousand ploughs can't reep.
So it holds on against the wind,
But nothing will hold on till the end.

Forgive me if it fades away,
But the soaked water will stay,
To give me cool when the sun gets too hot.

Self improvement isn't always
Easy but nothing ever is
When it's worth equals your birth
And no longer do I feel cursed

Cause control with moderation
Accountability and resiliency
Needs alignment so my assignment
Is to create a formula like science

That leaves me less defiant
And use my rolodex of excuses  
Cause that laziness is useless
Or maybe I'm just to stupid

But you don't have to be smart
To learn from a mistake
That I inadvertently force on myself
Mimicking the traits of ****

Without the date so I try to escape
To make my life better
Cuz I believe it's never too late
Wait....they say never say never

Which is more convoluted than clever
So whatever, I just wanna be better
So I leave this motivational letter
to remind most hardship endeavored

Are created by me so whether
I call it bad luck deep down I know
lobotomy of proper ideology leaves my life like our Economy, and its told

Philosophy states success is made when preperation meets opportunity
And it's been hard prepping for what can feel like a dead end but... No

Cause faith isn't just for religion
You must calculate your vision
Cuz any goal met must first be set like premonition the first Provision

Of many on a desired mission
no longer will my present position discourage me cause courage.Be my currency even if currently conditions

Leave me impositioned by decisions
Of the past that finally crash
When it chases me to grasp
The changes I've made but that

Is the bad karma I rightfully have
Wooven like its tapestry that flows
So without a needle&thread; or learning to knit i still knew how2sew

forced to reep it and keep it asan
Expensive lesson given
Ramification and consequence
Once written will later find u wishin

That the epiphany now hittin me
Didn't need so much time to see
But the sams transgressions may
Also be a blessin, a present of me

Who is evolved from who I use to be
But still knowing its nor enough
So more consciously I move on as it cautions me to live lawfully tough

And although premature I grew up
This reflexion will be my incubator
better late than not seein the indicator to act as my Instigator

The initiative initiating creator
So if you judge me for early labour
That conceived the belief Received i only hope it relieves knowing these

Words are left to show your deceived
But if that's the cost I wagered
Then this poem now stands a receipt for dues paid and mayb one day later

I can be refunded or if nothing write it Off as a cost of business
Or even education bridging the gap
Of inflation since my occupation

Leaves me expendable so vacation
is taken at club prescription med
So metaphysically I fly to my own
Tropic island gettin out my own head

Where I dare swim in the despair
Of being overwhelmed by damage
left by dumb adolescence to manage
The mess it collects so i bandage

damage i caused Unnecessarily
Physical and mental damage
mislabeling Addiction as a habit like affliction warnings were in spanish

Walking around while I fly high
Not realizing I was being ravaged
So if i end average its stil better than
The full picnic basket short a sandwich

That I was, with a side order of
A chip on my shoulder
Which I learned to swallow with my
Pride which is y i got fat when older

Which is a built Im jacket as colder
It will definitely get til karmas done
Dishing out what outta be awfully
Close to described as ******

A relationship maintained constantly
And a futures what it's costin me
Basically karma holds the **** u emit
Like it was a bag of your colostomy

Only it gets tossed back onto me
Which sparked nostalgia in my head
Hearing my mothers voice echo
Now making sense of why she said

I was **** for brains or **** head
Like my dad often used
Not as abuse but to give truth
Of what becomes of wasted youth

I reep my blood,
Yet you are unsatisfied,
The bridges I cross to satisfy my...your thoughts,

The pain I suffer because I...you think of depressing things,
The music I listen to and walk the edge of cliffs,
Yet you push me closer to the edge,

But I can't do it yet,
The music is to loud for now,
I wonder how much longer it will be to loud for,
My doctor gave me more pills to take,

I won't take them,
Afraid I'll purposely overdose on them,

so the door slams and the windows open
air rushes in full of lustful wonder
this is singular thinking in a fog of sweet adolescence

i come from devils' fur
un-washed and smelling of sulfur
i reep your evil sews
we blink at each other

unwilling to file for glory papers
unchecked harshness towards the self
an oblivious and romantic way of being
the shadows cast behind zoo walls will follow their own mist

i speak like a broken muffler now
if i can speak at all

and the singing
only the last gulps of saltwater
churning up in the esophagus of a man lost at sea

breathing in the doom
it is only nourishment

the abyss seems at a low tide
it is passable and inviting
death is laid upon a lattice work

and they all wonder what you're really up to

pull my heart strings
scratch your name in my skin,
write your contract in blood.

hold my soul hostage,
lay down your demands;
crush my spirit in your hands.

rip apart my sanity,
write your inscriptions of pain;
etching your savage ways.

destroy my hopes,
your precogziance dictates;
stomp and scrape your lies into me.

defile my innocence,
your morose curiosties reep;
****** and stab your morbid *******.

maniacal manipulations claim yet another victim,
but in your clenched hands
none ever so willing,
to die in your hold

to feel something other than ice cold.

I've always heard silence is golden
but, what if your voice is stolen
Is it then as precious as gold
or is it more like steel bars bitter and cold

I've always been told the grass isn't greener on the other side
sometimes I wonder and sometimes I think they lied

I have heard on the wind, you reep what you soe
I ponder this as I weep for a foe

All these expressions , these old wise tales
They try to nutshell the human nature
All that we fail and all that we hail

I believe life is short
we must set sail , we must leave port
Explore the relm on which we grace
Hand in hand and face to face

Love all that you hold dear
cherish every hug and every tear
Never ...ever live in fear

Always follow your heart,
but let your mind co-pilot
Hold on to your pride
but keep it in your pocket
Live your dreams
but,don't dream your life

Your life is a vessel upon a vast sea
Do you want to be the sail that guides your way
or continue being the anchor that holds you down today.......

Somedays, I feel like I sinking.
I can fill it in my ribs, as each one breaks from the heaviness of my heart.
I feel the flowers I planted inside my soul, dying.
Each petal slowly falling, and cracking from the lack of nourishment.
Tears fill my eyes, and run down my face like a heavy creek stream.
I fear the power of my emotions.
I fear losing insight, for life is so beautiful.
Life is precious, easily ticked away by time.. yet, makes us feel like we've lived centuries with the wisdom we gain through our darkest corners.
Im holding onto my sanity; my strength.
I'm letting myself reep away, so that I can grow again.
My roots will flourish; my soul will be crisp.
Until then, I'm only a vessel, a floating soul, trying to find its way back home again.
Oh, the thoughts over coffee and ticking of my mothers clock.

Lil piece of my mind..... some thing I wrote....

Comin up in the city, livin like the mob..
Money over *******, and screaming fuckk a job...

On the daily hustl'n to eat hustl'n to sleep..
HUSTLE HUSTLE HUSTLE!?!
Wat you sew is what you reep..?..

Always on a come up, then smack into the wall.
Like god playin tricks, and likes it when I fall...

So lost in this world you'd need a search party to find me.
Even then you'd need the hand of god, the blood of christ and your first born to bind me..

I've lived and learned,
I've been beat, jumped, arrested and physically burned...

I've been cut, kicked, and thrown to the floor.
Yelling this can't be it for me...there has to be more....

With death, drugs and jail taking my family and friends...
I'm standing here all alone saying **** it, till the world ends......

The rage in my chest is constantly building,
the monster inside me wants to shoot thru the ceiling........

My world is spinning I wanna let go.....
My life is a movie, And I'm in the back row...

Its going by so fast -OUT OF CONTROL-
I gotta grab hold -FOR ONCE AND FOR ALL-

Taught by my mom to always be strong..
With the fear of failure in my head all day long....

Some days I feel like I'm drowning in a sea with no water...
I WILL MAKE IT I WILL SURVIVE, if not for me.
!! FOR MY SONS AND MY DAUGHTER..!!!

I gave you up for adoption at 16 yrs old never gettin to know who she is
Sad that I learned what it takes to be a man after learning to use my *****

And at the time I was so inflicted being drug addicted my sight
To see the future sober me will have
To carry this all his life

After I gave her away I woke up some days not remembering why
I gave u away only to stay intoxicated to run away or fly

Becoming scared of not being high
So when I finally decided to quit
the drugs, I regretted all I was and
the love I turned away&now; miss

The daughter who I won't kiss
hug or love so I often feel sad
Picturing my daughter hugging a better man .. Who she now calls Dad

The one she says she loves, who
Was man enough to be
A Selfless, sober and responsible role model.All the things I couldnt be

&No; matter how sorry I am or how much remorse was in my tears
Eventually even the drugs couldn't help me run or numb the fear

That still grows every year
Scared shell think I didn't care
Or even worse not even care, cause I'm just a stranger she could stare

at and not recognize me like I wore a mask as we pass in street
not knowing who I am, and I'm so **** Scared she wont want to meet

Scared shell find that in time I became a dad and succumb
To the knowledge that I now lovingly raised another baby... My son

Leading her to be angry and confused on Why she couldn't stay
But I still kept my son who now has the one father who gave her away

And it eats at me everyday, cuz I never meant to leave my blood
In the hands of a better man but trust me Ive cried so much it floods

My face whenever I face this pain that I still face now
I often wish the tears that appear as I cry over u would cause me to drown

From the puddle left on the ground
But objectively this is much worse
Cuz I am cursed with facing your birth every day only to feel the thirst

To find closure, for all of the hurt
But deep down I know that first
Karma must fairly punish me mercilessly as thats what i deserve

So like revenge it's dished& served
As cold as anything can be
And I can only hope I can forgive myself but like Casey Anthony

I took for granted the gift planted So I reep what I sew as rancid
Is self hatred,that strips my soul naked now vacant after bein handed

Something sacred, that I refused
To protect so it was safe at night
Bearing the pain of missing your first words&steps; or teachingU2ride a bike

Never hear I love you. Never know you. Never be part of your life
... I wish you knew how sorry I was but in life. There are things that no apology could ever make right ....

/////////////////////////

Herein lies the Crux
my state of constant flux
on the Critical Path
someone is messing with me
they said
soon be wishing
they were dead
fill me?
with fear and dread?
that's a TALL order...
I got an ink filled
voice recorder

I've been at this
intersection before
thought I'd closed the
opened door
once more
I'll find the key
digging, dragging waters
in the sea
who me?
you...
can't hold a good
woman down

refuses to be drown
not in tears
after all of these years
I'll tear out your eyes
then we'll see who cries

....you lie
and you manipulate
spread your seething,
bitter hate
my fate
is indifferent

Herein lies the problem
I will find the fix
somewhere in betwixt
reality and my dreams
I know you know it's wrong
singing the song
I want to hear

to close to my ear
you challenge my sanity
and I your vanity
I see you have sorrow
you can't borrow
stolen nickles &
dimes
crimes you know

you'll sow
what you reep
cost is steep
herein lies the crux
the state of constant flux
consequences come
from our choices
& honest... truthful voices
here me cry
why
....oh Why?

Cherie Nolan© 2016

A guilty heart of a unsteady beat.
Shooting up fire to the ones who couldn’t stand the heat.
Exorcising my own demons,
The ones that creep.
A sorrow so long,
And a pain so deep.
In and out of mischief,
Was a soul to reep.
Praying, crying to God,
‘Please don’t let this be’
Mama talking to me,
Daddy gone.
I felt no love sitting in the passenger side all alone.
Ready to **** something,
High as hell way too gone,
But I have a warm heart,
Just didn’t know when to love,
Or how to start.
I was once taught how to love,
But now reminiscin’ I no longer
Get hugs,
Only a okay, and a shoulder
Shove.
Looking up at the sky one day hoping to be that dove.
In that clear blue sky,
Looking down at this empty world,
That us humans created.
Me and my sins debating,
Rather my anger and pain has truly
Deflated.
I tried to escape it.
Hold the handkerchief mama,
Away with it.
I’ve been up and thru it.
Yes it’s phenomenal.
Hard cold blood,
I’ve been thru the rain and the mud.
So there’s nothing you can really tell me,
At the end of the day I’ll still be-
Me.
Singing my soul away,
I should have been on glee,
Closed casket,
6 feet deep.
Going up the hill but the **** too steep.
Smoking real good,
But it’s too hard too sleep.
It’s too hard to be-
Me.
Deep in the world,
My name is a number.
They recognize me as a number.
Sleeping on the floor in that 2 bedroom house,
Mama you remember?
When shad wasn’t here that and this December,
The sweet scent that lingers,
Tongue rolling and sticky fingers.
My shirt,
My chest,
My heart,
Is where it hurts.
Inflammable, but so sweet,
Is it true?
I can’t be.
Am I?
A CRIMINAL


                                              Marci h.

I have a girlfriend
she is not you
though i often wish
this was not true
to kiss and hug
and be snug
i want to be
my heart wants to be
with a girl who cares
and does not play
with feellings of others
when asked a question
you quickly reply
not let me think
for over a week
i waited
before giving up


destanie
cant you see
that those guys use you
for your body
and that i am different
more of a man
because i am brave
now i know that i often
seem like a creep
but i cant sit here
and le tyou mourn and reep
your heart broken
yet again
by another liar
one who wants nothing
but a one night stand
but your blinded
a veil drawn over your eyes
the world confusing you
so that you cant see
that i wanted you
to be with me
we are both now eighteen
well in a few days
but you dont care
true love is not enough
to overcome
the stuggles
of winning your heart
maybe if i wanted something fake
then together we could be
but ugly and poor
just never goes
with the beautiful and rich
cody will never be
with Destanie

You reep
What
You
Sow
So watch out
With
What your doing
It
Might bite you in
The *** later on
Thus is the universe.

is dying
he is an It
in this modern age
It has a bed to rest in
it has, and, is sick of people
as Lucifer sits by his bed
kneeling with sorrow
sorrow for all but not for god
god did not ask for sorrow
Lucifer kissed its feet
this showing thing
talking war and the world
as people have used
to justify their own
not ignorance but
killing in its name
It
hates you
It has nothing to do with Your name Jesus
as you use the name
and reep bad seeds
without love
****** up lyers
money making idiots
brain washing children

Are we growing to sow do are fruits produce kindness or are they bitter and cold do we shed a tear for the ones who didn't get to breath the breath of life and see gods beauty do we seek whats right or  perch are selves underneath the grapevine getting drunk on tainted lies can a man sustain his family by only tilling the soil or is it also necassary to gather in the harvest before it spoils as a shepherd imprints on its kids so should we imprint a love for are wife and family are we growing to sow at the end of life can we reep are heavenly reward and fight evil with every fling of the sword and shield are self with gods mercy when the avalanches and rains come we seek protection and safety so we also should do so with gods I biding love to lift us up when we are low are we growing to sow

This love. Consumed by reality. I've lost all gravity. I won't tip my hat that easy. Too many sleezy greasys getting their hair lubed up too easy. Where's the mechanic to repair this despair and iron our lulus affairs, I'd like to smoke a cigar with the mayor and ask him of his cares. We can only hope that one day their wealth is shared. Life is just not fair that's why dance and prance and glance at a new stance of romance. We won't find the *** of gold until we take a chance. Tear up the pants. Take a second glance and look all around you, this is Paradise, climb a tree to see wise, come over at 3 I'll make you some rice, don't dare to act twice, once is enough to hear the Volcanoe rawr. The little weezles implore to conquer a new score, sit back relax and just soar.  I weep to sleep. Let's trash the creep. The hills to steep but this riselience is summit deep. The old Hatter takes her needle to sow and reep, classic skills to perceive so neat, you mustn't forget to wash your feet. Save your brilliance for in between the sheets. **** the Twitter birds tweets, too much blabber, not enough gladier., walkity walk walk, put a boot in your talk talk. A chicken goes boc boc, so shut it before you get **** socked

When I compare my frame to other men:
I weep, and mirror's glass weeps for me too,
By height it seems their taller shrinks me when-
With force that they deny me greater view.
My dome's as barest 'neath their hairs of lush;
Of thickly grass by substanced strength unknown
How happy must they smile in each a brush
And pleasure's reep by winds that have them blown.
They boast by skin and shape, by right they're art,
Which have me think of art that I am fond:
A lover which attends my mirror's heart
As she's since loved with love's devoutly bond:

As I recall the loveliness she sends
I frown to trade for all their beauty lends!

So much to say
Too many words to lay
Afraid to say can be used against
Much afraid to put my insecurities in plate to become bate
Silence only way
Playing game cant control
Becoming weak loosing hopes
If cant be a player better be a spectator
Look game through different perspective
false hopes makes rage hop
Cant blame any though
Cant demand fruit from seed i never sow
Want to be free but dont want struggle
So afraid to face consecuences
If u bleed dont blame others
Whatever u sow so shall u reep is a proverb
Dont waste tears ,people dont care
Pretend to caretaker and treat like intruder
Not so fair!!
Making false promises of staying
When they cant for long
Making me *******