hay came in rectangular bales
when I was younger, we used
to stack them and make forts
shooting imaginary indians or vc
depending on the weather.

sunny days we killed indians
rainy days were for killing vc.

the war ended and there were no vc
I grew to respect the indians
to learn their history, my history
watching the news, seeing
white men killing indians again
at a place called wounded knee
once again-wounded knee, dad said.

nowdays hay comes in round bales
the vc are our friends, and the indians
aren't worth shooting anymore.

r ~ 7/2/14

I buy lighters nowdays
Everyone thinks I smoke
NO I DON'T SMOKE AND HOPEFULLY WILL NEVER
I do light up candles and watch them burn
I do set pages and pages on fire
I do try to burn my thoughts away but they always return
I don't smoke
I color with smoke
Whenever I blow out any candle
I let the grey surround me
Whenever I light it up again
I turn the lights off
So the warm light can color my cold walls.
I don't smoke
But there's cigarettes everywhere around me
Their smoke and hateful scent imprinted on my clothes
And that scent is not mine
NO I smell like candles
My mom put the cigar scent on me
I try to take it off
Shouldn't it be the opposite?
Well I don't smoke
But I am slowly dying.

Reformation

Remember when life was fun and easy
Yeah I remember too
Nowdays, the stress makes me queasy
My life seems awfully blue

Millennial life is easy, my elders say
Whenever we get into a feud
Yet I fear my life may be going astray
When the college bills got me *******

Remember when school used to be enjoyable
Life was just a breeze
Suddenly the pressure seemed unavoidable
My pile of work never seemed to cease

I'm tired of living in a rut
Procrastinating till my next exam
I feel sick in my gut
When I think about how lazy I am

But what will I do
What will I do? *2

I will reform my self
I will develop inner strength
Show my parents and my self that I can succeed

Give me the pen
Cleanse my mind
And keep me focused for the entire time

Reformation *3
I want reformation

I used to be good at school
Felt confident with my life in an of itself
My body has plenty of energy (S.I unit: joules)
Why is it so hard for me to assert myself

The work is in front of me
Right front and center
My conciousness has a plea
Why am I unable to be my mind's mentor

I sit here exhausted and fatigued
Nothing makes sense to me
It's 2 AM and I am studying the heart's anatomy
Who even knows if my neurons will fire properly

But what will I do
What will I do? *2

I will reform myself
Keep my phone aside
My eyes will be kept open wide

Give me the table
Turn off the distractions
Let my thoughts turn into actions

Reformation *3
I just want reformation

The time ticks 4 AM and I head off to sleep
Regurgitating the roles of various enzymes
I know that the fruit of my efforts will be mine to reap
I listen attentively for the sound of my alarm's chimes

As I hear my phone vibrations diffract all around the room
I come to the realization that my day to shine has come
My shower is on freezing cold with my mind warning me of my impending doom
But I know I won't let that be my outcome

While I put on my shoes and get my bag
I watch a motivational video to pump me up
I dump my head in water to overcome my feeling of jet lag
My mind keeps doing mental push ups

Now what do I do
What do I do? *2

I will make myself capable of excellence
Ensure there is no more procrastination
This is my opportunity for transformation

Give me the test paper
Show them the hall ticket
I will hack my way through the thicket

Reformation *7
I just want reformation

As I sit here with my exam results in hand
Proudly displaying the fruits of my work
I remember that I took a stand
Doing what ever I could to clear up the murk

These struggles of mine are just like life
Some concepts are useless, like studying about an alewife
But each new concept is always nice to know
It might not be practical, but hey it might at least end up in a trivia show

I hadn't known of ink,
I therefore used my pencil that was pink,
I wrote in no blink,
For I was sure errors made my story stink,
I then cared less,as of now I think,
Maybe because my pencil had a rubber.

I wrote about our life
In mind were you,as my wife
it was love and I was careful
A promise of God made me fearful
In dear respect,i tried to keep you
Nowdays i choose to keep the ewe
I had planned to pay as dowry.

My handwriting for once wes appealing
I was writing about true love in the sealing
Life ahead was auspicious
I used a pencil not for being suspicious
My lack of knowledge saved me the begotten
Had i used ink i wouldn't have forgotten
The day you turned against my plans
So good were mine plans
The reason was real
You broke mine heart,I rubbed the deal.
I hope you will learn,
That you had my whole heart,for you had earned
But now you are history ,
And I really feel sorry.

Parents teach their children to believe in God,
but not to believe in themselves,
They give their children phones,
but they don't teach them how to communicate,
They tell them to clean their room,
but not to clear their mind,
They teach them how to ride a bike,
but not how to meditate,
They get their children new videogames,
but don't teach them playing with people's feelings is not okay,
They teach them not to talk to strangers,
but not how to speak up for themselves,
They pay a tutor for their children so they can get good grades,
but when they show signs of depression they don't get them a therapist, because "you're still a kid, you don't need it, it's all in your head anyway".

And then, we wonder, why kids nowdays are so messed up.

When they get strongger , they bullies those weaker
When they found others strongest, they just clap their hand on strongest action even it wrong .
Then who 'they' are actually ?
They are people nowdays .
This is an reality .

All my shirts have bloodstains,
I don’t suppose that’s good.
At night I’d never kneel and pray,
But I applaud people who do.

To write nowdays takes effort,
An effort I don’t have.
Nothing in my life romanticizes,
My pen goes through collapse.

It’s rare for me to produce a thing,
For things require production.
I will sit and stare and waste my days,
I fret over my diction.

My poems are fading.
My life is not.

There's something wierd happening to me nowdays ...
"I hate myself" is the only thing my mind says..

Even the most fun stuffs and close ones are failing to make me smile
It seems like everything around me is emitting negative vibes...

There's always a confusion whether my decisions were right or wrong .
The mind that used to dance on happy tunes , is now playing sad songs ....

My mind has become a mixture of sugar and spices .
In this teenage life I am going through the so called mid- life crisis .

There's always a war of negative and positive thoughts inside my head .
Negatives are stabbing the positive ones , the happiness gets shed .....

I am exhausted , I don't want to live but I don't want to die.
All I can do is to move on or atleast try .....

only now i expressed
howmuch i love her

but next moment i got
what i couldn't

but nowdays i geting use
to this,feeling desprate

i should get out off this desperate world
as soon as possible

she started hating me
but should i know that

many of loving ones
started hating me

anyhow will lead this life..

oddly enough, nowdays,
i can become tearful yet still
look you straight in the eye
and known your name,
and know it well enough
whether i should shed anger, happiness
or apathy pronunciating it -
and thus claim it to be worth a handshake:
or the touching of two bodies in fathomed
alienation of two mothers’ despair:
were one becomes a devolved son in fact,
and the other becomes an elevated liar:
to then expect a justice as exploitation
of what could have been written in the given exception
more understood as un-necessarily
confused with what was required to enter the
oceanic depths of the magic trick, and thus
submerged into confusion enforced.

Reluctant to undergo
Anymore of the world
The people and their ways
Predicable in some cases
Unpredictable but not surprising
In many of the cases
Keeping up the positive
Outlook to life
Is becoming more of a struggle nowdays
A sense of weariness
Boredom and experience
Feelings that occur
As a reaction
To people's behaviour
Been in here long enough
Experience adds up
Beating my age hollow
Been there done that
Been there seen that
Been there undergone that
Been there felt and thought that
Life has become University
Doling out Degrees
Same subjects more deeper
Till one gets  a Doctrate
Tried to block
Entered into my head
Cynisicm the first emotion
That comes out as a reaction
Recent transactions i had
Led me to believe
All i had learnt was correct
First time around
The savage ways of the world
I was unaware
Internalised it the hard way
Butchered all along the way
This time around
Nothing has changed
Except my head not in line
Under the slaughter machine
My World Weariness
Offering complete protection
People trying the same tricks
Remains at trying
World weariness does not
Stop them
At giving a shot again
To short change or shoo away
They forgot that the tutorial class i attended was marked by them
Didn't realise my marks didn't reflect my learning
Future associations taught me swell
These sharks come across like kids
Who I'm able to handle with my wits
Which were lacking when they did this
Not surprised has taken them totally by surprise
Of all the gin joints all across the world she had to walk into mine
Those who know will understand the quote
Meaning they have sailed in the same boat
We've got him who's seen it all
We've seen it all
We always will have Paris

Reluctant to undergo
Anymore of the world
The people and their ways
Predicable in some cases
Unpredictable but not surprising
In many of the cases
Keeping up the positive
Outlook to life
Is becoming more of a struggle nowdays
A sense of weariness
Boredom and experience
Feelings that occur
As a reaction
To people's behaviour
Been in here long enough
Experience adds up
Beating my age hollow
Been there done that
Been there seen that
Been there undergone that
Been there felt and thought that
Life has become University
Doling out Degrees
Same subjects more deeper
Till one gets  a Doctrate
Tried to block
Entered into my head
Cynisicm the first emotion
That comes out as a reaction
Recent transactions i had
Led me to believe
All i had learnt was correct
First time around
The savage ways of the world
I was unaware
Internalised it the hard way
Butchered all along the way
This time around
Nothing has changed
Except my head not in line
Under the slaughter machine
My World Weariness
Offering complete protection
People trying the same tricks
Remains at trying
World weariness does not
Stop them
At giving a shot again
To short change or shoo away
They forgot that the tutorial class i attended was marked by them
Didn't realise my marks didn't reflect my learning
Future associations taught me swell
These sharks come across like kids
Who I'm able to handle with my wits
Which were lacking when they did this
Not surprised has taken them totally by surprise
One great thing
That happened to me
After this transformation
Innocence a distant past
Cynical current and present
I understand the films
Chinatown and Night Moves better
Jake Gittes and Harry Moseby played by Jack Nicholson and Gene Hackman
Were probably inspired by the lives
Of people like us
And we look up to them
With a sense of satisfaction
We are living them in life
They lived us in character
Which they also borrowed from their lives

this lowest of the low lows of form of employment:
night shifts at Elephant & Castle:
i imagine the Elephant Man... but no castle of ivory:
a day off:
lazy writing:
i wanted some of that
like slow *** with Edie
and Edie breast feeding me:
honey: munch: pooh bear my ditto
i think you are lactose intolerant...

          oh i love lazy writing
and listening to... seminal... music critique comes
out with a: Hello, my name is Bob
tag in a comico-horror movie...
i tried watching a silent movie
two nights ago:
Nosferatu... i tried... i loved the organs...
what a strange medium:
that light came before sound...
maybe that's why silence is so elusive:
alluring:
i once said as a child:
i can't hear silence...
            i can't hear silence...

can i see nothing?
Fire, Water, Earth, Air... Lightning (shh shh)...
hammer weilding lover of words
the ******* Barbarians
the deserts and the high winds
Vikings left us for Valhalla
while the Arabs remained...
but the civilised worlds of men
didn't cherish words and god and the gods
as much as these extremities...
ties to belonging nowhere-homebound
in God a Home an abode:
nomads: i salute you!
Lebanon i cry for the creeping forest
of the North:
with my almighty pines
i will switch them for palms...

from vampire fingers to sticks with *****:
like lucrative Lebowski memes...
spice my life up a little...

so the Vikings were barbarians:
elsewhere the Swedes founded Kyiv:
and i think i was there...
then all the petty squabbles and cobblers
of Rome and Byzantine:
while Arab said to Iraq and Iran
and Syria: hey... bible is too ****** g
*******... i have the Quran...
Quest Ran and rand... sometimes a spontaneous
ghost town in Morocco...

so many denominations and
a monotheism so in splinters
for each a toothpick and a crucifix
to weigh down a spirit in flight...
assunder an d     with hope of drowning
but still swimming...

butterfly: MOTYL
fly: MUCHA...

                 butter in flight? butter is yellow
the white of no colour and the butterfly is
and the fly is... Albanian suss and filter brains...
while England before the Saxons
was like Afghanistan to Americans
like for Ancient Rome:
and seeing modern Italians...
i don't see an inch a grain of Ancient Roman
in them...
Italians are freakish hybrid of
werido... ******* ******... Reyla says...
pasierbica: step-daughter... i think... Fosse...
septology: i think... i thin k:
i sometimes think it's annoying:
annoying is no closing and opening of consciousness:
twos in two and two more apart:
schizoid...
i need for far more brain-cells to die with
my chemistry experiment with alcohol and the body:
pushing limits...
i'm still drinking a LITRE of the "WATER" of "LIFE":
almost every day...
brain is less a concern as KIDNEYS become
something for my palette:
dialisis from Nigerian wisdom...
some covert and CIA zunge tabbing...
i'm thirsty: i want some fire-water...
like spooning honey infused with ****
gob full before the toddler's pool of (the above)...

scuba dive and order an Uber...
people i sometimes mind...
friends like painters and talk of games
and travelling the universe:
talking into the night...

          tic tac toe: spinster: i know she honey
trapped me...
she edited that picture so much i wasn't really
looking at the cleaning and polishing
i was ac tually looking at her psychology:
but then she spinn ed that
           well: can't apply diacritical markers in
the English tongue:
so might as well spice it up
with the antithesis of the apostrophe apostriphe:
some added spice of dyslecia
and X
      couldn't could not
  wouldn't would not
            shouldn't should have not
haven't have not
                   have and heaving heaven:
that's not a haven:
the postmasters of Hell are most economic: ""
pristine in their insomniac duty...

because a new Dandy Warhols' album
is like the reinvention of Eminem
because i don't buy into black culture...
it's rap so boorish and then comes
dyslexic spew boring like Curt Kobain
and yeah x yeah = yeah yeah
while R.E.M. took the **** with a Man
on the Moon...

             post-ethnocide or post-racialism:
when the Spaniards reached South America
and there were black Cubans...
and we said: Latinos are people
of the descent of the Mayans,
            Aztecs... Peruvians i don't remember:
i doubt, therefore i must also negate:
then i think... but then thinking doesn't
percipitate into being: too many thoughts
to posit a pintpoint a coordinate of the whole
of life: i am: but i onl;y come across i am:
when i die...
death unites and clarifies pins and points
on the Globus of the 'Ed...
i don't i do = i am
        i think i don't think: things and no equations...

thinking is not like rain
on the earth of being...
thinking doesn't respect life
thinking is morality and
no amount of haram pork
will confuse you: thinking alone
will do...
   twice over and hello:
bilingualism is nowdays treated
as schizophrenia in England:
or has been... ever since i was:
under scrutiny...

    but then enough ******* circus
allowed the world to be gripped
by... and like paitence is a form of torturing
someone...
i took out two models
in a cascade of words to live by:

the Chinese gold:
treat others like you want to be treated
and
that other one:
the French:
live and let live.