if you can't laugh at disaster you won't be able to celebrate catastrophe

sorry you ****, babe -
probably because you're a lying,
thieving,
attention-seeking *****.
probably because you're an inconsiderate,
inconsistent,
ingenuine little *******.
sorry you had it all coming to you -
sorry everyone's forgotten about you -
sorry you're a miserable excuse for a human being.
sorry you slice up your arms and parade them around
and still no one cares.
sorry you'll stop at nothing for an inch of spotlight,
and still no one gives it to you.
sorry we all know about you now,
sorry you can't handle it,
sorry you had to run away like the
***** you are
because you burned all your friends along with your bridges.
sorry we caught on,
sorry we're not taking it,
sorry you're alone (so all alone).
sorry you can't handle all the
minor inconveniences in your life
with the grace everyone else does,
and sorry you lack the integrity to try.
sorry you have to pretend to be ****** up
(honestly, what in your life
is causing you pain?
is it the parents that love you,
or the friends you could still have?)
sorry you ****, babe -
and i'm sorry i don't give a ****.

Today I smiled
seeing you next
to me when I woke.
You smiled at me,
but lately
they feel
ingenuine.
(Don't you like me?)

Now I smile
because you want
me to meet your
family.
You joke,
but is it
truth?
( I want to)

I'm smiling
I got to kiss
you in public
and hold hands.
Now you're joking
about your roommate
crying and his
emotions.
Do you not want
yours seen?
(I do though)

I used to think that I loved you for
your near-perfection...
But there was just something about
the two of us
Our love was ingenuine, and later,
we realized, impossible

Ironically, it's been the revelations
of your imperfection
That have, I think, made it possible,
for the first time
For us to love- not that we ever
will, not that we ever should
Because, let's face it, it would
probably be awful, it's just-
It's just that your imperfections
Have allowed me to see, once again
Though so much more truly this
time
The possibility of you and of I

So let's get addicted to cigarettes
together, darling
And running, too
In a supreme dialectic of destroying
ourselves from within
While struggling to better ourselves
from without
Something that may be, I think
The ultimate story of ourselves

(Or at least of myself-
I wonder why
I've only ever been truly drawn to
people
By their brokenness...

But perhaps it's better
Not to think about it.)

abaonded by the insinciere
genuine in being ingenuine
my tears
tainted pain that hurts as much as the curling rods hot touch
visible scars serve as inadquted interpretations of the slef inflicted torture
but is it self inflicted?
self inflicted if you were the one that inflicted so much pain in the first place
hours and hours of agony
oh how one longs for the hot rod to take her away from such agony
(get used to being burned, when the devil has his turn)

don't touch me!
ur affection holds none
only using me to get what others can not give to you
                                 wont give you
i want to scream at the affect of your touch
just like the curling rod
just like the knife
just like the razor,
pills,
rope,
needles,
that take my life
you cut into me worse then them all
but i let you
because hurting is 10times better than not hurting at all.

-The Effects of Sarrow

A hitchhiker
On the interstate of love.
It seems,
I am always hanging my thumb out
Searching for something real.
Anything real.
In what seems to me,
A very sad and ingenuine world.
Just as I thought I'd found meaning.
And for those I have loved,
Those I have left, or have gone from me
Was it your or I?

The want to be free.

The relentless
Ingenuine serenades,
Empty
Swirling around my ears
As I try
To encompass
Your entirety,
What energy we share
For your tireless
Unfelt soothsaying
To pile around
Unreceived.

Serenade me,
Whether we share or not,
For I will let peel
The layers of your serenade
And watch
As the energy unveils.
But know that when
Your words are empty,
You should leave.
Because I'm
Beginning to have enough.

It feels ingenuine
presumptuous,
I can call myself a
writer, painter, pianist, singer
but when I create something
and want to share it with the world
I have to give it away.
It belongs to You now-
and it's your place to decide
whether or not
you are moved
compelled
offended
or not.

And if you are
oh criticus prudentibus
You've made it- art.

No one understands something fully
Until they feel it on their own.
He told me I "could stand to lose 10 pounds"-
Didn't know I've already done that.
I know seeing a fat girl starve herself
Is something worthy of a comedy show.
Maybe I should sell tickets.
I don't know why I expect sympathy.
Yet I try to tell a few,
Because I want someone who knows
And can help me be strong,
Maybe I can strengthen them too!
But the only hands offered to me
Are shallow and ingenuine.
They say it caused my depression,
Or maybe depression caused it,
Tell me to take antidepressants
(Which will make me fat).
I only want to be pretty -
To be able to ice skate,
To ride a bike (and look good),
To wear my favorite dresses
Without looking like someone
You would see in a meme.
Most of all,
I'd like people to stop saying
To get over my rich girl's problem
And just say they can relate.

They say that after the Big Bang
It was a myriad of collisions that began to form our universe.
Masses of gasses hurling into each other,
not to explode and dissipate
but to violently combine and form
the entirety of existence.

On one of the floating specks
Formed from those chemical crashes
I exist
Constantly searching
for something
anything
with which to collide.

Dark, warm bed
After bed
After bed,
Ingenuine, primal ******
after ******
after ******,
and I return to my cluttered mind
More unsatisfied and lost than before each orchestrated clash.

My biggest fear has always been car crashes.
Stories of dead families strewn across a ****** highway have haunted my nightmares since I could strap in my own carseat.
But they also say fear is love
and now at twenty,
I embody
Shards of broken glass
more than a walking soul shell
that mistaken minds call a body.

And as I lay touched and swollen,
with the taste of too many someones' in my mouth,
I think I might crash a car into a star and see if maybe then
instead of aching as a million pieces I become violently whole.

People chatters, smatters,
clatters, flatters-
and sometime hugs,
as fake as their smiles.

They dilute, salute,
pollute, elute-
and sometime thugs
as ingenuine as their personalities.

Listen to me when I say that we have a choice
There was a time in my life I dreamed of my own bleeding heart
Spurting insignificant blood, just another body on this planet, just another ****** watery existence soaking up Earth’s resources, love from others like a water bottle with no bottom where everything just feels empty at the end of the day, being idle and quiet on the outside with a storm raging on the inside, unable to make sense of everything- so incredibly overwhelmed by the immense pain surrounding me and so incredibly disconnected from the person I used to be- one who truly believed in her own power and the power of those around her.
When I lost my strength and my belief, I lost my understanding that I can make a difference
Who I am today is different than the person I was a year ago, and while that shakes my bones
What keeps me alive is knowing that for every bad thing I have done, there is more good
For every mistake I have made, there are successes
We can’t live our lives focused on our downfalls
Or we will only fall down
We must as Denzel says “fall forward”
I spent too much time allowing thoughts like I didn’t deserve a place on this earth to win over all good thoughts
Triumphed in the battle of wits
All mixed up and twisted in my mind
Chasing momentary happiness and fulfillment, never finding it in smiles and moments of joy because a  heavy cloud was drowning my head with rain....but ive always loved rain
In the chaos of a world filled with turmoil, chaos, injustice, and fear
We live in between each other
Avoiding stares
Avoiding each other
Unless we need something from another
In the margins of each other’s lives
And here, in a country where we have the money and the time and the energy to make a difference
We drain ourselves emotionally down black holes of our own worlds
It’s amazing the way that movements are sparked based on one root idea
It spreads like fire and in so many directions
From one original piece
Like the “all you need is love” and you may say im a dreamer but im not the only one
Dreams are incredible things, if only we use them to create a better tomorrow
Instead of hoplessly helplessly waiting for tomorrow to come to us
We all live so selfishly
And I know this from my own selfish beating heart
But my beating heart tells me that I am here for a purpose so far beyond money, success, and even personal growth

Personal is absolutely important, but until we completely forget ourselves
Sacrifice and surrender ourselves to the issues at hand
That is when and only when we can truly make a difference
When we are determined
To take action today, and know that the seeds we plant will not grow those fruits tomorrow
But that we can imagine farther down the line that the world will be a better place
And knowing that future generations can make a bigger impact after that

I believe we are all system busters
There is so much wrong in the way we work
And constant reminders of the pain, suffering, tyranny, and sadness in the world
And if we turn a blind eye to that and continue to be fogged up by our own sadness and pain
We will become walking zombies
We are all walking zombies
Here for a mission
To make our lives mean so much more than individual relationships, control, and power
We are here to love each other, to stand together, to grow community and laugh in the face of despair
The only way we are ever going to get out of this perpetual darkness is if we awaken in ourselves the most positive, the one who believes in every action making a change
For it is only when we believe we are makng a change that we can
It is only when we lose hope that all hopes of change are lost


And I sometimes think I am insignificant
In the sea of voices echoing each other
We need to hear your story,
we need every voice
We need every single heart
For every movement
And you might feel connected to many movements
But the only way to make those movements stay powerful is if your voice is heard
So we want to hear you
and we need your ears to listen
to take a backseat

I know what it feels like to look around east and west and for miles it feels like no one will listen to your truth
Or you feel like your truth is unimportant
Or you feel like giving up all hope in yourself that you can make that difference
But we are only powerful as we
If we can lose ourselves in each other, if we can give to each other the gift of believing


I have been hanging onto negative words and emotions like they are the only things I really have
Facing my demons every single day
Who tell me that my life is not worth living
That my heart is evil
That my words are empty
That my soul is ingenuine and manipulative
Whispers to me that I do not deserve to be here
Whispers to me that no one really likes me
Tells me my mistakes
And yells at me for waking up

So when I finally get some quiet and peace is when I am asleep, then I live in my dreams
I am relieved of the burden of being human
And those aren’t better places but they are escpaes, because no matter what happens there
I do have to face it once I wake up

and here i am, awake, and open, and trying
to face today
with the hope
and the strength to fight

when i see photos of him
his smile does not radiate
like it used to

so i sigh
and look at an old photo

to remember
when he was like sunshine.

One can hear the ingenuine
Consolations as yet another person
Succumbs to despair;
Faceless, nameless, blank, and distant,
Another person succumbs to despair.
We only know by the uptick
In certain metrics that
There will be one less consumer
Come tomorrow, tears shed
For dollars lost.
A controversial opinion, that suicide
Is bravery taken to its extreme,
But, when at the shores of the Rubicon
And a stone must be cast,
The strongest willed, the most charitable
Will cast theirs as everyone else commiserates
******* the stones around their necks,
Watching the soft taps on the water’s surface,
Farther and further into the distance.
The egoist in the ivory tower
Can hear their wailing from inside
The sterile room without window or door,
And, to protect himself, slips
Ammo into the cracks—
Those closest to the base
Grab fistfuls of cash and arms
To protect their own millstones,
Their livelihoods as sparks begin to fly:
Who to blame is the first question
******* them, the next,
While others see the ruse behind
Ritual suicide at the loss of the stone,
Some others turn to pity—
But, those unwilling to protect their leash
Are sacrificed to the gun-happy mongrels,
The rebels of the capitalist’s first vanguard
As they wave their blood-soaked flags
High, knowing the millstones
Rightly belong to the faceless victor in his tower;
Suicide is nothing more than theft, he says.
Thus the vanguard follows
Pulling the unwitting in
As they start fires with friction
And get lost in the smoke and mirrors,
Killing the wrong people—

"Confused, ingenious, or was that…?"
Ingenuine,
ingenue
- say it
nuengine image imagined, whined a high note
engineered imagineer error
red line
somewhere whistle this-away this-ah-say,
see a whole world at play,
esse, assay worth
play 'em the old songs never sung
any better
redoing all the old dances, yes, as in yes, t'day.

Fun items added in since sopho-more, English,
as led, edu-cated, mind you, hand written
note
" will you settle for mediocre?" abuse, from a teacher
who would tell an aspiring nobody,
such a possibility exists, just
Sue Ellen Stapp, star of some place in Texas,
standard townsquare post final flag
risen for us to serve under,
we were warriors,
always, farmers sort of,  some years,
enough to get by, without trying.

Mind wandering paladins, sometimes, we think.
The character dressed in black has an attitude infectious,

why, I wonder,
should I care? There, I answer, should and shall, sha'n't we
make some sense of this? Shall I or should you,
whose to do, eh, much
about nothin'. Nothin's t'do t'day. it's so.

Man must make a living some men say.
Man must find a living other men say.
Man must live, or go away

banished from touch or kind word, from now

on to now, one day being all we take away,
live this one, or pretend any day you wish is this one,
called today.

Okeh.

My job is not yours, and when I die, the winds
return on their circuits to be the legacy
of legendary souls, said to be
heirs of the wind. {due to trouble…}

Yeh,
ghost riders, in the sky,
yip…
---------------------
we, I say, in awe, a we has been, mani
infesting

many many means made up as mind that matters,
means to ends, maps and steps
right, usually
- some sequence of events -
- some informing occurs, the we or me

Morning ritual, daily doings, done your way
any we
we wake in and have no former self aware in, forming me
from what you think we see.
a we.
o so strange the state, awe arriven through a slit
in the curtain, started then,
some certain number measurings ago, counting slow

a pin hole

backwards, ah, first ether egg.
In a terracotta plant ***,
a me, recalls the sense of that being,
reassuring, in me, even drugged to painless
state,
things believable appear as I think,
and sometimes remain visible, to this eye

think I say to some part of myself, remember this,
it helps,
someday, because it always helps to remember this,
painless state safe as sound in times embrace

comingling in cognosis space, co know co know
reknown,
no crown, not of laurel nor thorns nor light,

for now is night and all confusion settles to form
tomorrow's sunrise reflection.

I'm ingenuine.
Disingenuous.
...whatever.

Diner.
Dinerettes.
Grace me,
I'm your
favorite.

Serve me, I tip well.
Now show me your *****,
I won't tell.

God I want
To taste it,
to dip
into you.

welcome to your parody!
people-pleasing in fakeness,
forced laugh track atmosphere,
a projection party of bodys and minds,
some ingenuine fellowship against
false villians.

fly higher and soar deeper and love in a collective nest.
hopefully you'll figure out the rest.