I sit entranced by the silver screen
To watch and wait for your eyes,
To peer on out, as I sit and dream,
Between the clouds in my skies.
I’ve carried you in my heart so long
Without a kiss from your lips,
But sat and sighed till I almost died
For a touch from your fingertips.

I’ve traced the gentle curve of your cheek,
The noble arch of your brow,
The slow spread of the smile that said:
‘I want to be with you, now.’
I’ve watched the tears that we both have shed
For the years that were lost in time,
When you could well have belonged to me,
Or I could have made you mine.

But time and distance are so unfair,
I see you, bright like a star,
One I could wear in my buttonhole
If only it wasn’t so far.
We both reach out and we touch the screen
I trace my fingers on yours,
One day we’ll see, what will be, will be,
But your camera’s set on pause.

David Lewis Paget

It was a Monday afternoon...

4th period, first semester 10th grade. Drafting class.

You hated the class. And I... didn't.

But we had fun anyway. I had a headphone splitter and while we worked we watched YouTube videos together. You introduced me to Panic! At The Disco, My Chemical Romance, All Time Low, Bring Me The Horizon, Black Veil Brides, And Jon Cozart.

And I showed you FadeIntoCase, Dodie Clark, and whatever YouTube had to offer that interested me.

Our friendship was good. We never had to worry about boyfriends or girlfriends, we were just kids. But I guess looking back, I can say that we were definitely better people than most.

I feel bad about that one day you were rewatching the Deadpool trailer over and over. You asked me what Deadpool video we should watch next.

And I told you I thought you should calm down.

You pulled the headphone splitter out your computer and chucked it my way. A sudden disconnect. I immediately apologized and when I realized you didn't want to hear it, I stopped trying to get your attention.

I know that's a stupid memory, but I still feel bad about it for some reason.

But I also remember that Monday afternoon that would test our friendship. We were in class and you were... not there, mentally I mean.

You were crying and I felt like something needed to be done. So I went and asked the teacher to let you go... and he did. As soon as I told you, you left.

And I felt bad. I knew I did the right thing, but I felt bad because I was going out of my way to make life better for someone I truly care about. It was overwhelming but I did it anyway.

I took your bag and waited for you outside the classroom. But you didn't show up. I found another friend and began crying in her arms, telling her how I couldn't do it anymore. Eventually you did find me, you took your bag and left.

I felt bad because I felt like my efforts went unappreciated time and time again. But they weren't.

I went home to write the song "At what cost?", which I performed the next day. You asked me why you hadn't heard the song before. I told you I wrote it after what happened. And I promised to send you every song I'd write from then on. And I did.

I still do.

I wrote you letters and cigarettes, I meant everything I wrote. And now where are we?

During the musical, I made and effort to wish you good luck before your big song, every single show. Every show...

You baked me cupcakes for my birthday.

The last time we FaceTimed was a Monday night. We listened to Disney music while you worked on art. You offered to FaceTime... I felt lucky that you would want to hang out with someone like me.

I would give you a hug everyday before leaving school at the end of the day...

In the last cigarette you gave me for my birthday you wrote "I couldn't ask for a better person to go to France with."

And I believed you.

So while we were in France. I can only remember watching a part of an episode of Riverdale with you and thinking to myself, "she still cares... we're okay".

We played games of 31 and that felt normal. But then we played cards in a different crowd and suddenly I didn't feel safe around them. I felt judged, by them, by you.

I don't even know if the locks mattered to you. You gave the letters back as if they didn't matter... I don't know how to fix this.

I remember walking slower to get the attention of a guy. And you saw me walking by myself and tried starting a conversation with me. I told you I was in the middle of another conversation. So you left me to try and talk to him.

You even said, "It's been awhile since we've talked." AND YOU WERE RIGHT!!

I should've stayed back and talked to you.

I wish I did.

I still care about you. So much so that I'm willing to leave you if it'll make you happy. I'm sorry.

How much I remember makes me cry because I will never be able to take back everything I did wrong. And now it's too late.

When I asked you if you thought we'd still be friends after high school, you said you didn't know.

And I believed you. But I still hold out the smallest bit of hope. Everyday, that you'll tell me it's gonna be okay, and that our friendship didn't just...

Pass by...

That I was somebody to you.

On your birthday, at the stroke of midnight, I texted you saying happy birthday the same way I did the year before. And you just said, "Thank you".

So I guess...

Thank you for being there. Thank you for existing. Thank you for being my friend. And if, in the future, I do make things right and we become close again, than maybe I can drop this guilt and shame for what I did.

Because I need too know...

If I'm worth your friendship all over again.

I'm sorry I ******* up. And if I could do it all over again, I would. And I would make all the right choices, making our lives better.

And if this really is the end. I just hope that you listen to my songs once in a while and remember me as someone who wrote a couple good songs for you.

Because "Rush" is still my best piece of work. And it's yours.

One of my year long sophomore subjects will be physics. At first, physics seems to be a menagerie of big, boring universal ideas and immutable laws rendered practically unimportant by their scale.

Peter, ok, let’s call him my boyfriend - just as a place-holder - is working on his “Doctorate in Applied Physics,” degree. “Will you help me with my physics homework?” I asked, hopefully.
“I’m sure we can work something out,” he assures me, wiggling his eyebrows suspiciously.

Peter got to visit the Hadron Collider, in Geneva, this summer. When I FaceTimed him he was as animated as a girl at drama camp. He was all, “proton collisions, Higgs bosons, top quarks and massive particles, bla, bla, bla..”
“That’s ok, I said, “If you’d rather not talk about it, I understand.”

Seriously though, I get it. Physics teaches critical thinking and problem solving. Fluid dynamics and pressure-volume-resistance relationships apply to the circulatory system. Pressure-volume curves can apply to lung function, heat transfer is applicable to frostbite, hypothermia and fevers - nuclear physics applies to nuclear medicine (SPECT, PET scans and radiation therapy and lasers) - yatta, yatta yatta.

But why ME, oh, lord?

I’ve been trying to convince myself that this isn’t the end
but as I pour my heart into this text I can’t bring myself to hit send,
the suffering of unsaid words shivers in my spine
and I’m left to lay in my bed and think of simpler times
when I could safely say you were mine and we were happy.
I wanted us to be happy but we were both struggling and still are,
in the same ways but differently.
It’s difficult to comprehend but
we both fight just to get out of bed and I can’t help but wonder
if we shared one instead of FaceTimed when we fell asleep,
it’d somehow be easier.
Or maybe we’d still be in this place,
only afraid to leave the house in fear we’d see each other’s face.
Instead I hear your name called when you’re nowhere to be seen
and am left with the reminders of what could have been.
You say I’m still yours and only need time to get your life in line
so I can safely call you mine
but there is no safety in silence when there are words left unsaid.
I wish I could reach through my speaker when you call
and say you’re feeling low, rip the weights from your chest
so we can let our worries go but I can’t and I’d still suffer.
Silently.
Secretly.
I keep saying this is fine but the words come out a lie
as I lay in my unwashed sheets and cry until I can’t breathe.
They burn my throat as I smoke another cigarette thinking
maybe if I smoke another something else can take my breath away
but when I fell for you
I found myself struggling to get the air into my tired lungs.
I already struggled to breathe from the bad habits and lack of sleep
but you changed the feeling in such a way
I convinced myself I was happy.
And you made me happy.
Blissful, content, I wanted to hold you
and realized life doesn’t have to end on a bad note,
but it came crashing back when the sun went down
and you started saying less when we’d call.
I know you never meant to hurt me,
it’s just the stresses from your head pounding relentlessly
until it bruised your heart too,
making it weary and unready for the love I tried to give.
I know I gave too much and there were limitations I tried to ignore
because I am the fool I am and still believe love is enough
but reality has finally set in that there are things we can’t control
that can make it so impossible to love from this far.
I want to better myself and my spending habits
so I can finally sleep in your bed,
but wants are different from possibilities and
until I know what’s going on
when I suddenly lose my sense of direction
and all hope of tomorrow
I don’t want you to have to try pulling me back into reality
when you aren’t so sure of what it is yourself.
So when you fall asleep tonight know you’re on my mind, too,
and I could never bring myself to hate you.
Know I hate the places we’re in and
the emptiness we feel even when others try
so desperately to fill those voids,
and the fact that love truly can’t stop it from devouring our minds.
I love you endlessly and I will never give up on that thought,
as you have shown me what I deserve,
and it’s not that it isn’t enough,
it’s just too far out of reach for me to accept.
You are the reason I get out of bed when I finally do
because despite the circumstances
I still want to believe that this isn’t the end.
That things could turn around tomorrow
and we will be happy
and not so scared
of giving each other
everything
without worry of our hearts
and our heads.

“
1. When I watched my favorite tv shows and movies hoping every character in love would be us one day.
2. When I started writing about you. Lyrics, poems, letters. It was all for you. I was never poetic before, but **** you gave me something to write about.
3. When I was crying outside, because my brain convinced me I didn’t deserve life and you just took one look at me about to cry, picked me up, and spun me in circles until I cried of laughter.
4. When you wiped away my tears in algebra after my best friend stabbed me so hard in the back my heart fell out of my chest.
5. When our conversations kept me wide awake, until the sun’s rays flooded my room, wondering what I was feeling. I knew I didn’t just think of you as a friend anymore.
6. When you FaceTimed me for hours after I broke to make sure I had someone to help me put myself back together. You wouldn’t let me fall apart.
7. When I couldn’t breathe after you’d surprise me by hugging me from behind at my locker or holding my waist as we walked from lunch.
8. When you called me at midnight asking if I was home, because you needed a hug. The moonlight lit up your face and the stars were nothing compared to your eyes.
9. When your touch set fire to my skin and your words set off explosions in my heart.
10. When she hurt you I wanted to break open her ribcage and fill it with dead flowers, because she was killing your soul.
11. When I held on to you. Even when you loved her after she tried to break you.
12. When I defended our friend to her boyfriend and he cussed me out and you told him that you’d break open your knuckles into his face if he ever talked to me like that.
13. When your brother was driving crazy to be silly and you told him he could drive like that with you in the car, but never with me.
14. When your smile made me feel alive, and your tears made me feel dead inside.
15. When your happiness became so important I felt it override mine.
16. When you told me you needed to leave and I agreed so you could find what you were looking for - I knew it wasn’t me.
17. When I told you to fight for her. Fight until it either works out or you realize she isn’t worth fighting for anymore.
18. When I saw your flaws.
19.When you saw my flaws.
20. When you said, “Love you,” and I said, “Love you too, buddy.”
21. When I realized I loved you over 20 different times, but didn’t say a word because I knew I wasn’t the one who made you happy.
”
—  When I knew I loved you. (All 21 times)

You were supposed to be my guide.
I was the one to tuck you into bed tonight.
I was the one who watched the sunset turn to day.
That night you kissed my lips I knew we’d be okay.
I thought I’d spend my nights with you we’d cuddle all the time.
I thought that within your love i would reside.

I used to be the one you called till five.
We used to sing songs of stars and walks at night.
Now you’re gone I don’t know how to stay alive.
I used to ask why you cried at night.
I was always willing to drive to your side
I don’t know how to say goodbye.

I remember the nights you hold me tight.
In your arms.
I reach my arm around your back.
You said I’m cold don’t hold back.
That night I kissed your lips.
Then I left you in my mind.

Tears filling the gaps I couldn’t reside.
You say your fine with how you are.
I’m fine with me and myself and I.
What about how we used to be?
I remember when we FaceTimed until three.
And then I'd sleep.

You’d laugh and say just go to bed.
I’d say I’m tired but please bother me.
No one is rather break my heart.
But you.
And you’ve done it too.

You say "I’ll never leave your side."
Now you’ve gone and done it too.
Even though it was a one time deal.
It’s hard enough to lose you.
I can’t imagine what I’d do if you found someone else for you.

I don’t think I could ever go back to the way that we used laugh. The way I used to hold you in my arms.
I’d think back and see how you broke my heart.
I would never trust again.
Not to do it all again.

I know it’s not just you who deceived.
Your parents and society.
I would have never stopped loving you.
If you wanted me to.

Now you’re a different person in my mind.
I loved the something, something inside.
You used to be the one I held so tight.
Now another friend waves goodbye.

Cause it’s not like you changed your face your name or the way you walk.
But when I see your face you’ve changed from the someone I used to hold.
I thought I’d never fall in love.

There’s no more love to hold my heart.
No more love to hold me when I cry.
No more love to kiss me late at night.
No more love to warm my freezing mind.
Goodbye my love.
Goodbye my life.
I’ll live on.
Live on without you.
But I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone to replace.

we facetimed
and it was hilarious
lip reading and asl
to communicate
cause you had poor connection.

i
listened to 4 morant
on repeat
not
letting the xannies
hit the bottom
before i took some more
and facetimed
my friends
laughing
lets sneak out
graze our knees
on the griptape
of our new skateboards
and the tarmac
its 2 am
im coming
stand under the window
to my bedroom
second floor
laughing
and catch me
when i try to get down
ready?
im nervous
------------------------------



-----------------------­----------            oh no

---------------
----                  i let go



-------------------         ****

SMACK                                               the worst pain i've ever felt


no this wasn't supposed to happen


-------------------------

-----------                  ­           i landed on the tiles i feel broken


----------------


my back hurts
somethings wrong
****
-                                                        blood everywhere
-
-
****
-
-                                  i thought i was a god
-
i broke it
-
-                                                           i can't feel my arm
-
my back's broken where are my friends
-                                                        ­                       they were never here
**** help help help
they can't hear me
-
-
mum? dad? they'll be so mad
-
-                                                         what do i do
what if i die
what if i never walk again
----

its blurry
call an ambulance
-----                        you're not supposed to move

WHY CAN'T THEY HEAR ME