You peered into the camera once,
And you cried
And I held you

I should have realized then
That all the love in the world
Would not make the damnest difference

my mind is constantly going
going and going and going
worried about the day head
and still trapped in yesterday
i'm always dreaming about the future
but hardly do I sleep
even though i walk this earth in a visibly awoken state
subconsciously unknowingly
my sanity is weak
trust a higher power is what they say
but even that we cannot see or touch
who's to say god is real anyway?

walk with me

let me show what it is i speak
because to explain in spoken word is something not of my expertise
so i will paint you a picture in poetry
place yourself in cloth sneakers
standing in the middle of the rain
arms open wide head tilted back
and when the lightening strikes
you'll feel a wave of pain
you see the storm will let up, and you'll see a slight break in the clouds
but you'll never fully see the sun
that's what my life is like now

and in all this going and going and going
i must rest my weary head
while nightmares make the best of bad weather
planting the damnest of seed as slight as a feather

fear
worry
fright
anger
sadness
happiness
delight
sickne­ss
wellness
day
night
grief
loathing
pity
spite
jealousy
hatefuln­ess
weakness
fight
acceptance
willingness
wrong
right

if there's anything you haven't felt
at some moment you will feel
for the mind is a tricky being that may fascinate you into your very own doom
because in your waking life
you won't know what is and isn't real

walk with me

i think about life
i think about death
i think about time i've wasted
i think about time i have left
i think about my future
i think about my past
i think about my happiness
i think how long it may last
i think about god
i think about faith
i think about my love
i think how long will he stay
i think about who i am
i think of who i am to be
i think of my imprisonment
i think of being free
i think of my thoughts
i think of my fears
i think of leaving this place
i think as if i'm still here

who's to say i've succumb to my mind
i am well aware that what i search for
may be something i'll never find

peace

does it truly exist?
or is it a place in our imagination?
a place of harmonic endeavors
a place where our souls may finally
seek self proclamation
a place we may finally rest our hearts
in full adoration and acclamation

what's that you say?
peace?

walk with me

I've been in some pretty big fights with the people I love the most in my life, yet time after time we find ourselves unscathed, undamaged, and unflustered. Patching the pain I fortuitously cause others isn't some errand I bitterly await, it seems like more of a human duty.

I never have a hard time fixing things that are broken in my life. A glass shattered on the floor this morning, & now it sits stitched flawlessly on the shelf.

It just feels right to leave something the way I found it, or at least try my damnest to get it near perfect. It really is the try that matters.

And I just don't understand how it can be... so easy for me to say I'm sorry, while it's somehow so easy for you to unapologetically lacerate every inch of my sympathetic soul.

How can you fail
At something that calls to you;
Calls to your core?

How can you fail
When you try your damnest?
When you give everything you have?

How can you fail
If you want something so much?
If you believe it to be your future?

How can you fail
When all you've given for a year and a half
Hasn't been enough?

How can I fail
If all I want is to succeed
And to have a future?

early morning at the
coffee house
toasted sesame bagel with jam and cream
cheese
coffee and cigarettes
crazy sparrows jumping in the hedges
of the patio
you and the old men
steaming cups, unraveled
weekend edition of the newspaper
on tabletops
you and the sweet, quiet old men
only they understand

going for a long walk
you hear two boys shuffling behind on their
way
to soccer practice
singing about the sunny side
of the street
your blood sings with them
blood is not of a violent
theme
not today
it's what keeps you alive
keeps you moving along
loving more
wild smile on your face as if you know
the damnest joke
a real good knee-slapper
a killer
of all solemn thoughts and
a promiser to
to be better, behavior and heart
a re-fertilized mind
from now on and ever

entering the city
the day smells of beach nights
lingering scent of sunscreen, sand, dark ***,
vanilla cigarellos
the light turns green and you
step off the sidewalk
catching yourself in the
reflection of a skyscraper 
emerging
from a busting, exploding crowd
looking like you always wished you would
a ballerina on-the- go

you are not a ballerina
but you whisper thanks and
keep the magic of today in your back pocket
like a paycheck
you've been owed

try your damnest to not show fear.
If you do, they're going to eat you alive.
So you put on a brave face,
Trying to make others believe they don't affect you.
Trying show that you can rise above the torment.

But they see right through it.
They just let you make a fool of yourself.
Silently laughing at your pain.
Your agony.

Your brave face begins to crumble over time.
Leaving a tear stained face.
Leaving you exposed and
Vulnerable.
Why?
Because you didn't have the strength to go on.
Because you're tired of trying.

If this world is a game,
a challenge to the death.
I'm just another tribute and you're the same,
each of us competing to take the other's last breath.
Only one will win they say,
only one comes out alive.
I go knowingly into a bloodbath this day,
and I'll try my damnest to thrive.
But you're doing it too,
just trying to live.
From this evil we withdrew,
an alliance is all I can offer; all I can give.
Friendship sparks,
fates collide.
Upon this unknown path we must embark,
and defeat the others in stride.
The journey's at it's end,
but the rules the same.
Only one will be Victor; only one to glory asend,
so one more death to close the game.
Defiance wins,
no more a pawn in this charade.
We know what the consequences will be; what will happen,
even with one nightmare done; another has just been made.
We'll get to live and see another day,
but there are now far worse games to play.

I'm fighting tears
My older brother
Laying in a hospital bed
Infection on a heart valve
Doctors saying I dont care
He's states away
*** am I supposed to
Make a 25 year old man
Take his medicine
When he's too busy getting high
Trying to survive this world
***** of a mother
More friend and foe
Bundled into a sunk in face
And fat rolls buckling knees
You're ******* kidding me
If you think I'll let him die
I'll pay his way out here
Have him move in with me
Straighten out his life
Because I'd rather get buried first
It could happen
I could lose my brother
The guy that tried to **** me
When I was only two
The guy I dropped on his head
Because he decided to steal from me
Sure he's not the perfect person
Or the ideal roommate
But he's still my family
And I'll be ******
If I let him die
When the rest dont care about him
Sure he's a drug addict
Like that ***** that gave birth to us
So what that he has a tendency
To be a complete *******
But I'll try my damnest
To see that he lives longer than me
It could happen
And I'm too far to do a **** thing
If it happens
Two bodies will be buried
That woman who says she's a mother
And my brother

As a Human
I have done Many things I Feel *Guilt* for!
I Feel Pain from so Many things!
(the damnest of things..)

Memories of True Happiness! Memories which *Makes Life Worth Living..*

BUT,

We Are Só often Lost...
Because of Bad Ones..

* We are Nothing More than the Memories we keep...

It doesn't seem like this **** should even really matter, increasingly disturbing thoughts that lately I have begun to gather. Way down deep inside I shove these feelings and emotions I refuse to let show. If I could just give it to God perhaps I might be able to let some of it go. My body has already been  by this cancer  invaded. Its progression can't be delayed or eradicated. Quite unsure what to even think I spend every moment I am awake trying to get faded. I try to forget that probably sooner than  later I'll start. Fading right to black the dark thoughts that no matter how I wish I can't just take back. Unfortunately this is no fabrication this is straight fact. Maybe years from now they'll dig me up like an artifact. Who the **** know maybe I will make it out scathed integrity still mostly intact. It's not for myself that I even really hold concern For in death I have no more lessons to learn. It's about all the loved ones that I'll be leaving behind. In so many places that are usually most unkind the things that get twisted up and rattle around inside my head leave me more than just a little perplexed. I think the hardest part in not knowing what do expect. I wish I knew someone that could tell me what is coming next. Will my loved one be those that will pine as I burn and perish will the memories they have of me be among the moments that they cherish. It's all still somewhat nightmarish. This body's merely a vessel. I have no doubt to glory my spirit will surely fly. Imanage going up, up do much higher and faster than dare I. No need for anymore alibis  no more lullabies. Just this darkness as they close my eyes. No questions no more lies. Not another misconception. This is my last masquerade costume I adorn to play the final charade. I would go completely naked if I knew I would be covered by the nights shade. For ghosts that for years now have been faceless most of my cherished heroes have been hasitaly traded I know for a while now I have been watching the world with eyes pretty **** jaded. More than it actually is it sounds so complicated. I can not help the things that I have contemplated. On my heart it has been heavily weighed how to tell those I behold goodbye. That's going to be the hardest on me myself I am beside. I pray I said.y peace as u accept this possible fate perhaps for the solace and salvation I'm already too **** late how do I know that heaven and hell are really even real will it be there that my forever wounds will finally heal my emotions I will continue to conceal everything is beginning to look kind of surreal on bent knees in prayer I kneel no more full circles will I turn. In the spreading flames I'll no longer burn. I had often wondered when the time I borrowed would adjourn.  Answers the questions I ponder is something for which I desperately yearn. When completely I am gone will my spirit walk and linger on though this purgetory of broken fairytales or will the devil himself come drag ble straight to hell. It's now I quite badly wish for those worlds that were somehow parallel I am for sure of at least one thing I'm getting off this **** carasoul if not this entire Merry go round. I am  like a stero wired for ******* sound. Head in the clouds I drag my feet along the ground never am I coming down maybe myself
I will find out if I just **** around. maybe in what I seek what I need will actually be found.  Deeper down that ever before the dark thoughts I am compelled to hide most of all I look forward to possibly kicking it with my cousin that's on the other side. that alone stays my hand from suicide. It's those kinds of thoughts in which I have no left I can confide. Since once again I am at a loss that has turned into another epic fail though I tried to no avail. In the wind I can almost hear the banshees wail. Falling in reverse from the sky in a spinning of the tail. Dance with the devil in the tainted moon light that was rather pale. Surrounded by all the smoke that has quickly grown long since stale white noise I hear the static in my head it's driving me sane for that is when I get the craziest.  This purple the fogs quite hazy. Sort of like the twilight zone to each their own me and Rod sterling walk side by side wandering lost.  While these spirits give me chase. Inside these outer limits of this Peyton place where I am constantly attempting to save face as I continuously fall from this side of my saving grace. Like the smoke and fog I should disappear without another trace no **** evidence no **** case. go on you do as you dare eventually I will have to get going it doesn't matter going where remaining my biggest question is anyone that's here right now really even all there. Forget the **** dog of the owner beware doing my damnest not to start sinking into my utter despair on me war the creatures I conjured declare my nerves are raw and completely bare for this journey I cannot prepare times now running short so I this world of nothing but opportunity and plenty air I choose to hit the **** **** while into this nothing i stare. I cross my heart on my soul I swear I appreciate every single prayer. Do not cry for me when I am gone do not morn for me today. Just like s gently flickering flame that's burning out slow Rocking my last bowl the insufferable pain burns deeper this hole in my already dark barren soul. I am colder and corrupt the older I grow. Do tell what else does anyone else need to know.