I used to be your sun
The only star in your day
That burns in the sky
But now I'm your moon
Who watches you over
Quiet in the shadows
Not a star anymore
Just someone you pass by
Because now I'm only
A single part of the night
That fades along with the dark
And no longer the reason
For you to wake up

Afraid  of  this  miserable  world
I  found  peace  in  my  loneliness
Discouraged by the society
And being an insecure mess
To  be  lonely  I  guess,
is  simply  the  best.

I hate this feeling. The feeling of being empty. The feeling of loneliness. Feeling that no one will ever truly love you for who you are as a person. Feeling that your never gonna experience real love. Feeling that you're never good enough for anyone. It ***** you know, feeling like no ones meant for you, feeling like your gonna be alone for the rest of your life. Feeling that you’ll never find someone that truly understands you. I'm sick and tired of all these temporary relationships.
I'm tired of being ‘in love’ with someone for only two months and then being let down in the end. I'm tired of it. I wish I couldn't care less about being in love with someone and  I wish I could stop worrying about finding someone. But love doesn't work like that with me. I'm hopeless. Its so stupid, you know?
The idea of love. Its pathetic. I honestly wish it never existed sometimes. I get so lonely. And it kills me slowly and slowly each and every day. It gnaws at my insides, tearing me up piece by piece. But no one knows that. Because on the outside, i'm cold. Heartless. Couldn't care less about love. But on the inside, that’s what I crave for the most.
And no one realizes that. No one does. Its funny because I can tell why someone acts a certain way around people and I help them through it and i'm always the one who's there for everyone because i'm the only person who can listen to them and truly feel empathetic towards them and can help them.
But when it comes to me its like no one even tries because they all think I don’t have problems and that I never get lonely and that i'm so strong but in reality i'm not and i need someone too but there's no one there for me because like I said, there's no one meant for me and I don’t know i'm just so so very lonely and I need someone but there's no one there but myself. So the only thing I can do is what I've been doing for the past nine years now: take care of myself, without anyone else. Because its just me, and **its always gonna be just me.

11/26/2013

I'm beginning
to realize
how alone
I really am

and how
alone,
is what
I've always
been

and honestly,
I think I'm
partly okay
with that

my best mates
have always
been
these walls,
this computer,
and the pages
in every book
I've ever laid
my eyes upon

I've always
found myself
to be quite
lonely

little did
I realize
that I had
everything
I needed

I've found
comfort,
in knowing
that these
pages can
not up and
leave me

they cannot
decide to hate
me

or ban me
from their
pithy lives

they cannot
judge me
or deem me
unsatisfactory

I have found
comfort,
in knowing
that these
walls
can not walk,
and can not think,
and can not judge,
and most
of all,
I have found
comfort
in knowing that
these walls
can not
talk*

I've learned,
over the years,
to live
alone,
inside my
own mind,
not to worry
about others

I've learned
to keep to
myself

I've found
things to
keep my
occupied

and most
important
of all,
I've learned
you can not
let your
emotions
and feelings
depend on
those around
you

because they
will fail you

every time,
they will
fail you

you must learn
to live
with yourself,
you must learn
that your mind
is an oasis,
an escape,
a paradise,
that does not
need to
depend on
anyone else,
but yourself
to be happy

© 2013 Scarlet Van Allen

I’ve got this insistent need
To constantly feed
That hungry emotion
Inside of me
I can’t seem to stave
The things I crave
I’m feeling alone
And I need to save
Me from myself
Cause I’m trapped inside
My mind and my heart  
Simply won’t subside
So here I sit
Just like a clone
But in the end
It’s me alone.

“I want the sun,
to rise in the east,
and set in the west,
I want to be the best,
at my worst,
I want to be the oceans,
and the land,
I want to be the skies,
and the birds,
and the relation is simple,
you see,
I want people to smile at me,
but not look me in the eyes,
I want people to talk to me,
but only with their mouths,
not hearts,
I want to adore the flowers,
on the sidewalk,
alone,
but sometimes,
I wish someone was beside me,
to tell me,
how there is still more beauty to come,
I want to be left alone,
yet I crave attention,
and it’s not as easy,
as it seems,
because solitude is a choice,
but the skies look so beautiful today,
friendship is a choice,
but the skies look beautiful today,
no sure certainty of tomorrow,
and as much as I want to be left alone,
I want this heart to beat for others too.”

They say that over time, it dissipates -
it will drain from you, evaporate like smoke.
It will descend upon you, destroy you;
but will soon release you, and fade.

But with time it instead grows stronger,
demanding to be felt.
It knocks on the doors of my soul,
its urgency to be let inside unrelenting and ruthless.

Like an unpredictable storm, it lands and ravages,
leaving just fragments of a heart already rebuilt.
What is gone is the will;
the resiliency dulled, the courage spent.

It's a deep-rooted ****, an unrivaled opponent;
It's a malevolent fire that refuses to be smothered.
The Hurt:
a wound that permeates, and remains.