I have been looking for the words
to describe this feeling for 26 days
and they didn't come to me until
you left me to be with her.
I told you that I wanted you to be
happy, and god do I wish that were true.
I was suppose to be your happy.
It was suppose to be me.
I made myself vulnerable to you
and you chose her.
and I thought to myself,
"I cant wait to find someone
who loves me unconditionally
for who I am as a person"
and I thought I found that in you
until you left my home
to go be with her at yours.

Why does time pass more slowly when we want it to go faster?
Dripping like molasses
Flowing like tar
Sinking
slower
s l o w e r
s   l   o   w   e   r
STOP
Time freezes
"No beat, no melody"
As they say in that famous play
Hamilton never stopped
Until that bullet made him
Sometimes I wish Aaron Burr would shoot me in the same way
Time is killing me
But not fast enough
It's the waiting that does it
But what am I waiting for?
A reason to be dead?
A reason to be alive?
A reason to have a reason?
A reason.
That's what we're waiting for.
I wonder what mine is.

i fell in love with your
eyes, but then your eyes became
pits of darkness inside life's plum and it
wasn't quite okay with me but i dealt with it because they were
yours.

i fell in love with your
heart, but then your heart became
a ball of wires of darkness inside your chest and it
wasn't quite okay with your mother and least of all me but i dealt with it because it was
yours.

i fell in love with your
hair, but then your hair became
packing straw inside of a barrel made of mahogany and it
wasn't quite okay with your deadbeat dad and least of all me but i dealt with it because it was
yours.

i fell in love with your
lips, but then your lips became
cold and too much like your great great great grandmother's and it
wasn't quite okay with your brother and least of all me but i dealt with them because they were
yours.

i fell in love with your
words, but then your words weren't
heard and it wasn't quite okay with anyone
least of all me but i dealt with it because they were
yours.

i fell in love with
you.
but then you weren't you and it wasn't quite okay with
me.
it was okay with me least of all.
but i deal with it.

i deal with what you were.

I could ask you to stay, but really theres nothing left to say.

I gave my all to this and like a rose, you felt only the softness while I bled through holding the thorns.

You made me feel like nobody would ever want me and I started not wanting me.

You also made me the happiest that could be possible by just smiling at me or the way you say that stupid "hi" when I'm mad at you.

All I ever wanted was a text back and maybe some faithfulness. That was too much to ask though, it seems.

Usually physical stuff means nothing but with you every touch felt so pure and wonderful. Your body felt like a puzzle piece that fit perfectly against mine.

Yet i know being a secret is not what I deserve and you know that is very wrong of you to do. Its like taking a rose from the garden and putting it in your diary so only you can enjoy it. But darling, that rose dies. Its beauty still stays the same, but the freshness and the life is ****** out of it.

That is exactly how I feel. I feel as if I'm in a self made cage that I have the key to myself. But the key is inside my heart and I have to rip it open to save myself. I guess that is what I'm doing right here.
Ripping my heart open and saving myself.

I cared a lot for you. But either I stay and end up killing myself because of you or leaving and being heart broken but have hope.

You have already killed a lot of me on the inside... so saving myself is the only option it seems.

I hope she loves your smile,
I hope she loves your eyes,
I hope she loves your style,

I hope she loves them like I wish I could.

I hope she enjoys
random adventures,
learning new things,
laying in bed all day,

I hope she values
your intelligence,
your caring heart,
your drive for passion,

I hope she loves you like I wish I could.

I hope she understands
your time is precious,
love is beautiful,
you deserve something genuine,

I hope she
is everything you're looking for,
listens to understand,
is there for you through thick and thin,

I hope she is all that I wish I could be for you.

I hope you are beyond happy.
I hope you feel wanted.
I hope you feel loved.

You deserve love, even if it can't be from me.

I wish I could love you like she should.