I rearranged the scars on your arms and formed a roadmap
I asked you to take me somewhere
                                                               and you took my finger
                                           and you traced it down their paths
we went for a walk and
                                                             ­           I went every place
                                                           ­                    met every face
that tried to rip you open
but you sealed yourself back up
and when those scars healed,
then so did you
                                                    like the time your mother left you
you left four scars on your left wrist
and later,
three more on the right
                                                             or when your father left too
you left nine scars on your leg that night
you placed them carefully in a way
so that they spelled out DAD
                                       don't forget the time she broke your heart
you left 12 scars on both your thighs
one for every month you were with her
(you still stayed six months after that)

there is a pattern of broken hearts
but i won't be another scar.
                                                        i erased the lines on the map
                                                          we forgot they ever existed.


                                                          *smn­di

when it rains, it pours
and i've been living in a flood
we used to dance in the rain
and kiss with raindrops on our lips
but now i find you under an umbrella
telling me
you're tired of being wet.
i don't know how to stop the storm
i just try to stay afloat
but without you there to play with me
without my baby keeping me company
it's getting harder to keep swimming
i'm not playing in the rain anymore
i'm just trying not to drown



                                                         *smndi

Sadness came to me tonight
I said, nope, I'm not ready yet
So I put that sadness in a box
and that box under my bed.

Anger came to visit me next
I said, I'm definitely not ready for you
So I stuffed that anger in a bag
and it went under too.

I thought I was safe for the night
and then in came impending Doom
This one was a little bit stronger
so I had to lock it in it's own room.

So when I saw Pain walking up the street
I knew it was coming for me
I said, I guess it's time to accept defeat
So one by one, I set them all free.

I cried with Sadness
I screamed with Anger
I mourned with Doom
I whined with Pain

And then Happiness came
and I watched the others disappear.
We shared a happy life together
when I finally stopped living with Fear.


*mndi

Sleep does not come easy
when I'm not sleeping with you.
I'm so used to doing it
not alone, but part of two.
There's too much room
in this here bed
there's a pillow here
missing your head.
And my heads missing your lips
I can't sleep tonight
not without that goodnight kiss.
The moon looks in my window
watching with empathy I'm sure
she knows this lonesome feeling
her lover too sleeps not with her.
Sad insomniacs
with empty sheets and empty arms
you're somewhere else asleep without me
the thought alone just does me harm.
If I could rearrange the stars like monkey bars
I'd cross this desert straight to you
if I had to dodge through speeding cars
let me tell you, there's not a thing I wouldn't do.
My eyes are growing tired
but my mind is racing with thoughts of you
it won't seem to let me sleep tonight
I think it's trying to run to you too.


*s.mndi

My Jailbird Brother
you are both selfish and foolish
and i'm not sure which is worse
or which i envy more
less than five hours you were home
less than t h r e e  h u n d r e d minutes
a careless release, really
but you wasted no time finding your way into trouble
the same kind of trouble that got you taken away
kept under lock and key
when you should have been here growing up with me
this wasn't how it was supposed to happen
i envisioned hugs and tears and rambling stories
instead i found drugs and fears and repressed memories
i thought that when you came back it would be like you never left
..it was exactly like that
in the worst way
like you really never went away
you'd been here the whole time
making messes and breaking hearts
among so many other things
making mom cry
because look at you
you're not the same
you came back worse than when you'd left
maybe they got it wrong
maybe they sent back someone else
you adapted to survive
but there's a point where stoic turns cold
and resilient becomes defensive
and you're hiding your feelings to the point
where you can't even even find them
i never saw you as a criminal
but now that's all you know how to be.


*smndi

paintbrush strokes of white on blue
stretching over me and you
colors change to pink-streaked yellow
the earths settling down, getting sleepy and mellow
now it's all gone black with specks of white
any color has left us alone for the night
it's getting brighter
bluer, whiter
the birds in the trees are singing like a choir
they're pretty high up, but i think we're higher
i'll stay up all day, and all through the night too
if you'll be there with me through every shade and hue


s.*mndi