"I'll make a picture of you" I told her
"Are you a painter?" she asked.
"No, but I can paint you in words" I answered

by now, you should have recognized my architecture
and seen it's outer and inner beauty. you should have
been the prince, wielding a heavy sword ready to fight
my inner demons as you have always done for me.

by now, it should be someone like you examining and
taking care of me. i am decomposing, unraveling myself
from my roots that keep me safe, with no signal of any
kind. you may never arrive to that point, so if you do,
i hope my inner demons are strong enough. if you are
willing to battle them even after all this time, even if
you lose to them, this will mean it was worth it.

by now, you should have battled them and even
been willing to give your life to save me. i hope
you realize my inner demons is because you tend
to focus strictly on your own in private. i hope
you realize that true love's first kiss is embedded
into my memory as if you gave me a lobotomy.

by now, in reference to prince guide books,
you should have saved me, but instead, i am
carrying a burden instead of a bouquet of roses
for me to hand off to you. you left me an empty
shell of the house i once was, covered in webs,
dust, and a mess you left me to clean up after.

- kra

I cursed you out to the bottom of my bottle
I made you cry to the bottom of my bottle
I let you down to the bottom of my bottle
I caused you pain to the bottom of my bottle
I lied in your face to the bottom of my bottle
Yet you were there for me through every bottom of every bottle

I know it's been months since you left
Somehow parts of you will never fade away
Like that time when you told me you grew tired of me
That I know will never leave my mind & will scar me for life
Now I have to pretend that I didn't see you & I don't think it will ever stop hurting, but I'll just get used to it

And last night I called you just to hear your voice again
The least thing I had expected you to do was answer my call
So then I asked you how you were doing
And I could feel you shaking your head with confusion
So you sat there quietly on the other line, hesitant to tell me
In that very moment it was like you forgot I even existed & that I once part of your life
After a few minutes you finally replied, saying "alright" and at that I made sure to let go of you
I smiled as I hung up the phone
And that was the last conversation I had with you

Fast forward to the present time
And yes I still wonder how you are & what you've been doing
I still wonder what you & your friends are up to, and if you've seen any concerts recently
I know that if you heard me ask you these things, you'd have that big smile on your face like you used to
Every time I said something thoughtful

So you'll probably still think that I need you
That I still want you
And in this moment, no.
Not at all, not in this case
Because nine months ago I was doing everything I can just to impress you
To make sure & check up on you that you were happy & content
And to make sure I was the person causing happiness & that smile on your face
But no, it isn't nine months ago
It is the present time
It is now
In this moment
I remember you as a person I shared my secrets to at 3am in the morning & ****** to feel a sense of closeness
I remember you as someone I shared special moments with, like laughing at something at 5 in the morning
I remember you as someone who made me happy through the dark moments in my life and that I'm always grateful for
But you see it isn't nine months ago
It is the present time
It is now
And in this very moment
I miss how you messaged me unexpectedly just to ask me what happened throughout my day
I miss you how you cared, even at things that weren't so important
I miss our friendship, our secrets, our stories, our dreams & goals
So maybe one day things will be alright again
It will be different, but it will be better
And maybe we'll run into each other
Catching up with our lives
But right now you're a faded memory
Someone I used to know, but all that is a blur

I didn't want to hurt myself
but the stinging felt better
on my thighs
than it did in my heart
and the burn
of the ***** in my throat
will always taste better than
swallowing down the words
I want to say to you
I'm hungry and hollow
and I just want someone to call my own
I just want someone to hold
and I want us to love each other
you were like a hurricane
you came to me when I was still
young and beautiful and new
but you destroyed everything in me
the storm calmed eventually but it didn't stop raining in my mind so I ran blades along my skin trying to find some part of myself that might still be there but I only bled colors of you so I sent out search parties all over my body
but they where never to be found
cause I guess you took them with you
so much of me lost in you

we imagined our bodies were continents but my
continent became an never ending earthquake,
trembling until it tears through the exoskeleton
of my body. the earthquake was panic attacks. i
learned to interact with them so i could see it coming.
i learned to appreciate the homes i destroyed, and
i helped you clean up the rubble after i obliterated you.
architect of sadness: you built an expansive house
that's always empty and chilly. you let the prettiest
flowers wilt and die. your bright colors coating your
exterior shows promise and sentiments, but even the
ones who walk through your doors notices the absence.
it's always too late to sever ties when you are given the
keys. your voice is like the dinner bell, ringing through
the west and east hallways and haunting these walls. we
were two different worlds clashed together like the big
bang, we were pangaea, a super continent exploding with
content and then continential drift split us open. somewhere
along the line, you became australia and myself the united
states, where swimming to you became an impossible
task. even at the end of it all, i asked for the keys to
enter inside the same house holding empty promises
and a foundation i knew was built from the hands of an
amateur architect. is that what love is? walking into the
scorch of hell's fire because you're willing to deal with
the permanent third degree burns and scars the fire will
leave on you? because that's how i know i love(d) you.

- kra