I think about life
I look up to the old clock
I watch the time leave

The water sparkles like the time
I spilt sugar all over
Your kitchen table
Each granule reflected the sunlight
A smile splashed across your face
The silver fish re-emerge

Jumping in parabolas
To see where they are going
I don't think they know
When they are down there
And the frothy shoreside
Reminds me

Of the milk that rushed to the floor
After my clumsy hands betrayed me
I'm glad you weren't mad
I'm glad you didn't slam the door
Your wide mouthed laugh was there
To console me

You don't know

That I love you.

That I need you.

If only...

The cold is as sudden as a memory
Of something once forgotten
When the tide decides to drown
My aimlessly drifting self
I'll watch the blue light sift through in rays
For as far as can be seen
From the bottom of this tranquil sea

My teeth fire like machine guns
Rattling in my mouth two rows have begun
To battle, these goosebumped limbs will not behave
As they should do
Droplets of debris frantically scatter
My body an earthquake
My mind overcome by the waves

Until I have collapsed
Upon the burning sand
And I am glad I could not stand
I lay motionless upon the palm of God
A soft fire surrounding my very being
Like a warm blanket upon a winter's evening
The Sun's love massages my naked back
Like a helping hand
My only friend

What happened to the children we left behind?
Skipping through summer forests
Along sandy beaches
When the tide came in from the ocean
They spent their days playing, still lost
In our minds but forgotten
Playing pretend while the adults
Lived on the outside
They saw everything
Every smile faked
Every dream abandoned
Their innocent minds wondered in confusion
And when we wasted away behind unfamiliar walls
And faked smiles from plastic faces in white coats
The children were listening behind closed doors
In the dark
To our last dying breaths

I pushed away all hope
Of reclaiming
Myself
From the dry heap of used
People
Stacked high in the corner
Of your bedroom

I am once again silenced at the precipice of speech
On the verge of verbal expression I falter
Stutter, mutter, fumble, and tumble over words
As if they were more than just words
And really something physical
Something I could touch

Eyes converge on my lips like a lens
Focusing the rays of indignation so it burns
Charring and shrivelling, those black paper butterflies
Flutter in my chest and tear up my insides
Moving towards my head, stop my lungs
I can't breathe
My heart is a flooded
Watergate, a dam rushing
A machine out of control
I think
I think
I think
I think
I'm on the brink
My mind is a man
In danger
His out of breath lungs breathing acid
Pursued by a hooded knife
In the lonely dark he runs
But reaches a dead end
No way out
No where to run
He spots the shape, the only escape
A silhouette in his eye
He wishes he would collapse, so he could just
Relax
Retire with a sigh
The burden off his mind
Everything gone
He would finally die

A shadow like me
Its leaves are blacker than black
Against the grey sky

Post-apocolypse
A cloud of billowing ash
In the aftermath

Of Vesuvius
Rain falls on cold embers
In this film noir

As my hair turns black
And clumps, black as rotten stumps
Black as mottled roots
Clung to a pale corpse

Droplets play in golden light
Then a lightning strike
The gravel sound
Angels passing on the ground

Wandering lost as moths
From light to light
My eyelids hang heavy
Ready to close me out

Phoenix in the night
Burning
Burning her broken heart

The sky departs and clouds surround
Our ship is on its way through the atmosphere
People gaze like ants from the ground
As the cockpit vibrations shake in fear

Thin wisp clouds disperse, hear the whip crack
As we climb higher over our tiny blue world
The sky darkens. Blue, navy, indigo, pitch black
We detach and float, spaced out in a whirl

I look out the window into the silence
At our planet and realise how small we all are
How big and empty is the universe
How my home is away so far

From way up here the whole world is green and blue
Humanity and its problems seem off in a dream
And the challenges I face, we face, what to do
Are no longer as hard as they once had seemed

I sit listening to his lingering melodies
But his words don't comfort me
They don't hold me anymore

In the shower I cry
My tears disappear
But I don't
I hold my legs tight and wait
But I won't wash away

And I know what they'll say
That I was so full of life
Gathering around to ask each other
"Oh, did you see that coming?"

Just listen for a second
Just listen
Please
You may hear me

You may hear my fading footsteps

I'm sorry
You'll never know
Why I had to leave

Because no one will be looking
When I slip outside
And drift away

In a ghostly purgatory
Of mist and copper ferns
We drove atop the world
Towards Baltimore, and the cold sea
The bone-dry air

Where we ate and laughed like better times
Nostalgic nights of youth
The memories now aged with time
Like bitter vinegar to wine

[Before the storm]

I'm walking away from hope
Childish in my care for the cracked stone
I must be for my mother
            My forehead once felt her kiss
                              Then felt her wrist
I pity the men who can step anywhere  

Anywhere in the grey
Above Dublin's familiar streets
Bubbling, their tea in hell
           It has the taste of fear as well
                             I have made them
Their new reality did not account for me

I bought you a bicycle for your birthday
I helped you to unwrap it
And we rode through the morning
           Brushing nettles
                           And when fox brush fluttered
We were unsettled

Why were you so cold?
When the Sun submerged into galaxies
To become your face and your cheeks
         And the leaves lay on cellophane
                          Your eyes seemed so old to me
But your smile was philosophy

Long hair was blooming in the wind
A deal made with the God Time
No need for penitence
        No need for any of it
                         Tell me there is a way
And I will wage war with the waves

Speeding ahead with my eyes on the stars
And the moon which stays fixed
No matter how fast I pedal
Even when small stones
Get stuck in the metal
And I fly through the air like a feather

I lay with the pattering in a puddle
I lay with the rain and the mud forever

My eyes disconnect from my fingers
Mind from my body on the screen
And lingers
With the walking stick limp
That taps along the concrete
His scraggly white beard blowing in the wind
I saw the old man earlier in the street
I held my hand up to the light
To see if it was fake

Watched the old woman pass
With her brown paper bag
Rip and tear
Assortments spraying like paint
Vulture children swooping down in a rush to eat
Minds so full of hate
Confusion in every eye that sees
I wonder why I bother
Oh my mind is slipping away
My guard is down
Glued to my chair
Pulling out my hair
And there is
So much to choose from
So much
To be done
Here
This is not an exit
And you have not won

I wonder if I'll dare
To go out on the roof tonight  
And tilt my head towards the stars  
The city lights are glowing bright as a carnival  
A garden of golden flowers

Calm bamboo sandals adorn my soles
Tapping along stone tiles
Soaked in the Sun
Red flags float along the Summer breeze
Blown by the wind
Like dandelion seeds

Suspended in the sultry July air
The kiss of first-lovers
The sweetness of a pear
Lost between pillars on an ardent August eve
A friend beside the river
A dream upon a stair

O this city of stone, this city of wax
This city we carry
On all of our backs
This city of stone, this city we adore
This city will rise
And rise forevermore

This city above the sea, built up upon the clouds
This city of fortune
And freedom's sweet sound
When the new sky has come and the old one is gone
This city will forever
Be where I belong

I trudge through the blizzard with my boots sinking
To my knees in snow and the flakes
Cloud my frosted eyelids again

Wiping away the whiteness to allow my vision
A few feet in front as the onslaught of cold wet
Particles fall like horizontal rain

Moving fast as a hurricane
My knees are weakened to collapse
I am so lost I cannot think

Many friends lost on the way
Fallen and buried instantly
In pure white ecstasy

No time for ceremony
Hours ago I lost the main party
I lost the light of survival

In the blinding white
My frigid gloved hand above my eyes
Resolution in my mind

On the fringes of sight
In the dark myopic distance
I see the sea blue light
In the lonely darkness

You can take all the right turns
You'll end up where you started

10 degrees west, swiftly falling south
Things go downhill

You become the things you longed to be
Create the truths you're dying to find

Always looking forward
Leaving more of yourself behind

Go ahead and write all the right things
And remain a non-entity to me

The darkness like a thick mist surrounds us
Until we choose to forget

We wallow in involuntary  thoughts
Of the things we choose to regret

The bets we decide to take
Say that's how it's going to be, and go

I was blind but now I know
I will never see

Do you really think you'll never change?

Your heart will never be the same
Do you really think you're the one to blame?

You're seeing changes every day
Feeling things that you can't explain

Do you really think it's ok
To think your whole life away?

Do you think there's nothing more than now
Nothing left to learn?

But what do you know?
And what else can I say?
You know you just have to go
You have to find your own way

So you're probably feeling
The same things as me
You probably want to run
You probably want to hide

You probably never thought
You'd ever be
Who you are
Who you've become
Now this tension runs your life
You've been caught

And yes, it's going to be hard

But Never
B e l i e v e
Or think
You Are Alone

You aren't
And you never will be
I'll be here
And we'll get through this
Together

the soothing darkness
seeps through
the glass, and i don't know
where i'm running off to

laughing loudly, lying, walking
whiskey filled, and tranquil
i drink some more, and smoke with an aching throat
i get lost in half finished thoughts
of her smile, and her hair
so perfect like the rest of her

our eyes meet just like they used to

and i feel
like i'm running out of remedies
like the tiring walls of my heart
are closing in
on me

like i will forever be
as lonely, ugly, and worthless
as i have always been

Don't die, be happy
Not miserable, this is
My not-to-do list

The dark rain will fall
Again, but nevertheless
The rainbow follows

The stone will climb, I am confident
The same stone, same mountain
Same result, and up again
I go tired and on the verge of collapse
Yes, I have become stronger
And yes I will continue
As the sun retires red and fading
The crows return to their nests
Sleep taunts me insufferabely
Right or wrong is a choice
But the right answer is wrong

I can't write

I can't write

And the posters on the wall
Tell the same old story of love
And infinite possibilities
How shall I waste my time?
Staring at the ceiling above

The same old story

I don't know

Where will I get my strength from
When my knees fall beneath me

Have I told you dear
How in the Summer
When Mama
Was still here

And the Sun God shone
Down my shoulders
Flowing over
My soul

How I loved sifting sand
Through my fingers
Watching the waves
Grow nearer

How I loved the ripples
Lost in my eyes
The rushing
Those waves

The sudden crashing
The not knowing
The dragging
The cold

The under water rays
Of light beaming
A fleeting glimpse
Of gold

Lost in the depths
Forever
Until

Spit out on scorched shore
For air
Gasping
Exhausted
Reality

I am here
Back here
Without you dear
Drowning

Droplets of dark divine
                       rain
Don't really taste
                       of              
Wine, but water  
  
Still I savour those small things
Ringing out the night's nothings
On the wind's bitter gifts

Til there is nothing left
And I have outlived myself
The cyclone leaves pirouette
Down into moon-glow
Puddles, ripples

The moment will soon be past
Eight thousand hours or so, I have tasted
But a fleeting crumb of the universe
Myself

Forever outliving myself until
The Sun's beams stain the clouds
Then who will look upon this frightened page
And see my soul in theirs?

I sit alone beneath a dry hood
That patters like the slated roof
On days you slept scared

Of rain and thunder
I am all there is again
The page gets wetter and wetter

As the words fade out

I was hiding behind my sunglasses
On the pier that day as chatter filled the air
I saw smiles in the bustling crowds of a species I hated
There were stares from every side
As people spoke behind my back
I couldn't breath, they had cornered me

Tears ran down eyes where no one could see
Blood ran down my throat from bitten lips
And did you know I was too afraid to hug Nan?
Beacause I was afraid of what people would think
I was afraid of how I looked
And I think every day of how I'll never see her again
And how that was the worst thing
I've ever done

The leaves were prisms of glass
Light scattered in every direction
Flowing green over stream and bush
Warm and lovely and lush
I stopped to stare through honey-filled eyes

The softly winding gravel path
Marked my way between the trees
Birds sang and flew between their nests
Sporting their technicolour crests
Leaves drifted through the summer breeze

I could not prevent my pleasant smile
Or so you had told me some other time
The rushing water tessellating, sparkling
And alive with the spirit of joy
Drowned out my often crowded mind

I cannot cry my lord where am I and why
Lord can I not cry on these dying lies
Nor return again from fields that wilt
To sheath myself by my sunken hilt

I travel through time to a time I was heard
Believing a song but forgetting the words
In my funeral robes of white satin at night
I cannot see my god between the dark and the light

If you had given me one reason to live
Oh if you had only given me a soul to give
If you had delivered to me the courage to forgive
Oh if you had loved me, enough to forbid

Oh Lord what have you done with my heart
The abhorrent creature which hides in the dark
Less than the beast of something which flew
The broken silhouette of something which grew
From the ashes of the great creator

It makes me go "Jesus Christ. Look at the view"
Middle of October, birthday,
Driving past Bantry bay
Treading boots on a carpet of brown
Leaves, the forest walk in Glengariff

I walk and wonder
Why the ivy leaves sprout from the mud  
Scattering green shapes on the ground
Spread across the floor like mushrooms

I see the thin branches hold a preschool painting
A trillion burning instances of colour
And nothing is human here, but you
I am only the moss that clings to the trees

Like a pointilist masterpiece
The apple-green and autumn yellow spots
Gather in canopies above the rocks
While the white streaks and dots
Dance wildly in the black stream

And so
The orangeness, as I turn, flies diagonally,
Looking down across the dampened stones
The colour of fire paints the falling petals
That flip like red feathers

As the stream flows clear as molten glass
And the foam, so dove white on the surface
Bubbles against the edge of it
Splashing boulders,
Rinsing toes

Everyone writing
Now who is there left to read
No one understands

Kind spirit

Your letter has saved me

Stuffed under
These barbed fences

Built by those devils

And you are my angel

My link from the nether

Herded like sheep
We trudged through the 9th circle
Fewer than first started

Those souls we left on our way
Those souls will become letters
Stained with tears and wine

But all is grey here

My family
Where are they?

Oh,  Mama and Papa

Where are you now?

Listening to my CD's late at night
In my room
Classics
Songs that molded impressionable children
Full of life and passion
Running hand in hand
Through the pouring November rain
Shaped a generation...
The eternal art of legends
Will all be forgotten
Like you
It makes me cry
They are no longer with us
I never got to meet my heroes
People who influenced me so much
And so many others

I heard the news today, oh boy
Bowie died and I cried
I heard his final songs
And I didn't sing along
I did not interrupt
I cried more than when my grandmother died
David Jones is gone


"Ground control to Major Tom.... "


I heard the news today, oh boy
And what did I find
Eyedea is gone, his message left behind
A true soul moved on
To the void
Drugs again...
When will it all end
I played his songs for hours
Through the night
I cried
And I cried
I cried more then when my mother died
I felt nothing then
And I moved on
Forgotten...

"The snow won't melt...
The fog won't clear..."
Oh how I wish you were here

The grand scale of things seems unimaginable
When our children listen to the legends and grow
Altering art in new amazing ways, watch their faces
So beautiful and young but still like those in their history books
Only wearing new clothes

When you showed me your words and your heart
In that moment my mind became opened to all of history
I remembered how this was only just the start
I supposed the beauty was created by me

I thought of the children

Their minds seeded on the shoulders of their heroes
Take a little here, borrow something there and create a dreamworld
You can see the cross section of youth and life in their words
In the ways they manifest beauty from something so much worse
My pens reflect the Sun's light spread like petals in their ***
I lift one out between my torn and faded fingers
And I hope I may have the privilege to be a part
Of humanity's ever changing plot

The crows circled patiently
Their charcoal feathers contrasted the white
Of the mountain snow

Howl

A huge bellowing howl
The last desperate cry of a dying animal
Was heard above the winter trees
Spruces and green pines iced with snow
And somewhere deep inside
Something savage and unseen
Took its last whispered breath
And with one final howl
Welcomed the sweet kiss of death

I fought against the beauty of the automaton's playing
Seeing it's calculated metal digits scanning keys
The languid symphony as a set of logical steps

And you'd think it would sound robotic
Remember those old movies: evil robot, red light
A computer voice lecturing feeble-minded people

Something missing from the synthetic noise
Something human.  But each note is met perfectly
The sound so beautiful I try not to hear it

Because if this machine has succeeded
In the only thing left to make us different
What am I exactly?
  
What is life?
And what is lust?
What is love?

When the only thing to make us human
Is our stubborn belief in being special
Floating in this endless unforgiving Universe

Where are we going?

I'd like you all to know
That I don't care what you think
So much so that I write it in ink
Because I really don't care
What it is that you think

I care so little that I want it sung
From the highest tower,
To ring through your ears
Like the school bell has rung
I am not on the fence
I want you to cower
At my great ambivalence
My nonchalant power

As you are aware
I wrote this poem for you
Instead of living
Outside in the Sun
Where diamond rivers flow
In the breeze the leaves blow
Because I really don't care
If you are aware
That I don't care
Because I really really don't
And I just wanted you to know

I am lying
Below this tree
On my back with the bats
I see it rising like a mushroom cloud
Bellowing upwards to cover me
Glowing in the moonlight; moonlit
A river flows beside it

While tufts of grass reach
Over its banks
Like peasants at golden gates
With arms outreached
Pleading
To satisfy their thirst
In the stream of life
Unaware of the soft dew
Upon them

In the dark
The solitary streetlight
Reflects upon the water
Under
The blackout skies
A horde of medieval torches
Dances
Like dragonflies
Like fairies in little ships
Their ceremony
Continues

i love to count
the wintry things
two lips

the tundra glides
                past the slates
as, perched on wires, the crows wait
for their white coats
              to build

two covered boots
              walk the ice on the road
as the children and their bikes
stick out

distinctly red, half hidden in snow
the wet ice of the street
            two black tires

a trail of feet
i count five flakes
one cold face
one pink nose and two flushed cheeks
eight car hoods

mounds of snow piled up on each

snow,
            the snow falls
feathering down to the ground
            through the cold
settling down on woolly clothes

my tongue stuck out to catch the snow
landing, thawing, melted down

condensed. five, six, seven, eight,
thousands, millions
          an infinite
blizzard
        of snowy
children
dancing, muddy footprints

orange gloves on numbing digits

hot chocolate inside
snugly

both palms
around
        like a lighter's
flame
in a cold home

and the birds' wings clap
as they fly
from the branches
in the frozen
      barren
fields

My thoughts are poisoned
I can't relax, I can't rest
Nothing makes me sad

Or happy, I try
I can't relax, I need rest
I need to fix this

She gazed up into the indigo night sky
Saw the twilight moon eclipsed
Like an unknown planet dark but visible
Had smothered the light
Apart from one sliver cresented
On the edge where black became blue

I followed
Through the piercing breeze
Needing to get out
I stayed inside, I couldn't breath

We sneaked through the underbrush
Feeling improbable and alive
The stars made us feel at home
With you I felt less alone
Creeping along some old man's back yard
Lying on the grass, your hand in mine
Trying not to remember, trying our best
To stop time and our hearts from beating

Share with me Cherie  
The life you left unwoken
Asleep under ice

Send me your sweet heart
Riddled with self-inflicted
Knife wounds I may mend

I feel in your words
In your thoughts the flesh you sear
In hope of sealing

And hiding the pain
Of existence without love
Living from below

You are not alone
Cherie do not
Be afraid

Cherie please
Do not wait
For me

The birds chirping outside my window
Their song is so beautiful in the early morning twilight
Their hungry chicks are waking in their nests
And my mind is in need of rest

The sun has barely risen
But the sky holds a hint of blue
And the rain looks cold as it showers down
Onto grass leaving morning dew

Hours ago my mind was still active
As much as it is now hours after
I'll try to sleep soon
And tomorrow I'll wake in the afternoon
But my dreams will be filled with laughter

mute, in a bubble
black holes open - and swallow
swallow me all whole

party, I won't be
some, something, I want to be
somebody not me

I fumble over
alone, I speak like the dark
but I guess I try

the empty glances
alone, I guess I liked her
I got used to it

I wish she knew
How the way her hands glide like pale doves
To cover her face when she laughs
Makes my heart melt

How she smiles
And suddenly the world will never
Be good enough
For me
How I would hold her hand
And kiss her tears away

In the dark, freezing my skin in the rain
Droplets collect on blue window panes
So clear and calm and beautiful