I see only absence in his eyes
where love should be

I wonder sometimes
if it would have hurt more
had I grown up
immortalizing him in memories and stories
knowing that had he been there
he would have loved his baby girl
truly and deeply
or if watching him
fail to love me
day after day
year after year
is as painful as death

Have you ever known what it is to follow ,
or what it means to give ?
We live in sheltered housing ,
We live we give ?
Do we ever count the cost and if we did would it add to much ?
Perhaps a smile when buying coffee ,
Or a prayer before lunch ?
or in the evening when I’m drifting off to sleep ,
Just before bed ,
a look in the mirror ,
Just to ensure I’m not ...
dead .

It's sunny day
I put down the knife
I let the blood dripping on the floor
Then I smile and said
" I love this pain "