For me love is an absolute thing
That far surpasses Corinthian definition,
It is a joyful passion,
And those afflicted delight in every slightest
Touch or word or contact,
And cannot wait for the next opportunity
To share by call or message or text or touch
That love which whirls and spins ones heart about
In a wonderful dance of committed care
And passion,
Both carnal and divine,

But alas it seems in your view
These things I neither did nor do in fact
Share with thee,
But rather - in your view but not in mine -
To my sadness and my shame,
Did rather inflict them on thee
From insecurity,
Without so much as a by your leave,
The worst of many misunderstandings
And one which would make a lesser man weep,

However love remains inviolate
If the heart that beats it remains fast and true,
As mine does,
True to that which has been professed,
True to the woman to which it is trothed,
True to that love which is unrelenting,
And how you feel about my motives does not change a thing
Bar one for,
In my world if thy lover is not secure in any respect
Then you ****** well make them so

Love hurts, love scars
Love wounds and marks
Any heart
Not tough or strong enough
To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain
Love is like a cloud
Holds a lot of rain
Love hurts
Ooh, ooh, love hurts
I'm young, I know, but even so
I know a thing or two
I learned from you
I really learned a lot, really learned a lot
Love is like a flame
It burns you when it's hot
Love hurts
Ooh, ooh, love hurts
Some fools think of happiness
Blissfulness, togetherness
Some fools fool themselves, I guess
They're not foolin' me
I know it isn't true
I know it isn't true
Love is just a lie
Made to make you blue
Love hurts
Ooh, ooh, love hurts
Ooh, ooh, love hurts
I know it isn't true
I know it isn't true
Love is just a lie
Made to make you blue
Love hurts
Ooh, ooh, love hurts
Ooh, ooh, love hurts
Ooh, ooh...

I love you,
As such I desire you
In every respect,
Wish to be included in your life
Include you indeed in mine,
Honour you and make a life of us,
Do not mistake
True honest love and desire
For neediness,
Nor weakness or even lack
Of self esteem,
These may be in the lexicon
Of others in your past
But if that be your true
Perception of me then you stand
To lose both your perceived
View and also alas
The truth.

Loyalty flies in the face of sense
While love and friendship
Makes a fool of self
And self comes second

Well you were not worth
My loyalty nor me as friend,
Well my self is first now
And repairing a life un-maintained,

It may be a slow process
And it may take pain
But this is MY life *****
And it's mine again

Yours the hand that found the wolf
Hid deep and quiet
In a cave that none could find,
Yours the hand that coaxed
Him forth to the light of day,

Yours the hand that provoked a howl,
That echoed through my soul
In shades of history long forgot,
Yours the hand that soothed
The hackles raised in vulnerability

Yours the scent that woke the man,
That made life a thing
To grasp and relish,
To make of me the best I can
To be the best for you,

Yours the hand and heart and soul
On which I am imprinted - and
From which I doubt I'll e'er be free,
You my lady and you my love,
Anna you, Anna you, Anna you

Yours the hand that found the wolf
Hid deep and quiet
In a cave that none could find,
Yours the hand that coaxed
Him forth to the light of day,

Yours the hand that provoked a howl,
That echoed through my soul
In shades of history long forgot,
Yours the hand that soothed
The hackles raised in vulnerability

Yours the scent that woke the man,
That made life a thing
To grasp and relish,
To make of me the best I can
To be the best for you,

Yours the hand and heart and soul
On which I am imprinted - and
From which I doubt I'll e'er be free,
You my lady and you my love,
Only you, only you, only you

We have seen the might
And the power of a saturn 5 rocket as it
Claws its way skywards
On a plume of noise and flame and fury
And this is the image we conjure when we
Are presented the concept of rocket,
Or flight,
Or heavenward high attainment,

Yet I know one who flies just as high,
Whose glance,
Let alone whose direct look,
Has the power of a thouand thousand suns
And the intense draw
Or magnetism even of a dozen
Deep black holes
In their wells

Yet she is truly petite,
One may almsot say too tiny,
She makes those of us of barn door
Frame feel truly lumpsome and
Gross by comparison,
Yet she whizzes and fizzes and
Percolates and pops,
Her path is as of rainbows

I am sure I felt the touch of
An Angel wing when she passed
Close by and yet
I see also deep naughtiness
Held firm in check,
Perhaps indeed there are horns
Beneath her dark dark hair

But it is those wings
Which explain the rocket
And the petite and the horns in balance with the good
That quicken the heart of all that
Meet her
Leaving us all just a little exhausted
Yet wearing a great
Big
Smile...

We meet in work
And in social context and always wear
A mask to suit the situation,
A mask however which
While showing to the outside world
The image we desire does not
Conspire to cover our eyes which burn
With our soul’s lust and purpose.
So you see me and I see you and the
Masks serve no success in hiding,
Yet would you meet me alone outside
The known and
Lay the mask aside or
Lay indeed
With me?

You and I were always meant to be,
Me to meet you and indeed you me,
To fall in love with you,
That has always been my lot,
To lose those parts of me
I valued most,
My pride
My arrogance
My certainty

We were meant always to sail together and
Share a great distance,
Many memories,
To see a vast tract of water
Pass under the bridge,
To share our everything
Our selves
Our hearts,
Our souls,

And now I am lesser - for my pride,
That arrogant cancer that thought it ruled?
That vast chunk of me
Has burned away,
Reduced to ashes and even those
Carried away by the wind,
Leaving just an absence,
A charred hollow remnant
Now silent,

And I would fill that void with you,
Cram it with love for every part of you,
Pack it so tight with service of you
That not the slightest part of any other
Would or could ever intrude,
Neither thought nor action
Betray thee
Or me
Or us,

But though on your suggestion
I wrote a death sentence against that other,
Though I finessed the edges
To ensure the bolt struck a fatal blow,
Did this without demur,
Because I know what future
I desire and that with you,
Dinner with him still beckons thee,
And not informed beyond a doubt it not a date,

I had no doubt,
I acted straight to reassure you,
Contributed to make a deadly form,
And you do not see the unspoken part
Of your omission,
The unverbalised desire to
Keep your options open,

And not to make it plain before
That it is not a date.
And I  cannot now raise this again,
Despite my reasonable stance,
For you will throw the trust  card
In my face,
Pour angry vitriol upon my head,
And I would drive you where he would have you,
And that is not his sofa,
Nor your van.

I came ashore to socialise,
To mix with those who
Have never seen the sea
Or an ocean's far horizon

I came to see what the
Fuss was about,
But found a grubby filty
***** race scrabbling

In their cities to earn
A crust or raise new
Grubby ***** versions
Of themselves,

And every step was as the
Tales have told,
An agony for me,
So what was made it worth that pain?

Well I met you and although
You were nor ever would
Be a person of the mere,
I loved you with a shoal's passion

But you proved fickle and
You proved false,
Betrayed and denied my love
And so I return with my broken heart,

To who I'm meant to be,
Shrug off my shoes and
Flick my tail,
As I return to sea.

And a Happy New Year
To all and every one
Who reads these words
Of mine,

This year has seen turmoil and pain,
For me and for many,
Some of mine own doing
And some less so,

And I am sure the same for
Many of you,
But life goes on regardless
And the good news is

We all get to choose
Our direction of travel,
Hamstring by guilt or regret,
Or joyful nonetheless!

So I wish you all happiness,
And - where necessary -
The strength to choose it,
And the eyes and soul

To feel it.

MERRY CHRISTMAS and a BLESSED NEW YEAR!

How many precious
Moments have we
Shared you and I,
Circling one another in
Lives semi linked in friendship?

How many looks matched
With almost physical violence,
One gaze crashing into the other
One soul's glazing
Locked upon another

Then smashed asunder
As concious thought returns
And proprietary mores
Wrench back control
From softening hearts,

How many of these over the
Years we've known?
I know not yet even as I half
Think these lines our souls
Link again

Like the moon I have
A dark side,
Just as everybody does,
Even the most amazing
Alabaster lady,

But the most important
Aspect of the moon's
Dark side is not
The darkness but
The mystery,

The unknown unseen
Parts of us,
However my dark has been,
Remains indeed,
Illuminated by

Self knowledge,
A new found self respect,
Self awareness,
Aware of my great worth,
And the value that I bring,

And I finally love who I am,

Now to find the one
Who will admit
They love me too,
Entirely, wholly,
Truly

Is something I can teach,
At sea or on land,
Use of a compass
And a parallel rule,
Dividers and a plotter,
All to find out where I am
Where I wish to be
And what course to steer,

In matters of the heart,
Also - as do we all -
I do my best to plot
A course to best effect,
But lately I have been
All at sea in darkness,
Steering by dead reckoning,
And raw blind hope,

A nerve racking
Time sailing blind,
Unaware how sands may shift,
How deep the seas or shallow,
How far away the land,
Until now at last the sun has risen,
The darkest hour has passed,
And you my darling destination
Are right across my bow

You have no idea the irk
Created by those terms,
The judgement inherent in
Laying out my perceived weakness
Is offensive,
All the more when weakness
Neither becomes me nor is
Found within me

It makes the obvious response
Rise to my lips,
To cease to reach out
In love or in help,
To prove to you my worth by
Withdrawing the very demonstration
That led to the accusation at hand

But with withdrawal of
Reaching out comes
Withdrawal of part of me,
Part of my expressed love,
And therein lies the rub,
For if I share not how I feel or that
Sharing is unaccepted,
Then where is the actual point?


Of us?

Is way too short and small
A word to describe
How I found myself
Just now

I whom nothing fazes
Just ran into a door,
My heart and pulse
Erratic in extreme

And my mind a whirl
Of "oh good Lord"
And "what have I done?"
And more especially "WHY?"

Yet having shared that
I always dare a dare
And having dared myself indeed
What other course remains

But to jump right in
With two left feet
And await the splash
However big, however brash

The response may be,
Yet softness and shyness
Ruled the day today
And no taunt did pierce my heart

Which oddly for all my
Determined non investment
(And there is a word indeed!)
Was quaking at the impending response,

It's odd how things creep up
When you least expect and
Worse the grip they seize
Too late to be removed,

Yet this surprise has
Been a minor joy,
A healing for a torn heart
And a forward looking

Ray of hope

I do not doubt
You know I love you,.
I do not doubt
You have seen the man I
Truly am behind the veil
And mis direction

But alas there is
One thing that
I know you will never
Ever comprehend,
And that is the depth,
The agony and the yearning

Chasm within my chest,
The scale of the
You shaped hole
Within me
Or just how VERY MUCH
I ******* love you

Night falls without word
Of man nor word from thee
To me,
We have differing views
On contact you and I,
Contact between partners,
Contact between friends,

Conversation about what passes
Betwixt each of us
And any other,
Although you're prompt
To interrogate about clients
Which I understand given
Our past,

But as partners we have
Yet to settle on a path that
Permits us easy conversation
On anything and anyone,
And that loving trust
To which I for one do yet aspire
And we for two do need,

But we shall get there because
I shall not balk at the
Difficult subjects,
Nor turn away lest your
Rage arise again for
If it does then it must and
Its every demise will draw us

Closer

In the dream (or perhaps it is forseeing) it is cold,
The air carries whispers of ice
That cut through the warmth of my skin
Like knives,
The quay is deserted,
Quiet aside from the occasional
Breeze induced moan from
A beer bottle tossed casually away
To lie discarded and thereby
A bit like me,

As I single up the mooring lines
Of the boat below me its movement
Becomes greater,
As if shunning the cold stillness
Of the land,
And seeing this I feel kinship
With the waking hull,
And a sense of shared impending journey
To the grey seas
Beyond the harbour wall,

As I work the halyards and
Aged sails creak up the mast
The breeze becomes more evident
In the brisk flapping of canvas,
Rime frost on the gunwhales gives way
To dark hand prints as I steady myself
Moving forward and aft,
Steadily prepping for departure
In a routine well known
Across decades,

Finally all is ready,
The wind picks up,
Sundering the clouds to reveal
A clear black sky studded in diamonds,
The navigation lights
From far galaxies come to light my way
As the backed foresail
Pushes the bows away,
Then with a creak the boom quells
The flapping main,

Approaching the harbour mouth
The wind rises further and a few
Long lazy yet driven rollers
Make their presence felt,
The heel increases as the bow tastes freedom,
Nav lights on the breakwater are
Unnaturally bright but no one sees
Nor waves goodbye,
Nor ever will again for tonight
I that was James just crossed the bar

I had a near miss
The other day,
Or at least it certainly
Felt like one

Felt the mortal coil
Slip a bit lower,
Fall a little looser
About my frame,

And although I was
Distraught at not being
Able to see my kids
Nor to set all records straight

At least I'd turned a corner
Into truth and love,
And as I closed my eyes
A final time I knew

I'd told my final Lie,
Knew I'd chosen
Truth and love
Before my final breath

You write of him
Who has passed a while,
Extant now only as ash
Within a porcelain jar,

You write of the bitter
Arrogance of anger
Left unresolved and
You not released from pain,

Of these you write,
And these you feel
With such pain
Such loss,

But he IS gone!
His vitriol has no power here,
No right to use your voice
Nor fuel your rage,

Nor create in you
His reincarnate toxicity,
Your are not him
Nor ever were,

You are your mothers child
Her softness tempers his
Vile intransigence,
And you need not go there,

So let him go
Into the shades of time
And away from this reality,
And your life,

And look instead to
That which is around you,
Loves you and has your back,
For I my love

Have yet to cross the bar

And I would sail with you,
Aboard your vessel
Or in closest company,
You escort and protector,

Your lover and your very
Very best friend,
The one who has your back
The one that you can count upon,

Fifty years or so with luck
I have and you much the
very same,
Will you share mine with me,
And let me share yours,

With you?

You will not
Feebly try to waft
My attention away,
Nor use inebriant half no's
To divert mine intent,
No slack jawed half closed unfocused
Gaze will look searching
My face from a haphazard pillow,

For I will not permit That easy excuse,
Nor will I be a
Half memory or an
“Oh that happened - again"
There will be no groggy awakening
Thick with the night before's effect
To face a morning guilt or shame,
Oh no...
Not this time,

This time amidst
The trees and dark
Your every sense
Will know the path We tread,
And not by map nor memory,
For none before ever felt like this,
And there are no maps on page or screen
That show or describe the delicious
Delight of our destination,

So all unknown Dreamed half of,
Yearned for in
That sense of "there must be more",
And here it is,
Alive and true and happening not in a screen near by
But you,

A you who is free
Of alcohol and drug,
A you who's mind is clear,
A you who is party to what may follow,
A you who adores not endures the
Anticipation the foreplay
And the game
Above all a you who takes full part,
Who says yes because she's asked,

Once I wrote "Know that I care"
And it tore me apart
I thought,
But I did know then you'd hit me
Quite so hard,
Or quite how well we fit,

For the first  time in my life I've found that
Which I sought over fifty long and
Lonely years
My match,
My love,
My souls mate,

With every shared moment,
Afloat,
In bed,
Unwell at a party,
My heart became more bound
In You

Every picture painted and photo took
(No final launch in my future now!)
Every verse we penned,
Every view we shared,
Every night we spent,
Irrevocably cemented my love,

Every entry into my life has
Made me more yours,
You make every song lyric real,
You inform every aspect
Of my life
You make me aspire to better things,

And it is you my Lady,
You You You and only You,
You for who I yield my privacy,
And you with whom
I would share
My time remaining

I'm finally liberated
From seeking that one person
In my life,
Finally free to live
The life I was meant to,
That life with You

And what would I do
Without that smart mouth?
What would I do breathing air?
But my head has never been clearer,
Nor my heart,
Nor my soul,

The lightning rods are all around me,
Above and below and beside and behind,
Even inside and through my very me and
Bursting out all over,

Because like all of us I have mine own,
Charged with all I am and
All that I desire,
All I crave and would achieve

Are described by arcing bolts
Of something like electricity,
Yet terrible and beautiful
In a way that volts alone just aren't,

But why then can I read the
Bolts of others so readily?
How is it I can reach and touch
And bend these other's

Essential sparks to better
And more profitable things?
To that my judgement feels is better,
Or is good?

Am I to be trusted with such a power
Such semi omnipotence with such
Attendant potential to harm
And maim?

Yet if not me then who?
For I do see and I am able to bend the
Struggles of another to better or for worse,
Seeing a better course I cannot help myself

But to reach out and change another's destiny,
But so far what harm have I done?
Have any truly suffered?
Has any harm been me?

None so far and this then do I share
I will continue bending lightning
The best I can and why?
Because I can

Because I dare

Because I care

I am an onion,
Layer upon layer there
Is of me,
And none of these
So readily revealed
To casual scrutiny,

Oh  no you must work
And work hard to
Learn each layer,
Reveal every closely guarded
Aspect of my being
Or my soul

But dig hard enough,
Dig deep enough
And with a sharp enough blade,
And with dedication
You may just see
That which I may choose you to

A hand that is open clings to nothing and no one
And none can tear its grip away as it holds but air,
A hand that is open is unthreatening,
An open hand is peace,
An open hand invites welcome and presence,
An open hand over the heart is a greeting,
Even if that heart
Is breaking

Pain I can take,
It's just nerves firing when all is said and done,
A few tiny tiny electrical impulses
Advising of damage or of hurt,

If it's not my head then
I can grasp it and isolate it and mitigate it
And bring the problem under control,
Mostly and more often than not,

Even a heart attack did not
Preclude a presentation duly prepared,
Albeit quieter and more hesitantly delivered
Than my usual confidence,

But the turning of friend
To unreasoning and un-listening foe,
This thing cannot be grasped nor quenched,
Even by a horse sized aspirin,

It leaves ones heart
Pierced with a jagged blade
That rips and tears a hole beyond
Imagining or control,

Faith and care and love
Hemorrhage uncontrolled
Like the tears that course down my face,
Or will if I permit,

The pain I cannot contain
But stoicism is my friend
This day and stoicism
Will stem the flow

Eventually