Pain I can take,
It's just nerves firing when all is said and done,
A few tiny tiny electrical impulses
Advising of damage or of hurt,

If it's not my head then
I can grasp it and isolate it and mitigate it
And bring the problem under control,
Mostly and more often than not,

Even a heart attack did not
Preclude a presentation duly prepared,
Albeit quieter and more hesitantly delivered
Than my usual confidence,

But the turning of friend
To unreasoning and un-listening foe,
This thing cannot be grasped nor quenched,
Even by a horse sized aspirin,

It leaves ones heart
Pierced with a jagged blade
That rips and tears a hole beyond
Imagining or control,

Faith and care and love
Hemorrhage uncontrolled
Like the tears that course down my face,
Or will if I permit,

The pain I cannot contain
But stoicism is my friend
This day and stoicism
Will stem the flow

Eventually

Our eyes meet across a crowded room
Or one where none but we are present or
Perhaps it is one and the same place,
That same room
Whence distractions of others melt,
Dissolving from our awareness

We circle in a literal and figurative manner,
Closing the gap
Two predators aware of the other's thought,
Intention and indeed desire,
Prowling in ever more certain cirlces as to the
Evenings inevitable closure

Then later when the killing is done
And all predatory passion is sated,
The post coitic
Post feasting lethargy sets in,
We stretch and yawn ,
And sleep

Peace eludes the twisted heart
Or callous soul,
Even when twists and callousness
Are aimed at avoiding pain,

Peace eludes the heart
Divided against itself
And the mouth with
A forked tongue

Will find no calm,
But truth delivered,
Though full of fear
And creating pain

Now therein lies
The peace of a righteous man,
Even if that truth he speaks
Is painful,

And if that truth is
Given freely
And with good intent
Even after some delay

Then that man
Can also be
Just as good
As that truth he speaks

Funny how the pendulum moves,
Set swaying by a finger,
Swinging  back and forth
As gravity wages war against momentum,
In a war it always wins,

In relationships too the pendulum rocks
Back and forth
But not for the wronged
For they push it to where
They want it

Because history and the present
Are writ not by the victor
But the wronged against,
And in that the pendulum hangs
At 45 degrees

I have been a dreadful man,
I have done despicable deeds
To someone I love,
Unwarrantable things,

Things of which I am rightly
And deeply ashamed,
And I could easily argue
The case that I be left,

But I am changed,
Apalled at my past and
Perceive that what I have
Is love - true love - real love,

Love that is bigger than me,
Love that matters more
Than pride or overwhelming
Confidence,

But that is all about me,
And with my history I
Really do not matter
Nor deserve a chance,

However I also see the beauty
And the value of us,
The enormity of our relationship,
To both of us,

And it is that which drives
My refusal to quit,
Makes loss of pride and dignity
All worthwhile,

Because together we are wonderful,
Together we can rule a world,
A life of our creation,

Together - and this the vital thing,
We can be that loving family
For each other
That we neither knew before,

And for that,
For you,
For us,
I will do whatever it takes

My nan died in 2005
And I inherited a money plant,
The last living possession
That she had,
And I have treasured it,

Yet despite my care
It was burned by the sun
And almost died,
Reduced from ten inches
Of shiny green health
To a stub from which
The last two leaves dropped,

Dead

But I changed the soil
And replanted those leaves,
Pressing them into the
Moist fresh dark compost,

And slowly,
Banned from interference
By those who revile me,
Those precious leaves
Have rooted,

They stand now upon a tiny stem,
Lifting themselves off the dirt
A shiny new leaf forming,
Determined to stretch skyward

And so with us.
We may be tired and weary,
Fed up with the war,
The rows,

But we have in fact
Changed OUR soil,
This compost is nutritious,
Supportive and healthy,

We can grow in this,
Love is enough because
It has all the good it needs,
The bad has been cut away

I get that your fingers
Are not green,
I feel your weariness,
So lean on me while

I continue weeding,
And soon and very soon,
We will reap a bumper crop
Of all we each deserve

Is not a word yet
It's a concept I new discovered
Since I met you
And since you met me,

You with your inscrutability
And Google-augmented English,
Me with my heart on my sleeve
And all Google Korean

Yes it's true
That language matters not yet
I never communicated so hard nor
I feel so well before,

Hours I have spent in your company
Leg pressed to leg in coach
And selfies shot in so many
Valued experiences

And soon you will be gone,
Perhaps forever,
Perhaps to return in Spring,
Perhaps to seek leave to remain,

Who knows but I do know
I hope this friendship or relationship
Or whatever it may be,
May indeed be and indeed continue

In whatever form,
Because for whatever worth it has
And for whatever difference it makes
I find myself more than fond of you

Im once bitten and thirty times shy
Yet here you are inside
My aegis and I?
Well I quite like it!

After every row,
After every disagreement,
Every fight,
There comes conversation and then silence,
And the bigger the discord it seems
Then deeper and more profound
The silence that ensues,

And this one I am in now is
Startling in its totality,
Even words do not disturb
Nor ripple
The absence of communication
And the echoing hum
Upon my mind's ears

It's a sort of stasis
Where time and blood
And passion hang
Suspended in time,
Going nowhere,
From nowhere,
Just there

I know that love will,
Like the suns rays,
Thaw us and warm us
Back to softness and intimacy,
Back to how we "are",
But 'til then and right now we sit,
In silence

And I hate it......

A race horse lives,
Indeed is bred and cherished,
To run and to gallop and to lead the field,
To leap improbable heights
And depths,
And above all this to win,

Not to fall at the first,
Or the second,
Or the third fourth and fifth,
They are creatures of
Air and thunder,
Of flying hooves and sods of earth,

Sometimes indeed they fall,
Then rise riderless
And confused,
Unsure where to go or
Indeed how fast
Or even indeed why?

But these are gathered
Gently from the field,
And returned via expensive
Wagons to the stable,
Where lads and girls and vets
Are waiting to get them right,

A veritabe deluge of love
And care and expertise
Awaits these amazing equine
Flights of fancy,
Whatever their mistakes,
Whoever they threw from the saddle,

That partnership between
Jockey and horse breeds
Love and forgiveness
No matter the error,
No matter the pain of heart
Or soul,

But what of the horse
That breaks a leg,
That does not rise
But screams too long,
Too loud?
Alas that horse however fine,

That horse is always shot,

Rage received is like heavy sea
Crashing against the rocks upon which stands a lighthouse,
The waves build up as they reach the shallows,
Steepening and rearing,
Building ire and power until
Smashing over and over
Against the rock and the edifice,
Obliterating any view of the tower
And the rock,

But this lighthouse is indeed built on rock,
With pilings driven deep and secure in
Faith in what lies behind the waves,
Knowlege that the storm will pass,
The sun will shine once more
And even as the salt water and vitriol
Do their worst,
Above it that light still shines out,
A message of love and security,

And these seas which crash into the rock
Were built up by the wind of actions
And words poorly founded,
In the true ocean there will always be
Another storm and another calm,
But rage can find peace now
Because the cause is calm,
The cause is kind,
The cause is gentle

And it holds you gently in my arms

I dont want to have to rescue you,
Although I always will,
If you call me for aid,

I do not wish to follow you
Over the side into
Waters deep and cold,

Although I always will,
If you call me for aid,

Dont want to save you
From self drowning,
While you fight with me,

Although I always will,
If you call me for aid,

I do want us to swim,
In waters calm and warm,
Together

I always will,
If you call me,

I have always had your back,
And if allowed
I always will,

But I'd love it most
My love,
If you were by my side.

I fell over the other day,
Silly and embarrassing really,
Also ****** painful and in truth?
Avoidable!

But it got me thinking because
I was pulling on a rope when it happened,
A rope that then gave way,
It doesn't matter how,

And as I fell
I grasped that natural fibre cord
Even harder as if it
Even then would save me

From the painful landing,
No breaking fall,
No twist or roll just falling
Holding a slack hempen line,

But we all do this in life,
We hold our dreams long past
The point where they
Even slightly may come true,

We grasp them ever tighter
Even as they slip through the fingers
Of our hearts
And lonely souls

Until we land as I did
In a heap - covered not in mud
But in the knowledge not sjust
That it is over (whatever "it" may be)

So much as that it never was

Nor in fact would ever be

Having caused much pain
And upset to one I love
I looked long and hard
At me to find the root
Of my failing,

I cut deep and discarded
My ego my pride
And a host of other bad
Habits that accrued
Across the years,

And deep within me
I found an eight year old
Little boy with arms
About his knees,
Head down,

His tear streaked face
Framing a mouth that
Screamed silently in pain,
Heartbreak and
Loneliness,

So I looked within
That visceral version of me,
Cutting deeper than before,
And right at his heart
I found a budded rose,

At first glance
It was perfect,
But closer view showed
Dessication discolour
And paper thin petals,

But even as I watched
Your hand appeared,
Caressed the child
Then watered his
Withered heart,

And in an instant that bud Regained its lustre
And its carmine hue,
The petals spread to glorious flower,
The silent screaming paused

In wonder then delight,
I realise now there
Was no fault in me nor
My heart or view
I just needed watering

With love

From you

All around me runners,
Running from or running to,
Running aimless
Or just plain running scared,

I'm not a runner,
I'm not built to run,
I'm built to stand and fight,
To fight and not to yield,

But some things cannot
Be fought
Some things cannot be won,
Death cannot be bartered,

Death cannot be bought,
But death can be resisted,
For me and for those I know
Death need not be final,

Need not be a final blow,
So runners pause - walk awhile,
Consider the cause of your speed,
Walk a while

Ask what do you really need?
I'm standing now and defending,
The scared and frightened and lame,
I'm helping and leading and healing

That terror which has no name
So stand with me
Or run on by,
I'm standing here still fighting,

I'm not being meek
And I'm not being mild,
I'm ****** if I'll run away waiting,
Just passively waiting to die!

In many poems,
Indeed mine own,
Relationships are defined
As two vessels sailing
In close company,
Plotting the same course
By choice and happiness
Choosing to stay close by,

But in truth a relationship
IS a ship,
A single hull with
Two crew to sail it,
Working together
To maintain the five essentials,
A level hull, with sails and foils well set,
And direction agreed,

Who holds the helm,
The tiller and extension,
That person controls
The direction of travel,
And that has been you,
When you sailed us into danger
My hand was there to guide
Us back from hazard,

Now I am steering
And the course is arrow straight
In lieu of help
Or kind suggestion,
A crew entirely focussed not
Upon the vessel but themself,
And no gentle hand to
Re direct our boat

Nor kind word
Or still small voice of calm
To calm the storm for more
Than a minute,
And that is a shame,
It takes two to tango
Only one to sail a boat,
But it is better by far

With another

Today I sailed
As we did,
I sailed at sea
As we did,

The sea was kind
And the wind was playful
As they were to us,
As we were once
With one another,

I sailed with someone else,
Someone new
Who had not sailed before,
But trusted me

She was scared of capsize
But trusted the odds,
My forty years experience
And a single tip

These had to be
Good odds of staying dry
And enjoying
A day without swimming

But my confidence
This time was misplaced
The wind and sea
Had other ideas

And so in the midst of Weymouth Bay
Where once I would have sailed with you
A windward capsize
Broke my pride,

A rudder broke my head
Cold shock broke my will
And a boat sailed beam ends
Away from me

But another day and fiercer wind
And a hard pressed persuasion
Found us asail once more
With others

This time we were whooping
This time all went well
This time my skill returned,
And I am
Over
You

I have sailed many miles
In a dinghy and in yachts,
I have experinced storms and calms and most things in between,
Too much heat
And too much cold,
Feared for my life and basked in joy,

No two trips the same even though the route
May be identical,
That is the magic of sailing,
Of boats of any type,
The variety and the
Never ending learning,

Though every day is still a school day
I am a pretty good ******,
Good enough to teach others
How to sail and to
Love the water,
Salt or fresh,

Not quite so good with life
Or love though,
In these I end in irons or adrift
Or just plain capsized,
But every day is a school day
In life just as at sea,

And I have learned that
I need not always correct
Or defend myself,
Rather I can let go my ego,
Let the love flow gently,
It is not nor ever was about me,
Or you,

It was and is and ever will be,

Always entirely US

I am too long
Outside a boat,
Too long away from the
Tip and shimmy
Of a dinghy hull,
The joyous swoop
Of a hull under sail,

Too long since my
Hand rested upon
A tiller,
Felt those five essentials
Work in balance to
Place no load
Nor need a weather helm,

Too long away from that
Which brooks no
Office politics,
No lovers tiff
Nor household chore,
Just pleased to carry me
By wind away from shore

But soon and soon
No matter the weather,
Be it storm or calm,
Sun or snow or rain,
Even frozen lake won't
Stymie my day,
For I shall sail,

And when that wood
Which bears me
Is a diamond coffin,
And life has left my body,
Be ye certain that somewhere,
God willing,
My soul is sailing still