I keep telling you
Our courses are diverging,
And they are,
By another degree with
Every ****** row,
Every irrational rant,
I'm not sure quite
How many degrees apart
We are now because we
Sometimes correct a bit,
But more than one I think,
It doesnt matter though,
Because with each degree
And 60 miles travelled
I'll be a mile away,
We travelled four years
Thus far and even from a mile away
I won't hear you any more,
That is a mathematical certainty,
But your hand is on the wheel,
Of your ship
And so is mine on mine,
And soon it'll be time to tack.

444 months ago,
Give or take a few,
And 444 miles it seems,
Are time and distance
That define a tragedy
Of my youth,

For I was too much the gentleman
And the officer,
And you in your beauty
And naivete
Or so I thought

Too young to read
The signs carved in words,
Roads miles driven,
Time in dinghy upon the Dart,
To hear the words unsaid,
Torn from my very heart,

So 444 miles were complete,
444 months sailed past
As once past Sandquay we
Surpassed
The time we were allowed,
And DQ sanction held me fast

Lucy in the sky will sing no more,
To an audience made of one,
And ghosts of younger thee and me,
Still mourn what we might have won,
And older wiser heads and hearts,
Will wonder ever more,

What might,

Have been

I wrote that my
Eight year old
Is no longer screaming,
That a loving hand
Watered the budded rose
Deep within him
And therefore me,
And thereby changed
EVERYTHING,

Now life is like walking
Across an ancient battlefield,
I know for sure
That armed struggle
And violence took place
Right where I walk,
But now the breeze
Carries only the sound
Of bird's songs

My feet swish through
Meadow grass,
No longer mud
From Flanders fields,
I like,
No in fact I love
Walking here now,
Will you perhaps
Come walk here too?

I worked it out - ADHD that is,
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder?
My ****!
For those of us caught in the maelstrom
Of irrationality, rage, accusation and self centredness,
Those of us doomed
To love these creatures,
ADHD is just
A Depressing Horrible Death,
When it could, and should,
Be A Delightful Heavenly Destiny,
Oh well,

How far that bar
Could have been
Removed from safe endeavour
Had a hand wandered
Beneath a table,
Or a touch been left
To warm too long,

A fractional delay that says
This is no accident and yet
Not enough to be
Reacted to except
Somewhere deep
In that carnal zone
We fear and desire
So much
To free upon an
Innocent world,

That sense of safe and loyal
Moral status quo,
Quivers under stress
And tremors in the face
Of her carnal monster,
Who's teeth bare and snarl at the bars
Of polite and acceptable behaviour,

But yet that rigid
Smiling calm prevails
(Albeit by a tooth's skin
And the blessed lack of that final back snapping
Straw of temptation)
And as the heat,
That innocent heat from a
Boiling sun, builds
The words come that say
"Let's leave it here
Upon a high"

Once again here I am,
Lost in the silence occasioned
By you and your choosing,
Not mine,
But in part through me
And my inability to calm
Us when we row,

Here I am alone in
That most dreadful of ways,
Outside the light of your love,
Outside the warmth of
Our embrace - that hug which
Means so very much
To this tortured heart,

Here I am,
Alone with my thoughts,
Alone in the cold and the darkness
Bleakly aware of your absence,
The lack of you is a visceral aching pain
That tears and coils inside me
As I pen this verse,

And we are close now
To that joy we both desire,
Because we have both been
Heard at last my love,
And the hearing has made a difference
That dispelled the need for you
To fight or me fight back,

And that cease is vital
To both of us because
For my part at least,
And I hope yours too,
I love what we have when
It works,
Im not ready to say goodbye.

Once you bestowed your favour
Upon this knight
And won his heart
And sword and shield,
Won his love
His effort on your behalf
And every protection in his power,

But you were and are no lady,
For you ascribe no true value
To a knight's devotion
Nor perceive the value of
That which you cast hence,
As if nothing,

But I remain a knight,
Armed and armoured,
Still dangerous,
Still deadly and inviolate,
Wounded maybe yet bleeding inside,
Not outside where you may see,
And I'll take another's favour,

One day perhaps you will see
The error of your ways,
One day the dragons and brigands
May tear your world apart
But I will not be there,
You'll see my strong arms that once
Were yours

Around another,
Keeping her safe,
Making her great,
Being with her,
And as we walk away
You'll see this knight will not
Look
Back.

Alabaster Indian Alabaster Indian
This is Earth calling!
Alabaster Indian Alabaster Indian,
Your soul mate is reaching out
Across the void that divides us,

Alabaster Indian you need to know
That your life is not nearly over,
That OUR life can be only just begun,
Oh what a life!

Alabaster Indian we have seen
Our last savage row,
For we each have heard the other
And at the same time been heard,
FELT that we have been,

You have been floundering
In the bog of your father's making,
But finally you hear me yelling
Where the rope is not driving
You deeper and down as he did,

Please dont grab that rope
Without me there
To make it fast
And haul you safely
Home to shore,

Because ropes and knots
And YOU my love
Are things that I live for,
The things I love and treasure
And,
In your case,

Alabaster Indian

That I would gladly die for.

I am an old fashioned lover,
When I love I really
REALLY love,
Pour out all of me,
For and over and all about
The woman I adore,

And sometimes it has been
Worth it and wonderful,
Time and a journey shared,
And sometimes, truthfully?
Not so much wonder full,
So much as I really wonder why,

And then there's you,
Poured out over big time
Loved and adored to my detriment,
But sharing and reciprocation?
No, you were are and always will be

All about

You.

Its the silence that Gets me most
Of all,
The lack of,
The void no longer filled by,
Well - you!

You crept beneath
My radar so I never
Saw you coming,
And now that
Not seeing,
That absence of view
And hearing,
Sod it that absence
In every sense,
All six in fact for
We both know the width
And depth
And power of
Our interactions,
Well,
That blindness is ****** awful!
And I thought you should know

Laid to the tree,
Which shivers with every blow,
A few leaves shimmying down
Before their time,
Their green already starting brown,

Another slash of a knife
Across the cords of the hawser
That binds us in life and love,
An ominous cracking creak
As our hulls inch further apart,

Every forgotten little thing
That means nothing to you
Is a wedge, and even those
That do matter? the forgetting
Doesn't matter to you,

And this is why we are
Diverging and inexorably parting,
Because all you see is you,
Your sole perspective is viewed from you,
No empathy or care,

And when the tree falls,
The moorings part,
And you find yourself alone
On a lonely sea,
I  doubt you will understand

But sure as eggs is eggs,
I know you'll say
It's my fault.

My archetypes are strong,
Indeed have always been,
But how very out of whack they are!

For I have the Lover's sorrow,
Oh boy DO I!
The yellow dawn of
My lover has known no bounds,
Loving oh so very well,
Yet also so very very much,
And contrary to my promise,
I HAVE taken so very much
So very personally,

Talking of bounds,
My scarlet Warrior never heard of such,
Certainly never observed any
As I crashed raging through lives -
Others as well as mine own -
Yet for all the dynamic charging
And lack of regard,
Doing my honourable best,
Albeit that which suited me,

And thence from the dark
Comes my Magician,
Swathed in black and the shadows
Of a thousand thousand fears,
Machiavellian and mysterious,
Bending wills and manipulating
Hearts and minds and souls
To mine own ends while
Making no assumptions,

But whispering too in the ear
Of my joyful Sovereign,
Stood proud in blinding white,
Balancing the three servants,
The kingdom and
The excesses of those others,
Making of me the best
That I can be,

For when all is said
And all is done,
My word
Remains,
My bond.

War is hell and battles
Are ****** and hard
Whether in flander's fields
Or spiritual plains,

As I sit scrubbing ocre
From my sword's flanks
Lest it's vitriol pit
My blade

I test the edge and run
An oilstone along to
Finesse away dullness,
And look around

At a post martial landscape
Littered with scorched scars Where demons were,
And shell holes whence

Came criticism and ungrateful
Viciousness and suspicion,
And realise for the ten Thousandth time

There is no victory in valour,
Nor glory in a battle won,
Just a grubby pause before
The next attack

I wake abruptly
In the early hours,
To a lungful of
Icy air,
The curtains flapping idly
In the breeze,

Fear fades as I recognise my
Darkened room,
Well known shapes
Of furniture
And shadows cast by
Newly bulbed street lights

Yet what woke me
Was and indeed remains
A mystery,
But something did,
Something lost or hiding now in
Mists of memory

Through which my minds eye
Cannot pierce,
But vaguely seen are
Edges and corners
Hovering at perceptions edge
As I roll over

And go

Back to sleep

I have given you the bakery,
The flour mill,
The barn,
I have passed the keys and title
To these allegories of
My heart entire,
Placed them in your care,
Expecting the deeds to your
Estate at some point in return,
Your physicality,
Your romance,
Love
And your desire and yet
Your response is nary
A crumb,
Let alone a slice or a loaf
From even my own oven,
The flour that I have planted and grown,
And harvested and milled,
All counts for nowt,
So I'm folding those deeds away now,
And watching and waiting
To see what crop
You choose to reap instead,
What crop,
Which farm,
And indeed with whom.

When we were together
There were ballbearings
In our lives and in our poetry
And in mine in latter days
One huge one with
Mass unarguable,

That ball of steel moved
On glistening rails,
No more sped up than slowed,
Proceeding on its way
Towards a life or solution
Beyond our ken

When the ruckus hit
And brown hit fan we might
Yet have overcome as it's a huge ball
Capable of squashing any
**** in our road
Yet you suddenly are gone

And I do not get how
You escaped the bearings path,
It and we were set for good
Yet here you aren't,
You're on a different track
With smaller bearings now

And seem unaware you ever saw
That sweet gleaming steel
That bound us once,
But that is you and you
Are weak while I remain
Ballbearing bound

Yes you had the best of me,
You also had the worst
Sadly all you see
Or acknowledge
Is that you had the worst,
Complain ad infinitum
About the bad,
Never once admitted
The good

I don’t like blondes,
They bite and tear out the still beating heart
Of me their victim,
But I do like you

I don’t put myself out for blondes
Because when all is said and done
They are just not worth it
But I waited four hours in the cold
For you

I much prefer a brunette,
You know where you are with brown,
But it’s blonde hair in my dreams these days
And it’s not a cause to frown

Blondes are predatorsand have more fun
As they casually tear up lives,
But you are just independent,
And competent and kind,
Maybe just maybe- who knows if it’s true?

One Day maybe one day
I might much more
Than just like
You

You can really hurt yourself
If you hold your breath too long,
Headaches and dulled vision,
Part way to passing out with enough
Determination,
Add water and depth and a swift rise,
The bends as bubbles of gas
Form in unhelpful places,
Or swam too deep too far
And barely making the surface
That suddenly seems so far
From my feebly flapping limbs,

I guess we have all held
Our breath across the years,
Waiting on some thing or someone
To finally come good,
Or arrive or even just to be,
Somehow or somewhere or somewhen,
Breath suspended,
Life on hold just waiting with
Inextinguishable hope
Of something good,
And precious,
Worth waiting for,

Well I know I have,
And I know I have been the one,
The thing and or the circumstance
That has caused breath to be held,
And to my shame not always
Was I worth it,
But now - actually it is me with bursting lungs,
And the pain is near unbearable,
Perhaps time to let out that air with
A loud and pain filled gush,
To turn and start the swim
To shore

Some dreams are never meant

To be

The butler falls for the princess
As much as the Lord ever falls for the maid,
And even from his inferior role
Might feel
Albeit briefly and in error
Like a master of the palace,
When his princess fawns upon him
And lies beneath,
All alabaster perfection and
Perfume and passion,

Yet when all is done and said,
Whether in or on,
Even under the bed,
He's still the butler,
She's still better made,
She will never be his
No matter his dreams
Aspirations or hopes,
Or what with her legs spread
She said,

Because she is a princess,
She has no thought of
Love for a lower form such as he,
He scratches an itch to be sure
Which left un relieved might
Be sore,
But her parts and her heart are
Both bound towards someone more,
Much finer,
Far richer
Much better,
Than he.

Trust is my drug of choice
Secrets the pills I take,
Seduction is my favourite thing
Or perhaps it is the engineering of
mine own seduction,
How sweet to be hunted because
One desired it and therefore made it so?
Yet justice says that once seduced
I owe a deep sating of desire the like
Not known before,
And that part also
I can do

We are all the sum
Of choices made,
Whether right or whether wrong,
Made in good faith
Or in bad,
And the Good Lord knows
I have made many good but
Also many bad,
Worse than that I have acted
Upon the worst of these,
As much as on the best,
But here is the question
That I wonder,
When it came from push
To shove,
I chose
You,
Did I do right to love you?
Or is this love just another
Poor and painful
Choice?
Only you can truly answer,
But to see that I have invested My all in your net nothing
Would break my heart