I know things hurt you and weigh down on your soul.
And people have left you and just let you fall.
I know I've been one of them a time or two.
But I swear on my life, I'll be better for you.
I would give you my own heart,
though it may be more torn.
I would find you a rose to hold
without any thorns.
I would read up on jokes and things to make you smile.
And lay on the couch and just listen for awhile.
I would listen to your problems, your dreams, your hopes.
I would listen to your secrets and not let anybody know.
I would give you my whole self,
with both of my hands.
And follow in your footsteps wherever you ran.
We would go on adventures to just forget the world.
Play in the grass, watch the clouds swirl and swirl.
And when the sun finally set,
like the fire in your eyes;
I would be there for you to just let you cry.
Cry about whatever;
but I would hold your hand close.
And tell you I love you and never let you go.
I would lie down beside you whenever you fell;
fight off the demons of your personal hell.
And in the morning I'd hug you as soon as you wake;
and whisper, "Keep smiling. Today's a new day."

Isn't it funny,
That you want things
You dont have,
and have things you don't want.
And you spend your time praying,
Trying to justify sin
And pass it off as love.
We get this idea in our heads,
That we aren't meant to be alone.
That the only point in life
Is to find someone to make you
Feel complete.
But if you need someone to fill you,
Isn't that just like putting a bandaid
Over a bullethole?
There's always the possibility
Of love leaving,
Of having empty spaces again?
I think its more important to
Complete yourself.
People come and go like seasons.
But you will always be stuck
With yourself.
So live and love as hard as you can.
As passionately as you can.
And remember that the last persons
Voice you'll hear when you lie
Down to drift off into eternal sleep,
Is your own.

Today, the 11 days are over.
You packed up your bags,
Stepped foot out of your house,
And that was it.
Your life will never be the same again.
I've sent you multiple messages the past two days..
And had to get drunk just to do it.
I wish it wasn't this way..
Wish it was easier.
But its not, Bug.
We've never been easy.
But through it all,
I've love you,
And you me,
And I suppose that's most important.
Today was my favorite singers birthday,
And I planned to *****-to-the-wall celebrate.
but as everyone else was tAking shots in her honor,
I found I was taking them to numb the pain in my chest.
You see, I could feel you leaving..
I could feel the pull of the universe shift
From south to north.
I tried to drown you out with alcohol,
But when igot home,
I had to speak to you just once more.
I had to tell you how much I missed you already,
How much you had meant to me.
Even if it was futile..
Even if i swore to myself i could be strong,
It wouldnt hurt me to see you go..
Oh, but it did.
I know I'm not number one anymore,
And I can honestly say that I'm happy you've found
Someone who doesn't bring you down,
Someone so different from me.
I know its gonna be hard for you..
I mean Jesus Christ, Ive been bawling for
The better part of an hour.
But you can do it.
I believe in you.
I always will.
I will miss you so much.
And I don't care who thinks they know you better..
Former number one or not,
I know you,
And that may be the only thing that never changes.

You left me.
I was alone.
You were supposed to be there,
but you decided who was most important.
I want you to know that it hurt me so bad,
I felt like I had died for a time.
But then I realized it was you who died,
and I mourn your loss.
The ghost of my friend hangs over my shoulder.
And I mourn you.
But this was your choice.
So when its all over,
and you have questions and want answers..
Find a mirror.
Because I won't mourn you forever.
I can't,

I think when I first saw you,
I swallowed you like my anti depressant pills,
and you settled into my stomach.
When I first saw you,
A thousand seconds in time wrapped themselves in silk,
And became cocoons of memories.
Turning into butterflies,
they fly around in my chest.
When I see your smile,
when I hear your laugh,
when I remember the stars in your eyes.
When I first saw you,
I wanted to breathe in all of the air of the earth.
Because you...
You took my breath away.
When I first saw you,
I wanted to live.
For the first time in my life..
I wanted to  live.
But minutes turned to seconds on our pocket watches,
and you sat on the hillside of my insides with a gun.
You sat there and shot down all my butterflies.
And now..
I don't want to live.
And I don't want to love.
I want to die.
You took love from me.
You stamped at it with your feet like cigarette ashes but I'm still burning.
You grabbed me by my throat and whispered,
"I love you."
And as you left me there dying,
with my last breath I apologized for getting blood on your coat.

I am sorry for all I caused you.
I saw you sink in my eyes and I lost you.
Thought it cost you,
To see me breathe in broken souls,
Never knew about the love I sold.
I ripped up all the truths in my head,
Wished me dead in a bed
Where I bled,
And the wind spoke.
All the secrets that I had inside me
Beat on the doors till they shattered and the lock broke,
I always felt like a flower on a hillside,
Mercy to the wind and you till I
finally died.
The sun set in my throat,
It rained in my eyes,
I had no where to go.
I am sorry that my anger left stains on your skin.
But you cut me with the lies you told,
And you broke me with things that we never could have been.
I sinned,
Serpents sliding down my cheeks.
When I speak,
Its like the tide is in my mouth,
The waves moving south until they're gone.
We build up our bodies,
Broken promises,
And whispers we hear in our head.
The foundation we've set is shaking,
It can't handle us breaking,
And can't handle us faking so tell the truth.
I have never lied to you.
But you took the love I gave and you threw it.
I never knew how my half a heart craved your hand but now I do.
You are like the greatest poison.
Moving through my own veins with no noise and,
My hands shake wothout my fix,
But you can't fix me,
Its true.
I need you to stay here now,
While I fly away,
Leaving you standing on the ground,
Don't frown,
You never needed me,
With concieded tragedy
Trembling from your lips.
And I know you can feel it,
Can taste materiality when you kiss.
My head is crashing,
My body thrashing
on the ground till its blue,
I'm not saying that I want to leave,
I'm just saying that you can't love me like I need.
I know it might be hard
But I'm looking so far
And all I can see is my tears.
How am I supposed to live this way?
Waiting day by day
For you to reveal all my fears.
You know I hate my future,
As much as I hate your present suture
You're letting dive into your heart.
I don't know how to start,
In a world where you're my world
But I'm not yours.
I say that I will leave and close the door,
Leave it a crack,
So I can see your light in the dark,
And find my way back.
All I asked of you was your hand,
Press it to my chest,
I know you can.
You make me resent all the words that I've said,
Went through your ears,
Passed by your brain and out your head.
You said,
You don't know how to help me,
I'm not the titanic that's sinking,
Just a person that's wishing,
that someone had taught me to swim.
I know you don't get me,
Don't understand what my head thinks,
Well darling that makes two.

I feel like taking revenge,
every time you cancel on me,
or put me off again,
or call me last.
I feel like making you feel,
all the things I feel.
Hurt,
            rejection,
                             ­  sadness;
and don't forget, anger.
I feel like taking revenge,
but I'm far too kind for that.

I want you to know that sometimes I become so scared of the future, tendrils of birds burst from my rib cage.
I can feel the cuts on my palms from trying to push back time.
Memories claw out of my fore arms and drip down my finger tips.
I can feel the venom of broken promises course theough my veins.
And I am terrified.
I have witnessed the aftermath of a hurricane.
And the first handful of dirt thrown into the grave.
I can't be your silver lining anymore.
I can't be your saving grace.
I can't even be your still day.
But I can be your shadow.
The wind.
Maybe even a stain on your soul.
I want you to know that I could see stardust when you were with me.
And hear angels when you smiled.
That it may have taken awhile,
But I realized what god was everytime you laughed.
I want you to know that you were the best part of me.
And that if I tried to hold in my hands, all the seconds that I thanked God for your existence, it would spill out of my hands like grains of sand and dry up all the oceans.
I will miss the gold flecks in your eyes.
I will miss the skip in your step.
I Will miss your compassion.
It may hurt, but i want you to fly.
Fly, and never look back.
Not even for me.

I hope you know that I'll always hold you;

always catch you when you fall.

You're so strong, with your proud chin hoisted upwards.

No one would ever see the slouch in your shoulders,

unless you wanted them to.

The tiredness of your eyes;

deep purple smudges on your eyelids.

Your smile may settle in a delightful curve

but it doesn't set in your eyes like the sun.

I will catch you, I promise;

If you should choose to fall, do not be wary.

You won't hit the hard ground, the cold earth.

But you will hit my arms.

And you can just rest there.

Rest there, my dear.

And don't worry about anything.

You don't have to speak;

I will listen to the way your voice sounds,

sincere or not;

I will catch you, darling.

If you should ever fall.

I have a friend,
She jumps hurdles.
For me,
She seems quiet,
In her zone,
Eyes focused on what's ahead,
I stand at one end of the stadium,
pretending to read a book,
But with eyes behind dark glasses,
I enjoy watching her in a different realm.
She runs up and down the field,
And stops to chat with different people,
Which I find encouraging,
Because she seems to not care who those people are,
Or that they have a past,
That may be filled with secrets as dark as my t shirt.
When its her turn to run,
She stands at the blocks,
The man says "ready"
But she treats it as if its a question
Because she goes down on one knee
And flips her hair over her left shoulder,
Pulls each leg of her spandex down,
As if it'll make them grow in length,
Which I find amusing.
The man with the gun says "set"
And she rises in the air before it goes off
And as it does,
She explodes outward like ocean mist
Hitting black cliffsides
And I wonder how she seems to bring her own sunset
Becasue as she runs,
The colors never leave her face
Even when she crosses the finish line.
The other runners must see it too,
Becasue they seem to slow their step
To watch her set out in front of them
Which I think is funny,
Because they don't even get to watch the clouds break
When she smiles after ******* In a few gusts of wind.
I like to watch all people do the things they love,
But maybe it means more when you're watching someone
you truly wish to be happy
No matter the cost of yourself.
I was Sitting underneath a tree
That was raining pieces of bark down around me
Maybe to try an make the scene more poetic
As if it could change itself into water.
I was deep in thought,
Which annoys me sometimes
Cause I think too much,
But anyways,
I was thinking about how the hurdler
Doesn't just run races
On harmless school fields,
Jumping tiny tables laid out for her.
She also jumps hurdles in her own life,
Which are usually much bigger,
and scarier.
But just like the start,
She seems to crouch down at the sight of the people and their guns,
And springs forward,
Pushing against the ground, not running away,
But conquering everything before her.
And when she gets done with her race,
I can't help but swell with pride,
Because even her running,
seems to create poems of her life.
She handles each hurdle with such grace,
And respect,
a sort of beauty.
My eyes seem to always smile,
When I stand where I always am,
At the finish.
Waiting.
I stand at the end and not the start
Because just like in life,
I can't wait to see her conquer each hurdle
And meet me at the finish line
where ill always be,
With a smile,
Waiting for the hurdler.
Waiting,
For her to win.

Staring at my hands;
a realization that
the love line that runs
through my palm
is broken.

*So that explains it.

Today I am so high,
I swear I can touch the sky,
So close to Heaven,
I want to die.
So close to God,
I see the light.

If you wonder why I only stay for hours,
and pull out of your drive at midnight..
Its because I don't want you to see me
pulling at my skin and
clawing at my face.
I don't want you to see me
snap rubber bands on my wrists to
hide the lines the next morning.
I don't want you to see me,
Tear streaked,
Red faced,
Screaming out at everything inside of me,
Trying to cut the broken pieces out of myself,
Tongue black from the smoke
and sluggish from the bottle.
Have you ever noticed that you've necer seen me cry?
You've never seen me bleed?
No.
Because once I start, I can't stop.
I'm going from bad to worse,
and I refuse to take you with me.

When I say that I want to die,
I don't mean that I want to leave
My friends and family.
I mean I want all the bad parts of myself to be killed.
I'm tired of the nightmares,
The confusion.
The loneliness,
The depression,
The anger...
I want all of it gone.
I can put it away,
I can hold it inside,
I can pretend to be good
And happy
And sane.
But when it comes down to it,
I'm all bad things underneath.
And even though I try to make myself
Good...
The bad things always come right back to the surface,
I can't escape,
And oh my god.
I want to die

I may be a thousand different puzzle pieces,
Trying to smash together.
I may be a little bit of sun,
a little bit of rain,
and a whole lot of stormy weather.
I may be a million broken truths,
a thousand ragged scars,
and have a heart that's black and blue.
But now I have an unchained smile,
A sense of self worth..
All of it thanks to you.

It's hard letting go.
I'm finally at peace, but it feels wrong.
Slow, I'm getting up.
My hands and feet are weaker than before.

And you are folded on the bed,
Where I rest my head.
There's nothing I can see,
Darkness becomes me.

But I'm already there.
I'm already there.
Wherever there is you,
I will be there too.

There's nothing that I'd take back.
But it's hard to say there's nothing I regret.

Cause when I sing, you shout.
I breathe out loud.
You bleed, we crawl like animals.
But when it's over, I'm still awake.

A thousand silhouettes,
dancing on my chest.
No matter where I sleep,
you are haunting me.

But I'm already there,
I'm already there.
Wherever there is you,
I will be there too.
But I'm already there,
I'm already there.
Wherever there is you,
I will be there too.

Cause I'm already there,
I'm already there,
Wherever there is you,
I will be there too.

I had a box of letters that I kept hidden in the crawl space in the attic. They were all to you. I would read through old stories and moments that we shared and the fire in my chest would burn even higher than before. I wrote to you, and told you how you seemed like the air and that I wanted to breathe you in. How you were the sun, and I wanted to spend my whole life in the summer. How you were the rain, and how I fell for you to be like the rain too. One day I got angry, angry because it had stopped raining, yet the sun didnt show through. And I tried to take in lungfulls of air but I choked on nothing. I took our box of letters and secrets, our box of late night tear stains and drunken conversations and lit a match. I burnt them all. So I could just forget about everything and the fire would die out inside of me. But I found that box today with only one letter inside. "J-," it read, "it has always been you. -S" you'll never see it. But it has.. It has always been you.

Wake up, bake it.
Give no *****, fake it.
Days spent, nothing.
Nights dreamt, loving.
Kids home, screams start.
MTV, Mario cart.
Big sis, no heart.
Big sis, love art.
Paints herself, always red.
Wishes herself, always dead.
Snapped wrists, knuckles bled.
Voices always fill her head.
Moms home, red eyed.
***** bottle, she always lied.
Names Jeff, *******.
Names Ben, ******* too.
Daddy says, he wants to die.
Comes in my room, starts to cry.
He's been googling, clean suicide.
Asks the same question, who am I?
Brother screams, stamps his feet.
Sisters crazy, no nice and neat.
Go in my room, close the door.
Try not to breathe, lay on the floor.
Try not to cry, punch a door.
Try not to die, try not to soar.
Hand swollen, can't move.
Pack a bowl, for one not two.
Breathe in deep, let it sit
Listen to music, begin to slip.
Drink a bottle, finally faded.
Drop the mask, no masquerading.
Pass out, dreams are waiting.
Pass out, finally escaping.

Why doesn't the moon cry tears like I do?
Maybe that's what rain is.
I need a cigarette.
No you don't.
You don't need a ******* cigarette.
I want to sit on the roof.
It's so cold out though.
I'm so tired, I just want to sleep.
I have to be up in 4 hours.
Maybe I'll make breakfast.
I don't like the color yellow.
But I do like the color of the sun.
I wish my mom told me she was proud of me when she was sober.
I think that dragons existed at one point.
You can tell me you don't believe In magic, but if you look at the person you love and smile, I'll know you're lying.
I hate it when people are better than me.
I need to sleep.
I want to record my dreams.
I want to forget my nightmares.
I want to **** the boy with the blue billed nike hat.
I love it when frogs croak.
I have to get up on 4 hours.
Breaking Bad is pretty good.
Walking Dead is better.
PLL is my favorite show though.
I should watch the titanic.
My dad would yell at me.
I need to be famous.
I'm so tired.
I just want to sleep.
Today will be a good day.
Today will be terrible.
Maybe I should shower.
I think I might pass out.
Why does everybody always fight?
I can't tell if blue is my favorite color,
Or red.
I want to travel.
Oh my gosh.. Paris.
My eyelashes aren't even long.
I'm so tired.
I need to sleep.
I'm so glad to be alive today.
I'm so tired.
I want to die.

Raging, staging, contemplating and waiting.
Bleeding out seeds from knees that heed not one thing
****** up.
Roughed up.
Rain Falling from eyes that sting
Sing
Of heart ache of heart break
Starving
Silent.
Why vent.
Holding on to hell
They call it life
But it's not, it's a well
Can you tell
From the smell
Of broken dreams and torn seams
And wrists bleed and ghosts seen
Compassion snapping
Planes crashing
Sea water splashing
Waves
Waves of pain
Of shame
Of heart break
Of tear stains
Insane
I am
Always will be
Always reeling
Always sealing
Lips closed
I know
That you know that I'll go
Chest snow
Chest dust
Chest rust
Hollow
I swallow
I try
I swallow
I breathe
I see
I bleed
Never dying, always crying
Always trying always spying
Why're you lying
Fear
You see her
But don't see her
I don't see her
But I see her
Happiness
Not mine
But it's fine
I don't mind, to die
But why is it so slow
Why must I go
I don't know
All I am is bad
All I am is sad
I'm so sorry I get mad
You don't deserve to be treated bad
My heart breaks
Millions of pieces
Of your name
In blood stains
This story is all the same
I'm just trying to show you
That I am insane

Have you ever tried to flex your heart to make sure it was still in your chest?

Everytime you tried to choke down what was hurting you, you realized it didn't matter anymore.

Lately, I've been doing okay. Except when the night starts telling secrets to the dawn so I have to make sure they don't whisper your name.

Please, don't worry about me though. Just focus on being happy.



Maybe one day, things will be in a place where you can see a shadow and smile without swallowing shards of glass.

E**ven though I promised to always be here, it will **** is both if I stay. I'm so sorry.