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Oct 2014 · 11.1k
Hello Again.
I thought that saying goodbye,
would be the hardest thing to say to you.
And in a way it was,
but in another it wasn't.
It felt sad; it felt exhilarating.

I thought that love, all kinds,
meant giving you're all to someone.
But it doesn't, it means something more.
It means that you give them a piece
of yourself for them to cherish,
and they do the same.

But you can't give something away,
that doesn't exist.
I didn't understand at first,
but now I do.

I never loved myself,
I loved you.
I used to feel I would die
with joy from being around you.

And then I woke up one morning,
and I realized that I did die.

That the every miniscule piece of who I was,
had ceased to exist.
I realized that I was empty,
and always had been.

So instead of killing myself for your love,
I lived for my own.

And now I drive around,
listening to Tom Petty,
wearing red lipstick;
lips wrapped around the back half of a cigarette..

And I am so happy.

I feel free.
I feel like I can conquer anything,
because I escaped a painful death;
a death by you.

But then it was time to say "Hello again.."
and it was harder than goodbye.
It brang back the memories of sadness.
Of lonliness.
Of being afraid.

Then the moment passed...

*And I still feel free.
Sometimes I wish we would have met today instead.. I think we might have been better to each other.
Oct 2014 · 11.3k
One Love.
Isn't it funny,
That you want things
You dont have,
and have things you don't want.
And you spend your time praying,
Trying to justify sin
And pass it off as love.
We get this idea in our heads,
That we aren't meant to be alone.
That the only point in life
Is to find someone to make you
Feel complete.
But if you need someone to fill you,
Isn't that just like putting a bandaid
Over a bullethole?
There's always the possibility
Of love leaving,
Of having empty spaces again?
I think its more important to
Complete yourself.
People come and go like seasons.
But you will always be stuck
With yourself.
So live and love as hard as you can.
As passionately as you can.
And remember that the last persons
Voice you'll hear when you lie
Down to drift off into eternal sleep,
Is your own.
Aug 2014 · 9.8k
Car Radio- 21 Pilots
I ponder of something great
My lungs will fill and then deflate
They fill with fire
Exhale desire
I know it's dire
My time today

I have these thoughts
So often I ought
To replace that slot
With what I once bought
'Cause somebody stole
My car radio
And now I just sit in silence

Sometimes quiet is violent
I find it hard to hide it
My pride is no longer inside
It's on my sleeve
My skin will scream
Reminding me of
Who I killed inside my dream
I hate this car that I'm driving
There's no hiding for me
I'm forced to deal with what I feel
There is no distraction to mask what is real
I could pull the steering wheel

I have these thoughts
So often I ought
To replace that slot
With what I once bought
'Cause somebody stole
My car radio
And now I just sit in silence

I ponder of something terrifying
'Cause this time there's no sound to hide behind
I find over the course of our human existence
One thing consists of consistence
And it's that we're all battling fear
Oh dear, I don't know if we know why we're here
Oh my, 
Too deep
Please stop thinking
I liked it better when my car had sound

There are things we can do
But from the things that work there are only two
And from the two that we choose to do
Peace will win
And fear will lose
There's faith and there's sleep
We need to pick one please because
Faith is to be awake
And to be awake is for us to think
And for us to think is to be alive
And I will try with every rhyme
To come across like I am dying
To let you know you need to try to think

I have these thoughts
So often I ought
To replace that slot
With what I once bought
'Cause somebody stole
My car radio
And now I just sit in silence

I ponder of something great
My lungs will fill and then deflate
They fill with fire
Exhale desire
I know it's dire
My time today

I have these thoughts
So often I ought
To replace that slot
With what I once bought
'Cause somebody stole
My car radio
And now I just sit in silence
Aug 2014 · 8.0k
Time to fly, Bug.
Today, the 11 days are over.
You packed up your bags,
Stepped foot out of your house,
And that was it.
Your life will never be the same again.
I've sent you multiple messages the past two days..
And had to get drunk just to do it.
I wish it wasn't this way..
Wish it was easier.
But its not, Bug.
We've never been easy.
But through it all,
I've love you,
And you me,
And I suppose that's most important.
Today was my favorite singers birthday,
And I planned to *****-to-the-wall celebrate.
but as everyone else was tAking shots in her honor,
I found I was taking them to numb the pain in my chest.
You see, I could feel you leaving..
I could feel the pull of the universe shift
From south to north.
I tried to drown you out with alcohol,
But when igot home,
I had to speak to you just once more.
I had to tell you how much I missed you already,
How much you had meant to me.
Even if it was futile..
Even if i swore to myself i could be strong,
It wouldnt hurt me to see you go..
Oh, but it did.
I know I'm not number one anymore,
And I can honestly say that I'm happy you've found
Someone who doesn't bring you down,
Someone so different from me.
I know its gonna be hard for you..
I mean Jesus Christ, Ive been bawling for
The better part of an hour.
But you can do it.
I believe in you.
I always will.
I will miss you so much.
And I don't care who thinks they know you better..
Former number one or not,
I know you,
And that may be the only thing that never changes.
Aug 2014 · 6.0k
11 days.
You ask me if I'm okay
And I can't even tell you
Because the words break in my throat
Like waves crashing against the cliffside.
How  can I look at something I knew
Like a scientific conviction
And believed in with a faith
Stronger than that of god,
And choke out the words,
"How could i still love you,
Through all this pain you've caused?"
I've always been broken,
Something that I've accepted
Like the knowledge that the sun comes up each morning
And goes back down at night.
I never asked for any of it,
And never asked anyone but God and Archangel Micheal
For help.
But you heard the echo of my plea,
And mistook it for a cry for your help.
I never asked it of you
Yet you acted as if I expected you to stop your life
To find and mend the pieces.
In reality,
All I asked for was your support as a friend.
But even that was too much.
You ignored me.
Me and my pain.
Maybe you didn't want to deal with it,
And I can assure you that I did not.
But you made me a million promises
And broke every single one.
I suppose you did it to protect yourself,
And through everything,
I've learned that from you.
I've learned to fight for my soul too.
So now I begin writing my goodbyes
Which will probably come to you in a thousand fragments.
But this is it.
The pain and anger over the last 6 months was heart shattering.
I've come to resent you.
For loving you so much that I can't tell you I can't love you anymore.
And even though I cherish and love
The people who laid next to me when I was sick..
Who never left or judged or pitied..
Who were just..
It will hurt every time someone mentions your name
Until the day I die.
And even when they shower me in the light of their smiles,
I will miss you like a bad habit,
And yearn to see your eyes
Like the steely kiss of cold metal on my wrist.
Jul 2014 · 6.0k
Sophie's Choice.
You left me.
I was alone.
You were supposed to be there,
but you decided who was most important.
I want you to know that it hurt me so bad,
I felt like I had died for a time.
But then I realized it was you who died,
and I mourn your loss.
The ghost of my friend hangs over my shoulder.
And I mourn you.
But this was your choice.
So when its all over,
and you have questions and want answers..
Find a mirror.
Because I won't mourn you forever.
I can't,
Jul 2014 · 6.5k
Lydia, Lydia,
There are broken angels
beneath your skin.

Your face is stone,
and white as snow,
where the color should have been.

Your husband is by your side,
middle school passion left undead.
Your sister over your right shoulder,
smiling like the day you wed.

You don't hear Zach's talk of cereals,
but a tight smile shows on your face.
The greif streaked grime of tears and salt
rims your neck like wedding lace.

Tomorrow you will rise
and pour milk into your bowl.
Look across the table,
just to feel your crushing soul.

To not see the eyes
that were there for twenty years.
To share no more secrets,
or confide her sisterly fears.

You both spent your life devoted
to three hundred sixty-five words
of repiticious hope.
Only to wake up with the flipping of a page,
to find a car bent in ash and smoke.

This hollow eyed shell I saw in the store
clenched her teeth up tight,
to suffer along like the people of The Book,
and hold Faith to Father of Light.

You made me shed tears for you,
because you made me come to see
I would never leave my little sister
By any of my own means.

I felt cheated for you,
so joyous in your Word.
To spread the light of God
to every part of Earth.

But now you are away,
taking flight,
still this young.
I go home with knotted throat,
and my eyes felling as if theyd been stung.

I've been thinking of you both,
by blood and faith.
I'm so sorry for your loss,
the unknowing,
all the rage.

I weep for you, dear Madison.
You lived only in a blink.
But I weep for you still more, Lydia.
And I pray that you won't sink.
A passing of the eldest sister in our home town this week, her sister having been a classmate. A devestation, to say the least.
Jun 2014 · 4.5k
;and she will sink more slowly than the rest.
May 2014 · 4.1k
Things I ask myself.
How long do I have to live
before I've lived long enough
to be allowed to die?
May 2014 · 3.9k
If I was La Dispute.
I am sorry for all I caused you.
I saw you sink in my eyes and I lost you.
Thought it cost you,
To see me breathe in broken souls,
Never knew about the love I sold.
I ripped up all the truths in my head,
Wished me dead in a bed
Where I bled,
And the wind spoke.
All the secrets that I had inside me
Beat on the doors till they shattered and the lock broke,
I always felt like a flower on a hillside,
Mercy to the wind and you till I
finally died.
The sun set in my throat,
It rained in my eyes,
I had no where to go.
I am sorry that my anger left stains on your skin.
But you cut me with the lies you told,
And you broke me with things that we never could have been.
I sinned,
Serpents sliding down my cheeks.
When I speak,
Its like the tide is in my mouth,
The waves moving south until they're gone.
We build up our bodies,
Broken promises,
And whispers we hear in our head.
The foundation we've set is shaking,
It can't handle us breaking,
And can't handle us faking so tell the truth.
I have never lied to you.
But you took the love I gave and you threw it.
I never knew how my half a heart craved your hand but now I do.
You are like the greatest poison.
Moving through my own veins with no noise and,
My hands shake wothout my fix,
But you can't fix me,
Its true.
I need you to stay here now,
While I fly away,
Leaving you standing on the ground,
Don't frown,
You never needed me,
With concieded tragedy
Trembling from your lips.
And I know you can feel it,
Can taste materiality when you kiss.
My head is crashing,
My body thrashing
on the ground till its blue,
I'm not saying that I want to leave,
I'm just saying that you can't love me like I need.
I know it might be hard
But I'm looking so far
And all I can see is my tears.
How am I supposed to live this way?
Waiting day by day
For you to reveal all my fears.
You know I hate my future,
As much as I hate your present suture
You're letting dive into your heart.
I don't know how to start,
In a world where you're my world
But I'm not yours.
I say that I will leave and close the door,
Leave it a crack,
So I can see your light in the dark,
And find my way back.
All I asked of you was your hand,
Press it to my chest,
I know you can.
You make me resent all the words that I've said,
Went through your ears,
Passed by your brain and out your head.
You said,
You don't know how to help me,
I'm not the titanic that's sinking,
Just a person that's wishing,
that someone had taught me to swim.
I know you don't get me,
Don't understand what my head thinks,
Well darling that makes two.
May 2014 · 3.5k
I am sorry.
She knew that she was broken
From the second that she could breathe.
She always tried to be hopeful,
But realized she was just niave.
She began to feel the world,
For what it really was.
And it  pinned her down upon the ground
And killed her hopeful buzz.
She had things inside her,
That no one else could see.
A secret truth to who she was
And who she wanted to be.
It pushed out all her insides,
And raced a virus through her blood.
She didn't want to live anymore
In a world void of her love.
She didn't want them to find her,
In the bath tub down the hall.
But she cried for help so many times
With no answer through the walls.
She put on her best dress,
And lipstick for good measure.
She wrote notes to all she loved
And assigned them each a treasure.
She didn't want to be known as the girl,
That many never knew.
Because she felt in the short times she was here
She had only touched a few.
She envisioned a world of light,
But didn't have her own to give.
And she didn't want to be another blurred face
Who didn't want to live.
So she grabbed a brand new razor,
And laid down in her bed.
She said a silent prayer to the angels in her head.
She let her secrets spill
Down her fingers to the floor.
She was terrified and guilty
At who would find her through the door.
Her spirit finally lifted,
And she smiled from above.
Because she was finally light,
And she was finally love.
Some people were angry,
That she left them all alone.
But she made them understand
That she had never gone.
She looked down from the skies
And watched them with a smile.
Sometimes she'd turn into wind
To be near them for awhile.
She hoped they knew she'd loved them
and that they weren't to blame.
She just thought she could do more good
If she was only a remembered name.
Before she took her own life,
from the sadness and the hurt.
She wrote down a note
And made sure they'd see it first.
It read:
I am sorry little brother.
I am sorry mom and dad.
I am sorry to my best friends,
And my little sister who was the best friend I've ever had.
Its not that I don't love you
Because I promise that I do.
I just feel too much pain
And this is what I want to do,
Don't think of me as dying,
Think of me as finally being free.
Because it is no secret
That you never needed me.
I hope you all find love,
And spend your life growing inside.
And most of all I pray,
That you all are filled with light.

So that is her story
And the last one she'd ever tell.
But her soul was finally happy.
And her spirit..
It was well.
May 2014 · 3.4k
Runaway, Love.
I want you to know that sometimes I become so scared of the future, tendrils of birds burst from my rib cage.
I can feel the cuts on my palms from trying to push back time.
Memories claw out of my fore arms and drip down my finger tips.
I can feel the venom of broken promises course theough my veins.
And I am terrified.
I have witnessed the aftermath of a hurricane.
And the first handful of dirt thrown into the grave.
I can't be your silver lining anymore.
I can't be your saving grace.
I can't even be your still day.
But I can be your shadow.
The wind.
Maybe even a stain on your soul.
I want you to know that I could see stardust when you were with me.
And hear angels when you smiled.
That it may have taken awhile,
But I realized what god was everytime you laughed.
I want you to know that you were the best part of me.
And that if I tried to hold in my hands, all the seconds that I thanked God for your existence, it would spill out of my hands like grains of sand and dry up all the oceans.
I will miss the gold flecks in your eyes.
I will miss the skip in your step.
I Will miss your compassion.
It may hurt, but i want you to fly.
Fly, and never look back.
Not even for me.
May 2014 · 2.9k
I do remember.
May 2014 · 2.6k
My idea of Heaven.
Today I am so high,
I swear I can touch the sky,
So close to Heaven,
I want to die.
So close to God,
I see the light.
Apr 2014 · 2.7k
The Hurdler.
I have a friend,
She jumps hurdles.
For me,
She seems quiet,
In her zone,
Eyes focused on what's ahead,
I stand at one end of the stadium,
pretending to read a book,
But with eyes behind dark glasses,
I enjoy watching her in a different realm.
She runs up and down the field,
And stops to chat with different people,
Which I find encouraging,
Because she seems to not care who those people are,
Or that they have a past,
That may be filled with secrets as dark as my t shirt.
When its her turn to run,
She stands at the blocks,
The man says "ready"
But she treats it as if its a question
Because she goes down on one knee
And flips her hair over her left shoulder,
Pulls each leg of her spandex down,
As if it'll make them grow in length,
Which I find amusing.
The man with the gun says "set"
And she rises in the air before it goes off
And as it does,
She explodes outward like ocean mist
Hitting black cliffsides
And I wonder how she seems to bring her own sunset
Becasue as she runs,
The colors never leave her face
Even when she crosses the finish line.
The other runners must see it too,
Becasue they seem to slow their step
To watch her set out in front of them
Which I think is funny,
Because they don't even get to watch the clouds break
When she smiles after ******* In a few gusts of wind.
I like to watch all people do the things they love,
But maybe it means more when you're watching someone
you truly wish to be happy
No matter the cost of yourself.
I was Sitting underneath a tree
That was raining pieces of bark down around me
Maybe to try an make the scene more poetic
As if it could change itself into water.
I was deep in thought,
Which annoys me sometimes
Cause I think too much,
But anyways,
I was thinking about how the hurdler
Doesn't just run races
On harmless school fields,
Jumping tiny tables laid out for her.
She also jumps hurdles in her own life,
Which are usually much bigger,
and scarier.
But just like the start,
She seems to crouch down at the sight of the people and their guns,
And springs forward,
Pushing against the ground, not running away,
But conquering everything before her.
And when she gets done with her race,
I can't help but swell with pride,
Because even her running,
seems to create poems of her life.
She handles each hurdle with such grace,
And respect,
a sort of beauty.
My eyes seem to always smile,
When I stand where I always am,
At the finish.
I stand at the end and not the start
Because just like in life,
I can't wait to see her conquer each hurdle
And meet me at the finish line
where ill always be,
With a smile,
Waiting for the hurdler.
For her to win.
If you wonder why I only stay for hours,
and pull out of your drive at midnight..
Its because I don't want you to see me
pulling at my skin and
clawing at my face.
I don't want you to see me
snap rubber bands on my wrists to
hide the lines the next morning.
I don't want you to see me,
Tear streaked,
Red faced,
Screaming out at everything inside of me,
Trying to cut the broken pieces out of myself,
Tongue black from the smoke
and sluggish from the bottle.
Have you ever noticed that you've necer seen me cry?
You've never seen me bleed?
Because once I start, I can't stop.
I'm going from bad to worse,
and I refuse to take you with me.
Apr 2014 · 8.9k
Heart strings.
I can feel my heart strings baby,
And I think I'm dying..

of a broken heart.
Apr 2014 · 2.3k
When I say that I want to die,
I don't mean that I want to leave
My friends and family.
I mean I want all the bad parts of myself to be killed.
I'm tired of the nightmares,
The confusion.
The loneliness,
The depression,
The anger...

I want all of it gone.
I can put it away,
I can hold it inside,
I can pretend to be good
And happy
And sane.
But when it comes down to it,
I'm all bad things underneath.
And even though I try to make myself
The bad things always come right back to the surface,
I can't escape,
And oh my god.
I want to die
I may be a thousand different puzzle pieces,
Trying to smash together.
I may be a little bit of sun,
a little bit of rain,
and a whole lot of stormy weather.
I may be a million broken truths,
a thousand ragged scars,
and have a heart that's black and blue.
But now I have an unchained smile,
A sense of self worth..
All of it thanks to you.
Mar 2014 · 2.1k
Wake up, bake it.
Give no *****, fake it.
Days spent, nothing.
Nights dreamt, loving.
Kids home, screams start.
MTV, Mario cart.
Big sis, no heart.
Big sis, love art.
Paints herself, always red.
Wishes herself, always dead.
Snapped wrists, knuckles bled.
Voices always fill her head.
Moms home, red eyed.
***** bottle, she always lied.
Names Jeff, *******.
Names Ben, ******* too.
Daddy says, he wants to die.
Comes in my room, starts to cry.
He's been googling, clean suicide.
Asks the same question, who am I?
Brother screams, stamps his feet.
Sisters crazy, no nice and neat.
Go in my room, close the door.
Try not to breathe, lay on the floor.
Try not to cry, punch a door.
Try not to die, try not to soar.
Hand swollen, can't move.
Pack a bowl, for one not two.
Breathe in deep, let it sit
Listen to music, begin to slip.
Drink a bottle, finally faded.
Drop the mask, no masquerading.
Pass out, dreams are waiting.
Pass out, finally escaping.
Today I feel like dying.
And that is perfectly okay.
I used to keep a notebook that was filled with tally marks. Every time I felt like dying, I'd add a new mark to the page. Went through three college rule notebooks. Need to buy some more.
Mar 2014 · 2.1k
I used to think,
"Oh I want to be skinny. I want to look like a model."
And then I watched
a childhood friend
deteriorate in front of my eyes
after obsessing over her weight.
She went from this beautiful
young girl
to this hollow,
****** in,
bulimic and anorexic shell.
It's a sad day when you don't recognized someone you've known your whole life
when they walk up to you
in the gas station.
I don't want to be that.
A shell.
So **** being skinny.
**** people who think y
ou need to be thinner.
Just **** society
I've never forgiven anyone
that has hurt you.

Including myself.
Why doesn't the moon cry tears like I do?
Maybe that's what rain is.
I need a cigarette.
No you don't.
You don't need a ******* cigarette.
I want to sit on the roof.
It's so cold out though.
I'm so tired, I just want to sleep.
I have to be up in 4 hours.
Maybe I'll make breakfast.
I don't like the color yellow.
But I do like the color of the sun.
I wish my mom told me she was proud of me when she was sober.
I think that dragons existed at one point.
You can tell me you don't believe In magic, but if you look at the person you love and smile, I'll know you're lying.
I hate it when people are better than me.
I need to sleep.
I want to record my dreams.
I want to forget my nightmares.
I want to **** the boy with the blue billed nike hat.
I love it when frogs croak.
I have to get up on 4 hours.
Breaking Bad is pretty good.
Walking Dead is better.
PLL is my favorite show though.
I should watch the titanic.
My dad would yell at me.
I need to be famous.
I'm so tired.
I just want to sleep.
Today will be a good day.
Today will be terrible.
Maybe I should shower.
I think I might pass out.
Why does everybody always fight?
I can't tell if blue is my favorite color,
Or red.
I want to travel.
Oh my gosh.. Paris.
My eyelashes aren't even long.
I'm so tired.
I need to sleep.
I'm so glad to be alive today.
I'm so tired.
I want to die.
Literally my thoughts as I lay in the dark and try to rest. Sleeping pills give me bad dreams and **** makes me hungry. Sometimes I want to shoot my brain in the head, though I think that's the meaning of the saying "double edged sword."
Feb 2014 · 2.3k
When my mother is tired.
When my mother is tired, I offer to make her tea. She wants a beer, and even though I don't like it, I pour it for her anyway.

When my mother is tired, I offer to make her fried chicken. She says she doesn't want me to cook for her.. 19 years of cooking my meals and she doesn't want me to cook for her.. So I put in two pieces of toast and burn it just how she likes it and put on extra butter because I know she likes that too.

When my mother is tired, I tell her to call me on her bad day, tell her that even if I do nothing but sit there, it'll be okay because she doesn't have to face the sadness alone.

When my mother is tired, her eyes make triangles and her shoulders slump and she smiles so hard that I think it must hurt her jaw bones. The spirit of her eyes goes dim and her forehead forms creases like mountains and when my mother is tired..

I just want to see her sleep and dream. She so deserves to dream.
My mother had a bad day. The worst in a long time. Take off your armor mama, I'll take your place on the front lines.
It's hard letting go.
I'm finally at peace, but it feels wrong.
Slow, I'm getting up.
My hands and feet are weaker than before.

And you are folded on the bed,
Where I rest my head.
There's nothing I can see,
Darkness becomes me.

But I'm already there.
I'm already there.
Wherever there is you,
I will be there too.

There's nothing that I'd take back.
But it's hard to say there's nothing I regret.

Cause when I sing, you shout.
I breathe out loud.
You bleed, we crawl like animals.
But when it's over, I'm still awake.

A thousand silhouettes,
dancing on my chest.
No matter where I sleep,
you are haunting me.

But I'm already there,
I'm already there.
Wherever there is you,
I will be there too.
But I'm already there,
I'm already there.
Wherever there is you,
I will be there too.

Cause I'm already there,
I'm already there,
Wherever there is you,
I will be there too.
Feb 2014 · 2.2k
Changed letters.
I had a box of letters that I kept hidden in the crawl space in the attic. They were all to you. I would read through old stories and moments that we shared and the fire in my chest would burn even higher than before. I wrote to you, and told you how you seemed like the air and that I wanted to breathe you in. How you were the sun, and I wanted to spend my whole life in the summer. How you were the rain, and how I fell for you to be like the rain too. One day I got angry, angry because it had stopped raining, yet the sun didnt show through. And I tried to take in lungfulls of air but I choked on nothing. I took our box of letters and secrets, our box of late night tear stains and drunken conversations and lit a match. I burnt them all. So I could just forget about everything and the fire would die out inside of me. But I found that box today with only one letter inside. "J-," it read, "it has always been you. -S" you'll never see it. But it has.. It has always been you.
Jan 2014 · 1.8k
I am trying so hard.
Have you ever tried to flex your heart to make sure it was still in your chest?

Everytime you tried to choke down what was hurting you, you realized it didn't matter anymore.

Lately, I've been doing okay. Except when the night starts telling secrets to the dawn so I have to make sure they don't whisper your name.

Please, don't worry about me though. Just focus on being happy.

Maybe one day, things will be in a place where you can see a shadow and smile without swallowing shards of glass.

E**ven though I promised to always be here, it will **** is both if I stay. I'm so sorry.
Help me.
Jan 2014 · 1.7k
The night sky hurts my eyes.
It's early in the evening but I'm so tired it feels like the late hours of the night. I have a cup of tea in one hand and a cigarette in the other and I can't even look at the stars because they remind me of your eyes.
Jan 2014 · 2.0k
Week 3.
I stared at my phone screen,
Waiting for you to reply.
With the soft winter breeze blowing through my heat filled room,
I could almost mistake this day for summer.
With you in your ray bans,
And me in my aviators.
I want to sit in a meadow of daisies
by the river,
watching you pick the petals from the stem.
And hear you laugh like sunshine rays tumbling down my skin.
It isn't only until just now,
That I realized that this is not
and we are not laughing anymore,
And nothing is easy.
It is hard and I miss you..
I don't want the pain,
of saying your name,
When you come knocking on my door,
How can I implore
I can't listen to music,
Every drug,
I use it.
Every night,
I ***** it.
I drink
I smoke
I cut
I joke
I sleep,
I've woke.
Don't dream.
Wake up,
You're in my eyes
You're in my mind
I can never seem to find
The numbness,
I rub it.
My chest,
The pain.
My heart
is slain.
I'm just a plain jane,
And you're everything.
I've wanted.
I spotted,
From across the room.
It's you.
It's always been you,
And I don't know what to do.
I let the music take me over,
soak into my skin.
I let the music take me over,
and wash away my sins.
I let the music take me over,
sometimes way too loud.
I let the music take me over,
as gentle as a cloud.

Wash away my worries,
take away the lies.
Brush off all my bruises,
the tears fall from my eyes.
Seldom, I am happy.
Though it makes me feel that too.
Mostly it takes me deeper,
in my empty part of two.
It makes me feel so numb,
but it makes me feel such pain.
It cuts off all my senses,
or sends them rushing to my brain.
So many greats are writers,
just like you and I.
So many writers are nobody,
who give me my wondrous high.
It doesn't matter who you are,
Just listen with your ears.
It doesn't matter what is wrong,
washing over all your fears.

I let the music take me over,
soak into my skin.
I let the music take me over,
and wash away my sins.
I let the music take me over,
sometimes way too loud.
I let the music take me over,
as gentle as a cloud.
Raging, staging, contemplating and waiting.
Bleeding out seeds from knees that heed not one thing
****** up.
Roughed up.
Rain Falling from eyes that sting
Of heart ache of heart break
Why vent.
Holding on to hell
They call it life
But it's not, it's a well
Can you tell
From the smell
Of broken dreams and torn seams
And wrists bleed and ghosts seen
Compassion snapping
Planes crashing
Sea water splashing
Waves of pain
Of shame
Of heart break
Of tear stains
I am
Always will be
Always reeling
Always sealing
Lips closed
I know
That you know that I'll go
Chest snow
Chest dust
Chest rust
I swallow
I try
I swallow
I breathe
I see
I bleed
Never dying, always crying
Always trying always spying
Why're you lying
You see her
But don't see her
I don't see her
But I see her
Not mine
But it's fine
I don't mind, to die
But why is it so slow
Why must I go
I don't know
All I am is bad
All I am is sad
I'm so sorry I get mad
You don't deserve to be treated bad
My heart breaks
Millions of pieces
Of your name
In blood stains
This story is all the same
I'm just trying to show you
That I am insane
Tell the one above He's a criminal,
taking and giving life like marble candy.
Everything collapses around me,
overwhelms and astounds me,
a terrible truth.

When you leave this life,
the world will be a darker place
for all who remain.
When you leave this life,
the world will be a darker place
for all who remain.
And the light you gave,
the human race will go away.

I see you everytime that I close my eyes,
I hum every lullaby
that she used to sing.
You never know the last time you see someone,
so give them all of your love
cause they'll disapear.

When you leave this life,
the world will be a darker place
for all who remain.
When you leave this life,
the world will be a darker place
for all who remain.
And the light you gave,
the human race will go away.

if I can't have you in this life,
then I don't want this life at all.
Cause there's nothing else in this broken world that I'll ever, ever love as much.

I call and I call but you never picked up;
And I cried and I cried and you never woke up!
You died, you died without asking me first.
You left me all alone
here on Earth.

*When you leave this life,
the world will be a darker place
for all who remain.
When you leave this life,
the world will be a darker place
for all who remain.
And the light you gave,
the human race will go away.
Dec 2013 · 2.6k
The best I've ever had.
Here's to the friends who will drop anything to be there when I need them.
Here's to the friends who sit with the intent to listen,
not to speak.
Here's to the friends who fill my head with constant laughter instead of cold silence or harsh words.
Here's to the friends who know how terrible a home can be so they take me in whenever I need.
Here's to the friends who tell me right away if I've done something wrong.
Here's to the friends who know how to communicate.
Here's to the friends that watch The Golden Girls with me and don't ask me to change the channel because they know I've never had a grandmother of my own.
Here's to the friends who don't cancel plans because they get a better offer.
Here's to the friends who keep me going and child like while the world is growing into a cold adult.
Here's to the friends that dream with me and talk as if they will be a reality some day.
Here's to the friends that miss me when I'm gone.
Here's to the friends that understand my love for Shay Mitchell.
Here's to the friends who call me a ******* but join in on the fun anyway.
Here's to the spontaneous road trips,
the unplanned adventures,
the nights with too much alcohol,
and too little food.
Here's to the friends who come over to watch football even though they don't like it but they know you do.
Here's to the friends who don't exclude you on family days but invite you along because you are family.
Here's to the friends who kick my *** when they find a razor in my room because if I want to feel pain they might as well get some fun out of it all.
Here's to the friends that say I'm sorry and mean it.
Here's to the friends that tell me it will be okay and mean it.
Here's to the friends that say I love you and mean it.
Tay and Bianca, you will always be my mains.
Dec 2013 · 1.4k
That is love
When someone else's happiness is your happiness..
That is love.
Even when they do or say things that make your stomach turn.
When their skin is stained by other peoples finger prints.
When their eyes light up at a smile that isn't yours,
But you smile anyway..
That is love.
You're allowed to feel sick to your stomach,
You're allowed to bite your lip to keep from crying.
You're allowed to be sad in your room alone.
But if you still make an effort..
Still put a smiley face at the the end of a text that says you're happy they found someone new,
or still come to them when they need you..
That is love.
I forget that your first name
is not
She's everything to me.
She's my light in the dark, my shelter from the rain, my warmth from everything that's cold in this world.
We fight.
A lot.
But through the frustration and the anger and sadness.. All I am ever thinking about is how much I love her.
How much she means to me.
All the moments that I've had with her;
hearing her heartbeat for the first time;
holding her while she cried, while she held my scars in her lovely hands;
watching her rest and seeing her smile so beautifully while she slept..
That makes it all worth it.
Everyday I see her,
Everyday I get to hug her for that one moment,
makes it all worth it.
There is so much I need to say to her.
So much that I wish I could explain so she could see what she is to me.
I can't ever lose her.
She must never go from me or leave me.
I couldn't handle life.
She is my life.
She is everything good and beautiful and  heavenly in this world.
She's my world, my everything.
And I will never leave her side.
I thank God everyday for her and ask that He keeps her happy and safe.
I hope she loves me forever.
Because I love every part of her.
My best friend.

I love her forever..                         .
An old letter that slipped through my jewelry box. It's funny how things change over the years. I love my best friend with my whole heart, I've just learned about myself and my boundaries and limits. I am still as thankful as ever. Just for different reasons now.
Dec 2013 · 1.5k
I don't love you.* you said.
And my heart dropped down to hell.
The word played over again in my head,
and my tears began to spill.
Why are you yelling?
I'm not yelling, you said; Just telling you the truth.
So is this what you meant,
when you promised with your arms?
When you laid down on  my chest and swore you'd never go too far?
Do you find joy in seeing the eyes you once claimed to have loved,
spill tears of broken glass and the secrets you promised of?
Why would you ever say those things when you were just planning to let me down?
Have you noticed this is all questions,
cause you've made me question myself.
Every time I speak or move,
my head is filled with doubts.
Will I lose her, will she come home?
Will she be safe with me again?
I doubt it, it's quiet now.
They must have killed each other,
the voices in my head.
I wore a razor on my wrist last night,
it told me of the time.
I read it like any watch,
based on all the lines.
At four o'clock comes loneliness,
that frustrating little fiend.
At nine o'clock comes guilt,
when I can't say I'm seven months clean.
At eleven o'clock comes depression,
it hits me like a gun.
At one o'clock comes fear,
all I want to do is run.
I wear it everyday,
hiding it under my sleeve.
Put a smile on my face
so everyone believes.
Even my best friend can tell I'm getting bad.
She just likes to turn away and believe the sound of my laugh.
Don't worry darling,
I won't bring you drown.
Just don't sit at my grave and weep
when I've finally decided to drown.
Go under water and breathe in.

2. Take your dinner knife and push it through your heart. Slowly.

3. Open up your skull, and fill it with bees. Dance around a bit to aggravate them.

4. Stare into the sun without blinking.

5. Stick your tongue to a stop sign pole when the temperature is below zero.

6. Walk across a fire pit. Hell, just stand still in the middle.

7. Run as fast as you can and hit the corner of your counter with your hip bones.

8. Bite on your lower lip until it bleeds.

9. Lie on the ground and have someone put rocks onto your chest.

10. Pour grits on the floor and kneel upon them. You'll bleed some, but that's okay.

10. Go outside during an autumn evening with a sweatshirt on. Do you feel that breeze?

9. Read the Bible and wonder why God didn't tell anyone to write a book solely about you.

8. Play with children.

7. Stay up late and watch your favorite shows under thick blankets and pillows.

6. Put up Christmas lights and turn off all the others and think of how happy you were in every Christmas you've ever had.

5. Go to your local ball park and catch a game.

4. Look at how the stars match the same constellations in your eyes.

3. Go camping and wake up early. Make sure you make hot chocolate and fried potatoes and wear a hoody the whole trip.

2. Read poetry and sit at the ocean.

1. Fall in love with yourself too.
Nov 2013 · 2.6k
When I first saw you.
I think when I first saw you,
I swallowed you like my anti depressant pills,
and you settled into my stomach.
When I first saw you,
A thousand seconds in time wrapped themselves in silk,
And became cocoons of memories.
Turning into butterflies,
they fly around in my chest.
When I see your smile,
when I hear your laugh,
when I remember the stars in your eyes.
When I first saw you,
I wanted to breathe in all of the air of the earth.
Because you...
You took my breath away.
When I first saw you,
I wanted to live.
For the first time in my life..
I wanted to  live.
But minutes turned to seconds on our pocket watches,
and you sat on the hillside of my insides with a gun.
You sat there and shot down all my butterflies.
And now..
I don't want to live.
And I don't want to love.
I want to die.
You took love from me.
You stamped at it with your feet like cigarette ashes but I'm still burning.
You grabbed me by my throat and whispered,
"I love you."
And as you left me there dying,
with my last breath I apologized for getting blood on your coat.
Writing about whatever.

Thoughts welcomed!
Oct 2013 · 2.1k
Insecurities #2.
I want your insecurities to roll of your shoulders
like rain drops.
Catching them in my hands,
like marbles,
putting them in a soft leather bag,
tucking them in my pocket.
I crave to walk into space with you,
to play on the moon in big klunky space suits,
with moon dust floating up from our feet
like whispers ,
coating our lips so that they become part of our smiles.
I want to take you back to your childhood.
To days filled with sunscreen smell,
first pets,
overly large parkas,
and muddy rain boots.
To the times before you tried to keep up with societies idea of how you're supposed to live.
Before the first few times you were hurt,
finally beginning to build your walls high,
like a fortress.
I want to commit arson,
intentionally burn it down, no matter what the cost.
So I can peer through the wood smoke and see the center of your kingdom,
where you hide your rain drop marbles and your moon dust secrets.
I know it's incredibly selfish for me to write your name with black stones in the salt fields of Nevada  without you ever knowing about it,
and then expecting you to open up your chest,
not your wooden box,
your chest.
Where your heart lies,
and your lungs.
To open up your chest and show me the words scribbled all along your bodies walls.
It's not fair for me to expect it,
especially without telling you that if you did,
I fully intend on kissing them all until they are worn down and faded from your flesh where they float down to your feet like yellow feathers.
It's not fair,
but I'm tired of feeling you fade away,
or get annoyed when you  change to fit in with the people around you.
Why would you change, darling?
When you're so imperfectly perfect.
So I saw on something tumblr that said..

"I hate when you're trying
so hard not to cry in front
of someone and then they
ask 'are you okay?' And
you just lose it."

And I thought to myself..
No that's never happened to me.
And then I realized..
No ones ever asked me that before.

I'm right there with you Kay...

It's just kinda an empty feeling, huh?

Yeah, but I'm used to it.

Me too.
So then I asked her if she was okay,
and she asked the same of me.

We both said yes,
but I think we're lying.
Oct 2013 · 6.6k
Spoken word.
He used to drink orange juice
out of cups that curved,
like his smile used to,
licking droplets of orange sun
off of his lips;
sun beams,
that shined from his face,
and his eyes,
which was unfair
because he knew;
I'm telling you,
he knew,
that summer was my favorite time of year.
And when the sun hit me,
like a thousand arrows,
from the bow of Heartbreak,
that I would think of him
and his orange juice cup.
And question all the reseons he sent me letters
with different stamps,
always scribbled in black lines,
like his pupils,
when I let him see through the jail bars of my soul,
and I asked him,
I begged him to leave me cuffed to the wall,
with no food or water,
starving my desire to love again,
knowing that if I devoured every word,
every sound,
and memory,
of trembling hands on first dates,
leaning in to kiss me,
with lips and fists at the nape of my neck,
clinging to me like feathers;
with every single intake of breath,
and caterpillars that wrapped themselves in silk,
and waited for days and nights to pass,
until finally,
they spread their wings to reveal Picasso's paintings,
that I would eventually die of starvation,
as the words ran out,
and the kisses became short,
and the butterflies died...
He knew.
He knew that I loved summer;
and the drops of orange juice on his lips.
Oct 2013 · 3.9k
I feel like taking revenge,
every time you cancel on me,
or put me off again,
or call me last.
I feel like making you feel,
all the things I feel.
                             ­  sadness;

and don't forget, anger.
I feel like taking revenge,
but I'm far too kind for that.
Oct 2013 · 1.6k
Frustration and sadness.
When you watch the one you love the most become unhappy.
And there's nothing you can do about it because they won't let you in.
They don't want to share with you,
even though they know you wouldn't do or say anything to hurt them.
At least not intentionally.
And you ask and ask them what's wrong.
But they keep quiet and just distance themselves away from you.
You ask what's wrong,
They tell you they need space.
So you give it to them.
They probably just need to push you ways because they know you see everything about them.
You can see through them like glass,
and they don't want you to see how they're shattered.
So you think about them at night,
before you sleep.
About their smile and their laugh.
How you miss it.
And you'd do anything to get it back.
To breathe some life into your ghost.
And then finally,
when you think you may be getting somewhere with them,
maybe they'll tell you their secrets,
tell you what's hurting them.
So you say it..
You say it all.
I hate what's hurting you,
and I'd do or give anything to make it stop.
And you wait for them to respond,
but when they do all they say is
Okay, I'll be fine! Thanks.
And you just sit there with your eyes stinging because they are so much apart of you that when they're away from themselves,
they're away from you too.
It's like you can't breathe right.
So here I am sitting, worrying.
Wondering when you'll let me through.
Wishing I could drive to your house right now,
come through your door,
hold your face in my hands so I can see your eyes and you can see mine..
Looking into nothing but honesty,
so that if one doesn't tell the truth,
the other can see it right away.
Or maybe I'd be too chicken with such a direct approach,
knowing you don't like my finger prints staining your skin.
So I'd wait till we went to bed,
you lying on your side and I on mine.
Whispering in scratchy voices,
I'd ask what's wrong.
I'd hope you'd tell me.
Maybe if your answer was said in a dark room,
the heaviness would disappear from your words,
letting them float up to the ceiling until they escaped out the window.
I can't say for sure.
You don't open up.
And it kills me to know that,
that you can't even for me.
And it kills me more that my words probably wouldn't help you at all,
even if I said them a million times.
So I'll just repeat myself and say I'm here for you,
And you'll probably repeat yourself too,
and say that you'll be fine.
Straight from the heart.
I want to warm my hands in you,
the soft merrigold folds of your
buttercream skin.
Lay in the crook your shoulder,
hiding my face deep in the smell
of ocean breezes and mist,
spraying up around me,
setting me free.
Trace my spine like the highway,
hitting every bump in the road,
sliding off the side once in awhile
to skirt down the ***** if my side;
tuck your knees to your chin,
like you do,
like you are.
How when I think of you,
I think of the cosmos,
and nebulas,
and star filled spaces
All clustering like broken glass.
Because that's what you are,
you are broken glass.
See through in most places,
Tiny splinters here and there,
so you can
Still see through,
see your reflection,
But when the glare hit just right,
you are inpenetrable,
no ones eyes able to look for long.
I wonder what you think of when you
think of me?
Do you think of wind?
Always around you,
touching inch of your skin,
setting you free,
or setting against you,
Or do you think of somethin else?
Something worse?
like invisibility maybe?
Can you really see me?
Cause I don't think you can.
Not with the way you treat me.
Pretending I exist only half the time.
You let me do things for you,
put myself out there..
And then I get excited about something ,
or maybe I need you.
And you jut sit there,
and pretend I don't exist.
And it feels like my lungs have been cut out.
But it's okay,
what's the point of breathing anyways?
When the life is knocked of you,
and again.
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