I am scared. I am scared of failing, of never prevailing; of being let down and being let go. I'm scared of you hurting, of never really learning, of not being here to get to watch you grow. And tomorrow: who knows what it brings; thousands of things, that seem to sing, and scream, and claw at my head. Making my eyesight swallowed in red. And it's  said; I won't forget you I know that it's true. But the days pass by and I'm almost through. Why can't you, just come with me when I go? Just drop everything and come and hit the road. But I'm selfish, for even thinking such things. The emptiness consumes me and I want to just scream; your name, my anchor, my truth. The one one who made me believe, that's you. And I know, I overwhelm you and put the stress in your back. And I say things I shouldn't and I never relax. And you get quiet or maybe don't reply; and sometimes I sit here just waiting and die. It's not your fault.. I know I'm too much. I guess I just have an issue with trust. I have an issue with forgetting, with just letting go. Especially when I remember everything you don't know. I'm okay with being loved how I am now. Of sometimes hitting cold shoulders and frowns. Of watching you drown; even when I throw you a rope. Even when I try to give you some hope; a smile, my shoulders to lean. But I don't know if you listen to me or anything. I tell you I love you, that you're my whole world. I don't just say this to you to give you a whirl. To hear something back; though I admit it'd be nice. I haven't heard it for awhile; maybe once or twice. See the truth is, I'm pathetic. But it's the way that I am. Holding onto your words with both of my hands. I'm terrified, to ever let you go. Though I have a friend similar and she says she knows; that when I go, it'll never be the same. That you'll forget my name and from where I came. From who I am, and how I act. She said that all I'll see is your back; as it turns from me and walks out the door. I think if that happens I'll just sit on the floor. Give me a jacket to hug myself and a pinwheel to blow, spin round and round and see where it goes. Because that's what I'd be like; just spinning round and round. Waiting for you to come back around. To visit, to text me, to call me goodnight. I'm not gonna hold you back from your life. I want you to grow, to meet somebody new. To have a best friend who can be there with you. I want you to go on adventures and laugh in the sun. Someone to be there to let you have fun. And not be so protective as I always was. Let you lean on them and give you their love. I'm preparing for my last night to be a final goodbye. Just because what if it is, and I never got to cry? Or tell you how I love the color of your eyes; your humor.. There's so many things. So many things that I'll always sing; and keep in my heart. Together forever and never apart. Well, I guess apart. And like I said I'm scared. I know you'll see this and won't say a word; it's not how you are, of that I'm sure. Just know that I spent an hour, lying in my room. Trying not to call you and tell you I love you. Trying not to text you, just to say sweet dreams. Trying to not think of you and everything you mean; to me. I'm terrified and I have been every day. And I will be every night until I go away. And I'll probably sit in my room there, a few hours up the state. And write about the way you are on another hundred page.

Go under water and breathe in.

2. Take your dinner knife and push it through your heart. Slowly.

3. Open up your skull, and fill it with bees. Dance around a bit to aggravate them.

4. Stare into the sun without blinking.

5. Stick your tongue to a stop sign pole when the temperature is below zero.

6. Walk across a fire pit. Hell, just stand still in the middle.

7. Run as fast as you can and hit the corner of your counter with your hip bones.

8. Bite on your lower lip until it bleeds.

9. Lie on the ground and have someone put rocks onto your chest.

10. Pour grits on the floor and kneel upon them. You'll bleed some, but that's okay.

10. Go outside during an autumn evening with a sweatshirt on. Do you feel that breeze?

9. Read the Bible and wonder why God didn't tell anyone to write a book solely about you.

8. Play with children.

7. Stay up late and watch your favorite shows under thick blankets and pillows.

6. Put up Christmas lights and turn off all the others and think of how happy you were in every Christmas you've ever had.

5. Go to your local ball park and catch a game.

4. Look at how the stars match the same constellations in your eyes.

3. Go camping and wake up early. Make sure you make hot chocolate and fried potatoes and wear a hoody the whole trip.

2. Read poetry and sit at the ocean.

1. Fall in love with yourself too.

Every time I look in the mirror,
           I am disgusted by myself.
                      The way I look.
                 The way I move.
                                                       The way everything is so
    

                                         big.
I hate my genes,
                                                      And I hate my jeans.
I hate being beautiful in "my own way"
                   I think I'd rather them just say I'm plain.

I hate the way I have laughed at myself
           So now all my friends laugh at me too.
And I just shake it off;
             Even though it
                       *hurts me.
                             And I
                                hate
                          ­        the
                                way
                 ­                     I
                                  am.

You don't have to tell me
                 I'm not good enough.

I already know.

So I saw on something tumblr that said..

"I hate when you're trying
so hard not to cry in front
of someone and then they
ask 'are you okay?' And
you just lose it."

And I thought to myself..
No that's never happened to me.
And then I realized..
No ones ever asked me that before.

I'm right there with you Kay...

It's just kinda an empty feeling, huh?

Yeah, but I'm used to it.

Me too.

Sometimes,
I try to escape you.
Whether in my thoughts;
or in my day.
I have become spectacular at blocking out
the memories.
But sometimes,
I try to escape you.
When I see the curve of your cheek
lit in the soft moon light
and all I want to do is reach out and cup my hand on your face;
I try to escape you.
When I close my eyes with you right next to me;
and I dream of interlacing my fingers with yours,
my head on your chest.
When I can hear the actual sound of your heartbeat being imitated in my sleep;
and I wake up and wonder.. hope.. That I wasn't dreaming;
too afraid to ask in fear of being chastised for wanting you..
I try to escape you.
And in the morning, I prepare myself to go home.
Even though I know I'll miss you
and only think of you when I'm there.
But then you ask me to stay one more night
and I can't say no to your beautiful green eyes
or your bright smile.
I try to escape you.
But I can't.
**My love.

The world is a war.
Children can't even play outside anymore.
Bullets fall down as easily as rain,
as fathers and mothers weep from the pain.
No more midnight movies,
or school day fun.
No more trips to the city,
to go on a run.
Bombs blow smoke clouds up in the air,
filling the air with such a despair.
The ground splattered blood red
and Nike Free blue.
Lunch halls with bullet holes
and soaked with spilled juice.
And the playground goes quiet,
just ghosts on the swings.
Not old enough to know what happened,
never even seeing sixteen.
And if you wonder why I worry,
and always want you safe..
It's stories like these,
that really make me pray.

My best friend is amazing. The way she lights up a room. With her voice that sounds like soft rain through your window when she's tired. With her eyes that sometimes look like whiskey; that sometimes look like the kind of moss you find on trees in the middle of the forest in Oregon. Her iris, always hiding the stars. Like if you look deep enough you could see the end of space; galaxy upon galaxy. She has a smile that I swear is the sun. It lights up every part of my life. I gravitate towards it; like a bug to a front porch light. Constantly buzzing, hovering. Constantly feeling the need to protect. Literally feeling my shoulders tense up if there's even the slightest chance of harm.

She's such a beautiful individual. You know the feeling you get when you travel to a new place and see things you've never seen before? It's like I spend all my time exploring the eighth wonder of the world. And I'm one of the only people who get a chance to see. I've taken in more than a million sunsets on a million different beaches in the all the corners of the earth. I've seen more than a thousand monuments; more than a thousand picture perfect places. Felt all of their wonder. But you know when you come home from a long trip, and your car finally reaches the driveway and you see your front door and put your stuff down in your room and lie on your bed and just feel a sense of home and comfort? Well she's like that too. She's my home, my shelter. The person I always go to when I am feeling down, even if she doesn't know it and we just watch movies on the couch all day. She's the person I text when the depression hits me and I want to take a razor to my wrist. She's my home.

My best friend. The most amazing person I've ever known, or ever will know. I have made thousands of memories, and can't wait to make thousands more. Everything that I do has a piece of her in it. And I just feel so honored to have been able to be part of her life. And hope I've been half the friend that she has been to me.

I want you to know that it's okay to be broken. To just be the thousands of tiny pieces that you are. To not always be whole, but sometimes hollow. I know you hold things down in your chest; pushing them back to hide in all the darkest places of your heart. But I know it takes more out of you than you are willing to recognize. I know I'm the opposite of you and I get in trouble for that. And in all honesty..yeah, it does hurt to be ridiculed for just dealing with things how I need to. In spite of that.. I don't want you to ever feel like I do. Stop being so insecure. I know people have hurt you and I know I'm probably one of them. But those boys who have lied to you and fooled around on you.. That is their own insecurities coming out of them. They are good for nothing and I swear to you, in a few years it'll show through. Just realize you are beautiful and the best friend I've ever had even though we fight constantly and **** each other off. You may not always have the attention of the people you want or be praised by the people you want. But you've made me smile at least once everyday for the last three years and that has to be worth something, doesn't it?

I miss you like the dawn.
Grey streaked horizons,
clumsily reaching for covers,
wrapped up in warmth.
I miss you like the moon.
Dying every night,
so that the sun may love
come morning.
I miss you like the trees.
Leaves dropping in autumn,
so beautiful and yet,
everything is dead.
I miss you like the cold.
Christmas lights,
and holiday joy.
So cold you can feel it in your bones,
like there is nothing else.
I miss you like the stars.
Fading with the new light,
yet always there,
watching.
And most importantly,
I miss you like the wind.
Always around me,
but I can't touch you,
or capture you in my hands.
Always there,
but impossible,
you are.

Once upon a time
I took the heart out of my chest.
I put it in a wooden box
Where it would lay to rest.
I buried down in the earth,
as far as I could dig.
X didn't even mark the spot
so I could always keep it hid.
It wasn't really strangers
who I didn't want to find.
I was more worried about myself
and the pictures in my mind.

I have been walking in this world
for a million years it seems.
Not filled with blood, or love, or trust,
or a heart that used to beat.
I spend most of my time crying,
tsunami waves of tears.
I gladly walk into the ocean,
because I have nothing to fear.
And even as the years passed,
and I searched for my chest,
I couldn't remember where I'd placed it,
finally laying it to rest.

It can be quite frustrating,
if I think I may come to love.
But I quietly remind myself
of all the things you'd done.
I wish to have my heart back,
before I'd known your name.
But instead it's good and buried,
and it's better off that way.

I have never seen someone so broken
until I looked in the mirror tonight.
After spending an hour driving
a hundred miles per hour in my car.
Up and down the free ways,
crying so hard, I couldn't even see.
I hate the way you make me,
storming out of the house,
calling me every name in the book.
Grabbing your keys,
car scraping across the pavement as you drive off.
Are you crazy??
You could have killed someone,
or gotten killed yourself.
I could have been killed..

I wanted to be

I spent the whole time fantasizing
about slamming my car into the guard rail.
Or blowing a red light.
I fantasized about you sobering up,
and realizing that you're the one that killed me.
I wanted you to feel pain.
Pain like you've caused me.
Because you died.
About a year ago.
I don't even know who you are anymore.
All I know,
is that you cause me pain.

Sometimes I have these dreams where you are taken from me. Your parents are usually the ones to tell me, their faces contorted with grief and streaked with tears. I fall to the floor, and on my knees I sit, everytime without fail, I fall to the floor. I'm not sure if I could call the emotion in my chest pain because that's such an understatement to what's happening in my body. Imagine an elephant sitting on your chest, crushing your lungs so you could not breathe. And imagine yellow jackets swarming inside of you. Your heart is their nest and they drift out, provoked, stinging you over and over; leaving thousands of stabs of pain in your chest, all combining to form one kind of poison. It hurts so bad it almost has this itchiness about it. And then imagine someone smashing your head open with a hammer. No form of thought, nothing being processed. Just darkness. Just grief. And then my dreams change to being at your funeral. What does one wear, I wonder? to an occasion which marks the ending of life as they knew it. I would just sit there.. I can never hear anything, it just hurts so bad. I'm constantly crying, not even able to get a grip on reality. Because it couldn't be real could it? My biggest fear coming true. And before I wake up shaking and so hot but so cold at the same time.. My dreams shift to me driving alone in my car, with that dead expression I get sometimes. Always listening to music, always hungry but having no appetite, always thinking about you. And when I wake up from these dreams, I really do think about you. And I pray. Hard. Not even praying.. Just letting God read my thoughts. Because what would happen if I ever lost you? Oh my god.. I couldn't imagine. I would be absolutely nothing. Worse, than my most hellish dreams. So please don't ever leave me in any way shape or form. I couldn't do it. Not even in my dreams.

Your blue eyes are the ocean,
and I drowned myself at sea.

Your smile is as bright as snow,
so I freeze to death in winter.

And your kisses taste like cigarettes,
so now I'm addicted to smoking.

I love you and I always will.
Even when I get on your nerves,
when I annoy you,
and maybe am not the nicest.
                 *I love you and I always will.
                 Even when you don't want to trust me,
                 when you don't want to be around me,
                 but at the same time you do.
I love you and I always will.
For all the memories we have shared.
Every good one,
and every bad.
And for all of the ones to come.
                 I love you and I always will.
                 Even if you don't feel the way my heart
                 feels around you.
                 Or you don't understand the way
                 my soul kind of clicks whenever
                 you're here.
                 I don't understand it either.
                 I just know I have a million things to say,
                 and a lot of them,
                 I know you don't want to hear.
                 There's nothing wrong with that.

*But I love you and I always will.

They say I'm unsinkable.

A pristine piece of machinery,

the finest on the water.

They say I'm unsinkable.

I can take on anything.

I can carry anybody.

They say I'm unsinkable.

But if the Titanic could sink,

than so could I.

He wants the best for her;
but when he speaks,
I see a ghost.
He wants the best for her,
and she swears,
that she knows.
But I see her eyes glaze over,
sending her thoughts somewhere far.
As he talks about things she needs to do,
not even thinking of her scars.
Her bruises,
the ones you see and the ones you don't.
His words are sharp as a razors,
making the hurt seem to float,
to the surface.
More than once she has to hear,
of everything she didn't do.
"Don't you worry now, my dear."
Is what I want to say,
though she won't listen.
And sometimes my eyes glisten when hers glisten.
I guess I'm just more proud than I can explain.
I see the passion in her being,
swallowing all the pain.
She blocks it out,
and she's good at it,
I must say.
Dont listen to his words my friend,
he will finally see one day.

Every one has problems in their lives:
The broken family; the high school bullies;
the twisted neuron in the brain.
We all have things that happen to us;
maybe you dropped your keys as you walked out of the door, or your mom called to tell you she wasn't visiting this weekend..
No matter what it is;
life will bring you down.
Repeatedly.
It doesn't wait for you;
It doesn't say "oh, they're having a bad day, better be nice."
No.
If anything, it comes at you harder than before.
Who are all these lonely people?
You don't know their stories,
you don't know what they face when they get home.
But imagine they are exactly like you.
Hey, it's okay to go home feeling awful
and take twenty minutes to sit in the shower;
just lie down there for awhile and cry your eyes out.
No ones judging you there, you can be weak for awhile.
But after that...
                               Just let it go.
There is no reason to hold onto things that break you. It doesn't change anything anyway.
All you can do us wake up the next morning and decide to be happy; to disregard the negativity and be positive.
You are your own light, no one else can be it for you.
It's okay to be weak; but it is not okay to give in and let the bad things control your life.
You may be hurting, but I guarantee you will feel a lot better if you just
                                     *let it go.

Sometimes,
my best friend
tries to tell me a joke
that
I
already
know the punch line to.
And instead of
saying the answer,
I ask what?
And let her tell me
and I laugh
just as hard
as the first time I heard it.
And that..
Well,
I think that is love.

There's a girl I know,
I won't tell you her name.
She's been through so much;
as much as me, but I think more.
She has someone in her life,
someone she could never leave.
Who she loves more than life;
who she sees in her future;
who she wants more than air.
But this someone doesn't love her back;
doesn't love her like that.
And it kills her.
I held her in the parking lot today,
as she cried into my shoulder,
shaking uncontrollably,
hit with the loss of her love.
She has been there for me through my situations
that seem to be incredibly similar to hers.
I will never forget what she's done.
I pray to God, she finds a source of light;
she heals;
she is whole again.
But most of all;
I pray that I don't end up
exactly like her.

The only thing that bothers me is that
               you don't trust me with these things.
                           Always second to find out but first
                           to offer comfort, advice, and love..
               You don't trust me with these things.
That's the only thing that bothers me.