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Dec 2020 · 295
Playlists
Bleurose Dec 2020
Think of these playlists
As
Poems I didn't write
But I wish I had
Most of them are a perfect fit for your
Beautiful soul
How I love you.
How I see you.

If you are crafted one of these from me,
Music is poetry, poetry my deepest soul,

You have received one of the greatest expressions of love I can give.

Do not take this lightly.
Too often we are given things, ungrateful, or flippant.
Gifts should mean more, not out of obligation. No.
They are loved, crafted or selected from the deepest of hearts.
Or at least they should be.

I love
I love you.
Dec 2020 · 472
Dancing with Dionysus
Bleurose Dec 2020
Oh Dionysus.
How I miss you,
but your blood....gives me anxiety.
It makes people hate me, I can't stand to be
alone.

I can't say I don't miss dancing with you
But it's not much of a party with just the two of us.
No one else is willing to dance for long.

There was a time where you were,
my only friend
and you would smile and take me in your arms while
I sobbed and enjoyed the haze of your being.
I in turn, worshipped you. Even if research, candles and hymns, libations of your own blood and my perfume could hardly be enough.

It's all I have, my lord.

While I miss the roiling, twisting madness of your magnificence
I shouldn't be there.
I want to be, desperately
but I pick up a bottle and look at myself in disgust and shame.
It's not you, it's me.
This is far from a disillusionment of gods.
I will still dance, my lord, just perhaps not as closely as before.
I miss drinking and my lord Dionysus.
Dec 2020 · 186
tiny, rotten soul.
Bleurose Dec 2020
I need to stop wishing
We had that bond (again)
You are not capable of depth

You're ill

You will never  (just) be free of your rotten soul
You need to clean it
And it will take time

But perhaps we are just, different
This would be a shame
For I miss your sweet sweet voice
And
Laughter
I miss indulging you

Your sage advice

I knew I'd lose you just like
I've lost so many
But it never gets easier
Dec 2020 · 602
Orange
Bleurose Dec 2020
I love the smell of orange most.
It doesn't go well with purple,
but it represents everything I am not.

I make up for my lack of sunshine by wrapping it around me,
a neckerchief in any season.
I cover up the cracks that leak blue, the scent of
the sleepiest lavender.
I'd rather be gold, a heady sharp awakening - compared to the wispy breeze that settles on my shoulders.
I am tired of sleeping when I'd rather be citrus, shining.
Nov 2020 · 123
sweet nothings to no-one
Bleurose Nov 2020
No one loves like me
but I write about it anyway.
Even if it's sweet nothings..
to the moon or empty chairs.

I like to think the moon listens

and maybe someday

someone else like me will, too.
Nov 2020 · 798
We never got to be..
Bleurose Nov 2020
We never got to be teenagers together,
because by that time, I was gone.
I needed to be, or I would have been forever
but leaving you behind was painful.

You bullied me, but I held faith that it was just you being a kid.

But we never got to be teenagers,
doing the simple things like sitting next to eachother on the sofa
I wanted to be there after your first kiss, to gossip over boys.
I want to share a drink, a joint, a tattoo, with you.

I do miss everyday...

We never even got to be kids..
Nov 2020 · 315
A Prizm's Eyes
Bleurose Nov 2020
And I'm sorry for loving you
Because I know it wasn't real love
And I know it was wrong.
But you make me spin.

I know you know quadrants
I could never be what you need
You gave me a taste and ripped it away and I'm done.
You weren't cruel, stated intentions. It was me who said "maybe " and "because" and it just, won't fly with you.

It wasn't real
It wasn't real.

All I need is your approval.
I fall at your feet and all you are is a boy, and that's scary for a boy.

I'd like to be your friend but it's only when I'm drunk I can be brave enough to give you recommendations and music.

You probably never think of me
You're only here for her
I get it
I know I'm not enough
I know I'm not good.

I'm grateful you even breathe in my direction.
I should be more grateful you expend oxygen to occasionally speak to me.
I'm not worth the time.
I'm not worth
Anything.
I had this crush on a guy and freaked him out with just my...everything as well as the crush - because when it started I was with someone else as well so it was just a whole confusing hell. But he was mostly there for our beloved Tiny, and that's ok as well as understandable - it just stings a little sometimes.
Issues all round.
Nov 2020 · 141
The Hunters
Bleurose Nov 2020
Blood has been on your lips this night
But I will kiss them anyways.
Smooth and rich,
intoxicating
Life drips through your calloused fingers.

Expensive taste, expensive heart
Your words become holy
Mine, mine, always mine.
But always you run free.
Anyone, but me.
Yes this is absolutely a Hannibal TV Series fan poem
Nov 2020 · 783
Honesty to Ashes
Bleurose Nov 2020
Cigarette smoke made
Your mouth taste like ash so
I dug deeper into your throat to find an
Approximation of honesty, caked in filth and motherhood.
You would bow down before the wrong masters and yet consider yourself mine...
And a good master protects his pet, respects his pet, Listens to his pet.
Do not approach me with apologies that are late and I will not approach with the same.
Oct 2020 · 116
To the friend of my friend.
Bleurose Oct 2020
To the friend of my friend
We've never met, you and I.
And now we never will.
I heard of you in passing, she adored you.
Oli this, Oli that.
You were so close and just as much a part of her as her liver, or her eyes.
Even to me, in her life, you were just a fact,
Like her hands, or her teeth.
Yet, I didn't know you!
So I think that I thought of you like that, in itself, is incredible.

I can only hope your passing was quick. For her it will be painful, and I cannot be there in the ways I would like.
Over nine years we've done nothing but grow apart, briefly passing in the night or In a hot summers day.
I hope she finds solace in the people around her. I hope they dry her tears when I cannot.

I hope if there is an afterlife, you are at peace.
You will be missed.

Sincerely
A friend of your friend.
I wrote this after finding out a close friend had experienced one of their best friends dying, and I'd known of them for a long time to the point where they were such a part of her life.
It's odd to think that he's not there anymore, and if it's odd for me, it must be excruiciating for her.
Oct 2020 · 202
The Flowered Road
Bleurose Oct 2020
This path will be full of mistakes
and the end is a black hole.
One where I stand, then sit at the edge.
With a bottle - the type I haven't touched in months or
years.

and you're gone.

All I'm left with is unreliable memories,
chat logs...the fiction in my head.

We have to go this way,
you have no choice and I will walk with you
as long as you let me.

As long as you have patience.

If I want to make these mistakes with anyone, in front of anyone...

It's you....

                                                Thank you.
It's a road where the further along it you go, the more the flowers wilt.
Jun 2020 · 3.5k
Skincare
Bleurose Jun 2020
My skin begs me daily to care for it
Microscopic mouths yawning for moisture.
I ignore the voices and
laugh into my fourth slice of pizza.

I am trying to eat healthier.
But instead I just
Shower and hope
The mouths stay silent.
They’ve been screaming a while though…
I took something the Riven System said (friend(s?) of mine) and then mixed it up into a poem.
Apr 2020 · 364
Lily
Bleurose Apr 2020
I'm looking for a Lily,
have you seen them?
They've probably grown much since
I saw them last.
I don't even know their name.
If you see them, tell them I miss them
and the beat of their hummingbird heart.
Their cackling laugh and warm hands.
If you see them, tell them a rose misses them.
We used to sleep in the same flowerbed,
but perhaps one should let sleeping flowers lie.
This one is about an old friend I had in my first year of college, who was talking about transitioning before we lost touch so I use 'they' because I am unsure of the right pronouns.

I think they chose to lose touch with me and that's fine. Understandable in a way even if they never, talked to me about their feelings most times.

I'm probably over romantisising our friendship, (which I designated as a moirallegiance) because in some ways they treated me badly. I think I treated them badly too, and I think in my recent months of lonely contemplation, I miss the companionship and warmth they gave me. College was a time where I rarely felt lonely and I miss that.

I hope they're happy though, I think of them often.

Little bat, lover of Octavia and Vinyl Scratch, master of mechaphantoms and griffins, scholar of electronics, A Bleurose misses you.
Apr 2020 · 253
Heir to the Spring: Epitaph
Bleurose Apr 2020
Return to the forest where I grew.
Because that is where you will find me.

Travel to the base of the hill, to the temperamental stream
Because that is where you will find me.

Go to the park and sit on the swing nearest the car park.
Because that is where you will find me.

At the field that watches over the sun's bed, follow the path to the storm drain, my shrine.
Because that is where you will find me.

Hear me in the wind, in every spark of purple and every stupid thing relating to every stupid joke I ever made.
Find me in Samarkand and in the playlists I leave behind.

Cast me to Zephyrus, so I can be in your lungs.
Because I want you to be, where you find me.
I wrote my own funeral poem for the future a while ago.
It was going to be longer, going through all my favourite spots and the places I grew up - but I think it's ok this way.

The working title was "if I'm ever missed."
Feb 2020 · 198
Corrupted Veins
Bleurose Feb 2020
he went to sleep thirty minutes ago
and thats ok
but the silence that isn't silence seeps into my brain
and corrupts the veins that are already black with self hatred
people are sick of me and that's ok,
I dance with the alcoholics, I can't be trusted
I am desperately sad and no one can save me
and thats ok, thats ok.

It's ok.
Dec 2019 · 123
Headphones
Bleurose Dec 2019
I put my headphones on to run away, to seal off my life from my head.
Just to feel normal.
To be away from you, from this, from everyone.
Because if I'm not myself, I'm not lonely.
"Come on come on turn the radio on it's Friday night..."

"We do strange things to feel normal."
Nov 2019 · 147
Why I sleep.
Bleurose Nov 2019
I sleep because I'm lonely.
I sleep, because I miss being held tightly, being protected.

Do you know how much I fight?
How my upbringing and my dominant personality makes people want to be in my arms, my chin resting on their head?

I am TIRED.
I can't fight for a partner as well. Not all the time.

I am tired.
I need to be held and to be weak.

Let a weak translucent soul rest with you.

I sleep to avoid my sadness and my failure.
That's all I am these days.
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