what happened to us?
the flicker of times gone by,
the brief glimpses of past adventures,
phone calls that go late into the night,
i look at you- eyes red and hair askew
what happened?
where did you go?
and i realized the door is open,
and the ground is cold.

It's hard for me to focus.

I don't hate the work.
I want to do it.
But I can't focus.

I fidget.
With my books.
With my pens.

It's not my fault.

I was always blamed.
I didn't try "hard enough."
I didn't "care enough."

I do care.
I do try.
But it's hard.

I'm really trying.
Please believe me.

Picking at my skin,
making me bleed,
scent of flesh,
melting with the rouge.

Stuffing up my chest,
with a knife to my skin,
playing doctor one-on-one,
******* in my breath.

Am I pretty enough?
Are my thoughts pure enough?
Am I desirable enough?
Obedient enough?

Overemotional,
heart too big for my body,
keeps leaking out.
It's better with my mouth shut.

I'll gloss my lips,
twisting up my insides,
I'll become all that you want,
until only a shell remains.

i have work for the next three days and
i'm failing two classes and
i cry every hour for no reason and
i haven't had a hug in one year and
i haven't hugged my parents in three and
my siblings are acquaintances and
my name isn't my name and
my gender isn't an option and
my body isn't mine and
my face doesn't belong to me and
my hands are sometimes mine sometimes not and
my mental illnesses remain untreated and
my trauma remains buried and
on top of all of that...

-
Sometimes I want to drown my sorrows with *****
But then I realize its not worth a shot
Sometimes I want to get so high
But then I realize I can't smoke my problems away
Sometimes I want to take all these pills at once
But then I realize it won't take the pain away
-
Sometimes I want to rip my heart out of my chest
But then I realize its not mine to take
Sometimes I want to put a bullet through my head
But then I realize its not that bad
Sometimes I want to write down all my feelings
But then I realize I don't know what to say
-
Sometimes I don't know how to handle all the pressure
So I ignore it hoping it will go away
Sometimes I don't know what to do
So I break down and pray
-
Lowkie®

I can't be the panacea you've
made me out to be.
I can't be the antidote for
what ails you, but I've tried.

I've tried so hard to heal
what I never hurt,
and it wasn't enough.

Where you see my name, I see the words:
"Down The Rabbit Hole."
( I ache for you, but hate your guts. )

I don't know how
you still have a hold,
but I never learned
how to let
go.

Wrote of red strings?
I was bound by you,
but you never showed me the truth.
*** smoke and mirrors,
that's all you gave
to me.

That,
and a selection of songs I
listened to
until they felt like my own.

And it was all fun and games
until you kissed me
to every song
I ever loved.

( How could you do something so evil? )

I can't get the taste out of my mouth,

I can't un-see the oranges you left to mold
On the kitchen sink.
Just like me,
Still waiting to be held or thrown away.

Just like me, growing green with envy
for who is seen for more than just
her packaging.

"What's the cute way to do it?"

Your impersonations hurt like Hell.
So cute. So beautiful. So glad I'm here.
So glad to see me stay a few hours more,
But you never heard me sing.

( Unless it was a song you'd play. )

Never a word meant for your ears alone.

You always thought
my poetry was about you,
so I'll gift you with this.
Bottled up pain;
The feeling of knowing the meaning too late.

I hope you're satisfied—

I only wanted you to understand.

But you've only ever ran.

My white rabbit; my Peter Pan.

When I needed you, you never came.
But I sense you, coming back.