I have rituals
for the first day of class
like a superstitious athlete
they get me into a good frame of mind
where I feel like a juggernaut who has total agency
and doesn’t need to seek validation
It’s a moment in time

I have all my books—stacked on my desk
they look serious—very nuts and bolts
I’ve beaten the syllabuses to death
to try to figure out where my power lies
learning is all energy, it’s a marathon
it’s hard to sustain that for the entire semester
so not switching off, now and then, is unrealistic

Still, I’m comfy in in a classroom (I’m a senior)
Good students are just a little weird.
I say hello to the moon so she won’t feel alone
I say ‘cheers,” before taking a shot of mouthwash.
If I lose my ID, my lucky pencil or something, I call out, “treasure hunt!”
When treating everyone to grubHub I ask, ‘the usual?’ When we’re done I ask, ‘how was everything this evening?’
If I see a random girl looking fabulous, I tell her, because if I get complimented, I think about it for a week.
.
.
A song for this:
Thetan by Single Gun Theory

I went today
I have not been going  
so many reasons
So many things
How hard it feels how much it hurts
How much I miss where I was
How Starting over is more challenging than it was to begin in the first place
How much I miss the way it used to feel vs how much pain I’m in now
I know I know I must keep going to make it hurt less but I’m afraid and avoiding the pain of hurting witch makes me hurt more in other ways
I feel as if I’ll never be winning again this is my season of loosing
I have lost where I was and I don’t know how to find my way back with out going
I went today
It hurt

Ask me to fall in love?
Love is a sickness,
and should it leave such scars
as it had the last time I was afflicted,
I might shrivel up and die.

Dare it to leave wounds without sutures?
Skin without scratches?
Bodies without bruises?

Two afflictions of the mind are unbearable:
Both of two in love
And the sadness that sullies it.

Distance has become my new lover,
and I cower behind her,
I beg her not to let me get hurt like before,
Lest I fall sick again.

The thought of being in love with anything else feels
Intense,
Like fingers digging much too far
Into my skin,
Drawing the deep oxygenated blood to the surface.

stuck in an abyss,
staring down into nothingness
as if it will shine a light,
when you least expect it
lost myself in a manner
it was hard to recover,
with the missing pieces
still at large
but can't give it up,
not yet
I have a long way to go
before I eventually blow
looking for some sunshine
after this punishing snow,
clear as a crystal
while my husky's fur bristle
getting a cup of coffee to go,
its high time for me to grow
more than I ever know,
I feel it is harder
to pull yourself
out of the funk
when you have been down and out,
there is that element of doubt
hindering your next move,
to get out of the abyss
and find yourself in a place
surrounded by love and hope
sometimes even your heart can't cope
simply because it ain't used to it,
but this time I shall submit
to a higher belief
that everything is gonna be alright
give my future self a chance,
a chance at redemption
to take responsibility
for myself
and those around me,
a chance to start over
fail
and rise again.

Somedays, I’ll be dancing in my living room to The Cure,
and suddenly, my chest will collapse in on itself, a demolition of all the memories of  the year I shared with you.  I was the city putting out the notice, this old building with a weak foundation needed to come down.
And I cry.
And suddenly , I fee stupid, I’m crying alone with a glass of wine while Just Like Heaven is playing. It wasn’t even our song.
It’s time to rebuild.
The city is under development,
Alexa, replay Just Like Heaven by The Cure.

I lost my hope in finding true love,
Till you came just like a miracle from above.
You’ve got everything I’ve been praying for,
I hope when I fall I won’t end up on the floor.

You’ve been hurt and abandoned,
But trying to take care of you better than enchanted.
I’ll keep you away from this cruel world,
Safe and warm at my arms you’ll be curled.

I know I'm not that good looking,
And you have a face that makes their heads turning.
But I can always make you happy,
We’ll forget every problem that’s just so ******.

I get so lost by looking at your eyes,
Kiss my lips and you’ll hear no lies.
I want to spend my future with you,
Wake up every morning with a coffee that’s freshly brew.

I’ll stay with you until the very end,
Because baby with you I’m more than contented.
Let’s catch the last train at night,
Run away with me at every green light.