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fika Mar 2020
I am my Storm.
I am my Sun.
Hayley McInnes Mar 2020
I am partial to a shifting psyche
I am hard to find when I give up my act
I find the long way back

I am a lighthouse when the wind blows south
I am open mouth when I go off the track
here’s to the long way back

Parallels with my insides
Luminol on my black tie
Lucid all til the white lie
I’ll buy anything you say

Archivist of the meeting
Red of wrist and of feeling
I exist just to see it
Seems to be all that I crave
Nathan MacKrith Mar 2020
I know that face,
I’m quite sure I do

It looks nearly like
one I daily reflect
upon as I brush
teeth and hair and foster
good proper hygiene
linked to my well being
I sip serial from a bowl
put on shoes whose sole
purpose is to cup feet
walking to complete
different destinations
under the same stars

I know that smile
gone from my life for a great while

It has been called treasure
which many try to bring out
a smile borne on shoulders
similar muscled boulders
yet its teeth stand taller
making me feel smaller
like I have been told to be
I do not see him suffer like me
he has a good job, loving wife
free from all my strife
a vision of what could be
possibly what should be me

I know that face,
I’m quite sure I do
but all the rest
belongs to you
~
NM
08/24/18
SWebster Mar 2020
That pain you feel?
Those nails digging into your skin?
That blade you feel?
It’s for you.
It’s to teach you that it’s your fault.
You should know better
You should care less
And you are stupid for not learning by now.
SWebster Mar 2020
Mud brown eyes and bent nose
***** skin and straggly hair.
Calls unanswered
Ignored and unwanted.
2D, flat, plain and uninteresting.
Nothing to contribute
A collection of roles, services rendered
And monotony personified.
Empty, devoid and boring.
Why I chose to write this about myself I don’t know but here we are.
Lexi Feb 2020
she had nothing here, in this house.

Not a shelve, not a chair, not a window.... Not a care.

She could hear air going into her lungs and then leaving...

She scratched at the floor hopelessly.

The sound brought a moment of relief.

She scratched again & again & again!

Her body burned all over.

The tips of her finger nails were coated in her own blood.

Suddenly she was on her feet punching the drywall....but the wall didn't seem to end.

There was infinite amount of wall to punch.

More blood flowed freely from The Empty House

she collapsed hitting the floor with a thud

The Empty House's walls seemed to beat like a sore head

steadily, She Screamed

And then breathed

Fast, Slow & then Nothing....
This poem is meant to be read in a soft and quiet tone
pierrot Feb 2020
1st take
oftentimes I still struggle  
to keep in mind
that my life is no battlefield
that nobody’s purpose has ever been to bring me down
it still amazes me how the only words meant to make me fall
are my own

2nd take
oftentimes my mind is still a racing car
competing against beings so much more superior and human
I have to prove myself and reach up
always up, up, up, up – it’s never high enough
up in the clouds, fog in my head
I sometimes notice
how life is passing me by
longingly looking at me on the other side of the glass
so far away
and yet so close to the chances I regret never taking

3rd take
I always fantasized time would one day be my dear friend
unlike those old ladies
ever complaining about their white locks
so ashamed they’d colour them away like a flaw.
when I was a child
I promised I would love my white hair so much
like a well-earned and long-awaited prize
I would proudly strut in the streets
carrying in my purse the kind of contentment
only self-love can gift you.
and yet , as I breach from adolescence to adulthood
like an injured prey thrown to the wolves
I can’t help but already feel the weight of time
(ever ticking by my ear)
upon my spinning head – not what’s to come
but what I left behind.

4th take
oftentimes I still struggle
to function like a proper human being
in a room full of people
how can I be one of them?
there’s more days I am my mental illness
than days I trick myself into believing
I’m not.
I still consider myself a teen
that’s the age I was truly born
the shock of learning a prodigious pill can’t help you
surely does feel like dying
only to be thrown into a life
you never asked for
all over again.
unprepared as one always is
learning from scrap to make weapons
out of years of self-loathing
I still struggle to understand how could I possibly love myself
when my mind convinces me nobody else does.

5th and last take
do you even exist?
I ask myself when you finally decide to act up -
you have never given me a warning sign
a red flag
you’re unexpected and so **** good at making me doubt myself
and if I don’t believe me
who could I ever possibly believe?
I could choose to believe you
but I will never give you the satisfaction.

the strangest feeling is constantly being watched
but never truly seen,
talking
but never really being heard –
you told me you are the only one who does not judge me.

there are days you know me
better than I know myself,
you are my best friend and comforter then
but I learned how to hate you when taking control of my body as if it were your own
using it as you please
for destroying it so carefully
brings you so much power
(you always drain me
and I’m always tired)

your care was never selfless
but selfish and greedy
even when I give you what you want
desperate for silence and peace and loneliness
I am never truly free
the aftertaste of the words unwillingly spilling from my mouth
has always tasted so bitter

fighting you is a losing game anyway
I’m so ******* glad
if I go down,
you’re coming with me

- to my anxiety disorder
                   (*******)
this is an old piece I found in my drafts, since I have little time to write something new nowadays I decided to publish it
Łëïçkî Jan 2020
Maybe I should leave him.
I can see the pain settling in his eyes as he stares me down eyebrows crinkling in pity.
"Why don't you fix your sleep schedule?"
It sounds like code for,
"Why don't you fix yourself?"
I tell him I can't. I tell him that I've been trying.
But he can't see it.
The shackles, the ball and chain.
The shadows that appear even when there is no light.
He can't hear them.
The demons in my mind whispering self hatred.
Maybe I should leave him/
I can't explain to anyone what I am, how I feel, what I'm doing.
I'm tired of trying to explain, exhausted from trying to live a life that I don't want and trying to change.
Happiness.
What a cruel word.
What a sad reminder that pain is all I possess.
I shackled myself and I should leave.
Before I shackle him too.
I dragged the one light in my life through the mud and he paid the price
SWebster Jan 2020
Such bitterness and such fury
Directed at you but really should be reflected
Time is the water to soothe
Reminding me that change is to come.
Shaina Jan 2020
There once was a girl
Who lived in a dark cavern
Far under the ground
Was this destitute tavern

And inside the cavern
All over the walls
Were tall, glassy mirrors
When she spoke, they answered her calls

"Who am ?" she asked
As desperate as could be
"A sinner," they replied
"This is your reality.

You've made the wrong choices
I'm sorry, my dear,
But the guilt you've obtained
We can see, crystal clear.

From being ignored, to
The lies, and the pain,
It's so easy to see
A sorrowful heart is all you've gained."

As the girl looked into the mirrors
She began to believe
"No one appreciates my efforts,
They aren't worth while, no one listens to me."

And the mirrors around her
Reflected the pain in her face
The dark thoughts she had
She could never erase

And as the girl stood there
Day in and day out
Staring at her reflection
She started to doubt

The pain she was feeling
From friends, family, and sin
Was weighing her spirit down
Her patience began to wear thin

And each day her anger
And disbelief grew
But she hid her true feelings under a cloak
So the next thing she knew

Another weight was added to the cape
This one a venomous snake
That draped around her neck
And wouldn't let her escape

It stayed with her for a while
Weighing her down with a mischievous smile
And one day decided to take a bite
And she didn't even try to put up a fight

Now don't get me wrong
She forgave the sweet snake
But little did she know
She still carried the weight

And when she experienced
Others negativity
It simply wove it's yellow thread
Into the cloak's haunting tapestry

Did she hide the cloak? No
But she let people see
The hurt she experienced
To gain their sympathy

But she never revealed
The hidden message of the silk
So the hurt wouldn’t spread
The colors wouldn't bleed

"If people don't appreciate me
For what I do for them
Maybe they'll appreciate me
When they see where I've been!"

So she showed off her sorrow
But put on a brave face
Whenever someone asked her
If she was okay

She didn't know why
But she showed her emotions
Only to shut people out
When they wanted to be let in

And each time she experienced
Another's criticism or complaints
She turned away, hurt,
But kept making mistakes

"I don't want to weigh people down," she would say
"For my problems are small."
And because of this mindset
She carried them all

So her cloak got more heavy
And the hurt cut more deep
But she tried to keep her head up
Although she was afraid to speak

"God forgives me," she said
"But I can't forgive myself.
Lord, help me out of this place,
And out of this mirrored cell!"

For her focus was on herself,
Though she tried to look up
Her cloak weighing her down,
Her own strength could never be enough

And as the days passed
The guilt weighed on her so
The shame pinning her down
And not letting her go

"It hurts so much, Father,"
she said, day after day
"It's too much. My heart can't take it,
Please make it go away!"

And she begged and she pleaded
Until she was on her knees
And lowering herself she found
She could clearly see

A weak stranger in the mirror
More broken than she knew
And as she looked in her tear filled eyes
She saw the mirror was broken, too

The image of her innocence
Now seemingly damaged beyond repair
And as she stared into the glass
She no longer recognized the girl kneeling there

"How can you forgive me, Lord?
I don't even see myself!
For this is not the innocent child
I used to know so well."

Her iniquities sewn on the cloak around her,
But she didn't take it off
"If I must live with this sin on my cloak
I should get used to the feeling of its cloth."

So she continued to trudge along
Day in and day out
Blaming herself for things
Afraid of opening her mouth

The hurt stacked up and up
Till she began to scream
Her reflection in the mirrors
Not what she meant it to be

"I cannot seem to stop
This hurt inside of me
Father, what can I do?
I can no longer see!"

She begged for forgiveness
Till her throat was dirt dry
And the days, going quickly, yet painfully
Passed by

She was so ashamed
And even when she read scripture
She couldn't shake the feeling
That had now gripped her

But with time the Lord's mercy
Guided her soul
To places of peace and comfort
Where He showed her the goal

"This is meant for you child," He said
"To learn and to grow.
For you cannot be prepared for the world
Without learning to let go

For you are holding onto something
I could've taken long ago
I love you, my precious one
Far more than you know

Your purity is not forever marred
For I can make you white as snow
Come to me, young one, heavy laden
For here green pastures grow

Come, drink of the waters of healing
Wash in the pool of forgiveness
And when you look into the still river
You'll see the reflection of innocence

My heart breaks to see yours broken, child
And that will never change
For as I'm looking down at you
I see what beauty I have made

There's nothing that can separate you
From my unfailing love
And as you take the unwise path
I'm healing you from above

I AM the reason you're still here
I AM the peace you seek
In me you shall find your everything, for
I AM choosing you to teach.

Your worth is not now any less
Than when you first awoke
Look up, my daughter, and you will see
LOOK UP, TAKE OFF YOUR CLOAK."

And as she looked into the mirror
The image began to clear
Her eyes were opened then, to see
The child He held so dear

And as she stood up, her cloak fell off
And crumpled on the ground
She started to see the meaning of the trial
At last she was longer bound

The fog in her eyes began to break
And the light shone through again
And as the time passed by
She found she was no longer where she had been

For the dark cavern around her
Had faded into blue
She saw the clear sky once again
And saw the girl she once knew

"Thank you Lord, for growing me," she whispered
"For showing me what your love means.
For teaching me that without you I am nothing
That your strength is what I need

I am weak, frail, and pitiful
But you are strong, mighty, and capable
There's nothing I've done that cannot be erased
Nothing done to me that won't be abased

You've humbled me to breaking point
And for that I'm so grateful
For if I had not gone through this
I wouldn't truly see you're able

To wash away my sins
As you've wiped away my tears
To bring me out of darkness
And vanquish all my fears

To pour out a mercy that I didn't understand
To show me that I was still inside of your hands
To guide me through hardship and tragedy
Because you wanted to tell me that you loved me."

And as the girl looked up
Her Father smiled down
She knew again by that weight
She'd no longer be bound

The prize was worth the cost
For the grace to abound
For once she was lost
But now, she is found.
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