has the pain ever been so bad,
you just do not know how to put it into words?
like a fire.
i can't extinguish it with any water, no matter the amount.
1 gallon, 12 gallons, 132 gallons, 1,089.
i should check if these cans are filled with gasoline.
or maybe it's like an abusive relationship
you know,
when your partner is so mean to you and it makes you go home at night and sob, and wail, and ferociously curse and wave your fist at the air.
yet somehow, you can't say "i don't want to be with you anymore"
and when your friend asks you where that bruise is from you'll probably just tell them you hit yourself on something.
is this because the pain is comforting?
is it because you've been here for so long?
is it because you don't know anything without the tears, the gut wrenching pulls and pushes at your psyche, the sinking stomach, the migraines from crying so much?
because when you have a moment of happiness you can't stay in that and then the pain has open arms and whispers to you, "welcome home."
pain is home.
pain has always been home.
a life without pain is not something you know of and no matter how awful, how miserable, how atrocious you feel, pain is when you belong.
"welcome home" whispers pain.
glad to be back.

Dear Mental,
I understand, you hate me
So know the feeling is mutual
Because when I wish for you to silence
Your ideas become delusional.
******* & your intrusions
The truth is
Suicide is your illusion
So spare me the confusion
Since every conclusion you reach
Treats me like a nuisance...

Faulty factory toys are fun to use, at first
Blue eyed girl with the white blonde curls
From dads side of the family
They coo at her
Before she learns to walk
And talk
And talk
And talk
When they built her in the baby factory
They must've forgot the little red button
The one that says
"Shut up for one single solitary ******* second and let someone else speak"
She doesn't pause to allow the other person the liberty to flit words through the air like songbirds
Instead hers land like pheasants
Shot in the skull
Trickling out opinions that were never asked for
With the brain fluid.

She's got a lot of them too
Opinions
And they're all right
She knows everything there is to know
At seventeen as well
What a prodigy, she thinks
What a nuisance, say the wise men
What a delusional idiot
What
A
Bore into her skull and all you'll see
Behind the kind eyes and philosophy
Is a witch
Entranced by the enchantment
Of her own voice
A selfish *******
Who buys her birthday presents at the last minute.

At least the parents got to have a test drive
A prototype
So they knew what to do right this time
Factor out whatever it was
The ingredients with the sell by date
That made this thing so near to right
But odd enough to be 'not quite'.
This time make one that's not lazy
That's not selfish
That doesn't want to be a ******* artist
That lets others speak
That can contribute and participate
Not sit on the sidelines
Heading for burnout
Heading for disaster-

Uncheck the box this time that says
Sordid mind
That says
Can't reply to texts
Even when friends are on the edge
of suicide, For ***** sake.
Tick the box that unveils the beauty of humanity
Fix it's eyes
Teach her to see these sacks of meat
The way others do
The way you're supposed to
Instead of like puzzles or pictures or packaging for a soul
Create a person not afraid
Of making mistakes
that can make her own decisions
This time make a mind
That can jump through the hoops
Society left behind
Fix her this time
Don't make another freak
On the fringes
Never quite fitting in

And the funny thing is
Even after this ******* perfect kid
Comes along and shows that blue eyed blonde-haired girl
Just how to do it
She's an old *****
No use teaching her new tricks
She'll shut out little miss pretty perfect project two point oh
She can't seem to help it
She thinks the best company in the world is her head
Her head?! Have you seen it
It's barbed wire and sunshine
It’s a rose choked by thorns
Do not touch her-
She will make you bleed.

depression is like running a
three-legged race with yourself

I look at myself in the mirror,
Unsure why
I don’t like what I see,
But how can I change?
I was made this way for a reason
And I will stay this way forever.

I don’t want to be like this forever.
I look at my reflection in the mirror
And I do it for a reason,
Even though I don’t know why.
But I guess I want to change
Although it’s not that easy, you see...

I hate what I see,
And I don’t want to be this way forever.
But I don’t know how to change.
Because what I see in the mirror
I think is ugly. You ask why?
Well even I don’t know the reason.

And there is a reason,
That I am still unable to see
And I know why.
Because no matter what, I will think this way forever
And continue to look in the mirror
Wanting my body to change.

I want myself to be different, to change
And it’s like that for a reason.
I can only see myself in the mirror
And I hate what I see.
It will be like this forever
No matter how many times I ask ‘why’.

I cry and scream and yell out ‘why’,
Because I want my body to change.
I will cry forever
For the very good reason
That I hate what I see
When I look in the mirror.

I now know why and it will stay like that forever,
I look in the mirror and am disgusted with what I see,
But I see that I can’t change myself and that is the reason.

when someone tells me im pretty
or that im beautiful
or that they wish they had my brain
or they wish they could be me
all i can think
is how they’re lying

because who wants to have my fat stomach
or my disgusting thighs
or my ugly face
or my self-destructive mind
or my suicidal thoughts
or my depression

they’re probably trying to be nice
when they say they want to look like me
but they probably mean it
when they say they want my brain, my mind
because they don’t know what goes on up there
how i hate myself
how i am disgusted with myself
how i wish i didn’t wake up
how i wish were dead

but then again
how could they know
when i don’t tell them
or when they don’t ask