depression is like running a
three-legged race with yourself

I look at myself in the mirror,
Unsure why
I don’t like what I see,
But how can I change?
I was made this way for a reason
And I will stay this way forever.

I don’t want to be like this forever.
I look at my reflection in the mirror
And I do it for a reason,
Even though I don’t know why.
But I guess I want to change
Although it’s not that easy, you see...

I hate what I see,
And I don’t want to be this way forever.
But I don’t know how to change.
Because what I see in the mirror
I think is ugly. You ask why?
Well even I don’t know the reason.

And there is a reason,
That I am still unable to see
And I know why.
Because no matter what, I will think this way forever
And continue to look in the mirror
Wanting my body to change.

I want myself to be different, to change
And it’s like that for a reason.
I can only see myself in the mirror
And I hate what I see.
It will be like this forever
No matter how many times I ask ‘why’.

I cry and scream and yell out ‘why’,
Because I want my body to change.
I will cry forever
For the very good reason
That I hate what I see
When I look in the mirror.

I now know why and it will stay like that forever,
I look in the mirror and am disgusted with what I see,
But I see that I can’t change myself and that is the reason.

when someone tells me im pretty
or that im beautiful
or that they wish they had my brain
or they wish they could be me
all i can think
is how they’re lying

because who wants to have my fat stomach
or my disgusting thighs
or my ugly face
or my self-destructive mind
or my suicidal thoughts
or my depression

they’re probably trying to be nice
when they say they want to look like me
but they probably mean it
when they say they want my brain, my mind
because they don’t know what goes on up there
how i hate myself
how i am disgusted with myself
how i wish i didn’t wake up
how i wish were dead

but then again
how could they know
when i don’t tell them
or when they don’t ask

i’m going to do it
i’m going to tell her
about what happened
almost three years have passed
but i’ll tell her
nothing can be done
it’s already passed
and he lives in california
but it will be off of my chest
though i will still dredge up the memories
still hear the fire in my ears
and feel the screaming in my soul
and my body
that never left
even now, i am
afraid of him
and of all like him
whether or not they are
i must be as careful as i can
as must all people
but now i will be living
a life without him
it will be
better eventually though i do not know
when it will be
but it will be
and the process has begun

Every time I wake up, I open my eyes.
I scan my room seeing it fills with my stuff;
my guitars, my desk, my mirror, my books...my pain..

Locked door, shut windows, absence of lights.

As I scan through this sad dark room with trapped air from
days ago gasping for freshness while I was fine with
carbon monoxide filling my room every single day.

I feel safe when I'm in my room.
I feel safer when I lock the door to my room.
And I feel even more safer when I turn off the ******* lights of my room.

I'm not alone.. No. I have people. People in my room.
They are shadows and darkness and they try to be my friends.
I rejected them. I rejected them since the first time I met them.
But when things are falling and my ground is shaky,
They come scrambling for me and tell me this is the time when they come in handy.

I hate myself. I punish myself.
I punish myself because I let them in.
I let them control me.

My room is like a dead party.
When I leave,
my room literally becomes empty.
When I storm back in,
They were waiting, stretching their ugly, rotten, dark, arms
to grab me and my poor ******* soul.
******* on my energy, my happiness, my only source of joy
out from my mind, my body and my soul making me feel
so ******* tired.

And when I am tired,
I lie.
I lie on my bed
Feeling half dead
as I bury my face on my pillow, sad.
I try to sleep..

But I can't. I can't ******* sleep not even a minute.
Not even a second. Not even when my brain begs for a little rest.
I am so sorry brain but I don't know how to make it stop.

And I wonder and keep on wondering,
My room needs help.. or maybe I need help?

turned self hatred to ego death
order out of chaotic mess
I have sinned, I must confess
from denying that I am blessed

for I’m a vessel for the power
big and bright, to which I cower
self-protecting, sad wallflower
procrastinate my finest hour

my heart expired, my talents latent
the Universe frowns at complacence
signalled for change in ways so blatant
uncovered what was truly fated

so “no more!”, I said aloud
in a tone uncanny and proud
gathered the few truths I found
stood for justice, stood my ground

wielded tools for reinvention
based on only good intention
so whilst my past begs for a mention
I’m better pressed to break convention

break myself and forge another
birth my own daughter and mother
court my own subconscious lover
love yourself, then love each other

because life’s too short to **** yourself
it’s got that sorted, watch your health
harness your power, know your wealth
you’ll gather dust sat on that shelf