I had a dream of clouds of white
And alas,
all i've ever heard were my own screams in the night
I have too much sadness for my own body,
even though I had to live with the label 'fat'
Ironically, I have outgrown this marking
Only to make more on my wrist
I call myself selfish because I cry when people take a left turn
when all I ever wanted was for things to go right for me

I had a dream I was in Paris
With a love of mine I could never deny
But I find myself halfway across the world
Unable to talk to anybody without tripping over the manifestation of rejection, and fear,
because it has grown too big to be kicked to the sidewalk
like I have been

And still, these dreams are so far from reality, no matter how many I think of
None are like the life I live now
Not even close
I don't know
I don't know why my stories only have sad endings
But at least I have nothing to lose
Except the weight of the world on my shoulders.

Memories missed through winter winds
Under one sky, below two evenings
Sneak through the night and I'll make graffiti
On unwanted depression and social anxiety
colourful coats on chipped off walls
Let these art speak for me.

The voice from the dead came out to haunt
while the words of his mouth began to taunt
yet the demons played with my soul
even though I couldn't be sold
I know I'm not much of a human
when i creep and crawl
yet i know I'm much more of a person
than the purest beings who always fall
I want a way out
a way to be free
yet here i am worth nothing but a simple
penny
I need a light
a shiny being
to help me out
of my worst things
You there!
You with the perfect eyes
you with the personality that can't tell a lie
can I be with you?
can you see me?
or am i only a meaningless being?
i need you in my life,
the one i know who will give me rights
the person i need is the soul you keep
yet I'm still here without a leap
help me please
i know I'm not much
yet if you are an angel
then can't you have mercy?
can't you give me wings to fly?
to go up so high
till i can't breathe
till i am not even in the sky?
i just need a way out
i know the quite and the silence
brings you down
but please bury me in the ground!
i just need
i just need a single
way
out...

Did you ever feel guilty at night for hurting me?

I heard my pillow say something
"Did he do that again?
I nodded
"And you forgive him that easy?"
"It's easier to forgive than to let him go" i said.
*"Well, i know he's a toxic but sometime we crave drugs in case we want to be high. And I feel like i'm flying when im with him."

Unfortunately im the type of girl who's going complicated your life.
Because i can be so selfish and depress you at the same time.
I won't tell you what's wrong but get angry so easily if you have no idea what is happening.
I will cry over things that not even worth a word.
I swear,i will stay being mute if you're not trying to bring my mood back. There's no excuse if you don't even know the reason is.
I will say 'its okay' and smile even though it's killing me inside.
I will feel the pain i get until i kind of used to it.
I just dont wanna fake anything around you.
Maybe this is sound insane,but i refuse to be with you unless you realize that staying together is hard no matter what.
I refuse to be with you unless you're stubborn as **** -- stubborn enough to stick around me no matter how worse things get.
I refuse to be with you unless you refuse to accept that we're not tottaly worth it.

Its been while since I've thought of you
Since I've wondered how you've been
Since I've seen your face

Its been a while since you've talked to me
Since I've blocked out your ignorant ranting
Since I've had to tell someone to stop talking

Its been a while since I've observed your mental health
Since you've bashed on me for having an eating disorder
Since I knew you had one too

Its been a while since you've checked on me to see if I'm still alive
Since I've checked on you
Since you would even care if I did

Its been a while since I've cared to wonder about you
Since you've called me names
Since you've spread lies about me

Its been a while since I've heard your name
Since anyone has brought you up
Since I've seen you

Its been a while since I've felt happy
Since I've felt safe
Since I have worried about my appearance

Its been a while since I've had to auto-correct my sentences
Since you don't yell at me anymore
Since your sensitive *** isn't around anymore

Its been a while since I've been glad someone has left my life
Since I've felt free
Since I've been me